Should I expect her to contact me ever again?

[Alf17]

Hi to you all!
Well, if you have read my other post, I explained my situation (it´s a bit different than it usually is to be with BPD girlfriend, but it fits mostly, what´s a bit different was a completely perfect relationship with all love, support... .this stuff during about 14 months, then she left me out of the blue, started acting really mean, what just shocked me, and never heard from her again, you have the post here anyway: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=320587.0).

Well, the thing is that I was never able to propperly see her "Mr. Hyde side". Even during the break up she was being nice (she changed one day because I didn´t answered her a message when she "needed it" as she said, and from then, she never was the same and she dumped me few days after that).
While breaking up with me she was telling me that everything she lived with me has been perfect, she has never been so happy, I´d make other woman incredibly happy... .but she wasn´t feeling the same and she was so sincere that she couldn´t be in a relationship if she´s not completely in love.
But even if she was saying all of these things, she also asked me for some money that she paid for me during our hollydays cause she wanted to thank me for some efforts I did to help her with her final medicine exam. She asked for it two days before dumping me, and as she asked for it for some important reasons I didn´t have any problems to give it to her. Then she dumped me, started acting ice cold and I started to see the whole picture, like if she was traying to make me look like the bad guy, cause I wasn´t giving her "her" money back, as I told her to pay all the holydays equally (she paid the hotel, and we went there in my car, I drove all the way, I paid for the gas, I paid all the food we bought... .this kind of things). Obviously once she dumped I wasn´t feeling like giving her that money just because she "needed it", it would feel so stupid, as I was feeling like she had been using me all this time long, and once she got bored, she tried to make me give her some money and I meant nothing to her.

Well, that was 4 months ago, and from then we talked 2 times by whatsapp. First, one month after breaking up (she asked me for the money, I gave her the half of that money the day she dumped me... .I was really shocked and wasn´t able to think and notice how mean she was being). I asked her if she knew why did she left me, she acted in a very deffensive way, being rude, I told her to pay the hollydays equally as that was the only thing she seemed to care about, she refused, her intention was me to pay her half of the hotel, and when I asked her about gas, food and all the stuff I paid for, seh told me I was giving her excuses bc I didn´t want to give her back her money (I wasn´t believing she wasn´t being able to reason about something that logical) and ended up insulting me, saying I was acting horrible and all of this things.
A month later I contacted her just to end everything in a different way, as I thought everything might have gone that bad cause the break up was too close the las time and she was confused, I wasn´t able to belive that the person wo was soo lovely, kind, generous... .with me during more than a year, suddenly became a mean person.
The result, she blamed me on everything that happened, insulted me again and blocked me, even I dind´t spoke her rude during all the conversation despite all the things she has done to me.
And today is the day she´s finally doing her exam.
After doing it she´ll go on hollydays with her family.
And I don´t know if she may contact me now that her stress is gone. And in that case I don´t know what should I do. Answer her, try to meet her and talk face to face, ignore her... .

I´m really confused as I knew a really good person who I fell in love with and she was that way during more than a year. And then out of the blue she completelly changed. So I still think that lovely girl is there, but I can´t forget about all the things I just told you... .They are like two completelly different people.

Thanks for the advice and support!

The thing is that what started all this change was her

[crushedagain]

Just curious - why do you think she has BPD? From all accounts, this sounds like a woman who met another guy and dumped you. That's not really a defining characteristic of BPD. As far as the arguing about money and trying to make you look bad - she's doing that to try to assuage her guilt over what she's done to you.

If it were me, I would not contact this woman again. And no, it doesn't sound like she will contact you again. I believe she's in another relationship.

[Mutt]

Hi Alf17,

she couldn´t be in a relationship if she´s not completely in love.

You’re probably going to get different opinions about this. I think that life isn’t always about things are being good there’s good and bad. You might have more intense feelings at the beginning of the r/s because it’s something new but eventually things wane a little and then it can pick back up. Personally I think that you have to be interested and willing to work on things and expect that it won’t always be perfect.

Don’t take this the wrong way, I think that you had stronger feelings about her than she has of you.

The positive side is that she gave you closure, there are a lot of members that are traumatized after the breakup because they didn’t get closure. That didn’t mean that your situation is not as important I’m just letting you know. I understand how devastating that feels when you’re dumped and you didn’t see it coming.

Your thread title suggests to me that you’d like to talk to her again. How do you see the r/s going forward? I agree crushedagain, let’s turn the telescope the other way around, if you dumped her without telling her and you have to speak / talk to her how would you feel?

[Alf17]

Just curious - why do you think she has BPD? From all accounts, this sounds like a woman who met another guy and dumped you. That's not really a defining characteristic of BPD. As far as the arguing about money and trying to make you look bad - she's doing that to try to assuage her guilt over what she's done to you.

If it were me, I would not contact this woman again. And no, it doesn't sound like she will contact you again. I believe she's in another relationship.

Hi there!
Well, she felt deeply in love with me really quick, kept all the relationship making me promise her that I would never ever leave her as she wouldn't be able to live without me, it really was a big love bombing. She also used to eat way more than  she should sometimes. She has no tolerance at all when we talk about failure. Sometimes had childish tantrums. Always said that she feels emotion deeper than anyone else.
I felt a love way bigger than ever, like I was a God to her (idealitation phase was clear to me even when I did know nothing about BPD, I talked about that in the other post).
I also know that she met nobody, due to her exams she was studying 10 hours a day,  anyways I have talked with a close friend of her, who is also friend with me and assured me that she wasn't with anyone else.
Then, when she felt that I failed her and wasn't that perfect one she though I was, she started acting different, she went from wanting to be with me more than anything, needing me, not being able to stay without me for even a couple of days, to feel nothing at all about me, she started criticizing everything I was doing... .
It was a huge change that happened suddenly and for no reason at all. Some days before dumping me she was talking about living together, spending our life together and then she started acting in a way that I wasn't even able to recognize her.
At least she has many BPD traits. As I say in the other post I do not try to diagnose her, but it is the more surreal experience I have ever had, and it's being really hard to me to accept someone can change that much in the way she feels acts... .Out of the blue.

[Alf17]

Your thread title suggests to me that you’d like to talk to her again. How do you see the r/s going forward? I agree crushedagain, let’s turn the telescope the other way around, if you dumped her without telling her and you have to speak / talk to her how would you feel?

Thanks a lot for your answer mate.
I totally agree with you. Relationships aren't the same the first month and after more than  a year.
I'd like the girl I knew to talk to me, but I also feel as she doesn't exist anymore, so I have splitted feelings about this... .
Anyway what I'd like to matters nothing at all, the point is that I don't know what to do if she decides to talk to me, as I can't think about her jekyll and Mr hyde faces as different people... .
Don't know, I think I'm just confused, and as I helped her so much to prepare this exam, today I feel a bit more sensitive.

Talking about it makes me feel better, so thanks a lot for your answer and your support mate.

[once removed]

but it is the more surreal experience I have ever had, and it's being really hard to me to accept someone can change that much in the way she feels acts... .Out of the blue.

it is really hard. im sorry youve been through this, Alf17.

its hard to say whether or not she will contact you. i can tell you if its about the money, id tell her to buzz off.

how are you doing today?

[crushedagain]

I'm sorry I didn't see your other thread before I replied. She does seem to have the hallmarks of BPD. I'm sorry for what you're going through. It's very difficult, I know. Mine left me 5 months ago and I'm still in great pain.

[Alf17]

it is really hard. im sorry youve been through this, Alf17.

its hard to say whether or not she will contact you. i can tell you if its about the money, id tell her to buzz off.

how are you doing today?

Thanks for your answer mate!
yeah... .after all the moments we shared... .incredibly happy moments during more than a year, after all the support I gave her during her last year studying, and all efforts I´ve done during the relationships... .see that the only thing she was able to care about was a money that she decided to pay for me to thank me my support and my efforts... .it feels just really bad
It make me feel like I´ve been just a toy she played with and she used, and once she got tired, promishes were nothing, time spent together was nothing, all things she said about how good was being with me were nothing... .it just feels like one day she stopped being human... .
I keep studying for my own competitive exams, but I´m not being able to focus as I used to. I won´t stop anyway, just keep trying and hope to be OK again in some time

[Alf17]

I'm sorry I didn't see your other thread before I replied. She does seem to have the hallmarks of BPD. I'm sorry for what you're going through. It's very difficult, I know. Mine left me 5 months ago and I'm still in great pain.

No worrys. We all here share some similar pain. Each one have their own story, all of them are different. But it´s painful anyway.

I´m now 4 months since she dumped me, and 2 months with N/C.
Seeing that the person you were most important to, and who planned a whole life with you is able to suddenly dum you and erase you from all her feelings and thoughs... .is just really hard to accept.

[Speck]

Hello, Alf17! 

I've read both of your posts and can really understand how bamboozled and betrayed you feel.

Seeing that the person you were most important to, and who planned a whole life with you is able to suddenly dump you and erase you from all her feelings and thoughts... .is just really hard to accept.

Yes, it is, my friend.  I've been there, myself, and it's a tough thing to reconcile.

But, I see that you find writing about here therapeutic, so keep at it.  Write and write until you are merely sorting grocery lists in your head as you try to fall asleep.

That's when you'll know you're over her.


-Speck

[Alf17]

But, I see that you find writing about here therapeutic, so keep at it.  Write and write until you are merely sorting grocery lists in your head as you try to fall asleep.

That's when you'll know you're over her.


-Speck
[/quote]

Thanks for your support mate!
Yes... .it´s just so surreal... .
I look back now and I see I gave her so much support, day after day, so much help, and I put so much effort into the relationship... .
And she thankem me soo much, told me so many times she had never been so happy, she had never loved so much, she wouldn´t make it if I were gone... .and day in the blink of an eye, that caring, loving and wonderful girl was gone, and all the feelings she had were gone, and all the time we spent together was nothing at all for her...
It feels like my beloved one was gone and instead someone left her complete opposite... .

[Speck]

... .and one day in the blink of an eye, that caring, loving and wonderful girl was gone, and all the feelings she had were gone, and all the time we spent together was nothing at all for her.

I know, friend.  And I'm so sorry you've experienced this sudden turn of events.  That's what makes these types of relationships so ridiculously head-scratchingly painful.  Yes, indeed.  People who suffer from BPD have a hard time regulating their emotions.  They feel everything very intensely and express themselves in the same manner, which is the feedback that you being a Non have grown to trust as the truth.  Unfortunately for you, when your pwBPD tells you that they love you, it is true for them, and the very next day, when your pwBPD tells you that they are over you, it is also true for them.

And the Non is left to decide which part of the truth is the truth! Maddening!

I hear you. I've been there. Hang around here... .until you start to feel stronger/better. There's lots to learn. I just want you to know that you're in good company.


-Speck

[crushedagain]

That's what's so painful about these relationships, the BPD will throw it away in an instant. I used to tell mine that she didn't respect me or the relationship, because if she did she wouldn't constantly threaten to leave over minuscule things. The tiniest perceived slights in their mind warrant nuclear-like responses which are completely dysfunctional.

[Alf17]

Well, about a week since she finished her exam, and I have heard nothing from her. Now I expect to hear nothing at all from her ever again. My hope about that is dead now, and I think this is something good!

Now that I put some time between us and have been in N/C for over two months I can see that I really put a big effort during the R/S. I strongly supported her during her weak moments, and she dumped me during mines and cared nothing at all.
For me the hardest thing has been to accept such a big change in the person I trusted, loved and thought I knew the best, to break all the promises she made me during more than  a year, about our future together, and being treated in such a mean way even when she was doing the unthinkable and dumping me (unthinkable before I knew anything about BPD, know I can see she is just following a very specific schedule)
I will see a very good friend of her next week, the one who introduced us actually, but I will tell her nothing about the surreal and mean behaviors she has had with me.
I'll put all my efforts on leaving this experience in the past, and never forget what I've learnt from this deep wound
It has changed me, I won't let myself to fall so deep in love, but I won't close myself to relationships, I won't trust words and promises ever again, but I'll look carefully facts and actions.
And of course once again thanks a lot for helping someone you all don't know!
I'll try to give it all back and help as much as I can!

[once removed]

My hope about that is dead now, and I think this is something good!

this is a big step. i remember i clung to hope for a while, because it was too painful to let it go. when i did, it really hurt, and it took a lot of grieving, but i found it was the way through. as they say, "attachment leads to suffering, detachment leads to freedom". when you get that urge, run with it.

I'll try to give it all back and help as much as I can!

i hope you will, it always helps members to hear from someone who is through the earliest stages of the deep, dark pain. i find that helping others in difficult circumstances really challenges and rewards me, and keeps me learning.

if i can offer you some advice, keep learning. time can alleviate the pain, but i found it took active effort and trial and error to fully heal.

[Speck]

For me, the hardest thing has been to accept such a big change in the person I trusted, loved and thought I knew the best, to break all the promises she made me during more than a year, about our future together, and being treated in such a mean way.

Yes, it is a very hard thing to reconcile. But, as you said, once you look at it through the understanding of a BPD filter, it sort of makes sense... .for them. It's what people suffering with BPD do to protect themselves.  Anyway, I hope that you understand that her treating you that way and leaving you had very little to do with you.

It certainly sounds like you've turned the corner on your shock and grief and are now starting to slide into acceptance.  I just wanted to say congratulations.

Hang in there, bud.  If you find yourself backsliding into deep grief about it again, we won't hold it against you... .

Just come back here to hash it out.


-Speck