Is annoyance in the stages of grief? ;)

[lighthouse9]

Hey BPD family,

Whew - what a week. I've been low contact all week with my separating uBPDw and it's been really productive, if not painful. I've had a chance to work through a lot of the emotions that were almost impossible to access while she was around and spiraling in front of me, going back and forth between idealization and devaluation. The withdrawal was awful but then I hit some anger and now I've... .annoyance? Didn't see this one coming.

She comes back to the house today to pick up the stuff she left here and get the cat. The first part was my insistence - and it took me going through the whole house to weed through things and figure out what was hers and what wasn't. Would have been nice for her to have done that, but whatever. Cue my annoyance. I know what I need - which is for this separation to actually BE a separation, whether its on its way to divorce or healing. That means getting her stuff out.

Fingers crossed, I think I might have found a place to live close to work and close to the DBT place I started going to (that she says she's going to go to as well - I'll believe it when I see it). I just have to find out if they're willing to let me bring my cat, then I see the place on Wednesday. I was able to negotiate a short term lease with a month to month option with the owner, which was truly a blessing. Just the possibility of this place is putting my mind at ease a bit. It also gave me the strength to start packing up the house and organizing things for my impending move.

She comes over in a few hours and I have no idea what the interaction is going to be like, but I think I'm less on edge about it somehow. I asked her yesterday (over text) if there was anything I should be prepared to discuss or do today and she responded "not that I can think of!" Cool, because last I checked we were separating and trying to decide if divorce was happening or not. Definitely nothing to talk about. Again, cue my annoyance.

I've resolved that I'm not going to push things with her today. If she really does just come over to get her stuff and have small talk, I'm good with that. I know what I need to do. I also know where I stand, which is that with the right mix of space and therapy for both of us, I'd give this another go. That's not going to change for me, even if I am starting to get annoyed. There's a lot she "owes" me, per the rules of her career - mainly that she's supposed to pay to keep me in housing through the separation and as long as we are still married I have the right to stay here. She's not letting that happen, and I see nothing positive coming from reminding her of her obligation. I'm in a position to support myself financially, so why stay here and pretend that I can depend on someone who is not dependable? Again, cue the annoyance.

So here I am - and again, didn't see this one coming - I'm annoyed as hell right now! I'm taking this as a good thing, because it feels like a sign that some of my codependency is starting to break up. I'm going to try my best not to show it, because I know that no matter what she says, she's still in a very fragile state and that any "wrong" move from me could trigger it again. But, that's honestly one of the things I'm annoyed about. She got mad before she left that I was trying to influence her and trying to make my desires her desires. I thought about it after she left and called BS on that. That's the BPD talking. Just because she can't separate her desires from mine, doesn't mean I don't get to voice my desires, especially when that desire is to work this relationship out after therapy and separation. This is a bit annoying, no? That I'm being blamed for wanting to uphold my marriage vow, even in the face of someone who couldn't uphold hers temporarily? I've told her before, and have said it to myself several times this week - my experience is my experience, my emotions are my emotions, my desires are my desires. I can validate her emotions and experiences and still have my own, even when they are conflicting. I won't apologize for having my own. And dang it I won't apologize for being compassionate and patient and not running! Screw that. I don't run. If I end up leaving this relationship, it's either because she's served me divorce papers and I'm out of options, or because I have decided that it's not worth it anymore. Either way, I'm walking away calmly with my head up and my shoulders back. No running here.

Anyways - just wanted to check in before she comes over, and give myself a touch point to come back to when I inevitably get a little bit drawn into her in a few hours and feel crazy and out of touch with myself again. Wish me luck!

-L

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[Insom]

Good luck, lighthouse9!

I'm annoyed as hell right now! I'm taking this as a good thing, because it feels like a sign that some of my codependency is starting to break up . . . Just because she can't separate her desires from mine, doesn't mean I don't get to voice my desires, especially when that desire is to work this relationship out after therapy and separation.

I agree this sounds like a good thing.  For me, annoyance (or anger) has been important to feel.  It's helped me understand what my boundaries are and inspired me to enforce them.

Fingers crossed, I think I might have found a place to live close to work and close to the DBT place I started going to (that she says she's going to go to as well - I'll believe it when I see it). I just have to find out if they're willing to let me bring my cat, then I see the place on Wednesday. I was able to negotiate a short term lease with a month to month option with the owner, which was truly a blessing. Just the possibility of this place is putting my mind at ease a bit. It also gave me the strength to start packing up the house and organizing things for my impending move.

Congrats!  This is great news!  Keep us updated on how this works out.

Just wanted to check in before she comes over, and give myself a touch point to come back to when I inevitably get a little bit drawn into her in a few hours and feel crazy and out of touch with myself again.

How are you feeling now?

[Mutt]

Hi lighthouse9,



Is the annoyance because you don’t want this separation and you feel like she doesn’t display that the marriage is as important? You said you won’t back down but I get the feeling that you might feel like she’s not fighting for the marriage as much as you are. I’d feel disappointed and annoyed too.

[lighthouse9]

Hi Insom,

Thanks for the reply!

The annoyance was a good thing - and I think you're right, they're really making my boundaries that much more clear. I had a check in with my coach this morning and I was able to articulate some of these boundaries in writing before our call, which was just before she came over. I'm finding that it's been helpful to schedule our check ins right after I've either come out of therapy or out of one of my coaching sessions. Then, I'm more likely to be in a clear and validated place and need less validation from her and less work from her to help me reach clarity.

No word on the apartment yet, but I'm so hopeful. Fingers crossed for sure. It has not been an easy search!

How am I feeling now? Hmm... .I miss her, I miss the little kitty (she took the little one, I have the cat I came into the marriage with), but I'm feeling good about how things went down, if not a little confused and impatient.

The check in went well, in terms of us connecting well, keeping it mostly low key, and the energy was really good. She seems to be out of crisis and is back to taking care of herself in some really impressive ways. When she's like this, it's so easy to forget that it's the same person who wreaked so much havoc before! She was incredibly reasonable and very much in her body, which was great to see.

We had some good conversation about normal stuff, like "how's work" and "what's new," and then she started telling me about getting to the bottom of her parents' divorce, which I know has been a contentious topic for her. Long story short, mom is uBPD and is incredibly destructive in some of the most "who, little old me?" kind of ways. Mom has done a hell of a job painting me black in the last year and over Christmas was extremely rude to my family and embarrassed herself and everyone else while spending the holidays with us. When my w was young, her parents split up, mom blamed it on dad having an affair with a younger woman, and then left the state, driving from West Coast to East Coast and never looking back. They moved in with uBPD uncle, who was also severely into drugs and was abusive. So, my w grew up surrounded by dysfunction, with no way to know mom was lying about dad, and with little contact with dad. As an adult, mostly in our marriage, she's been building a relationship with him and working to get him to talk about what happened, and only recently has he come around a bit to talk. Last week, while she was out of town and a few days after she moved out, he opened up and told his story, which is basically that he tried to get her help, she wouldn't get help, and he got fed up and left because he wanted more for himself. No huge surprise here, but I imagine the confirmation was incredible for her. She also was able to feel bad for her mom, but also feel sad that she never got help for herself and was like "look at the consequences." I'm not sure if she's connecting this to herself at all, but I asked if knowing all of this was helping her bring some compassion to herself and she said yes in a very reflective kind of way.

Then, we packed her car up, got the cat ready to go, and went our separate ways. Before she left, she said that she really liked the structure of this last week (checked in on Wednesday night for 20 minutes on the phone and kept things low pressure) and wanted to do it again this week. I kind of expected to not talk to her all week and see her again next weekend, when she would come over to help out with getting the house ready to vacate. But, she asked to check in again and I'm good with that, so we have a call scheduled for Wednesday night, just like last week. I didn't directly ask her where her head was at in terms of divorce or separation, but did ask if she was still planning to go to counseling. She said she was trying to get in this week, and I have a lot of faith in the place she's going to and the people there, so that's nice. It was a bit odd to have an interaction without talking about what's next or what we're doing, but I've realized that no matter what is next, my next steps are the same, so being patient won't kill me. It's a good exercise in me having less control, which is definitely something I need to do.

I had a laugh after she left, because it was like week 1 of the therapeutic separation was over and it went well. We didn't agree on a therapeutic separation, but I printed out some literature on it for her a few weeks back and asked her to consider it. While we haven't agreed to it, we're pretty much doing everything that would be in a formalized separation: taking space, setting up a structure for low contact, working on ourselves, getting professional support, healing past traumas, and rekindling hobbies/interests that we lost a bit during the relationship. If she'll stick to that kind of behavior, I can wait a bit before we have a more formal conversation.

I'm a little more off center than I was this morning, but that's to be expected. I didn't get too wrapped up in her but was able to show appreciation and slight affection without being needy or insecure. All wins. My work is to enjoy the next couple of days and do what I need to do, not just count down the hours til we talk again. That won't do either of us any good.

Hi Mutt!

I think the annoyance was more just a general annoyance that her choices are still my consequences, and she's made some really bad choices lately. As far as the marriage not being important to her, I really don't think that's true. I think it means a ton to her, but I don't think she believes she deserves it or me and she's terrified that she's going to do something else to mess it up. We fight for things differently, and I think this is weirdly her way of fighting for me, if not for the marriage. But, as I've told her many times, she doesn't get to decide what is good for me. I can walk out if she's not good for me. I can set boundaries (I have and am). Being married means both of us having selves that can have desires and those desires reasonably overlap. When all of this went down, she had so little sense of self, but I saw a bit of her back today. I don't want her if she doesn't feel like she has herself. That's just selfish on my part. So in a way, she is fighting.

Still, I need to see that fight over the long term. She needs to find herself first and can't give up on that and can't let someone (me or a new attachment) come in and dictate what she's going to be and want for the next however long. I've accepted that this work comes first and that our marriage comes second, and for now, I'm ok with that.

But... .this could all change in an instant, because we are talking about BPD after all. I didn't see this level of sh*tshow coming and so I'm not going to be lulled asleep by a positive interaction and think she's just all of a sudden ok now. She's doing well because of our separation, our boundaries, and our commitments to ourselves. Any one of those changes, heck even if they don't, and things could go a different direction. For all I know, she's meeting with a lawyer tomorrow and is serving me papers in a week. Or she left our house and ran off with her affair partner again. She says that's not happening, but hey, she's lied to me before so it's going to be a bit before I believe she's not lying to me again. Again, just practicing patience right now.
 

[Insom]

Hey, lighthouse9.  How are things going?

[lighthouse9]

Hey Insom - thanks for checking in. I'm considering starting a new thread, because our check in last night was such a disaster, it might be its own category. More soon.

-L