What helps you or has helped you in letting go?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi sweet people on this forum,

I'm starting to realise more and more that even if my ex uBPD would want me back that it would probably not work. In the first place because I think my friends and family just wouldn't accept it. They have seen me go through the hurt of losing him too many times already and my best friends pretty much hate him now. I have told them everything and they are disgusted by the kind of person he is. Of course I can't look at it in that way, to me he is still someone I value and miss so very much and I know that if he'd be at my doorstep begging me for another chance I'd take him back right away.

It's only because he doesn't take those steps and I'm too afraid of rejection (because he was the one who broke up with me) to take them, that we aren't back together. The only contact we've had in the 5 weeks since our last break up was a conversation via whats app last Tuesday and which has set me back big time. He said things like that he hates how things have turned out and that he's angry at us/what happened and that he's not sure he'll make it on his own and that he's still worried about me (don't really know what he's worried about? should have asked him then). And he also invited me over to his house (or in his words "It's a pity you can't see my new wallpaper, but I don't want to propose anything stupid and if I would you would probably decline anway" but I declined his offer because it seemed to me that he just wanted to have sex with me and I think that would only have hurt me.

I just notice that I can't seem to let go of him or of the hope of him changing his mind. Especially because of that conversation. He hasn't contacted me since though, so I don't know what to think. I am starting to realise that I need to move on. But I don't know how. What has helped you to move on and let go? Do you have any advise for me? He also said in that conversation that "if I ever wanted to go out for coffee I should just ask", should I contact him and say that I want to drink coffee with him? Or should I remain NC again? Sorry for the many questions, I just want to get out of this chaos in my head.

[blooming]

Hi sweet people on this forum,

I'm starting to realise more and more that even if my ex uBPD would want me back that it would probably not work. In the first place because I think my friends and family just wouldn't accept it. They have seen me go through the hurt of losing him too many times already and my best friends pretty much hate him now. I have told them everything and they are disgusted by the kind of person he is. Of course I can't look at it in that way, to me he is still someone I value and miss so very much and I know that if he'd be at my doorstep begging me for another chance I'd take him back right away.

It's only because he doesn't take those steps and I'm too afraid of rejection (because he was the one who broke up with me) to take them, that we aren't back together. The only contact we've had in the 5 weeks since our last break up was a conversation via whats app last Tuesday and which has set me back big time. He said things like that he hates how things have turned out and that he's angry at us/what happened and that he's not sure he'll make it on his own and that he's still worried about me (don't really know what he's worried about? should have asked him then). And he also invited me over to his house (or in his words "It's a pity you can't see my new wallpaper, but I don't want to propose anything stupid and if I would you would probably decline anway" but I declined his offer because it seemed to me that he just wanted to have sex with me and I think that would only have hurt me.

I just notice that I can't seem to let go of him or of the hope of him changing his mind. Especially because of that conversation. He hasn't contacted me since though, so I don't know what to think. I am starting to realise that I need to move on. But I don't know how. What has helped you to move on and let go? Do you have any advise for me? He also said in that conversation that "if I ever wanted to go out for coffee I should just ask", should I contact him and say that I want to drink coffee with him? Or should I remain NC again? Sorry for the many questions, I just want to get out of this chaos in my head.

[JNChell]

Hi blooming. As hard as it is, I know because I’m in a similar place, trying to maintain LC (we have a Son) is helping. I still have urges and sometimes I still act on them. I feel worse every time I do. It just tells her that she’s in control. I can relate to the family and friends situation. Although I don’t ever see her trying another recycle, and I hope she won’t, it would be a slap in the face to the loved ones that have supported and helped me if I would let her back in. Not to mention I would be making a huge mistake if I ever even considered letting her come back. I’m able to be a better parent to our Son without her. We parallel parent by my request. I now have our parenting schedule set up to where we don’t have to see each other in person. It’s not court ordered, so I am worried that she’ll eventually throw a monkey wrench in it. Lately, when I start to ruminate and miss her I’ve been trying to sit with my feelings and try to observe them. I’ll also flood my mind with visuals of her rages and remember the awful things she’s said and done. I hope you’re able to find a way out of the chaos soon. I know how painful it is. Take care.

[Aiko]

"I’ll also flood my mind with visuals of her rages and remember the awful things she’s said and done"

That x100

[blooming]

Hi blooming. As hard as it is, I know because I’m in a similar place, trying to maintain LC (we have a Son) is helping. I still have urges and sometimes I still act on them. I feel worse every time I do. It just tells her that she’s in control. I can relate to the family and friends situation. Although I don’t ever see her trying another recycle, and I hope she won’t, it would be a slap in the face to the loved ones that have supported and helped me if I would let her back in. Not to mention I would be making a huge mistake if I ever even considered letting her come back. I’m able to be a better parent to our Son without her. We parallel parent by my request. I now have our parenting schedule set up to where we don’t have to see each other in person. It’s not court ordered, so I am worried that she’ll eventually throw a monkey wrench in it. Lately, when I start to ruminate and miss her I’ve been trying to sit with my feelings and try to observe them. I’ll also flood my mind with visuals of her rages and remember the awful things she’s said and done. I hope you’re able to find a way out of the chaos soon. I know how painful it is. Take care.

You mean that I would show him that he's in control if I text him myself (for example asking if his offer for coffee still stands)? Yes I was thinking about maybe making a list of all the times he made me feel worthless, all the hurtful things he said to me, all the things I didn't do because of him. Maybe that will help me with letting go. Thank you for your support! It just sucks that that conversation has rekindled my hope again, although I know it's probably hopeless.

[JNChell]

Hi blooming. I may have come across incorrectly. I was trying to get across how things are with my situation in hopes of trying to relate to yours a little. I hope I didn’t make it seem like I was saying that your ex is trying to control you in an attempt to see you. Only you can know that for sure. Maybe trust your intuition. I know that that can be very hard to do right now, seeing as how our emotions can tend to take the wheel in these situations. Although it’s been a real struggle, I’m finding that trying to be as objective as possible works better while trying to navigate my way through the muck of detachment. A reminder that I’ve started to utilize when I feel my emotions start to overtake my thinking when it comes to my ex is to remember that to her, feelings = facts and it isn’t working out for her very well. I’m sorry if I came across in a way that was upsetting for you.

[enlighten me]

Hi Blooming

Apart from reminding myself of their bad behaviour what really helped me detach is ketchup. May sound odd but I hate the stuff and she even uses it in cooking. Its this incompatibility over something so trivial that has helped me see we would never work. I suggest you look for something that you love or hate that they are of an opposing opinion to. If they love to watch football and you hate it or if you love to exercise and they begrudge you doing it then play on that. Take the spotlight from the person and put it on you and what you like/ dislike. Be a little selfish, rather than looking at compromise look to what you want.

[zeus123]

This board has helped a lot ! And what helped me the most was SHARI SCHREIBER. She's god!

[blooming]

Hi blooming. I may have come across incorrectly. I was trying to get across how things are with my situation in hopes of trying to relate to yours a little. I hope I didn’t make it seem like I was saying that your ex is trying to control you in an attempt to see you. Only you can know that for sure. Maybe trust your intuition. I know that that can be very hard to do right now, seeing as how our emotions can tend to take the wheel in these situations. Although it’s been a real struggle, I’m finding that trying to be as objective as possible works better while trying to navigate my way through the muck of detachment. A reminder that I’ve started to utilize when I feel my emotions start to overtake my thinking when it comes to my ex is to remember that to her, feelings = facts and it isn’t working out for her very well. I’m sorry if I came across in a way that was upsetting for you.

It's hard to trust my intuition because he is giving of such differen signals. On one hand in the conversation I had with him it seemed like he regretted the break up and he suggested meeting up for coffee and me coming over to his house. On the other hand he hasn't contacted me since, and if he would really have wanted to see me and reconcile, he would have contacted me again already I guess.

I too notice that objectivity helps! Especially when I write down the facts of what he has done. Reading it from paper makes it all so much clearer than just having the thoughts in my head.

What do you mean exactly by her feelings being facts?

And no problem, you didn't upset me!

[blooming]

This board has helped a lot ! And what helped me the most was SHARI SCHREIBER. She's god!

Who is she? I've never heard of her!

[Jeffree]

It's only because he doesn't take those steps and I'm too afraid of rejection (because he was the one who broke up with me) to take them, that we aren't back together.

May I ask... .how do you envision a best-case reunion going? Like what does that look like in your mind?

What has helped you to move on and let go?

At this point, I can't see one single good reason at all to get back with her ever again. But if somehow my brain tried to trick me into thinking this would be a reasonable pursuit, all I have to do is remember any of the countless insults and humiliations, having the cops called on me for no reason (the cops for crying out loud!), the $50K in debt she left me, all the emotional abuse to her bio kids and myself, horrendous arguments, the day-to-day misery of walking on eggshells, and that she still deemed it necessary to leave me when I caught her talking up some guy.

I could never imagine being back with her. And she was just in my house celebrating my SS19's birthday last night, and still she was a pathetic weirdo pressing too hard to celebrate the birthday of her son. I couldn't wait for her to leave.

J

[zeus123]

Hi blooming! Google: “gettingbetter.com’s articles”.

[TurbanCowboy]

1) I made mistakes in the relationship for sure, big ones.  I also know the red
Flags and ridiculous behavior was there when she had no reason to be upset with me in the beginning of the relationship.

2) Physical abuse

3) Demonstrated no ability to care about my feelings, made it about herself at the most innapripriate times (holidays, birthdays, weddings, etc)

4) Had an affair when she for 10 years I was buried for even looking at another woman. Countless fights about how I would cheat on her.

5) Genuinely was becoming bored with her, boring conversation.

6) She now hates my family and my family knows too much.  They would not approve of me reconciling with her.

[Lucky Jim]

to me he is still someone I value and miss so very much and I know that if he'd be at my doorstep begging me for another chance I'd take him back right away.

Hey blooming, It seems like you would be interested in a recycle, if that opportunity should present itself.  Is that fair to say?  If so, I wonder what would be different in any such recycle.  Many of us have done it, including me, only to wind up in the same place down the road, except with more pain.  Most BPD relationships, sad to say, are not built to last.  Usually we are doing engaging in idealization when we consider a recycle, without acknowledging the negatives that caused the b/u in the first place.  What makes you think things would play out differently if you decided to give him another chance?

LuckyJim

[Maxpax2011]

This may not work for everyone, as each person with BPD acts differently after a break up. But there were a number of things that helped me start the moving on process, granted I still miss her and I still think about her, but I am able to realize that she was not the one, and I am better off. Researching the illness of BPD all it's symptoms and triggers has helped, understanding how we ended up in a relationship with them has helped, understanding ourselves, I tend to think a lot of us are codependant, and have insecurities, or low self esteem, at least I did, also compassion, caring and empathy which made us easy targets for them. Understanding all those factors does help start the moving on process. Another thing that helped me was seeing how my ex has progressed since our break up, all her impulsive and unstable behavior, watching how she treated other people in her life, friends and family, as I was not the only one who suffered her wrath during the break up. Sometimes not always you see their true form when you break up with them, and if your unlucky enough as I was you see them repeat the same love bombing phase with the next partner, which makes you realize that what you had with them was not only an illusion, but also a very unhealthy relationship. She is a beautiful woman, very charming, very confident, very strong, very sweet and caring, at least that is how she presented herself to me in the beginning. I suffered two terrible relationships before her, and I was dealing with parental alienation from my ex-wife, so I was in a vulnerable state, and when she came along it was like this amazing experience, I thought I truly found my soul mate, I was so in love with her, the intimacy was unlike anything I ever had. Then of course the ugly side came out, and it just got worse until I left. I felt so valued with her, felt like I was a good guy with a lot to offer, and after the break up I realized that it didn't matter to her, how good I was or what I had to offer, she just needed someone, anyone to stay with her. She treated all her past relationships the same, even the guy she is with now, it's all the same. Through therapy I realized I was in love with an illusion, what she truly is, is not the woman I fell in love with, they say BPD people manipulate and mirror you to become your ideal mate, like a soul mate, it is not intentional, but it is one of their behaviors, in order to catch you and keep you, in a healthy relationship the person would be themselves and let love take it's natural course, there would be no deception, no manipulation, you spend months even years learning to fall in love with someone. But with PD people you tend to fall hard, and fast, and when it ends, it's like a part of your soul is ripped out of you, it is truly one of the most painful experiences I have ever felt, I still dream about her, and I never dream about an ex. Honestly if she called me tomorrow and wanted me back, it would be hard to tell her no. The only way to truly let go, is realize what you had was not real, and it was not healthy, and you have to keep telling yourself that, over and over until you are able to convince yourself of it. It's hard to let go, some days I want to contact her, just to hear her voice, but you have to let go. You have to get back to being yourself, we lost ourselves in those relationships, and I look at them like a learning experience, I learned a lot about myself, I learned to be more confident, I learned more self worth, I actually learned what I want out of a relationship, which is to be valued for what I have to offer someone. They would never be able to give that us, because they can't even value themselves. In order to let go, you have to face the fact that it was not a healthy loving relationship, people that love you do not abuse you, people that love you do not crush your spirit or bring you to your knees, because someone with true love for you, a healthy love, would not have the heart to treat you that way.

[araneina]

Forgive me if these are intrusive questions.

Do you want children, blooming?  :)o you envision your ex being a good father to your children?

My ex said to me several times that he wanted to have kids and each time he said it I had an almost visceral reaction.  Each time I would scream "Noo" in my head.  I'm not even sure if I WANT kids, but I knew I would never, ever have them with my ex.  When I start longing for him I remind myself of this particular issue because to me it says that my brain knew with certainty that he was not a good mate for me.  Honestly, I felt this way about 2 months into our relationship.  In retrospect it was really unfair of me to allow the relationship to progress after I had that realization.  He should have the opportunity to be with a woman who wants to have children with him.

What are your long-term goals and dreams regarding a loving relationship?  :)o you see your ex being capable of fulfilling those dreams or contributing to them?

[Speck]

Hello, Blooming.

This is such a great thread/question, and I found myself nodding to what ALL the posters have shared with you regarding what has helped them in letting go.  I would like to contribute as well, so the main reasons I'm letting my uBPDw go are as follows (or rather, I just have to keep the following in mind):


1. My uBPDw abruptly walked away from the relationship four times.  She recycled me three times, and each time, there was no improvement in her behavior.  Further, she point-blank told me that she has no remorse for walking out on me.

2. All couples have disagreements; this is perfectly normal.  However, my uBPDw absolutely cannot have an adult disagreement/discussion about anything; she's very child-like.  No matter how much I poured my heart out to her, she just iced me down or told me to Eff Off.  I saw the Ice Queen Routine a LOT.

3. She refused to go to therapy (IC or MC) and told me that I'm the one who needs to have my head examined; projection.  By the way, I am in individual counseling to help me process and cope with the detaching phase of this relationship, so I guess my uBPDw was right.

4. She has a LONG history of using people to get what she wants.  And... .once our kid reached the age of independence, she walked out on me for good.  My financial usefulness to her is over.  She'll probably try to recycle me again in the future, but on my end, the answer is an emphatic, "No, thank you."

5. The fact that I am convinced that my wife does indeed have an undiagnosed BPD helps me to focus on what I can change/improve in my life... .which, of course, is just me.

These are only 5 of the main reasons... .there's certainly more.


Before I close, something that Maxpax2011 said about his own journey of detaching really resonates with me:

In order to let go, you have to face the fact that it was not a healthy loving relationship, people that love you do not abuse you, people that love you do not crush your spirit or bring you to your knees, because someone with true love for you, a healthy love, would not have the heart to treat you that way.

That's some hard-won wisdom right there.


-Speck