I keep dreaming about her...

[savreina]

I keep dreaming about her, literally every week & all of the dreams are negative. Why does she keep consuming my thoughts while awake and sleep

[JNChell]

The dreams are awful. I’ve been having them on a pretty regular basis as well. Maybe it proves that she really is in my head. Maybe our subconscious is just working overtime to get all of this sorted out. Our biological makeup doesn’t like the dysfunction it’s feeling anymore than our consciences do. It will pass. Just add it to the list of the hard stuff that we don’t want to endure, but we have to if we make the choice to come away from this as the best versions of ourselves that we have ever been. Keep your eye on the prize, savreina! We’ll get there!

[Insom]

Hi, savreina! 

I can relate with this and with JNChell!  Unwanted dreams are what brought me to this forum.  Relationships with people with BPD can be emotionally powerful experiences.   

How long ago was your relationship with this person?  Are you still in contact?

[Maxpax2011]

I have dreams as well. About 5 or 6 since our break up. All different kinds. In my dreams she is the illusion that I fell in love with. Sweet and gentle. Loving and caring. Not the angry and vengeful person She is now. One dream I reunited with her daughter that I have not seen since the break up. Of course when you wake up you realize it was just a dream and none of it was real. Because none of it was. We loved an illusion. They wore a mask. It hurts but at least we know now what is real and what is not. If we were still with them we would not even know that we were in love with a fantasy, a fake relationship.

[earlyL]

Hi,

Dreams are hard, I still have dreams at times and I am a year out from the end of our relationship. My therapist tells me that it means I am still processing things, which is strange because I don't think about her as much as I used to at all. I do find it hard but they don't hurt in the same way afterwards, I can somehow appreciate they are a dream, and that is all. How do you feel when you wake up? I find it strange sometimes as I never ever had vivid dreams before this time, in fact, it was my ex that always talked about her dreams.

EL

[savreina]

I honestly feel sad after I wake up, everything feels so soo so real & then when I’m up I’m back to reality & realize she’s no longer apart of my life but is still apart of my mind. I don’t want to feel anything towards her, the first time was so easy for me to walk away from but that was because I had distractions like a new job. Now I don’t have those distractions, I do have a new job but it’s a very easy going one, I have too much time on my hands to think while I’m at work

[Jeffree]

I don’t want to feel anything towards her

That's totally understandable, but perhaps not realistic. Some people might be able to do that, others can't. Oddly enough, that seems to be one of the things many of us accuse our BPDs of being able to do that hurts us to the core.

I guess I liken it to being a dry alcoholic. Yeah, sure, they don't drink when there's no alcohol around and that's easy, but their ability to not drink is greatly impacted by the presence of alcohol and the challenge of not having any or just having one or two drinks.

Case in point, I, too, am trying to scrub my memory of my STBx. However, the other day I was looking for something on a thumb drive I had with all my old work files on it. There were wedding pics of ours and a couple of videos I didn't even know existed. I took a trip on the wayback machine, and I felt OK with that.

I've come to terms with the fact that it's over, and all of her horrible behaviors toward me has wiped out any feelings I have for her. However, there are memories good and bad that I can't make go away. I'm OK with that because I don't have much choice.

J

[Insom]

savreina, What if the dreams aren't about her, but about you?

[earlyL]

I can really relate to the feeling sad when you wake up, but if it helps to know, I actually don't feel that way anymore even though the dreams still come. I found actually saying out loud 'I am feeling sad' when i did somehow let me accept it better. Of course that is not always possible when out and about, but at home there was a period where I talked to myself a lot about my feelings, it somehow let them be ok and I could see them as a thing rather than lasting forever.