So confused...i cant focus anymore..need help.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

She says it's over , but she has said that numerous times only to be back later when i least expect it... almost like she has this sixth sense of when I've really deiced to move on and never contact her again, then she magically emails and talks to me every day for a while, until she says something hurtful and i call her on it... .most people say... .move on... .some people say " show her you love and her let her know you will be there for her and wait "... .6 years if a long time... .I'm 53... .and felling age creeping up on me emotionally mentally and physically. I'm a caring fun, sensitive, passionate person who doesn't have any enemies and lots of females seem drawn to me and i can laugh it up with anyone who has a positive attitude... .so why waste any more time waiting, but I am also an Aries, teacher , leader, winner and i just cant stand losing this war... ?

I don't want to lose her... .but i cant fight the negative rages and delusions and just plain disrespect she shows me 90% of the time.
and yes, i realize im obsessed with the honeymoon phase... .and probably have ptsd... because i cant focus for long on anything without this situation creeping into my mind and destroying me at some point each day... .like right now... .i used to be the most focused person you ever met... i could practice for 10 - 12 hours a day, and never lose my train of thought... now im lucky to ge 30 mins without the BPD demon striking me again... .i need some advice , and some direction... I'm, injured physically, wounded emotionally, and questioning my own sanity. and have been in a holding patter for over 6 years over this... .
i have to get better... please tell me the answer.

[dumpsterdog]

She says it's over , but she has said that numerous times only to be back later when i least expect it... almost like she has this sixth sense of when I've really deiced to move on and never contact her again, then she magically emails and talks to me every day for a while, until she says something hurtful and i call her on it... .most people say... .move on... .some people say " show her you love and her let her know you will be there for her and wait "... .6 years if a long time... .I'm 53... .and felling age creeping up on me emotionally mentally and physically. I'm a caring fun, sensitive, passionate person who doesn't have any enemies and lots of females seem drawn to me and i can laugh it up with anyone who has a positive attitude... .so why waste any more time waiting, but I am also an Aries, teacher , leader, winner and i just cant stand losing this war... ?

I don't want to lose her... .but i cant fight the negative rages and delusions and just plain disrespect she shows me 90% of the time.
and yes, i realize im obsessed with the honeymoon phase... .and probably have ptsd... because i cant focus for long on anything without this situation creeping into my mind and destroying me at some point each day... .like right now... .i used to be the most focused person you ever met... i could practice for 10 - 12 hours a day, and never lose my train of thought... now im lucky to ge 30 mins without the BPD demon striking me again... .i need some advice , and some direction... I'm, injured physically, wounded emotionally, and questioning my own sanity. and have been in a holding patter for over 6 years over this... .
i have to get better... please tell me the answer.

[Skip]

please tell me the answer

What are you looking for exactly? Members are giving you things to consider and you are not engaging them. You keep jumping to new threads. You have to engage mentally and emotionally to get help.

Are you self-medicating through all this?  Have you been to a psychiatrist to get a "med evaluation" for the high levels of anxiety that are making to jumpy?

And lastly, will you take these tests and tell us where you are?  It will help others to engage you.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79772.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=128254.0

[dumpsterdog]

No ... not self medicating at all... .except for coffee , chocolate and sugar. ( soda , candy etcd... )... .but i am healing for a broken leg... .soo i have was much time to think because i cant be physically active... .and it feels like im being punished for being injured... .i'll take the test... .then get back 2 u

The " how does depression distort yoru thinking " article... .is really scary... .every one of those definitions... .i attribute to " her "... I see every single one of those descrip[tions in " her "... .which really twists my head... because no im wondering if i really see those thing in : here ",, or if I am seeing those things in " me " and projecting them onto her "... .this scares me because its like i got hit by a big wave, i am underwate and oout of breath, and still dont know which way is up... .i score 47 on the depression test, so i am modeerstely depressed at th high end toward severely... .

[Skip]

i score 47 on the depression test, so i am modeerstely depressed at th high end toward severely... .

Please schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist and get a meds evaluation. Anti-anxiety meds might get you on firmer ground to deal with all of this.

The " how does depression distort yoru thinking " article... .is really scary... .every one of those definitions... .i attribute to " her "... I see every single one of those descrip[tions in " her "... .which really twists my head... because no im wondering if i really see those thing in : here ",, or if I am seeing those things in " me " and projecting them onto her "

It's the right question to ask. If you are testing that high, you have distorted thoughts.

Have you taken the second test?
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=128254.0