Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 02:58:48 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Near or in break-up mode?
What Does it Take to Be in a Relationship
Is Your Relationship Breaking Down?
Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle
Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)
95
Pages: [1] 2 3  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: I will not go back unless she comes to me  (Read 1389 times)
sladezy
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 115


« on: February 14, 2018, 03:09:05 AM »

Hi, first time posting for me but I have been reading the forums here and some are very relatable. Firstly I should probably clarify my partner or ex partner currently is not formally diagnosed with BPD but I see significant similarities to some of these stories and relatable books I've read in the traits that she is showing and her sister who went through the same childhood is formally diagnosed.

My Ex and I share 2 children and we're together for 3 years and breaks up with me at the same time each year, this time being the longest and most damaging. Our youngest is biologically my child and our eldest is not however her biological father is not around at all and I have been in her life since she was 6 months old.

Our relationship is good and function for the most part and out of the blue she doesn't love me. I beg for awhile then give up and she pulls me back in. First time I stopped over to clean the fish tank and see the oldest daughter and she grabbed me at the door and kissed me and said she was feeling much better after 1 online councilling session because I was releaved the ordeal was over I didn't question it. Things got really good after that and along came baby number 2, about 2/3rds of the way through the pregnancy and the same time of the year again, she doesn't love me it's never going to work, the same words and actions as the time before. We were about the get our own place together at this point aswell. Same thing I begged for awhile gave up though fairly distressed and we weren't talking much if at all by then and her mother rang me because they needed help moving her belongings to her new house, after that she was happy to have me around again and things were good again. I officially moved in there after the birth of our child. Time 3 and the current time I've been kicked out of the house and now being forced into Co parenting because it's never going to work, she's never loved me, I'm emotionally abusive, she's been trapped in the relationship all this time. She's refusing to reconcile despite all my efforts, refusing to admit she needs help and will not speak to me about anything if it is not directly about the children.

The signs she shows during these periods are, passive / aggressive, black and white thinking without listening to reason, she thinks in black n white alot but will usually see sense when presented with the facts, impulsive spending, excessive and constant cleaning of everything in the house, plays the victim, refuses to believe recounts that aren't her own.  :)ismisses anything or has a reason for everything that isn't inline with her story. Terrible short term memory and projecting everything at me.

I've been reading and trying to learn different communication methods to better deal with her regarding the children because at the moment I keep getting baited into arguments. I've been trying to implement no contact for awhile just to let things settle and to deal with my own emotions but she will contact me every day or every second day if I ask for space. Usually about nothing at all or trivial things that aren't overly important. I asked her to send correspondence via email but it doesn't happen.

I genuinely love this women and what her and my family unit to be whole, however unrealistic that seems at the present moment. I will not go back unless she comes to me and makes an effort to help herself as I don't want to sent the back n forth example for our children. For now I have no choice but the respect her wishes and get on with it.

Some support and advice would be awesome would be awesome from the community even if this story is recycled and seemingly common.

Ultimately my goals would be
-Protect my own well-being and provide as much stability for the kids as I can.
-Encourage her to seek help both for herself and for the relationship.
-Reunite my family unit.
Logged
PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

pearlsw
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 2801


"Be kind whenever possible, it is always possible"


« Reply #1 on: February 14, 2018, 03:19:08 AM »

Hi sladezy,

Great that you've decided to post and engage the community here! You are right, many of us have a lot in common, but also important differences as well.

I can relate to the pain of dealing with someone with severe black and white thinking and memory issues - that's for sure! Sometimes I would think we could overcome the problems, others I would just throw my hands up in the air and wonder why I must face such overwhelming challenges in life with almost no support.

You say you want her to make an effort to help herself. Is she open to that? Is she aware of BPD?

Please keep posting and engaging other's on their threads too - there are many others in similar situations and they will be along to support!

take care, pearl.
Logged

Walk on a rainbow trail, walk on a trail of song, and all about you will be beauty. There is a way out of every dark mist, over a rainbow trail. - Navajo Song
sladezy
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 115


« Reply #2 on: February 14, 2018, 04:32:56 AM »

Hey pearlsw thanks for getting back to me.

I have expressed my concerns in many ways (some positively and some negativity due to my own frustration). There are a number of responses I recieve for example, I'm making excuses for the relationship breakdown, claims she is fine, even at times outbursts of not having to prove her sanity, while I try to reassure her it is not about a diagnosis or being right or wrong it's about getting help to set a good example for the children. Last time I suggested it I got sworn at repetitively. I guess Ive pressed for too long and she's sick of it now. Once she asked me to present her with examples of my concerns but she had closed off illogical responses and reasons for all of them invalidating everything I'd said. I've backed right off now to hopefully let things cool down and hopefully she will in time cool down or want to reconcile. I don't think I will pursue her again unless she takes that step as much as it hurts to admit I have to respect her decision and feelings as they are.

Logged
JoeBPD81
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 709



WWW
« Reply #3 on: February 14, 2018, 05:19:49 AM »

Hi sladezy Welcome

I'm sorry to hear about your pain and the frustration and worry about your kids. Unfortunately, we are all in the same boat. At least, we get it.

I hear "we are done" more often than "good morning". For me it's every 10-30 days, but we can't live appart unless she gets a job or someone else to selter them. So we avoid each other for a while, and maybe she comes back, or certain closeness is restored. I should think: She doesn't mean it, you'll see in 3 days. But everytime it feels real. 

You case sounds like a much more regular cycle. What would you say triggers this? What happens once a year around that time?

You can't ask her to go to therapy when the disregulation is on.  I hope you have a chance when the reconciliation is in progress. She must be suffering when she pushes you away, it would be good if you get her to talk about that. When she admits to have pain (emotional pain), you can pitch therapy as "you deserve it" instead of "you need it".

You sound like a really nice person. I hope she comes around.

Have you read any books on this?

What do you think it was the key for her to want you back the other 2 times?
Logged

We are in this together.
sladezy
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 115


« Reply #4 on: February 14, 2018, 05:44:55 AM »

Hey JoeBPD81 thanks for sharing, you situation sounds like a recurring nightmare :s I'm sorry to hear that.

It's hard to say what happens at this time of year, it seems to be around the time her father will visit or she's visits him. He did live on the other side of the country but now lives in another county. Alternate to that I would say a step up or milestone in the relationship, moving in together, having a child and we were about to buy a house this time. It seemed like university breaks were always worse times too and while she was off university with the baby there were no issues.

I've read stop walking on eggshells which was recommended to me by a councillor and lots of websites surrounding the issues and relationships and parenting.
Logged
sladezy
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 115


« Reply #5 on: February 14, 2018, 08:47:35 PM »

I'm probably kidding myself saying I won't try contact again if she doesn't come back to me on her own accord but for now I have to stay focused on that idea.
Logged
sladezy
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 115


« Reply #6 on: February 17, 2018, 05:15:19 PM »

I'm also getting no support from her family or friends. Some family believe something is wrong but aren't prepared to say / do anything or even acknowledge my real concerns. The grandmother who likely has something going on aswell is more concerned with herself not getting sleepovers with the kids.
Logged
lighthouse9
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 298



« Reply #7 on: February 17, 2018, 05:28:19 PM »

Hey Sladezy,

How are you doing? How's the "focus" going? I'm struggling, too, to not reach out at times.

The family and friends thing is tough - it sounds like you've tried to reach out, how did that go? Does she know you're reaching out? You said that some believe something is wrong but aren't prepared to say or do anything. What would you like to see from them?

Good luck with this - we all know it's so hard!

-L
Logged

sladezy
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 115


« Reply #8 on: February 19, 2018, 03:29:36 AM »

Hey lighthouse9,

I seem to be moving forward with my life and getting my focus back at work but at the same time there is still a lingering longing for her to contact me and be remorseful.

Some of her family agree something is not right but say I have to except it. None have questioned her motive or suggested other solutions to her to my knowledge and say it's just how it is. Her friends aren't that close to her 1 is newer that our relationship and the other is an old school friend, both say she seems fine.

Logged
lighthouse9
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 298



« Reply #9 on: February 19, 2018, 03:01:41 PM »

Hey Sladezy,

I hear you. I'm in a similar place - doing what I need to do but the longing is definitely there. What does moving forward with your life look like? Any hobbies or anything you're looking forward to?

I hate the "it's just how it is" with family. It's been such hard work for me to try to check my enabling tendencies, especially when I know that enabling might be the only way I get to have a relationship with her. If I want to be close, I have to play her game and "expect it" as you put it. I refuse, because I also know that not enabling her is the best thing for both of us - whether together or not. However, nothing is going to change unless other people in her life stop the enabling, too. It's crazy making, as my therapist would say.

What does progress look like for you? Can you make that progress without her family and friends on board?

Good luck,

-L
Logged

anon156

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 20


« Reply #10 on: February 19, 2018, 04:23:23 PM »

Hey lighthouse9,

I seem to be moving forward with my life and getting my focus back at work but at the same time there is still a lingering longing for her to contact me and be remorseful.

Some of her family agree something is not right but say I have to except it. None have questioned her motive or suggested other solutions to her to my knowledge and say it's just how it is. Her friends aren't that close to her 1 is newer that our relationship and the other is an old school friend, both say she seems fine.



know how you feel about the longing too, even though me and my partner dont have children i have been though it many times

be strong
Logged
sladezy
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 115


« Reply #11 on: February 20, 2018, 04:50:34 AM »

lighthouse9,

Moving forward for me looks like, focusing on my job and the kids and studying in my little free time I have now. I've been reading and walking the dog of an afternoon. I was into mountain bike riding but I have a lower back / leg pain preventing me from doing that lately not that I would have the time anyway.

Progress for the situation for me what be her acknowledging there is an issue and that I am not it and seeking the right types of help to resolve the issues we have. Right now she wont talk to me unless it's about the kids. When she drops the kids off she let's herself in uninvited and usually overstay her minimal welcoming.
Logged
lighthouse9
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 298



« Reply #12 on: February 20, 2018, 05:29:48 AM »

Hey Sladezy,

We're in similar places it sounds like. I've been trying to focus more at work and spend less time strategizing how to navigate this situation or learn about BPD/how to support her. I used to mountain bike, too, and would love to get back into it- but alas, similar issue, I have some injuries that will make that tough. I'm getting back into writing music and writing in general. The creative outlets are good distractions and sometimes they even help me take this "thing" I'm in, hold it out in front of me, and look at it from a different angle. I'm still waking up and wondering how the hell things got to this place so quickly. I'm really glad you're finding some of your own moving forward. I keep reminding myself that it's a testament to my own mental health that I can even consider a "forward," no matter how badly I want to sit on the ground and just give in sometimes.

Your notion of progress sounds absolutely rational, and again, I have a similar definition. Are there boundaries that you can put in place that show what you're not willing to negotiate on, like entertaining that you're the issue? I get that will all have a role in relationships, but sometimes when I hear my W talk about me as the issue all I can hear is projection, so then I wonder at a certain point why I even let myself entertain these conversations anymore, especially since I've done enough validation and support. I am lucky that she recently got into DBT and acknowledges an issue, but now she's swinging the other direction - the victim direction. She has big issues according to her now, and she has no control and this is just who she is and I'm just a "person in her life" because she's unable to feel what people are supposed to feel, therefore don't expect anything from her. I'm not sure I would call this progress. Thus, my real task lately has been trying to figure out what kind of progress I could really count on... .and unfortunately I'm banging my head against the wall when I try to include her on any of those versions of progress.

What would happen if you played by her rules to only talk if its just about the kids, and maybe didn't even let her in the house or found ways to minimize the time she spends there?
Logged

JoeBPD81
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 709



WWW
« Reply #13 on: February 22, 2018, 04:41:27 AM »

How are you both doing today Sladezy and lighthouse9?

I'm glad you found each other, it doesn't happen as often as we'd like, that members that are in a similar place find each other to share their experience and be stronger together.

Thinking you are alone and that no one understands what you are going through is one of the worst parts of this, and loging into bpdfamily helps you realize you are not alone, there are literaly thousands of people in similar places.

Take care and I hope I hear from you.
Logged

We are in this together.
lighthouse9
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 298



« Reply #14 on: February 22, 2018, 08:40:54 AM »

Hey Joe,

Yes - I'll echo what you said, it's great to find people in a similar place, though I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

Without violating patient privacy entirely, my therapist made some remarks yesterday to suggest that my wife might be lying to me about seeing a DBT therapist in the same practice. I wouldn't be surprised, either. The voracity of her lies make it hard to find anything that feels true. I was hopeful, given that she said she was going to this place and recognized the need for DBT. But, it would be 100% possible for her to lie about it and she hasn't given me much to go on, while asking that I respect her privacy and not ask about counseling. If it's true that she's made this up, it just takes the sickness to a whole new level. Lying about an affair is pretty typical affair behavior. Lying about going to DBT because you recognize your borderline traits and want to turn things around - that just feels really sad and hopeless.

So, when people ask me how I'm doing right now, my response is "strapped in, locked and loaded." She leaves soon for a 6 week training and I expect severe dysregulation and no divorce papers before then, aka more uncertainty. So, given that I'm not ready to file for divorce myself yet, I'm strapped in, locked and loaded. Sometimes I feel like all we can do is weather the storm.

If she's lying about counseling, then there is no progress to be had right now. Once she leaves town, I expect to take the head space to figure out my next steps. Until then, I punt. What else (besides full no contact) can you do with a person who can tell you they see all their problems and need help, but then don't follow through? Sometimes no action is the only good action.

How are you Sladezy?
Logged

JoeBPD81
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 709



WWW
« Reply #15 on: February 23, 2018, 02:04:01 AM »

Thanks for the update, I'm sorry to her she's lying about Therapy, as you said, it is sad. What frustrates me most is the amount of effort that we spend in letting them know we are not enemies. If she has a problem with the therapy, she could tell you, and you would be understanding.

I really get you when you say that you feel that sometimes we can only weather the storm.  I get surprised often, that I think I'm gonna get a lecture for not paying her attention, and when I've been doing my own things, she's much calmer.

6 weeks alone can help you make sense of your own thoughts and desires.

DBT is very hard on them, they 25% love it / 75% hate it. It's about facing their fears. Forcing themselves to learn how to do things they've been avoiding all their life.

Imagine you are terrified of spiders. To get what you want, you need a 10 seconds walk through a street full of spiders. They assure you, they don't bite. To avoid that street, ang get to your goal, you need to do a longer route of 2 hours, with many posibilitis of getting lost in the way and not reaching your goal. All your life you've taken that 2nd route, and you've lost your goal many times. DBT is training to go through the spiders.

After you've gone 100 times and no one bit you, you know you can take that route. But the first 99 times, is still terrifying, and you can't trust the person who is telling you it's OK.

We can understand that. If only they'd tell us, instead of lying (or blaming, or leaving... .).

Can you face this break with a positive spirit? 6 weeks no drama, sound awesome to me.

I hope the sun will come up after this storm. Best of luck.
Logged

We are in this together.
lighthouse9
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 298



« Reply #16 on: February 23, 2018, 07:07:51 AM »

Thanks Joe! I'm going to split this one off for a thread of my own into the conflicting board, since I'm in much more of a conflicted place right now.

Sladezy, how are you doing? Any progress, or has the definition of progress changed for you at all?
Logged

sladezy
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 115


« Reply #17 on: February 25, 2018, 05:27:23 AM »

Hey lighthouse9,

Sorry for the radio silence, if been busy with work and the kids over the last week. Nothing has changed really but I'm just pushing through. I did try to talk to her once but it wasn't at all productive. I've switch back abit from longing to anger or disdain lately so haven't had her on my mind as much but I'm sure that will likely change again before long. How's things going with you.
Logged
sladezy
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 115


« Reply #18 on: February 26, 2018, 02:58:13 AM »

Today started by telling me she's filing for child support, even though I have the kids the majority of the time.
Logged
JoeBPD81
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 709



WWW
« Reply #19 on: February 26, 2018, 03:28:56 AM »

Hi sladezy,

I'm sorry things are going south. We try to do our best, but no one can ask us to be perfect. We fail, we are less than centered and focused and regulated... .So we gather ourselves and we try to do it better the next time. We take in a lot, so getting frustrated and angry is completely understandable.

Having said that, we can't expect others to be the grown up in the relationship, we have to be, if we want to make it work. Not fair, but we can only change ourselves. I'm not saying you have to change somehting in particular. I just want to encourage you to stand up, and keep fighting for what you want. It is a lonely and unfair job, when we don't have support from the person we love. So we have to support ourselves.

Sometimes quaterbacks throw an interception due to bad luck or to a very good defensive play. It's not their fault. It is unfair... .But it is needed for them and the team that they forgive themselves quickly, and also that they take charge of the next play immediately. That's the spirit.

Maybe you need to post in the legal board for some advice about the situation. Is she actually filling something, or is she thinking about doing it?

Good luck, and take care of yourself and the kids.
Logged

We are in this together.
sladezy
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 115


« Reply #20 on: February 28, 2018, 05:43:47 AM »

Hey JoeBPD81,

Thanks for the words, I follow what you're saying. The more I read the more I see ways to help the situation but ultimately I am only 50% of the equation and I've found nothing to help me deal with the resistance I'm being met with from her. Which in turn leads back to frustration and anger. Her behaviour is getting to the point now where it's actually getting easier to handle getting over her, however still not what I would like ultimately. I dont feel like I have any other choice because it takes two to tango. I'm remaining patient but I don't contact her unless she contacts me (9 times out of 10 anyway) n it usually ends poorly. Communication just doesn't work. I feel like I need her to take a step towards me for a change but either admitting she has a things she needs to work on or that she does want to atleast try to save the relationship and without that I feel like nothing will change.
Logged
JoeBPD81
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 709



WWW
« Reply #21 on: February 28, 2018, 07:19:45 AM »

Hey JoeBPD81,

Thanks for the words, I follow what you're saying. The more I read the more I see ways to help the situation but ultimately I am only 50% of the equation and I've found nothing to help me deal with the resistance I'm being met with from her. Which in turn leads back to frustration and anger. Her behaviour is getting to the point now where it's actually getting easier to handle getting over her, however still not what I would like ultimately. I dont feel like I have any other choice because it takes two to tango. I'm remaining patient but I don't contact her unless she contacts me (9 times out of 10 anyway) n it usually ends poorly. Communication just doesn't work. I feel like I need her to take a step towards me for a change but either admitting she has a things she needs to work on or that she does want to at least try to save the relationship and without that I feel like nothing will change.

I have those exact thoughts and feelings all the time. There is nothing more frustrating than trying to help (or get close to) someone that is fighting against you. Not only not helping, but fighting your help. We all well know that feeling.

It feels incredibly lonely when you don't have hope that she would take that step, that she just doesn't do that. It really sucks.

And still, if we drop the ball, we lose 50% of our chance to have what we want. Don't we?

You can't fight the frustration and anger by fixing this. You can fight the frustration and anger by attacking the frustration and anger. With things that have nothing to do with her. Wether you go back with her or not, you are stuck with yourself for the rest of your life. So you need to work on yourself, on doing nice things for yourself, on being able to reach a state of mind where you are at your best. You want to fix step 3, but first you need to focus on step 1.

You would agree that your frustration and anger are easier foes than the fixing of your relationship.

This helps me cope, not only with things related to BPD. We always think about happyness in the future: When I get this, if I get that... .Life is today, and we can only be happy in the present, today. But we need to chose to work to be happy in the moment, or the happiest, given the circumstances.

What's keeping me from being OK right now? Stress? Then I do something to tackle that, even one minute of breathing exercises. Worry? Then I'm giving myself permision to distract me for a while... .

We can regulate our emotions, not easy, but we can. It will help us to deal with people that can't.

Look, I'm giving you "tough love", and telling you to take control and do things. But don't take me wrong, I know how hard it is, I'm often drowned in my own problems, and they paralize me, and I don't feel like doing anything, or having any hope. I wish you didn't have to work to get it and you got the affection and companionship we all deserve.
Logged

We are in this together.
sladezy
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 115


« Reply #22 on: March 01, 2018, 04:20:38 AM »

Hey Joe,

I follow what you are saying and I'm doing all that and seeing slow results. The frustrating part is that doing that doesn't seem to address any real issues, infact it just further distances the issues all together. Your thoughts?
Logged
JoeBPD81
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 709



WWW
« Reply #23 on: March 02, 2018, 02:16:26 AM »

Hi,
in what way it distances the issues?

There are times when rushing things might help... .But it usually makes things worse. It takes time. And it is confusing because the progress is not lineal, but bumpy. There are moments when we feel we've never been worse, and it is hard to look at the big picture outside that moment.

If and when you know you can do something that it's going to help, go for it! I'm not saying stay away and isolate. I'm saying when you don't know what to do, working on yourself always helps you be ready for your next action.

When we say we can only change ourselves, it doesn't mean that when we change, she's gonna change too, and everything will be OK. It means that we have to accept she might not change at all, or her changes are not predictable to us. She has her own journey. We can work on our 50% and see results in ourselves, or we can build a Tag Majal in the yard and see her ignoring it, and feel frustrated and angry.

When you get frustrated and angry with her, does that help with the issues? More often than not, it makes them worse. So it pays, with time, to be able to remain calm, and focused. For me, arguments that lasted 3 days, when I played my part in the arguing, now are an hour of bad vibe. Maybe I'm 3 hours later still worried and a bit angry thinking in circles... .But when I can think, I know it's much better than those 3-day arguments we used to have. It's better for me, and it's better for her.

I wish I could say, "do this and tomorrow everything will be OK", but this is a marathon, not a sprint.

In the end, even if her path takes her away from you. The work you have done on yourself won't be lost.

For now, you want her back. I want you to be/feel better, so you are ready to fight for her, and the relationship, without falling in the same circles you used to fall in the past. Does it make sense?

How's the situation now?
Logged

We are in this together.
lighthouse9
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 298



« Reply #24 on: March 02, 2018, 07:02:51 AM »

Hey Sladezy,

I've been MIA on this thread - apologies - but I wanted to jump in and echo some of what JoeBPD is saying:


When we say we can only change ourselves, it doesn't mean that when we change, she's gonna change too, and everything will be OK. It means that we have to accept she might not change at all, or her changes are not predictable to us. She has her own journey. We can work on our 50% and see results in ourselves, or we can build a Tag Majal in the yard and see her ignoring it, and feel frustrated and angry.



I've been trying to take this kind of advice to heart lately, as brutal as it feels at times, but I'm realizing that the more brutal reality is trying to control any situation with my STBX beyond controlling my own behaviors and reactions. I've been working with a coach that's been helping me to consider the space between stimulus and response to see if I can lengthen it with my STBX. Sometimes, that means physically walking away from a conversation and taking a time out. Sometimes it literally means cueing myself with the word "pause" or "breathe" before responding to something. Mostly though, it's meant spending a lot of time thinking about my values and my character, and what kind of person I want to be in this process. The more I think about those things, the more I can then think about what a person with these kinds of values would do in the kinds of situations I've found myself in lately. What would a loving person do? What would a clear-headed person do? What would a strong person do? A person with integrity? The more I map these things out for myself, the more I can see myself being that person again. Then, it becomes easier to think about that space between stimulus and response.

Remember that people with BPD tend to mirror us - so while we can't expect them to change, we can lead the way to change by going there ourselves, and invite them along without expectation. If they don't follow, then we have to work through the grief, and hey, not for nothing, but at least we CAN work through hard emotions. At least we can hold conflicting, paradoxical emotions within ourselves at the same time without completely losing ourselves. For me, this looks like the following: I love you, I am so sad to see this end, I feel like I would do ANYTHING to rescue us from this - AND I respect you, I respect myself, I will not be a victim to impulsivity, dissociation, avoidance, infidelity, or dishonesty - nor will I give you opportunities to make me a victim.

It sucks to sit with both of those things at once - but boundaries aren't easy (I feel like we don't say that enough). Boundaries always come with the risk that something we want won't want us or be accessible to us once we put the boundaries in place. But, in those moments, we have to remember why they exist.

What are some of the conflicting, paradoxical things you're trying to hold on to at once? Is there any strength you can find in your ability to hold on to both, or any boundaries that can help you either hold on to both or let go of something?

Wishing you all the best, be gentle with yourself,

-L
Logged

sladezy
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 115


« Reply #25 on: March 05, 2018, 10:51:09 PM »

Hey guys, thanks for the words. Been really struggling with any kind of response. Just gone blank all over. Don't know what's right n wrong anymore and just blah. Hope drifts further n further all the time.
Logged
JoeBPD81
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 709



WWW
« Reply #26 on: March 06, 2018, 06:56:30 AM »

How are you holding up today?

I've been feeling low on energy, and posting was a big effort, I know what you mean, and I'm sorry.

We are still here, and we are rooting for you.
Logged

We are in this together.
lighthouse9
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 298



« Reply #27 on: March 06, 2018, 07:55:05 AM »

Agreed - low energy as well. Definitely cheering you on though and here when you have the energy to post.
Logged

sladezy
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 115


« Reply #28 on: March 10, 2018, 03:49:50 PM »

Hi guys,

So much has been going on its probably useless trying to spell it all out in a recount. Everything is an argument because I'm standing my ground when she wants things her way. That makes me an assemble and I'm being difficult. She's filed for child support, has an account on tinder and about 10 new friends on Facebook with single guys posting comments on her Facebook. This could mean she's looking or sleeping around but I can't confirm that. She's not keeping the kids in their routine when she has them (naps etc) and they are always sick or have a runny nose when I get them back. She can't pack their bags for daycare with the things I pack them to go to daycare in, shoes, hats, drink bottles etc. I'm having to rebuy atleast one item a week then the opposite things come back the next week. I ask rather frustrated that she pack the things every week but it doesn't change. It's been happening for 6 weeks. I know sometimes my reactions are still having a negative effect but it's really hate to play it cool when I almost feel compelled to knock her out(I wouldn't act on this and I'm venting but that's what it feels like). Even communication with her mother is starting to breakdown because when I get honest with her she lashes out at me we stupid claims of things I'm not even doing.

I'm finding it hard separating the person from the illness without being invalidating of her feelings. I'm struggling with putting boundaries in place without being an ass for it and my requests to have no contact aren't being respected. I wrote her a message spelling out why I don't want to communicate and how I intend for it to be a permanent thing until such times as she takes responsibly for herself and seeks help. I didn't expect her to reply but instead I was told she doesn't understand and then got attacked for other unrelated things.

Through all this she has remained adiment she no longer wants to work on our relationship because there is nothing there but she agreed in anger numerous times she would do "group therapy" as she calls it with me because she thinks it's what I need to get passed all of this but that in no way means she intends on resolving the issues. I've never acted on booking the therapy since I feel like she will just stonewall or I'll just be paying money to have an argument again. I feel like it will just be another emotionally draining exercise with very little outcome. Do you guys think I should take a chance on this and see what happens but go in there well prepared with things written out so that I don't lose track of the topics. Keeping in mind we did do one couples councilling and she was considering things differently then after one solo session she was closed off again. 

Aside from all this I am doing alot better with pushing on in my own life but I do get very little to no time to myself between work, kids and study until my course is finished hopefully in a few months. There is a constant empty feeling within me because of all this and that makes everything hard. I feel as though at some point if this situation doesn't get better it's going to be the death of me. I'm tied to this women now through our kids and unless I learn to cope it's just going to be one drama after another. Hope you guys are going alright sorry it's been awhile between checking in.
Logged
lighthouse9
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 298



« Reply #29 on: March 10, 2018, 06:04:23 PM »

Hey Sladezy,

It sounds like she's making your life hell. I'm so sorry. You're absolutely doing the right thing for your kids right now.

Where are you at in terms of your desires for reconciliation? Counseling could help temporarily, but if she's not willing to face her own issues then I'm not very hopeful that couples counseling will do much. My STBX and I did couples counseling, and she lied the whole time (found out later), and then she revealed to me that our couples therapist was "too easy to manipulate." That sure made me feel good about the work we were supposedly doing together. Has she ever expressed any interest in her own counseling?

Have you talked to a lawyer and are you documenting things? It sounds like she wants to fight dirty, and if you haven't already, then it's definitely time to outline your priorities and goals with a lawyer. Are there any ways to take things off your plate? Can you withdraw from a class or anything, or would that make things worse for you?

I'm glad to hear you are standing your ground. Have you tried any of the communication tools or conflict resolution tools on this site? Do they help at all? My STBX calmed down dramatically when I found ways to validate the valid with her, and I could usually get her into a better place to negotiate in order to get some things in writing. I imagine that everything feels invalidating and threatening to her right now, whether that's reality based or not. Is there anything you can do (as much as it sucks) to ease conflict when it arises?

I hear you on the empty feeling. I feel like every morning I wake up and I'm just sucker punched with the reality that nothing is as it was and never will be that way again. I can't open my eyes in the morning without immediately facing this devastating reality and I can't escape it. It's worse now, since I'm spending every moment not at work packing the house and handling logistics related to my pending move. The anger is coming in slowly for me, or at least supreme disappointment. I haven't heard from her since she left town for training for 6 weeks, she didn't say goodbye before she left, and it's clear that she's just cut and run. I'm left packing up a 3 bedroom house by myself for an interstate move that is costing me a ton and she's off starting over with whatever new persona she's decided to mirror this time. It makes me sick to my stomach and I can't wait to wake up somewhere else. The only thing getting me through right now is the reminder that only by going through this will I one day distance myself from it. Only by pushing forward and being brave, even when I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me the second I wake up, will I carve out a new reality.

Keep pushing friend. It absolutely freaking sucks and there are no easy answers or moments. Distract yourself when you can (there's nothing wrong with distraction, I'm learning), and keep showing those kids of yours how much they deserve love in all the ways you can show it. We're all here for you and get it.

-L
Logged

Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1] 2 3  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!