Heartbroken

[Depression = 72% of members]

My relationship of 1.5 years ended in mid-December. We were together since August of 2016 and it was a whirl wind passionate, amazing chemistry, instant love relationship. Yes all red flags but i just did not realize ! But when I wouldn't include him in every single aspect of my life within 3 weeks of the relationship the blowups started.

Blow ups would also happen around other things too but but the epi center was when I told him a couple of weeks into the relationship I didn't want him participating in a hobby that I do with a bunch of friends.  I told him I needed some time for the relationship to develop further to know that it was going to last before I let him meet all of my friends. This sent him into a complete rage and he went on to beat me up over it for a year-and-a-half. Bullying me to bring him it was just so over-the-top and I felt guilt and shame the entire time. Although confused i kept holding my boundary because there was a volatility there and I didn't feel comfortable bringing him around my friends and having huge blow-ups happen.I just had met these people and it was a new hobby to me and bringing a super intense relationship into it I felt  could potentially really disrupt my relationship with those people. I dont have family and needed that community. I didn't tell him that I just told him I needed some space around it. He wanted to be together all of the time and do everything together which I did find romantic and sweet and endearing but it made me feel controlled as well and I just wasn't able to do that. I needed to still spend time with my friends one on one I'm just more of a one on one person and I also needed to spend time with my daughter who's only 6 years old alone. Or on playdates.  

There were tons of red flags early on that I just wasn't able to see because I was so blinded by my love for him. Like if I didn't call him like I said I would he would go into a rage or if I went somewhere and I hadn't told him about it first he would go into a rage. I eventually found myself lying sometimes about what I was doing just to avoid the blow ups. Once he went into a rage early into the relationship because I walked away from him in a bar  for about 15 minutes and talk to a couple of friends of mine (two gay guys). He could have easily just walked over to me. These are just examples to give you a sense of it. But there would be long long stretches of love and passion and bliss that I had never experienced before. I had never been with anybody as passionate as him and I had never had that kind of chemistry with anybody ever! in fact the Christmas I spent with him in 2016 was literally the best Christmas I've ever had in my entire life I have never felt so close and loved by another human being ever.

I miss him terribly but throughout the relationship it got to where he was calling me names often and accussing me of things that were not true. Oh and he cheated on me 3 months in while simultaneously pressuring me to commit to him.  Telling me he felt such great love for me, how he would make me trust him how he would show me true undying love for my lifetime.  He would always talk about how it's all or nothing for him and how when he loves he loves so deeply and so fully and forever. Then I found out 6 months into the relationship that he had cheated and he went on to lie about the details. Luckily I spoke directly with her. He cried and cried and was so earnest and pained about it and was professing his undying love to me and such a real emotional way that it was easy to forgive him. And there were breakups to during that time on and off I dated other people (no relationships)he went on to just throw all of this in my face over and over and over and over when we got back together. even though it was him that cheated on me to begin withand had caused the break up!

But he did such a great job of gaslighting me that I just walked around completely confused and to be honest with you I feel like I'm exiting a cult right now I still feel responsible for so much. And I know that there I have some responsibility in what happened as well I know that things aren't just one-sided. But to be so cold-hearted to somebody and just drop them the way that he did in December is just evil to me. Now with The Break-Up I just feel completely destroyed at this point and unstable and deeply fearful I will never find love again that matches this. I feel like he blew everybody out of the water that came before him and I am very fearful I will never find love again. I found this website and through researching on the web I have realized that he has BPD. Or at least it really seems that way I'm still in some denial because I don't want to think that he has it. Because that means it's really final.

I have not heard from him at all and I don't think that I will because he ended it all. Although In the end I could have relented to his demands. I chose not to. The relationship blew up in the end because I was going on vacation with my daughter to Hawaii (I had planned the trip while we have been broken up for a month) And he absolutely demanded to come with us for the entire trip. I did not feel comfortable with that because there's been a lot of fighting he had been calling me names and there was just too much volatility. plus honestly I just wanted to spend some alone time with my daughter going to Hawaii was a special thing that we've done every year since she's been born. I really wanted to have that special time with her one on one.  I couldn't even tell him that part he just blew up and completely broke up with me right before Christmas. I was devastated. I how do you even offered him to come for 5 days out of the trip  (it was a 8 day trip total) but that wasn't enough. Am my offering that was really against my desires. it was just because he was threatening to end it.

Anyway I would just like some support I want to get fully out of this relationship and MOVE ON! I mean the guy cheated on me and I took him back he called me terrible names and I took him back he would scream at me and I took him back he would shame and blame and guilt trip me and I would take him back over and over. Enough is enough I just want this gone I can't believe what a hold this person has on my heart and soul to this very moment I miss him every minute of every single day it is truly sick.

I never in my life want to be involved with somebody like this again but I do want passion and love and I want something close to the passion and love I had with him without the dark side. Is that even possible? Or do only borderlines offered his this unique type of love? And the relationship is completely over I am having absolutely no contact with him for 5 weeks now he is completely blocked from my phone and all devices and I will not be contacting him in any way shape or form. And I have not heard from him either so it is truly over and that is why I'm so devastated. But my heart is not over it at all I feel annihilated by this relationship devastated scared to be alone terrified inside of my body and not okay. I do not feel okay at all Help

[Instantlove]

My relationship of 1.5 years ended in mid-December. We were together since August of 2016 and it was a whirl wind passionate, amazing chemistry, instant love relationship. Yes all red flags but i just did not realize ! But when I wouldn't include him in every single aspect of my life within 3 weeks of the relationship the blowups started.

Blow ups would also happen around other things too but but the epi center was when I told him a couple of weeks into the relationship I didn't want him participating in a hobby that I do with a bunch of friends.  I told him I needed some time for the relationship to develop further to know that it was going to last before I let him meet all of my friends. This sent him into a complete rage and he went on to beat me up over it for a year-and-a-half. Bullying me to bring him it was just so over-the-top and I felt guilt and shame the entire time. Although confused i kept holding my boundary because there was a volatility there and I didn't feel comfortable bringing him around my friends and having huge blow-ups happen.I just had met these people and it was a new hobby to me and bringing a super intense relationship into it I felt  could potentially really disrupt my relationship with those people. I dont have family and needed that community. I didn't tell him that I just told him I needed some space around it. He wanted to be together all of the time and do everything together which I did find romantic and sweet and endearing but it made me feel controlled as well and I just wasn't able to do that. I needed to still spend time with my friends one on one I'm just more of a one on one person and I also needed to spend time with my daughter who's only 6 years old alone. Or on playdates.  

There were tons of red flags early on that I just wasn't able to see because I was so blinded by my love for him. Like if I didn't call him like I said I would he would go into a rage or if I went somewhere and I hadn't told him about it first he would go into a rage. I eventually found myself lying sometimes about what I was doing just to avoid the blow ups. Once he went into a rage early into the relationship because I walked away from him in a bar  for about 15 minutes and talk to a couple of friends of mine (two gay guys). He could have easily just walked over to me. These are just examples to give you a sense of it. But there would be long long stretches of love and passion and bliss that I had never experienced before. I had never been with anybody as passionate as him and I had never had that kind of chemistry with anybody ever! in fact the Christmas I spent with him in 2016 was literally the best Christmas I've ever had in my entire life I have never felt so close and loved by another human being ever.

I miss him terribly but throughout the relationship it got to where he was calling me names often and accussing me of things that were not true. Oh and he cheated on me 3 months in while simultaneously pressuring me to commit to him.  Telling me he felt such great love for me, how he would make me trust him how he would show me true undying love for my lifetime.  He would always talk about how it's all or nothing for him and how when he loves he loves so deeply and so fully and forever. Then I found out 6 months into the relationship that he had cheated and he went on to lie about the details. Luckily I spoke directly with her. He cried and cried and was so earnest and pained about it and was professing his undying love to me and such a real emotional way that it was easy to forgive him. And there were breakups to during that time on and off I dated other people (no relationships)he went on to just throw all of this in my face over and over and over and over when we got back together. even though it was him that cheated on me to begin withand had caused the break up!

But he did such a great job of gaslighting me that I just walked around completely confused and to be honest with you I feel like I'm exiting a cult right now I still feel responsible for so much. And I know that there I have some responsibility in what happened as well I know that things aren't just one-sided. But to be so cold-hearted to somebody and just drop them the way that he did in December is just evil to me. Now with The Break-Up I just feel completely destroyed at this point and unstable and deeply fearful I will never find love again that matches this. I feel like he blew everybody out of the water that came before him and I am very fearful I will never find love again. I found this website and through researching on the web I have realized that he has BPD. Or at least it really seems that way I'm still in some denial because I don't want to think that he has it. Because that means it's really final.

I have not heard from him at all and I don't think that I will because he ended it all. Although In the end I could have relented to his demands. I chose not to. The relationship blew up in the end because I was going on vacation with my daughter to Hawaii (I had planned the trip while we have been broken up for a month) And he absolutely demanded to come with us for the entire trip. I did not feel comfortable with that because there's been a lot of fighting he had been calling me names and there was just too much volatility. plus honestly I just wanted to spend some alone time with my daughter going to Hawaii was a special thing that we've done every year since she's been born. I really wanted to have that special time with her one on one.  I couldn't even tell him that part he just blew up and completely broke up with me right before Christmas. I was devastated. I how do you even offered him to come for 5 days out of the trip  (it was a 8 day trip total) but that wasn't enough. Am my offering that was really against my desires. it was just because he was threatening to end it.

Anyway I would just like some support I want to get fully out of this relationship and MOVE ON! I mean the guy cheated on me and I took him back he called me terrible names and I took him back he would scream at me and I took him back he would shame and blame and guilt trip me and I would take him back over and over. Enough is enough I just want this gone I can't believe what a hold this person has on my heart and soul to this very moment I miss him every minute of every single day it is truly sick.

I never in my life want to be involved with somebody like this again but I do want passion and love and I want something close to the passion and love I had with him without the dark side. Is that even possible? Or do only borderlines offered his this unique type of love? And the relationship is completely over I am having absolutely no contact with him for 5 weeks now he is completely blocked from my phone and all devices and I will not be contacting him in any way shape or form. And I have not heard from him either so it is truly over and that is why I'm so devastated. But my heart is not over it at all I feel annihilated by this relationship devastated scared to be alone terrified inside of my body and not okay. I do not feel okay at all Help

[Harley Quinn]

Welcome Instantlove,

Thank you for sharing your story with us.  From what you've described, it sounds like you've really been on the roller coaster, as so many here have.  It's great that you found us.  Only 5 weeks out is a very difficult time and the way you describe feeling is unfortunately not uncommon.  This doesn't make it easier to experience though, and I feel for you.  You're in good company here, as most, if not all of the members of this board have either been where you are or are still in that place to some degree.  The good news is that it does get easier from here.  Like any loss, this will take some getting over, and a BPD r/s, as you've identified is like no other.  Give yourself time and patience, be kind to yourself and know that even if it feels slow, you are healing gradually and every small step forwards adds up.

I have to commend you on your strength in holding tight to your boundaries as you have.  This takes a lot of grit, especially in the face of someone who has worked very hard by the sounds of it to get you to drop them.  In the long run this has already, and will continue to serve you well.  Potentially (as he will have realised that you are not prepared, despite your love for him, to roll over and meet his demands to the detriment of your values), he may as a result give you the space and time you need to recover from this.  You certainly deserve that right now after what you've been through.

And I have not heard from him either so it is truly over and that is why I'm so devastated. But my heart is not over it at all I feel annihilated by this relationship devastated scared to be alone terrified inside of my body and not okay. I do not feel okay at all Help

 

I felt a lot like you describe when I split with my exBPDbf.  It takes a while for our hearts to catch up to our heads.  What you are going through is a grief process and grief hurts like hell.  We also get caught in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and that can make us feel torn, as our emotions can seem so at odds with our logic and even our minds can argue with themselves as they are trying to make sense of everything.  There really is a great deal of confusion and turmoil surrounding a breakup like this.  Although a partner behaves in an unacceptable way towards us in a r/s, our feelings of love do not just switch off.  

Self care at present, in any form you can manage, is a must.  :)o you have close friends with whom you can speak about how you are feeling?  Perhaps the group you've bonded with that has the shared interest?  :)o you have a therapist?  It's great that you reached out here.  Building a support network around yourself right now will really make a difference.  Keep reading about BPD on this site as it will help you to see that this wasn't personal to you, but about a pattern of behaviour driven by his illness (also, the Lessons to the right of the screen are extremely helpful) and post as much as you need to.  We are here for you.    

Love and light x

[stixx44]

Instantlove,

Your experience is very much like my own.  I am now also 5 weeks into NC, and my heart is still broken.  

However, little by little I am coming up for air.  Every day of NC is a win for me.  :)on’t get me wrong.  There are still many moments in the day and particularly at night that I long for her to reach out to me.  But then I get hold of myself and I remember what it was really like.

I cannot idealize her... .and I find it easier every day not to do that.  You will, too, but it isn’t an easy road.  Stay firm with NC and count each day as a day toward the light.

Wishing you the best.

Stixx

[Instantlove]

Thank you both for responding.  I still miss him terribly and have to remind myself daily of the threats he made at the end of the relationship.  He crossed the line. I just don't understand why the love part and intimacy had to be so blissful and beautiful?  I feel like he was the devil the way he got in my heart and then abused me emotionally. Promised me undying love, taking  care of me. Everything I would ever want to hear he told me with such convincing passion. The way he held me and the intimacy was like no other. I fear I will never find love like that again. Or a man as open and passionate. Hopefully the memories will fade and I can find some loving without a dark side. It's 6 weeks now. He lives 2 hours away in another city and also travels otherwise I have no doubt I would try to run into him. So I have that protective factor! Thank u again for your support! It means alot.

[Harley Quinn]

What you describe is known as the idealisation stage.  A BPD r/s comes in stages which follow a pattern of idealisation, devaluation and discard.  The discard may be that they leave and move on to a new partner or that we are treated so badly that we're pushed to leave the r/s as the behaviour is intolerable.  Either way it is destructive.  The idealisation can return in parts of the r/s, like intermittent reinforcement, only to be followed by devaluation again.  This is one of the reasons why we often stay longer than many would in a r/s that is clearly unhealthy.  The flashes of idealisation give us hope that we can return to that time when everything was so wonderful.  Sadly the initial love bombing never returns in full to the same degree and isn't sustainable when it appears. 

Having time and space away from the r/s drama will be a great positive for you at this time if you are unsure, as many of us were, of your resolve when it comes to keeping from trying again.  Recycles are common and often more painful with each cycle.  The distance will allow you to step back and view things from a new perspective in time.  Are you still in contact in any way?  How are you feeling presently?  We're here for you when you need to share.  I'd also encourage you to post in others' threads.  It is helpful to share your experience where it can benefit others we find.  We often learn a lot in the process.

Love and light x

[Jeffree]

I want something close to the passion and love I had with him without the dark side. Is that even possible? Or do only borderlines offered his this unique type of love?

Boy, what an interesting question.

I wish I had a definitive answer for you. However, my experiences do seem to indicate that all of my the over-the-top passionate idealization relationships have come as the result of a SO who had at the very least a lack of impulse control (note: this is certainly does not mean BPD in all cases).

I used to think they just really liked me and I liked them. Looking back, I can see that without realizing it I was trying to turn into a SO somebody better off as FWB. Thus, my relations always lacked that mutual deep-rooted respect and appreciation, and were based on other less durable commonalities.

In the end, this idea of what we "want" versus what is practical and more to what we need is very complicated, and I think oftentimes confused with what society tells us we should have.

J

[Harley Quinn]

Relating to the same question as above, I think that many of us have had the exact same concern.  Jeffree makes some really good observations here.  The all encompassing (mutual) idealisation stage in a BPD r/s is what a sufferer is hoping will last.  That is what love is expected to be like.  Always.  All new couples have a stage of idealisation, to some degree, where the interest is heightened, chemicals are flowing, bonds are formed and gestures may be bolder than later in a r/s.  The natural course of a healthy loving r/s is not to remain in this phase, but to evolve and develop into something deeper and more lasting.  A pwBPD does not have the relationship skills to navigate this. 

When a partner of a sufferer 'eases off' or 'settles' even slightly into the natural next phase, a pwBPD can feel disillusioned and doubt their worth to their partner.  This can be where devaluation begins, questioning why things are not continuing on the same course and with the same degree of effort.  This could be for example, constant messaging in the start of the r/s, which is not sustainable long term.  However a shift to something more practical can be interpreted as a signal that the sufferer no longer holds the same importance, or has been 'seen for who they are' (self loathing and fear of being found to be less than they portray can all feed into this) and be met with unreasonable demands.  In short, it's not built to last.  Expectations on the part of both partners can be vastly different. 

So yes, the passion and adoration is intense and sometimes overwhelming (which can be off putting to an emotionally healthy individual), the lovemaking like no other (bonding is deep through amazing sex, let's face it) and the fantasy of the perfect future is oh so captivating.  However, it is only going to fizzle out and become something far more toxic in reality if the partner of the pwBPD is unable to keep up with meeting a stream of often unspoken unrealistic emotional needs from the sufferer, without ever slipping up or sending an unknown signal that triggers one of the fears (abandonment and engulfment).  We are set up to fail from the outset.  No human can be held 100% responsible for the feelings of another in such a way and live up to the task.  Not without giving up every shred of themselves in order to satisfy the emotional hunger of a pwBPD.   

What I would remind you is that YOU were a part of that passion.  You have that passion and love inside of you and can bring that to the table in any relationship.  It is only the case of finding the right person.  Someone who can reciprocate with respect, loyalty, honesty ... .(insert what is important to you personally in a r/s) in return for the same that you provide them.  Will it be as intense?  Maybe, maybe not.  Does it have the capacity to stand the test of time?  With an emotionally healthy partner, and coming at it from an emotionally healthy stance ourselves, yes.  It's all about knowing in ourselves WHAT we want in a relationship when it comes down to it, and working on ourselves to ensure that we are aligned with that.  Then we can attract the type of person we do want in our lives, as opposed to someone who appears to be that person initially yet is not capable of maintaining that.

It takes time to come to terms with this.  I am over a year out and not ready to think about meeting someone else for the foreseeable future.  There is groundwork to do.  Right now, concentrate on detaching and healing.  Make this time for yourself and do what feels helpful.  I'll let others give you their suggestions and share what works for them.  How are you feeling at the moment?  Any shift in your emotions since your initial post?

Love and light x         

[truthbeknown]

Harley brings up some great points about the stages of idealization to devaluation.

I would like to add that recently in talking to someone who thinks they may be with a BPD guy.  I heard myself say, "they use sex as their main means of communication because they want to distract you from their flaws.  They feel very flawed and if they are champions in the bedroom then you won't be focusing on that so much."

As i thought about that i became really sad too.  Sad because outside of the bedroom i didn't see those flaws until she stared distorting my love for her.  It's like the more i accepted her for who she was the more she was intent on proving that she was disordered.  It was a game that i was never going to win but didn't realize i was playing that game.

So as i have gone through another regression stage i'm back on here reading some threads and i'm heartbroken too.  I think we take on their projections (i do for sure).   The positive projections of love i definitely took on.  The negative ones about feeling disordered i have been struggling with too because now that i can't imagine making love with anyone else i feel sexually abused in some way.  And because many borderlines were either sexually abused or use sex to avoid some of their other traumas that they are not dealing with, it can be projected onto us because it feels like abuse when you are receiving what you think is love from them in the bedroom and you come to find out this is just a form a communication that they use on whomever they are with (new partners etc).   I believe in healthy normal sex it is a communication of love.   I told my ex, "when we make love you are very caring and share yourself completely.  What if we (because i didn't want her to feel like i was talking down to her) could do this type of sharing outside of the bedroom."   She just didn't get it.   The next time we made love it was very mechanical for the first time on her part (during final devaluation) and she asked me if i was a sex addict after we made love.  Crazymaking right?  I still wish i had not had sex with her the last time because she made me feel like a cheap gigolow.   She devalued the one thing we did well together as a punishment for me having that conversation with her about communication.   It was the final last straw and now she has moved onto a new man where i'm sure she is love bombing him

You are not alone.  We will heal but it is hard because of the projection of almost sexual abuse like actions towards us.  They somehow want us to feel like they feel.  I'm trying real hard to redirect myself but it's a process.  keep us in the loop.  You are valued.  You are special because you gave love to someone even if they couldn't accept it.