The Journey Forward after Domestic Violence in My Marriage

[Radcliff]

Thank you, everyone for all of your support.  Tonight, I received a copy of a letter from BPDw and her lawyer to our custody evaluator, full of lies and exaggerations, accusing me of abuse.  I should not be shocked, but I am.  I had held out naive hope that she would accept the facts as I'd presented them, and with the help of the evaluator, we could chart a course towards fuller parenting for her.  It was never about fighting against her, or harming her, or winning.  It was about telling the truth so we all can heal and she can get back to parenting.  I took so much physical and emotional abuse, and despite that remained nonviolent.  I am deeply proud of my commitment and ability to control myself under terrible conditions.  So to face these distortions is like a body blow.  This development changes everything.  I have just been plunged into combat and into mourning for our marriage at the same time.  I will fight this war on two fronts:  the legal front, and the love front.  I'm meeting with my therapist tomorrow to talk about how to double down on positive parenting.  I will win this freaking war with love.  I suppose I am going to make love and war.

RC

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Enabler]

Morning RC, I can sense your complete disappointment with yesterday news. This is not what you wanted nor needed. You appear to have made every attempt to steer the ship into safer waters where repairs can be made yet your efforts are constantly sabotaged. Playing devils advocate this behavior on her part is somewhat understandable, you are blowing up her world and forcing her into a very uncomfortable position, accepting uncomfortable situations is not something she is equipped to do... .like trying to save a drowning cat, it is likely to dig it's claws into your arm.

If your behavior to date is as considered and kind as your posts on here you are well equipped for the coming maneuvers. Maybe you should consider it not as a war but as a UN humanitarian mission. The soldiers sent carry guns and drive around in tanks and armored vehicles, however they don't plan to use them if they can but are ready to lay down fire in defense. Your biggest shield in this mission is being Trustworthy IMHO, I recently watched Brene Browns talk on the dissection of trust and it's frankly beautiful especially her BRAVING acronym. Armour up!

The talk
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ewngFnXcqao

Description of BRAVING
https://www.theodysseyonline.com/the-anatomy-of-trust 

[Harley Quinn]

Tonight, I received a copy of a letter from BPDw and her lawyer to our custody evaluator, full of lies and exaggerations, accusing me of abuse.

Oh RC, I'm so sorry to hear that you had to see that.  I had hoped that things would not go that way for you.  When in family court, my son's father also lied and it was very difficult for me to palate.  I felt sick to my stomach.  You must be so feeling so angry, hurt and disappointed.  I want to commend you on your plan to focus on positive parenting.  That is the way forward.  Do not allow this to cause you to stumble on your path.  What has your L said about this?  How has the therapy session gone?

Love and light x

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi RC,

So sorry that this turn of events has taken place.

 (

  I should not be shocked, but I am.  I had held out naive hope that she would accept the facts as I'd presented them, and with the help of the evaluator, we could chart a course towards fuller parenting for her.  It was never about fighting against her, or harming her, or winning.  It was about telling the truth so we all can heal and she can get back to parenting.

RC

I understand so well how frustrating it feels to believe the best in someone and have them ultimately disappoint you and hurt you again. (Charlie Brown, after Lucy pulled the football away for the 957th time.) I know you are hoping for the best possible outcome for everyone, including your wife, and you do not consider yourself as her adversary. But she, in her disordered thinking, does. So she is going to act according to her distorted thinking and the feelings associated with that. Don't let it knock you off course. And I truly believe that love does conquer all, but... .sometimes love does not appear in the form we imagined it would take. Please continue to focus on yourself and your daughters, and remember that you are still dealing with a person who is mentally ill. Try to depersonalize, though I know how devastating these accusations must be to you. Keep us posted, and remember that we are all here for you.

Best wished,
Redeemed

[Radcliff]

Enabler, Harley Quinn, and Redeemed,

Thank you!  I had a good talk with my therapist today.  We're working out of the "Transforming the Difficult Child:  The Nurtured Heart Approach" book.  The main strategy is making a ton of neutral, observational comments about what the child is doing to increase the level of engagement and intimacy with them (avoiding criticism, trying to avoid questions, and using some compliments but emphasizing neutral observational stuff).  I've found it to be pretty effective at maintaining and improving the connection with D12.  We have a good relationship, but I need extra tools to improve it under the current difficult circumstances.

I have been training and preparing for this for a couple of years.  I had naively perhaps hoped it would never come to this, right up until yesterday.  I am so sad that we appear to be so textbook.  I wanted to be a unicorn.  Anyway, I need to reset my expectations that I could focus on healing in a safe place, lace up my boots, and get to work.  I'm going to try to look at it like an athletic competition, where I know the rules, and play tough and fair with a healthy spirit of competitiveness but without being consumed by competition and losing perspective.  I'm going to try to enjoy myself doing the opposite of everything she said in that letter. 

The learning I have done with bpdfamily has been instrumental in getting me ready for this.  Thank you all!

RC

[I Am Redeemed]

 I am so sad that we appear to be so textbook.  I wanted to be a unicorn.

Oh, ww, you have such an uncanny way of pinpointing some of my exact feelings. My heart goes out to you.

Redeemed

[Radcliff]

My heart goes out to you.

Thank you, Redeemed

This evening my wife and I were texting about bills and helping D17 with something, and my wife got into relationship territory.  (Yes, oddly, we can text about bills after she has launched a nuclear salvo.)  I let myself gets sucked into a conversation, which I am not supposed to do.  She said she wants us to get to a better place, and she's done everything I asked, and why won't I work on the relationship.  She does not understand the damage that has been done, and cannot fathom why I have been standing back from the relationship for three months.  I said the letter made it pretty hard to work on the relationship.  She asked what part of the letter.  She has absolutely no ability to use logic or empathy to understand this situation.  Utterly absent the ability to understand my perspective, or that perspectives other than hers can exist.  I have known her for decades, but yet, tonight, somehow was still surprised at the extent of the disconnect.  She said she is confused.  I was so sad.  She is cannot be a partner.  She is not safe to be with.  But she is not evil.  Don't confuse my empathy with a desire to get back together with her.  It was almost simpler to feel like she was evil.  That she just does not have the capacity, that is even more depressing.  And just as damning to any potential for a relationship. 

RC

[heartandwhole]

She is cannot be a partner.  She is not safe to be with.  But she is not evil.  Don't confuse my empathy with a desire to get back together with her.  It was almost simpler to feel like she was evil.  That she just does not have the capacity, that is even more depressing.  And just as damning to any potential for a relationship. 

Beautifully said, RC, and I resonate very much with this sentiment. It helped me in my relationship to see that when in the throes of BPD symptoms/dysregulation, pwBPD was not capable of hearing me, much less being present for me. It is heartbreaking, both because I knew he was struggling mightily with his symptoms, and because I knew that in order to continue the relationship, I would have to accept the behavior. Very tough.

This is such a profound journey that you are sharing with us. Thank you for letting us see what growth looks like. 

heartandwhole

[snowglobe]

Thank you, Redeemed

This evening my wife and I were texting about bills and helping D17 with something, and my wife got into relationship territory.  (Yes, oddly, we can text about bills after she has launched a nuclear salvo.)  I let myself gets sucked into a conversation, which I am not supposed to do.  She said she wants us to get to a better place, and she's done everything I asked, and why won't I work on the relationship.  She does not understand the damage that has been done, and cannot fathom why I have been standing back from the relationship for three months.  I said the letter made it pretty hard to work on the relationship.  She asked what part of the letter.  She has absolutely no ability to use logic or empathy to understand this situation.  Utterly absent the ability to understand my perspective, or that perspectives other than hers can exist.  I have known her for decades, but yet, tonight, somehow was still surprised at the extent of the disconnect.  She said she is confused.  I was so sad.  She is cannot be a partner.  She is not safe to be with.  But she is not evil.  Don't confuse my empathy with a desire to get back together with her.  It was almost simpler to feel like she was evil.  That she just does not have the capacity, that is even more depressing.  And just as damning to any potential for a relationship. 

RC

Dear @Radcliff,
I’ve been quitly checking in with you, cheering on the sidelines and mourning with you when new developments and realizations unraveled. I share this realization with you, it’s a complete game changer. It’s easier to hold on to a faint glimpse of hope when you think that your PwBPD is evil, evil can be changes, redeemed or let go of. Your pwBPD is I’ll on the saner manner psychopaths are. I apologize for the comparing ahead of time. Upon reading many publications, speaking to therapists and psychologists I realize that my spouse will never get better. No amount of tools and techniques utilized by me will ever get him to the baseline, it’s out of my control. Sure, you can learn to survive in the “zombie” state, hipervivilant and always on the look out. I think that the wisdom you are sharing with the rest of the board members is a true gift. If someone decides to remain in BPD relationships, it should be with a clear view of the picture. Which is - you will be a caregiver for the rest of your life, with boundaries constantly pushed and run over, privacy and trust violations and very little emotional and thus physical connection. We all arrive to this point at different times. My realization made me mildly depressed for a while. I hope you will find the strength you need to carry out what you think is best. Blessings to you and your girls

[Enabler]

Considering a person to be evil makes for an acceptable exit, it almost allows you to dehumanise the person... .accepting that you pwBPD is ill muddies the water, what if they had Alzheimer’s, what kind of care and compassion would it be appropriate to offer in that circumstance? I feel you are offering the latter type of care and compassion, but in the same way you might consider relinquishing care of an Alzheimer’s sufferer to a specialist care service for your own protection, you are acting to protect yourself and your family from someone whom is a danger to your personal flourishing.

[SunandMoon]

She does not understand the damage that has been done, and cannot fathom why I have been standing back from the relationship for three months.

I am so sorry Radcliff.

You understand the damage that has been done very clearly and you continue to handle this sad reality with grace.

I just wanted to send you hugs and support 

[Lakebreeze]

RC:
I just caught up on this thread tonight. Thanks for sharing this so honestly and openly. I'm so sorry for this latest development.

  She does not understand the damage that has been done... .She has absolutely no ability to use logic or empathy to understand this situation.  Utterly absent the ability to understand my perspective, or that perspectives other than hers can exist. 

Wow, this IS more heartbreaking than just attributing it to evil. It's heartbreaking to know you have poured years of energy and love into a relationship with someone who can't reciprocate. I find it inspiring that you have reached a place above the Caretaking and the codependency to see this with such transparency. It's really making me take a hard look at my own perspective... .Denial is such a handy blinder to hide behind.
Thank you for letting us experience this pain and heartache with you. I know that words can't ease the sadness or the pain of this situation. But I am wishing you continued strength and a deep abiding peace.
All the best
Lakebreeze

[Radcliff]

I just caught up on this thread tonight. Thanks for sharing this so honestly and openly. I'm so sorry for this latest development.
Wow, this IS more heartbreaking than just attributing it to evil. It's heartbreaking to know you have poured years of energy and love into a relationship with someone who can't reciprocate. I find it inspiring that you have reached a place above the Caretaking and the codependency to see this with such transparency.

Thank you for letting us experience this pain and heartache with you. I know that words can't ease the sadness or the pain of this situation. But I am wishing you continued strength and a deep abiding peace.

Thanks, Lakebreeze, I cannot tell you how much it has helped me to be able to share with everyone here.  I am really having trouble this evening over feeling like I have lost D17 to my wife (she has moved in with her for the last three days) and knowing that I have everyone here behind me is helping me to keep it together.

It's really making me take a hard look at my own perspective... .Denial is such a handy blinder to hide behind.

Lakebreeze, you have an advantage that I did not have when our kids were young.  I did not find out about BPD until they 6, 11, and 13.  But even with that knowledge, I didn't know how to reach out for help, and didn't find this site and the help of a therapist until they were 11, 16, and 19.  Those years when they were young were part wonderful, part a treadmill just trying to get by.  It was so easy for the workload to keep me from seeing the big picture or doing anything other than just carrying the load and looking a few feet in front of me.  I think your eyes are open wider than mine were, which should help you steer a better course.  It is absolutely critical that you keep up your self care, that you get enough peace and tranquility from time to time to reflect on your needs and where you are going. 

I had not anticipated things going downhill like this, and I had not anticipated that as I got older and the kids started to launch, with the relationship deteriorating, that I might not be able to continue or might not be able to accept spending my last decades without emotional safety.

You are in much better shape than I was at your age, and I have been very impressed by your capacity to care for your family and your husband.  Just make sure you take care of yourself, hold on to some interests and friends of your own, make room for some personal goals, and make sure you get time to reflect.

RC

[I Am Redeemed]

Considering a person to be evil makes for an acceptable exit, it almost allows you to dehumanise the person... .accepting that you pwBPD is ill muddies the water, what if they had Alzheimer’s, what kind of care and compassion would it be appropriate to offer in that circumstance? I feel you are offering the latter type of care and compassion, but in the same way you might consider relinquishing care of an Alzheimer’s sufferer to a specialist care service for your own protection, you are acting to protect yourself and your family from someone whom is a danger to your personal flourishing.

I have made this comparison many times. It does muddy the water, absolutely, and raises all kinds of questions and doubt and emotions, especially since my father was diagnosed with dementia in the latter years of his life. Eventually he did have to go to a skilled care facility, because I was not personally equipped to handle the level of care he required. Neither am I personally equipped to handle living with my uBPDh and managing his violent rages, among other destructive behaviors. I especially cannot do that with a child in the home.

My uBPDh never seemed to understand the magnitude of the damage he had done, either. He did not want to discuss it. He thought it was as simple as "being good" for a while, and then I should be over it and let it go. If I couldn't process and heal from his abuse at light speed, he became angry and told me I had something "mentally wrong" with me. Or he said I was vindictive and harboring resentment and animosity. Either way, he made it all about him, not about the deep, damaging, scarring wounds he inflicted on my heart and soul. It was as if he perceived these instances of severe abuse to be on the same level as a "spat", where we might have both said things we didn't mean and we both said "I'm sorry" and then all was well again.

But he never was well.

I am so sorry you are in this situation, RC. It is heartbreaking, you are right. But you have support and you are not alone in this. Thank you for your courage in sharing your story. Your honesty inspires me to be more honest with myself about my feelings in my current situation. I believe you will come through this even stronger than before. Like Lakebreeze, I wish for you to find the peace in the midst of the storm.

Redeemed

[babyducks]

Radcliff,

To me,  from where I sit,... .  you are a unicorn.   You are actually the best example of a unicorn I can think of.     My therapist and I have been talking about personal strength.    I don't think I have a lot of it.    She does.     I hope to never need the kind of personal strength you've been showing us every day for months.

I am sorry about your mother.   That is such a loss.   On top of all the other losses you have experienced and are experiencing.   Your mother must be quite the remarkable woman, since she participated in creating such a great son.   I lost my mother exactly at the same time as my partner ended our relationship.   Literally to the day.    Looking back I don't think that was an accident or coincidence.   I made a deliberate choice to put my mother before anything else.   Looking back with 20/20 hindsight I don't regret a minute of it.   Not one minute.

I'm guessing that D17 behavior is lighting a fire under many of the yet to be resolved issues from your wife.    It seems completely unfair, totally unfair that you experience this,  now,  too,     Please know that from the other end of the internet,  someone you have never met respects you, admires your efforts, and wishes you all the best things in the world.

'ducks

[Radcliff]

Thank you all for the kind words.  Your support is literally sustaining me through all of this.

I will keep you updated on major changes, though I may lengthen the interval.  I feel like each day has events that can bounce me around, and taking a few days to digest and let thing settle sometimes helps me.  I am hoping there will be activity next week that will move things along.

RC

[Lakebreeze]

RC:

I had not anticipated things going downhill like this, and I had not anticipated that as I got older and the kids started to launch, with the relationship deteriorating, that I might not be able to continue or might not be able to accept spending my last decades without emotional safety.

This hit me. Because it's so easy to say "well when the kids are older, life will slow down, less stress and it will all just magically be better."  But life will keep happening and BPD will still be part of it. This is a reality check. This must the ultimate exercise in radical acceptance.

I'm so sorry about your D17. That is heartbreaking. You are modeling the healthiest behavior you can. You have shown her what a Dad should be, and how to set boundaries and live your values. She sees it. If she can't admit it now, she still knows the truth.

You are in much better shape than I was at your age, and I have been very impressed by your capacity to care for your family and your husband.  Just make sure you take care of yourself.

Thank you. I'm not sure if it's completely deserved but I'm going to keep it as a goal.
All the best.
Lakebreeze

[Radcliff]

For us, the sheer physical exhaustion of parenting small children did get better.  I was reflecting a bit on our situation, and understand that fellow members may be thinking about how what I'm going through might relate to what they are going through.  There are a few negative factors that impacted us, that may not be present for others.

While my wife has functioned exceptionally well in aspects of life outside our relationship, and friends never expected that there was a problem, the BPD behaviors I have seen for years were rather extreme.  It's hard for me to compare to everyone else's experiences, but this is definitely not "BPD lite."

Our issues worsened considerably after my wife's cancer battle, a job loss for me, and the illness and death of my wife's mother.  I have heard that for many people with BPD, the symptoms lessen with age.  This was not the case for my wife.  My therapist has suggested that maybe one reason symptoms lessen is that real life doesn't tolerate BPD behaviors well.  In our case, since my wife's behaviors were almost exclusively directed at me, and I displayed superhuman tolerance, she was enabled to continue for decades.  The lesson here may be to establish boundaries and use all the other tools as early as possible.  Do not become a BPD sponge or lightning rod.  Learn and grow with outside support to improve things.  Had I known 20, 10, or even 5 years ago what I know now, perhaps things might have gone differently.

Our situation fundamentally changed with the escalation of abuse and physical violence in the last few years.  If that had not happened, I probably would have kept going (rightly or wrongly).  It was the abuse that drove me to this site.  I'm a slow learner.  Many of you who sought out this site and have become regulars here are much more proactive and effective in seeking help than I was.

On the other hand, while the abuse drove me to this site, I've pointed out that I'm a little thick-headed sometimes, and I should have reached out for help even without abuse.  The idea of heading into late life without emotional safety, without someone who has my back as I age, that's a pretty heavy thing for me even without domestic violence in the mix.

So I suppose I've thoroughly muddied the waters!  Here's what I think I know for sure:

* The tools here reallly work to make life better.  They've made life better for me.
* Even if someone eventually exits a relationship, if there are kids in the mix, the tool use and empathy learned here can be very important for coparenting
* Self-care and reflection are crucial.  Time passes quickly.  It's easy to spend that time just rolling the stone up the hill, without self-care or reflection.

RC

[I Am Redeemed]

Our issues worsened considerably after my wife's cancer battle, a job loss for me, and the illness and death of my wife's mother.  I have heard that for many people with BPD, the symptoms lessen with age.  This was not the case for my wife.  My therapist has suggested that maybe one reason symptoms lessen is that real life doesn't tolerate BPD behaviors well.  In our case, since my wife's behaviors were almost exclusively directed at me, and I displayed superhuman tolerance, she was enabled to continue for decades.  The lesson here may be to establish boundaries and use all the other tools as early as possible.  Do not become a BPD sponge or lightning rod.  Learn and grow with outside support to improve things.  Had I known 20, 10, or even 5 years ago what I know now, perhaps things might have gone differently.

I have heard the "age" thing too. However, I have also heard that symptoms get worse with heightened stress. Perhaps the extreme stress of personal illness, sudden changes in income, and the illness and loss of a loved one combined served as a catalyst for the worsening of symptoms, instead of lessening. I also agree with the "enabling theory" as a possibility for why the symptoms got worse instead of better. Poor boundaries combined with protecting/rescuing from consequences probably made it a lot easier for uBPDh to continue in his bad behavior. There was no motivation for change. I wish I had found this site much earlier. I probably would have made different decisions and choices. But, it happened the way it happened.

Our situation fundamentally changed with the escalation of abuse and physical violence in the last few years.  If that had not happened, I probably would have kept going (rightly or wrongly).  It was the abuse that drove me to this site.  I'm a slow learner.  Many of you who sought out this site and have become regulars here are much more proactive and effective in seeking help than I was.

Yes. I probably would have remained and kept tolerating poor treatment, if the physical abuse had not escalated to the level it did, and if I had not become seriously afraid for the safety of s2 and myself. I think it was more of a faulty perception of the role I played in the situation. I took much more responsibility than I should have, as far as believing that I had to stay to "direct" and do "damage control". I was only making things worse, for everyone.

On the other hand, while the abuse drove me to this site, I've pointed out that I'm a little thick-headed sometimes, and I should have reached out for help even without abuse.  The idea of heading into late life without emotional safety, without someone who has my back as I age, that's a pretty heavy thing for me even without domestic violence in the mix.

So I suppose I've thoroughly muddied the waters!  Here's what I think I know for sure:

* The tools here reallly work to make life better.  They've made life better for me.
* Even if someone eventually exits a relationship, if there are kids in the mix, the tool use and empathy learned here can be very important for coparenting
* Self-care and reflection are crucial.  Time passes quickly.  It's easy to spend that time just rolling the stone up the hill, without self-care or reflection.

I believe sometimes we get slowly "conditioned" to the "crazy." It became a way of life for me. I knew there was dysfunction, but I had dulled reactions to it. Some people after experiencing just one of the incidents I went through would have been like "Oh, heck no. I'm not doing this. This is crazy." But I somehow accepted it as my "normal", unhealthy and damaging as it may have been.

I agree that the tools here are valuable for improving communication, inside or outside of a r/s. Many parents will still have contact with a BPDx, because of children.

And time does pass so quickly. I don't know how I got to be 40 all of a sudden. Seems like I was just 20. That's kind of frightening, because I am entering the second half of my life with uncertainty about what my future looks like. I thought I knew at one time. Now I am unsure. I am prepared to live alone with my son, and hopefully my other children (at least part-time) without a SO. But I have never, in twenty-five years, been "just me." My MO was to exit a r/s and find another one immediately. I am NOT doing that today. I can't even think about it. But... .aging alone is a littlewhole bunch of scary.

There is nothing we can do about the past, or the choices we made. We can only go forward and make the decision every day to use the tools we have now. No matter how many years it took to get us here, we can make a difference in the years to come by learning and making better choices. I believe you are committed to doing that. I think you have done excellent work with self-reflection and honesty, and getting to the root of the only person whose behavior you have the power to change-you. 

Keep up the good work, RC! You have bpdfamily in your corner.

Blessings and peace,

Redeemed

[walkinthepark247]

Radcliff,

Going to your earlier comment about the statement your wife prepared with her attorney accusing you of the abuse, do you believe that your wife prepared this? Do you believe this is what she truly wanted to say and convey at that moment? In these situations, there are some lawyers that keep the controversy and adversarial system going even when it isn't in the best interests of their client. Let's face it, divorce attorneys in particular have a vested financial interest in seeing the dispute continue. Or, do you think it was truly statements coming from your wife?

I'm not downplaying the severity of your situation. I'm also not trying to create false hope. However, have you looked at it from that possible angle as well?

[Panda39]

Just a reminder: Things are fluid and ever changing, your daughter is with her mother for now, it sounds like college is next, and then who knows.

Hang in There,
Panda39

[Radcliff]

walkinthepark247, thank you, your question came across in the balanced way you intended.

I can answer this on two levels... .

At the high level, my wife is an adult, and is responsible for whatever her lawyer writes on her behalf.  I review everything my lawyer submits.  To me, someone with genuine remorse and a determination to save the relationship would realize that blaming the victim is not the way to do it.  The high road would have been to write a powerful and compelling letter that concentrated on positive things like therapy, acceptance of responsibility, desire to be there for the kids, etc.  Throwing me under the bus further makes me wonder whether I can ever trust her again -- it shows me that she is still equivocating, still thinking that there is some kind of balance of wrongs -- and I don't think trying to throw me under the bus particularly helps her case.

On another level, I know from accusations that my wife made when we were still living together, and from a comment or two that she made recently, that she fed all the information to the lawyer.  She may not have written the letter, it may have arisen from an interview by her lawyer, but all of the issues raised are in her voice.

So, walkinthepark247, it is a fair question, and I'm sure that when it suited her my wife would blame the letter on her lawyer, but in a situation like this, post-domestic violence, the only path to reconciliation just has to involve my wife behaving in a way that is totally above reproach.

RC

[I_Am_The_Fire]

Hey RC, I've been following this thread as well. It's a lot to deal with and I think you're handling it remarkably well.

As for your wife's accusations, I believe she would need proof of some kind for it to "stick" in court. My ex tried something similar (without a lawyer). He submitted to the court in an official document a listing of all kinds of false accusations in an attempt to paint me as a dangerous, unstable person. It felt like he had punched me in the gut. I never in my wildest dreams would have thought he'd do something like that, especially after being together for close to twenty years. It was a very rude awakening for me.

Having said that, his accusations never went anywhere in court. It was all word salad with no proof of any kind. However, the proof I had of his violent behavior was brought up in court (including a police report) several times. The judge even verbally reprimanded him for it. The session went over so we had to reconvene several months later. He hired an attorney for the continuation. I believe it helped his attorney to convince him to settle out of court. So I believe there is a good chance that her accusations probably won't hold merit. I would hope not, anyway.

As hard as it is to use it (which I totally understand), I'm glad you have proof of her abuse. It sucks you may have to use it. I hope she has a decent attorney who would see your proof as grounds for her to agree to your terms. She may not realize just how damaging that would be for her if it came up in court. She is probably doing a lot of magical thinking right now. My ex actually tried to justify his parental alienation attempts in court in front of the judge. I had physical proof of it via his messages to our eldest. I was surprised just how adamantly he defended himself. It was mind-boggling. From time to time, I do wonder what the judge would have come up with if we hadn't been able to agree to a settlement outside of court.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi RC,
I hope you are doing well in light of the difficulties you have been facing.
 

It's a lot to deal with and I think you're handling it remarkably well.

I concur wholeheartedly! You display a tremendous amount of strength.

As for your wife's accusations, I believe she would need proof of some kind for it to "stick" in court.

I agree. You have documented proof of her abuse. She has nothing to back up her claims.

Radcliff,

Going to your earlier comment about the statement your wife prepared with her attorney accusing you of the abuse, do you believe that your wife prepared this? Do you believe this is what she truly wanted to say and convey at that moment? In these situations, there are some lawyers that keep the controversy and adversarial system going even when it isn't in the best interests of their client. Let's face it, divorce attorneys in particular have a vested financial interest in seeing the dispute continue. Or, do you think it was truly statements coming from your wife?

I'm not downplaying the severity of your situation. I'm also not trying to create false hope. However, have you looked at it from that possible angle as well?

Perhaps it is a mixture of the two. A lawyer might prompt a client to "come up with" anything that could shift the focus (even slightly) from the negative shadow the client's actions has cast upon himself/herself. However, in my experience, pwBPD use projection as a defense mechanism for emotions that are too painful to feel. Shame, guilt, or even just the embarrassment of having such behavior "outed" publicly could cause a pwBPD to "rewrite history", thereby lessening or completely eliminating (in the mind of pwBPD) responsibility for their own bad behavior. I think you may have insight into that already:

-- it shows me that she is still equivocating, still thinking that there is some kind of balance of wrongs -- and I don't think trying to throw me under the bus particularly helps her case.

I would think that it would not help her case. It sounds like her lawyer is grasping at straws.

As hard as it is to use it (which I totally understand), I'm glad you have proof of her abuse. It sucks you may have to use it. I hope she has a decent attorney who would see your proof as grounds for her to agree to your terms. She may not realize just how damaging that would be for her if it came up in court. She is probably doing a lot of magical thinking right now.

It is regrettable that you may have to use the evidence you have instead of both parties coming to a reasonable and amicable agreement. However, that would mean that both parties are using adult reasoning skills, and when one of the parties is a pwBPD, expectations for reasonable and amicable may not be very realistic.

At the high level, my wife is an adult, and is responsible for whatever her lawyer writes on her behalf.  I review everything my lawyer submits.  To me, someone with genuine remorse and a determination to save the relationship would realize that blaming the victim is not the way to do it.  The high road would have been to write a powerful and compelling letter that concentrated on positive things like therapy, acceptance of responsibility, desire to be there for the kids, etc.

It could be possible that she does have remorse, on some level. It may not be the level that a "non" would reach in the same situation. Is it possible that she can not stand to feel remorse because it is too uncomfortable? You, if you were in her shoes, would not blame the victim, would take personal responsibility, resolve to be supportive of the children, etc. Youwould take the high road if you were in her position. I believe you are currently taking the high road in your position. But, if she, as a pwBPD, is incapable of coming up to your level, then perhaps the only thing she knows how to do is try to pull you down to hers- even if it is a complete fabrication.

My uBPDh frequently showed remorse for his behavior. At times I believe it was genuine. However, I think the stress of feeling the pressure to change his behavior inevitably triggered dysregulation, followed by distortions of reality and truth, then projection, accusations, focusing on everything he perceived to be wrong in me, even accusing me of abuse, and then raging. His lack of trust and his inability to be completely honest with himself or others inhibited any T he attempted. He only agreed to start therapy in the first place when we disguised it as "Couples counseling." Mostly it consisted of the T talking to us separately, and me telling him the truth while my h sugar-coated and edited everything. He was unable to focus on his issues. He only conceded to being at fault if I was in the "boat of wrongdoing" with him.

I would not worry so much about the legal aspect of the accusations, because I think they will be about as effective as putting water in a paper cup with holes in it. The emotional aspect, however, is where the fiery arrows will find their target- if you choose to let them. Raise your shield, RC. You are still on the high road, and we are all lined up along the way to support you.

Blessings and peace to you,

Redeemed

[Moselle]

your thoughts on the process, on things I’ve written that resonate with your experience, or emotions or factors on my road ahead that you may see that I am not, that feedback would be priceless.

Juggling your wife's destructive behaviour, parenting and finding your own path, is a mammoth job, so the first thing I would like to do is let you know that you are doing so well.  

Thank you for your story. My details are eerily similar, even down to having three girls of similar ages.

I have three things I would like to share:

1. You might not see the force of your recovery which you have put into play, and while you are aware of your journey towards health, I'm not sure that you can see the implications. When we decide to recover, its like a journey of discovery, we learn something and naturally want to celebrate it. It is like a snowball gathering momentum, and have you considered that this current crisis might just have been you, moving to the next level of recovery? You needed space and you have taken it. The destination you want/seek, the pace of recovery, how you get there, are all choices you make. And they have massive implications for your situation. Please consider the pace, willingness, ability and destination of a borderline's recovery? They are different.

2. I love L&L's response here:

I found the uncertainty and lack of control much harder to deal with than the abuse.

What is hard to predict is how you will feel at any one juncture. Emotions follow their own logic.

This tends to undo our best lists  

Our emotions are powerful, and indeed follow their own logic. What are your dominant feelings right now? We underestimate how much emotions play in our decision making. This is why we are discouraged from making big decisions when we are experiencing high emotional arousal. 4 years on this remains the most difficult part of my recovery. Managing my emotional state - it takes alot of practice

3. Please be patient with yourself as you go through this? I expected to heal myself quicksticks. It just doesn't work like that. Pace yourself and enjoy the journey. Take time each day to do things you love to do, just because you are worth it.

All the best. You've got this!

[Radcliff]

Hello all,

This thread is close to the length limit, so used my latest update as an opportunity to start off a continuation thread:

The Journey Forward After Domestic Violence In My Marriage (Part 2).

Thank you all for the tremendous support on this thread!  I've just re-read it, and I_Am_The_Fire, I Am Redeemed, and Moselle have some great input and questions that I'm hoping will be answered in the continuation thread.

RC