Open relationship? I refused, did I do wrong?

[xyz-Girl]

We have been dating for 9 months, 3 close together and 6 as a long distance relationship. Last weekend he brought up the open relationship option with the excuse that he doesn't want to loose me but he can't deal with the distance, plus he wants to have fun and he feels tempted. I refused and let him know that either he wants me and only me or he can have fun with as many as he wants. He opted for a break up, out of the blue. Does he have another person in his life? Is he just having a self defense mechanism behavior because i am not sure if I would get to move closer in May? Or does he really don't care about us anymore? He is a pwBPD diagnosed about 10 months ago, high functioning. I have gone through NC for the last 2 days. And after the 2nd day of break up I found out he was out on a date with someone else. He has a flight for next weekend to come to visit me, I am not sure what his plan is. I am scared he will actually get on the flight and come to see me. Is he over me already or was it all a delusion? Every plan we made and every word he said to me? I thought understood him a little but now i am blank!

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[pearlsw]

Hi XYZ-Girl,

Do I understand correctly that you were in a long distance relationship and your partner wanted to change the terms of that relationship but you did not? Subsequent to that he chose to end the relationship entirely?

I am very sorry for your pain, but if I not missing something here it does sound like you two reached an impasse. This was non-negotiable and therefore a break happened.

As for you doing the wrong thing? It doesn't sound like it. This is a line you drew and it is up to hold it I think. I sense this is not the outcome you expected, but is it one you can adjust to? Is this what is right for you as painful as it is?

take care, pearl.

[Mutt]

Hi XYZ-GIRL,



Don’t blame yourself for his choices you did what you felt right for you. I can understand that it has to be hard not hearing from him for two days and these were the last words exchanged it could be possible that if he wants an open r/s it means that he has more people that he can fall back on. I’m not trying to scare you dues he take a break between r/s’s or does he from r/s to r/s without pausing?

[hope2727]

You are allowed to set boundaries on what you will and will not tolerate or participate in. Good for you for standing up for yourself.

[xyz-Girl]

Hi XYZ-GIRL,



Don’t blame yourself for his choices you did what you felt right for you. I can understand that it has to be hard not hearing from him for two days and these were the last words exchanged it could be possible that if he wants an open r/s it means that he has more people that he can fall back on. I’m not trying to scare you dues he take a break between r/s’s or does he from r/s to r/s without pausing?

Mutt,

 I am not sure but I think he usually don't. He confessed he met me after a week of ending things with her. She was a stripper and he couldn't take it. Seems like he can't take anything for too long, not sure. Then we met and started dating immediately, as his wish. I was very hesitant at first for his condition and prior experiences that marked me but he ended up catching me. What hurts is that I feel cheated on, as if everything he said was just a lie. It is very hard for me to accept that he just fell out of love that fast? Not sure how BPD people can do that. He is onto something. Idk if he just did this bc he felt I was not going to move closer any time soon and that I eventually will leave him? Thanks for your comment btw. It really helps to talk to someone that understands a little bit the condition

[Mutt]

You are allowed to set boundaries on what you will and will not tolerate or participate in. Good for you for standing up for yourself.

I think   hope2727 summed it up well  It’s good that you didn’t sell yourself short XYZ-GIRL. My advice is just hang back for a bit and see how things develop and see if if you hear from him. I know that this is tough being stuck in limbo like this. Keep talking it helps.

[xyz-Girl]

I think   hope2727 summed it up well  It’s good that you didn’t sell yourself short XYZ-GIRL. My advice is just hang back for a bit and see how things develop and see if if you hear from him. I know that this is tough being stuck in limbo like this. Keep talking it helps.

Yes, thank you! Everyone's words is helping having more clarity and giving me confidence that what I did was right even tho it hurts. I also got his Valentine's gift on the mail last night with a note that said how much he loved me so everything it's more confusing and harder today. Do you think he was testing me to reassure that I didn't want to be with other people and just him? I know his BPD gets him really insecure sometimes. It doesn't help that I am a very independent person and I need my alone time. He finds it strange, the other day he mentioned how none of his ex GFS preferred to be alone than going out with him and his friends all the time, that they always would want to spend time with him bc they love spending time with him, and I do so too but I do also need my time, I enjoy being by myself and do nothing or do a lot. Maybe our personalities just don't match and trigger him a lot ?

Thanks for all the support

[Mutt]

You’re welcome. How long does it take to send something to by mail in your town or city? If my girlfriend sent me something it would take a couple of days because were in the same city.  Is it possible that he sent before this happened? I wouldn’t look too deeply into it what I mean is take at face value it’s a valentines gift o don’t think that there’s ulterior motive not right now anyways.

I have a hard time believing that all of his friends are extroverts there was to be some introverts too. Extrovert people need to be around others that ms how they get energy and introvert is opposite they needs alone to recharge. He said it in a way where it doesn’t sound what you do is normal it’s perfectly normal I’m an introvert too. To answer compatibility i think it helps that you both know which one you are and just respect the differences.

[xyz-Girl]

You’re welcome. How long does it take to send something to by mail in your town or city? If my girlfriend sent me something it would take a couple of days because were in the same city.  Is it possible that he sent before this happened? I wouldn’t look too deeply into it what I mean is take at face value it’s a valentines gift o don’t think that there’s ulterior motive not right now anyways.

I have a hard time believing that all of his friends are extroverts there was to be some introverts too. Extrovert people need to be around others that ms how they get energy and introvert is opposite they needs alone to recharge. He said it in a way where it doesn’t sound what you do is normal it’s perfectly normal I’m an introvert too. To answer compatibility i think it helps that you both know which one you are and just respect the differences.

Yes, he ordered it one day before everything happened. Yeah, he always had trouble respecting my believes, my personality, and understanding my culture too. I would say I am both and introverted and an extroverted. I used to be an extroverted and wanted to be around people all the time but I never evolved as a person that way, then I found myself taking my time alone and I now appreciate it more than before. I don't think he has found himself yet, even tho he is 31 years old. And you are right, I shouldn't look into the gift much. It means nothing now, I am just struggling at accepting all I think.