I am afraid that if I leave S15 will be stuck with her

[molarman]

My wife and I have been arguing.  She blames me and I blame her.  She has been to counseling many times but has always quit after a few visits.  We went to marriage counseling and she quit that too.  She has since returned, we are on session 3 but I don't see much participation.  She walks in, tells him how terrible I am then looks out the window and taps her foot.  My oldest son is hers from a previous marriage.  He is 30 with a high school education.  I have raised him since he was 8.  I sent him to private school with every expectation that he would go to college which he never did.  I have now said that he needs to be paying his own bills and he should be out on his own.  Anytime I say anything like that she yells at me that I am mean and resentful.  He is 30 and has made his life choices.  Isnt it time for him to live with those choices?  I am still hoping he will go back to college but he has since discovered that his "real" dad has money so he has started seeing him now (they didn't talk for 25 years).  I know that sounds jealous and I probably am a little but the timing seems odd to me.

Our middle son has asberger's but he is doing really well and is a junior at a 4 year college.

It is the 15 year old that makes me nervous.  he is much like me.  He needs communication and contact.  His mother screams at him.  He comes to me to talk.  He tries to talk to her but she talks more like a therapist then a mother and never gives him any comfort.  He is losing his mind.  I just don't know what to do.  I have him in therapy too and that does seem to help.

I have been told that she is narcisstic.  Anyone with any guidance would be greatly appreciated.  How much is too much?   I am afraid that if I leave he will be stuck with her and it will push him over the edge

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[Mutt]

Hi molarman,



The 30 d sounds like he’s split white and BPD mother will often be enmeshed with the kids, she doesn’t know where she ends and he begins. Ado BPD is a persecution complex a pwBPD believe that their problems are not caused by them they are caused externally ( blame shifting ) when you talk to her about your S30 she’s casting you as persecutor and rescuing him.

S15 is split black a pwBPD can’t see people with both good and qualities at the same time, it’s very confusing to them, you are either all good and all bad and splitting goes back and forth between being split white and split black.

What the main issue with mom and S15?

[Tattered Heart]

Hi molarman

Welcome. I'm so sorry to hear that you are your children have been through so much.

It sounds like marriage T hasn't been very helpful. Have you considered T for just yourself? What does the MC say when she checks out of a T session?

I can imagine the hurt that your son is going through. It's good that he is able to share what's going on in his life and share his feelings with you. Do you often try to fix the problems between his mom and him?

[molarman]

I believe the main issue between mom and S15 is that he is too much like me.  He needs contact, touch, and conversation.  She wants nothing to do with any of this and never has.  When they fight he often ends on the floor of my room crying/screaming that his mother doesn't love him and why not.  This week he got in a fight with some friends on line.   I was trying to calm him down.  She came up screaming at him.  He screamed back that something is wrong with him, he needs help, and he needs to be committed to a hospital.  This is not the first time this has happened.

It is to the point that his therapist has called in family services for an evaluation.  I am not sure what that means really.  I am willing to try anything at this point