Conflicted in 18 year marriage— need guidance on handling verbal abuse.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

  

They do know she has problems but don’t understand the extent.  

But again... .how specifically... is it better for you to contact your family ahead of time and warn them... .based on your wife's threats?

Perhaps break it down in two situations.

1. If she threatens but doesn't communicate.
2.  If she threatens and communicates.

FF

[formflier]

  

They do know she has problems but don’t understand the extent.  

But again... .how specifically... is it better for you to contact your family ahead of time and warn them... .based on your wife's threats?

Perhaps break it down in two situations.

1. If she threatens but doesn't communicate.
2.  If she threatens and communicates.

FF

[formflier]

 
Can you do locked door and noise cancelling headphones while in your office or room?

Perhaps you need to take some work to a hotel for a few days.

The message she needs to get.  I won't listen to yelling (blather, abuse... whatever you want to call it). 

If her goal is to get you out of the house, then she succeeds.  I honestly don't think that is her goal.

Our big picture.  We are not trying to "defeat" their goals, we are trying to set goals for ourselves and attain those.  If that fits in their goals... .great.  If not... .trust that they will handle it well... .or badly... .let them handle it.

Use boundaries to protect your stuff in case they handle it badly.

Last:  It is so important that you control what you expose your ears to.  Let everything else flow from that.  Have you taken you BP when "normal" and then after listening to crazy for 20 minutes?  If not... .you should.  For me it was shocking.

FF

[oinoxn]

Thanks JJ

I started looking for rentals on line.  She really is a low functioning person. She asked if I would help her look and I will.  The sooner one of us leaves the better.  Of course I won’t miss all this but will feel lonely and empty but from past experiences with her the peace is worth it.

Basically I stay away from her and don’t say a word.  At times, less and less now, she hits a nerve and I respond. 90% of the time I don’t.

[oinoxn]

 I have  a lawyer from when filed in 2016.  I don’t want to be in same house with her during contested divorce. She gets even worse.  Once one of us leaves I will engage atty again.

I take BP med and forget to check it when she is at it.  I think I can physically feel my BP rising or maybe that is the stress I feel.

I am getting pretty much bulletproof from what she says as I have heard it over and over and over and ... .

[oinoxn]

   Oh... .poor FF... .you almost had a victory... .if you had only tried harder... .better luck next time... .and now... since no victory... .the a$$chewing will commence again.  In fact... .I have a lovely new sauce to try while chewing your fine piece of a$$... .so succulent.  My new sauce is  called... (insert batsh$t crazy theory of the day). 

Let me tell you... .I'm ok with nibbling, but chewing it off hurts.  So... .next day I would get up and try again for a victory... .wash rinse... .repeat.  Pretty much ended up where you are. 

?     I am not good with metaphors anymore.

I think the 60 day thing may be a blessing as it is forcing me to do what I could not get myself to do on my own.  As you probably know there are two of her (don’t think she knows) and I do still love one as I don’t relive the past bad things every day, I put them in the past and keep them there.  Maybe that’s my problem.

 

Sort out your life... .invite your wife along and go live you life.

I have no idea what you mean by inviting her.

I want to thank all of you for caring and trying to help me through this.

[formflier]

oinoxn,

I think you are getting a sense of who you are in "BPDland" and we are getting a sense of where you want to go.

Looks like you are above 30 total posts now and you've filled up this thread and made the "all" button go away.  Don't be shocked if mods (moderators) split this thread or otherwise "lock" it and you create (or they create) a new thread for you.

You are doing a great job coming back often and posting and letting us know what you do and don't understand (I'll try to skip metaphors... . )

My suggestion is for you to stick on the conflicted board while you are sorting out interpersonal details of if you talk to her, or walk away, or spend the night in a hotel... .etc etc.

I think it is critical that you go over to the family law board

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=10.0

And create an introductory post over there.  That is where you can dive into details of what a POTENTIAL divorce may look like, so you are prepared.

On this board we'll work out the details of the interpersonal stuff.

Make sense?

Thoughts?

FF

[formflier]

I have no idea what you mean by inviting her.
 

So, there is a mindset here. 

You decide how you are going to live your life, lets say you decide you won't live with people that regularly yell.  You take steps towards that life and communicate in words and ACTIONS (actions being more important than words) to your wife that yelling isn't going to be in your life.  No justifications... .no apologies... it is what it is.

Then you say to her (for example... .don't try to actually say this yet) "Babe... .I'm obviously fond of you.  I want to stay together and improve our relationship without yelling coming between us.  Let me know if you will take steps to live a life without yelling.  Understand I'll be taking steps to achieve a life without yelling."

Something like that.  You have invited her along to a future without yelling.  She can choose to come along or not.  You will respect her decision either way.

That's "inviting her along".

Now... .if I have missed something and you don't want her around, even if yelling stopped... .then we should back up some an re-evaluate. 

Make sense?

FF

[oinoxn]

Thanks FF

Been through divorce before and almost finished one with her before she fired her attorney.

Let me know if you will take steps to live a life without yelling.  Understand I'll be taking steps to achieve a life without yelling."

If interested she would  ask what steps.  I don't even know what they are.
You understand there is more then just yelling.  My daughter wants nothing to do with her.  That causes anger that is let out on me. I think she feels in competition with her and that I love her more and will do anything for her but not for my wife. Everything causes anxiety. Tells me everything scares her (hence anxiety). Keeps going on about  and obsessed about what  happens to her if I become incapacitated and can't pay the bills. I was going to put that in my trust but then she started to get worse and tell me to get a divorce so I did not change my trust.  If I had, something else would have taken the place of that complaint.  She does lie and make everything bigger and worse then it is. She constantly complains about me or something. So you see it is not just yelling but that probably effects me the most.

[Mutt]

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