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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Why do I have a hard time letting go?  (Read 360 times)
Shedd
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« on: February 26, 2018, 05:27:39 PM »

I wish I could just be like F** you.  Not give any S*** about someone who treated me badly that wants to leave my life, but I can't. 

I tend to care way more than I should.  I mean... .Why should I care if they don't?

I've never really felt accepted my whole life really.  Never really fit in anywhere. 

I tend to be a loner. 

Just wondering why I hold onto people who don't deserve my care in the first place.
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Insom
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« Reply #1 on: February 26, 2018, 06:05:28 PM »

Hi, Shedd!

These sound like important but difficult to answer questions.  Congratuations on having the strength and insight to ask them.  I can definitely relate to wondering if I've "over cared" for people who don't deserve it.

Excerpt
  I've never really felt accepted my whole life really.  Never really fit in anywhere. 

This is something I think a number of us here can relate with.  Me included.  Have you thought about where this feeling comes from?  Do you remember the first time you felt it?
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Mutt
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« Reply #2 on: February 26, 2018, 06:49:19 PM »

Hi Shedd,

These r/s breakups are really tough you’re left with so many questions and virtually no validation from your ex it’s natural to feel like it’s hard letting go. I think Insom asked good questions. I shared similar feelings too for example I’m an intrrovert so I can handle people for just so little mg and I need my alone time time and then there’s my low self esteem, feeling like I was inadequate and was never worthy enough I think that was a part of me pushing people away. Can you think of some reasons?
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Jeffree
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« Reply #3 on: February 27, 2018, 08:18:15 AM »

Just wondering why I hold onto people who don't deserve my care in the first place.


I think we tend to hold on to the person we fell in love with and spend a lot of time trying to reconnect to that person too long after that person has disappeared.

It's like trying to get the license plate number of the car that just hit you, long after it's way out of the power of your eyesight.

Basically, it's a tough transition to make away from that person who once seemed so perfect to accepting that the personality of that person actually doesn't exist anymore.

J
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Shedd
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« Reply #4 on: February 27, 2018, 10:56:16 AM »

Hi Shedd,

 Can you think of some reasons?

I'm also an introvert.  Very socially anxious.  I can't handle big groups of people.  I tend to friend those who are unwanted.  I think my ex saw that in me.  She always told me I pittied her.  Which wasn't true at all.  I always was trying to tell her how I felt so that she wouldn't believe that, but she never believed me.

I just don't like people who are very into themselves... .EVEN THOUGH she was. , but she also wasn't? She wasn't in secret, but to others she seemed fully confident.  In the closed doors of our relationship she would constantly tell me she hated herself, and that she was ugly.  I would try and try again to tell her she wasn't.

She always needed validation, and I think I didn't offer her that.  She said she didn't like big groups of people she didn't know, but now seems to have found that for herself.  Guess she just didn't like the people I hung out with.

I guess idk if I'm really answering the question right, but these are some things I've learned about myself, and our relationship. *Shrug*
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Shedd
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« Reply #5 on: February 27, 2018, 11:00:53 AM »


  Have you thought about where this feeling comes from?  :)o you remember the first time you felt it?


Honestly,

It comes from school.  I got bullied in junior high because of my weight.  I didn't used to be shy before my weight gain.  I had to take meds that made me extremely heavy.  They bullied me to the point where I would leave school saying I was sick.  After I stopped taking the meds I lost weight and got back to normal, but my feelings didn't change about people.

Then I just became depressed, and even didn't feel like I fit in with my family.  My sisters all hung out together they wouldn't include me in stuff.  Idk why. (Probably because I didn't want to do drugs?) HA.

Then always had conflicts with friends about them chosing another friend over me.  Makes me wonder what all I do wrong even though I don't feel like I do anything.  Guess I'm just not a wanted person so I stay to myself now a days.
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #6 on: February 27, 2018, 12:11:51 PM »

Excerpt
I tend to care way more than I should.  I mean... .Why should I care if they don't?

Hey Shedd, That's a great question that I suspect many of us Nons can relate to.  We tend to overlook their flaws and make excuses when they treat us poorly.  We accept the unacceptable, so it makes sense that letting go is complicated for us Nons.  Your acknowledgement of this issue, in my view, is a good first step towards resolving it.

LuckyJim
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
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