Don’t Know What to Do Next

[Mustbeabetterway]

It’s been 10 days since I was forced out of my house by my uBPDh.  Yesterday, he texted and apologized.  I waited several hours to respond.  I wasn’t sure what to say, so I just said I appreciate the apology.  Today, he called and I answered.  He wanted to know if I would go to lunch with him.  I said no.   He says he doesn’t remember what happened the night he locked me out of the house.  He told me the dog is depressed and is moping around without me.  All of this makes me incredibly sad.

I am staying with my daughter and family.  I really don’t want to be alone right now.  I’m feeling vulnerable.  I am not getting back together with my husband because things would eventually end up here again.  I’m not putting myself through this again.

Any suggestions to help over this rough period?

[valet]

I'm really sorry about your situation, Mustbeabetterway.

I think it's good that you're staying with family. That makes two positive things to think about (away from the chaos; surrounded by people that love you).

Take each day as it comes. You'll have both good and bad moments. Post here when you need to. Talk it out with the trusted people around you.

And don't forget, you're not alone. 

[Speck]

 

It sounds like you have been on the receiving end of some really crappy treatment.  I'm sorry you're going through this, although, I am very glad to hear that you have a local support network (daughter and family) to stay with during this time.

Any suggestions to help over this rough period?

Sometimes in a crisis, it's best to just focus on the next right step.  So, if you're able:

• *hash out your feelings with trusted individuals
  *go on "thinking walks" to clear your head
  *get plenty of sleep
  *make a point to stretch every day
  *avoid alcohol
  *drop by here to soak in the support
  *keep writing if it helps

Do you have access to a counselor?  If not, that could also be a good next right step.

Let us know how you're doing/feeling.  We're listening.


-Speck

[Mustbeabetterway]

Thanks, Valet.  It helps much to know I am not alone.  I appreciate the support.  It has been nice spending time with my family and especially my granddaughter.

Speck, thanks for the suggestions.  I am trying to take care of myself.  I hesitated to post, but I am glad that I did.  It feels good to know that others are listening.

Mustbe

[Speck]

I hesitated to post, but I am glad that I did.

I'm so glad you did.  For now, I see that you are nestled in the bosom of family, and I'm sure that is so comforting.  But, if that changes for you, just know that you are not alone. You can reach out here at any time to process your feelings.

It feels good to know that others are listening.

Yes. It's like a 24/7/365 anonymous diary that never sleeps... .and talks back!


-Speck

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Mustbe, I agree that you're doing the right thing by staying with family and keeping up your boundaries.  You need time apart from your H, I suggest, in order to let the water clear.  Concerning what to do next, I suggest that you focus on yourself: treat yourself with care and compassion, as you would a good friend.  Work on learning to love and accept yourself, just the way you are, which sounds easy but is actually pretty hard for us Nons.  Listen to your gut feelings and strive to be authentic.  You can do it!

LuckyJim

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi Mustbeabetterway,

I am so sorry you are going through this. It definitely sounds like you have received some harsh and damaging treatment. When something like that happens, all sorts of emotions seem to rise up simultaneously. I agree that it is good that you are with family. Isolation is not good in these type situations.
Posting here has been a great benefit to me. It IS like an anonymous diary that talks back! Luckily, the people that talk back here have experienced all sorts of scenarios and r/s crises, and I have found the advice and support here to be invaluable.
You are definitely not alone. I remember the first, lost, desperate post I made. Just seeing that someone actually replied made me feel like I had been thrown a lifeline.

My heart goes out to you. My only advice at this time is to take baby steps- take the day moment by moment if you have to. I find that if I get too far into "the future" and "what's going to happen" I get extremely overwhelmed emotionally, which is exhausting.

Best wishes and good luck to you,

Redeemed

[Mustbeabetterway]

An update to my post - earlier this week, I let my husband know that I wanted to stop by our home and pick up mail, along with some other of my personal things that need to be moved.  So I did that this afternoon.

He was there and everything started out cordially.  But, after just a little of us speaking about what needed to be done to sell the house, he became agitated.  He restated, as he has many times before, that he was not going to do everything himself to get the house ready to sell.  Although, whenever I try to ask him about meeting with the contractor, or putting in a new video doorbell that I bought probably six months ago, he complains that I am pushing him or jumping in and taking things over.  That’s his MO - set up a no win.  There was more complaining, blaming, etc on his part, but I just went about my business calmly.

Even though several weeks ago, he pushed and grabbed me, and threw me out of the house, and threatened me.  Now he claims he was taking some pills and doesn’t remember that night.  All the more reason not to stick around.

I feel good, actually awesome, that he didn’t manage to engage me in an argument.  Instead of jumping into the fray, I felt capable of observing the dynamic.  I loaded up a lot of things.  Cleaned out a closet and threw things away.  The fewer of my things that remain there, the less there is to tie me to him.


He asked if he worked on himself, would I consider getting back together.  I cannot see that happening, as I cannot depend on him being reasonable, therefore I do not feel safe and I can’t live like that.  That’s what I told him.

It’s sad, because I so wanted things to be different- a happy ending.  But, it’s not to be.  I wanted to always be there for him and help make up for his difficult upbringing.  But, after all of these years of trying, our relationship has deteriorated into something extremely troublesome.  Obviously, I can’t save him from his demons, but I can save myself.  Saving myself has become my focus.

I did get to spend some time with my dog!  One other good thing about today.

[Speck]

Good to hear back from you, Mustbeabetterway!

From the sound of things, it appears that you are, indeed, finding a better way.  I am buoyed by the tone of your update, and I see that as a result of some hard-won reflection going on.

I feel good, actually awesome, that he didn’t manage to engage me in an argument.

You were wise to just stay neutral with your husband and not have him pull you into a squabble over his issues. Doing so, allowed you to just stay focused on YOUR needs, which were to be able to collect your things and see your dog. Well, done.

He asked if he worked on himself, would I consider getting back together. I cannot see that happening, as I cannot depend on him being reasonable, therefore I do not feel safe and I can’t live like that.  That’s what I told him.

Also, well done.  He needs to know your position on the matter, and you have been able to voice it.  I'm glad you had the opportunity to do so.

It’s sad, because I so wanted things to be different- a happy ending.  But, it’s not to be.

I hear that and understand how difficult it is to reconcile wishes from reality.

Obviously, I can’t save him from his demons, but I can save myself.

Absolutely.

Saving myself has become my focus.

I really want to commend you for this act of self-love. One step at a time. You're on your way.


We are so glad you are here with us and look forward to reading more of your story if you can think of anything else you need to share. We're always open! Hang in there.


-Speck

[Mustbeabetterway]

Ok, I need to strengthen my resolve to take care of myself.  Now, my uBPDh is texting and saying that we can live apart, but he doesn’t want a divorce.  He wants to work on himself.  He hopes that we can see each other in the future.

We have been together basically a lifetime, but I have more time behind me than in front of me now.  I don’t want to spend what is left of my time arguing and worrying, waiting for the next shoe to drop.

Seriously, I just want to shake myself and keep remembering how bad it was just several weeks ago.

I have in the past always given in to apologies and promises to do better.  I need to care more about myself and not go for a reconciliation.  I need to detach and stay detached. 

I am committed to being apart.  I just need to stay that way.

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, Mustbe,

It sounds like you are getting clarity as to the right path for you, which I view as a good sign.  It also sounds like you are putting yourself first for a change, which also speaks to self-love and self-acceptance.  Many on these Boards fear the unknown, with good reason, yet I'm here to remind you that the unknown is also where greater happiness can be found.  Keep us posted, when you can.

LuckyJim

[Speck]

Hello, again, Mustbeabetterway!

He wants to work on himself.

That's great... .for HIM.

He hopes that we can see each other in the future.

I'm sure that he does.

I don’t want to spend what is left of my time arguing and worrying, waiting for the next shoe to drop. Seriously, I just want to shake myself and keep remembering how bad it was just several weeks ago.

I hear you, believe you, and know that how you feel about it is true for you. When our pwBPD begs us to stay, or come back, or try again, it's hard to have the resolve to push through to the other side of wellness.

I need to care more about myself and not go for a reconciliation. I need to detach and stay detached. I am committed to being apart.  I just need to stay that way.

Again, I hear you. All brave feelings, thoughts, and wishes. It also seems that you have taken some actionable steps towards this direction to make it a new reality for you. I just wanted to pop in to cheer you on in that regard, as that is what you are saying you need - you are committed to being apart.

Hang in there. If you have a weak moment, remember the tough times, or tune in here. Someone here is always willing to listen.


-Speck

[Mustbeabetterway]

Yes, Speck it is hard to have the resolve to push through to wellness. Lucky Jim, I hope you are right that happiness can be found on the other side of this.  Thanks to you both for your support and replies.

This evening I had dinner with some good friends.  Right before dinner,  I get a text from my husband asking if I hate him.  I texted “In spite of everything, I do not hate you”. I was hoping that would be the end of it.  But then he texts to call him.  I said having dinner with friends.  He says please call me after.

So on my way back to my daughter’s home after dinner, I give him a call.  Guess what, he takes issue with me saying “In spite of everything”. In other words, the mistreatment and abusive behavior really didn’t count for anything in his mind.  He wants to know exactly what I mean by “in spite of everything”.

He is feeling alone, and worried about the future, so he is asking if it is totally over between us.  I should have just said yes it is.  But, I am outraged that he would lock me out of the house, pushing me out the door and threatening me if I came back and now act as if it didn’t happen or as if I am overreacting and then ask me if it is over.  To me that is craziness.

Even at this time, I can hear in his voice an edginess.  He is angry with me,   I can tell, although he is trying to play it cool.

It will be very difficult for me, but better for me to not talk or text him.  This has been traumatic for me, I need time and space to heal.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi Mustbe,
Thank you for your kind and encouraging words in reply to my posts. You are in your own difficult situation now, and I appreciate you taking the time to help build me up. I can relate so much to what you are feeling. Not too long ago I made a post entitled "resolve is cracking." I have fallen back into the pattern of dysfunction so many times. I know that this time I want to get off the merry-go-round. It never takes me anywhere but back around in a circle, right back to the place where I feel so low and foolish for allowing myself to be treated in such a manner... .again.
You are bound to feel some conflicted feelings. Try to keep in mind that your responsibility is for your well-being, not his. It is difficult to see sometimes where we end and the other person begins-but there is a difference, and that is the basics of how boundaries are defined.
I have started a daily reading plan adapted from the book BOUNDARIES by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It basically describes how knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom and opens up many different options for me. However, if I don't "own" my life, then I am limited. Sometimes family or other relationships confuse people about what our "parameters" are. We are not responsible for others, only ourselves. We can reach out and help someone do what he cannot do for himself. We should not do something for someone if he can do it himself but isn't willing. We also are responsible for teaching others how to treat us (or teaching them that they are not allowed to treat us badly.)
It sounds like you know what the healthy, good choice is for you. Try not to get too far ahead into the future. That may be hard, but focus as much as you can on the next few moments or hours ahead. Do the next right thing in front of you. That means the right thing for you.

Something that always helped me in the AA meetings was to think of staying sober 24 hours at a time. Early sobriety is a perilous time, and many alcoholics/addicts get overwhelmed and relapse. Breaking the weeks and months up into 24-hour segments makes it manageable. It decreases stress, pressure and anxiety. I have applied that same principle to the aftermath of the r/s with uBPDh. It does help. I know that I can take care of S2 and myself for the next 24 hours, and then I do it again. Sometimes I forget, but I post on here and I get back to baseline. Then on to the next 24 hours.

I know you want to have a better quality of life than what you were living. That may mean having to make some tough choices, but in the end, you are the only one who can do what is best for you. It's okay to love yourself enough to do it.

Take care, Mustbe.
Blessings and peace,

Redeemed

[spero]

Dear Mustbe,

I'm sorry for your current predicament and the way things are panning out for you. It must feel like an ever exhausting up hill climb. When you think you've reached a plateau on the mountain, as if some magical ability, the land you stand on shrinks and makes you ascend further. It's like "hey, who shifted the silly goal post."

He was there and everything started out cordially.  But, after just a little of us speaking about what needed to be done to sell the house, he became agitated.  He restated, as he has many times before, that he was not going to do everything himself to get the house ready to sell. 

Thing is, Mustbe have you ever considered that your husband may not want to leave the house? The above sounds like an action of buying time. "Not going to do everything himself.", sounds to me like a convenient strategy to have things remain status quo.

Although, whenever I try to ask him about meeting with the contractor, or putting in a new video doorbell that I bought probably six months ago, he complains that I am pushing him or jumping in and taking things over.  That’s his MO - set up a no win.  There was more complaining, blaming, etc on his part, but I just went about my business calmly.

From what i can gather, your husband is displaying signs of aggression, which in my next quote i'll address the possibility of why "he might not remember". But for your safety, Mustbe, i might suggest that you would want to consider taking progressive steps to putting distance on a physical level. I'm not sure how often those fits of anger manifests itself, but since you are a lady, the law might be more on your side against in cases of DV. What i fear about the current situation is, there might be a possible escalation of violence and rage when your husband knows you are dead serious about taking some kind of action, lets say "divorce". Any action you take on your part, which he interprets as a loss of control or "abandonment" will present itself. I just hope that by time that comes, you've sufficiently prepared yourself for what's coming up ahead.

Another thing i find interesting is, this whole idea about "don't push me". my uBPDexGF certainly didnt like being made to do anything she didn't want or felt uncomfortable, or in her perception was against her will ( though some of these things infact where good for her ). I am a little curious as to the psyche behind that. Which after i've given deeper thought i have be able to grapple something. But since your husband his high in "disagreeableness", then there is little room to even put anything on the table for a decent conversation.

Even though several weeks ago, he pushed and grabbed me, and threw me out of the house, and threatened me.  Now he claims he was taking some pills and doesn’t remember that night.  All the more reason not to stick around.

Mustbe, i think there might be some truth to this sentence. Your husband doesn't know why he threw you out. As far as i know, when a person with BPD is going through an episode emotional dysregulation which rage often occurs, their minds may not map memory the way you and i would remember things. This is called disassociation, nearly two thirds of people with BPD experience disassociation. ":)issociation: nearly two-thirds of people with BPD experience dissociative symptoms (Korzekwa and Pain, 2009)"  - This is from the research paper's executive summary.

The link for citation purposes is here https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4569816/

Your husband may genuinely not know what happened and when cognitive dissonance happens, when facts do not fit his version of reality, then there is a high possibility that he has made something up, to justify his actions so that his reality makes sense to him. Does that now make sense to you?

He asked if he worked on himself, would I consider getting back together.  I cannot see that happening, as I cannot depend on him being reasonable, therefore I do not feel safe and I can’t live like that.  That’s what I told him. It’s sad, because I so wanted things to be different- a happy ending. 

It must really be heartbreaking, to wish and to hope but yet, how we hope things would pan out, might really be a distant dream, Mustbe. As far as i know to my knowledge of having someone say that my partner's BPD has been cured, for the short time i've been on this forum, would be the retired person called "Steph". Steps to recovery is a long and arduous journey. It requires alot of time, effort, support, resources to even get treatment kickstarted. DBT - or dialectal behaviour therapy, is the gold class standard for treating BPD, as far as it's effectiveness supported by actual numbers and research. But i don't know if that is something you would want to consider, or even shoulder as a load to carry for a few years... .But, after all of these years of trying, our relationship has deteriorated into something extremely troublesome.  Obviously, I can’t save him from his demons, but I can save myself.  Saving myself has become my focus.

DBT increases the chances of recovery manifold, but it doesn't mean it's the magic pull for treating BPD. Mustbe, i'm afraid you are right to say the only person you can save is yourself. Imagine a sinking ship, and you're telling your husband lets put on the life buoys and jump into the water, your husband would not only refuse to leave the ship, he would probably throw the life buoy away and continue telling you, help help! the ship is sinking. At this point, that might be his reality and until he changes his reality ( through some serious consistent treatment ) unfortunately, things are mostly going to be the same. I've tried hard with my uBPDexGF, i've beat myself up, i've searched almost the whole freaking internet on the topic of BPD and how i could possibly help my ex, it ain't gonna work if change doesn't come from your partner.

What you husband might be doing is more of, telling you - "i am willing to change, please dont leave. I like the status quo". It might be more of a bait to have you to stay, rather than an genuine plea of repentance. Don't get me wrong, people with BPD in all fairness may not have the tools or worldview to change, and to compound on that, the lack of trusting others, which i've concluded prevents them from getting the help they need, or allowing their loved ones to actually help them. Because they can't trust others, and sometimes they don't even trust themselves, they turn to control. I wrote more about this in another post and if you like, i could reference the link here about the control psyche.

But, it’s not to be.  I wanted to always be there for him and help make up for his difficult upbringing. 

It seems that a difficult childhood is one of the key contributing factors for BPD, my ex has a difficult childhood as well. Abusive father, absent mother. I  don't know about how difficult your husband's childhood was, but yes FOO or (family of origin) issues do play a significant part as well.

Now, after all that, the more pertinent question for you MustBe, is what do you want for your life? This isn't a selfish question, in the sense that you're only thinking for yourself. Infact, because there isn't a healthy sense of commitment in the way that a mutual loving relationship is, your personal safety and well being will be more objective in this conversation. If you have beyond reasonable doubt that this is not to be salvaged, and you're moving on, then... .staying on the course of detachment and working on ourselves would be the best way to move forward and love yourself.

Take good care, and keep the updates coming

Spero.

[Speck]

Mustbeabetterway, sounds like you have been through another doozy.

But, I am outraged that he would lock me out of the house, pushing me out the door and threatening me if I came back and now act as if it didn’t happen or as if I am overreacting and then ask me if it is over.  To me that is craziness.

I hear you! It does, indeed, sound crazy that he does not register the recent events as his abusive behavior towards you. But, I would venture that he "cannot" see things that way because then it would mean that he is responsible for your leaving. Which he clearly is. Heck, he pushed you out of the door and locked it!

If I may, I would like to gently nudge you that a healthy boundary that you can set for yourself about this event is to NOT allow him to re-write its history nor "play dumb" about it, which is what he's doing now.

By this most recent contact, it appears that he is attempting to 1.) minimize his involvement in the event, 2.) decrease his role, 3.) downplay whatever thoughts and feelings you may have about it, and 4.) perhaps nullify the possible consequences of his behavior. Which indicates to me that he's not "dumb" about it, after all. He knows what he did.

An astute observation that I Am Redeemed said above really resonates with me. It's so good, I'd rather not paraphrase:

It is difficult to see sometimes where we end and the other person begins - but there is a difference, and that is the basics of how boundaries are defined.

My point in this is that what YOU think and feel about the night he pushed you out of your home and locked the door on you is all that matters. Since he is now goading you about it and trying to get a read on what the future may possibly hold for HIM, if I may, I would like to illuminate that those are HIS needs, and you are, of course, not responsible for those in any fashion.

We hear you. We care. Keep writing if it helps.


-Speck

[Jeffree]

Mustbeabetterway,

I thoroughly commend you for standing firm in your resolve to not tolerate his abuse anymore and to see that his attempts to keep you in his sphere of influence are futile and he will relapse into being the bully he is all over again.  You really are doing a great job sticking up for yourself and doing what you need for you.

May I suggest that if he takes issue with anything such as you saying “In spite of everything” that you tell him he doesn't have the luxury to take issue with anything you say, do, or feel ever again? Those days are over.

Who is he to take issue with anything anymore? After all he's put you though? Really?

He's lucky you've been willing to give him an ear, let alone a response to his idiotic questions.

These people are unreal.

J

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi Mustbe,

I went back and read this whole thread again, because the whole situation is so strikingly similar to some of my own experiences with my uBPDh. I can relate so much to what you are going through in terms of the differences in perception that you and your h have about the incident, and probably the r/s in general. Reading your experience has given me some clarity about my own.

These are some of my observations:

It’s been 10 days since I was forced out of my house by my uBPDh.  Yesterday, he texted and apologized.  I waited several hours to respond.  I wasn’t sure what to say, so I just said I appreciate the apology.  Today, he called and I answered.  He wanted to know if I would go to lunch with him.  I said no.   He says he doesn’t remember what happened the night he locked me out of the house.  He told me the dog is depressed and is moping around without me.  All of this makes me incredibly sad.

He starts out with an apology, because on some level he knows what he did was wrong. He thinks an apology is expected, and possibly that is all it will take to "bring you around." You did not "jump" at his apology text but waited to respond. When you did, it was not the desired response. The next day he calls with an excuse: "I don't remember what happened." But obviously he remembered enough to know he needed to apologize, though he seemed to be "waiting it out."

The "dog being depressed and moping" around is obviously a play on your emotions designed to
evoke feelings of guilt. He probably thought you would have more sympathy for the dog being sad than if he told you he was sad.

In regards to this:

An update to my post - earlier this week, I let my husband know that I wanted to stop by our home and pick up mail, along with some other of my personal things that need to be moved.  So I did that this afternoon.

He was there and everything started out cordially.  But, after just a little of us speaking about what needed to be done to sell the house, he became agitated.  He restated, as he has many times before, that he was not going to do everything himself to get the house ready to sell.  Although, whenever I try to ask him about meeting with the contractor, or putting in a new video doorbell that I bought probably six months ago, he complains that I am pushing him or jumping in and taking things over.  That’s his MO - set up a no win.  There was more complaining, blaming, etc on his part, but I just went about my business calmly.

Eerily familiar. I agree with Spero, it sounds like your h may not want to leave the house, any more than he wants to face change in any other area of his life such as in himself or in your r/s dynamic. Change is uncomfortable and produces stress, which can be overwhelming. PwBPD can dysregulate, use projection, disassociate, and use other disordered coping and defense mechanisms in response to stress or negative feelings.

As for the "no-win MO"- No matter what I did, it was wrong- even if last week he complained that I did "A" instead of "B", this week when I did "B" instead of "A", well that was wrong too, and furthermore, I was supposed to inherently know whether to do "A" or "B" as his mood determined.

Give me a freaking break.

Complaining and blaming- classic uBPDh behavior. Complaining was a constant. Blaming usually appeared when something went wrong (i.e., he lost his whole paycheck on lottery tickets. Since I had mentioned that the utility bill was coming up, he therefore twisted it into this: You're always talking about how we need money, money, money and telling me what bills are due. You don't know what kind of negative effect your words can have on a person! I'm trying to do this the honest way and this is the only way I know how to get money quick! Would you rather me sell drugs? Just don't even tell me what bills are due!)
In other words, it was my fault that he lost all his money on the lottery tickets, and now we couldn't pay the utility bill. ( Incidentally, I still owe the utility company about $1300 here. Guess who is probably going to have to pay it, if I want to stay in this town when I get ready to move out of my friend's house? Yep. Me.)

And yes, that was a real statement that he made. Several times. And that's the shortened version of it. Unbelievable.

Anyway, I have figured out that blaming and complaining are ways of shifting the focus to me so he doesn't have to be the only person who did something wrong or has changes to make. I believe it is a way of semi-justifying his bad behavior, or at least making it seem balanced by tallying up "wrongs" on my end. Also, I think it is easier for him to not feel guilty when the person harmed by his actions is not an "innocent party."

Another way of lessening personal responsibility is the claims of "I don't remember" and "it was the pills." Maybe he thinks those are valid excuses for his abusive treatment of you ("I didn't mean to. I'm sorry. Come on, let's be friends again." My uBPDh is blaming his abusive treatment of me last fall on the ecstasy that was mixed with the meth he was smoking. Apparently, he doesn't consider the times he abused me during other relapses he had without any hallucinogenic drugs as a factor. It's more convenient to pretend that everything was fine until he started doing ecstasy by accident.He didn't know that he was doing a hallucinogenic drug. He would have stopped if he had known.

That's his logic. The meth was laced with ecstasy, and he didn't know. It was all the fault of the ecstasy- the drug he didn't intend to do. Never mind the fact that he intentionally smoked the meth.

This evening I had dinner with some good friends.  Right before dinner,  I get a text from my husband asking if I hate him.  I texted “In spite of everything, I do not hate you”. I was hoping that would be the end of it.  But then he texts to call him.  I said having dinner with friends.  He says please call me after.

So on my way back to my daughter’s home after dinner, I give him a call.  Guess what, he takes issue with me saying “In spite of everything”. In other words, the mistreatment and abusive behavior really didn’t count for anything in his mind.  He wants to know exactly what I mean by “in spite of everything”.

He is feeling alone, and worried about the future, so he is asking if it is totally over between us.  I should have just said yes it is.  But, I am outraged that he would lock me out of the house, pushing me out the door and threatening me if I came back and now act as if it didn’t happen or as if I am overreacting and then ask me if it is over.  To me that is craziness.

Even at this time, I can hear in his voice an edginess.  He is angry with me,   I can tell, although he is trying to play it cool.

It will be very difficult for me, but better for me to not talk or text him.  This has been traumatic for me, I need time and space to heal.

I can believe that he "took issue" with you saying that. It wasn't what he wanted to hear. It reflected negatively on him, and he focused on that. He probably is angry, because he is not getting his way. He tried apologizing (in a text), he told you the dog was depressed and missed you (guilt-trip), he offered a plea-bargain ("I'll work on myself", then extended the terms of that plea-bargain ("we can live apart, and I'll work on myself, just don't divorce me" and none of that finely-crafted manipulation has netted him what he wants, which is you conceding and capitulating.

Yeah, I bet he is mad. And you know what? That does not have to concern you in the least. His tantrums are not your problem. You have a place where you are safe, and can have peace, and he can't infiltrate that. He doesn't seem to have any empathy for what you experienced as a result of his abuse. He knows it was wrong, on some level, but he does not understand the severity or extent of the trauma that he caused. He doesn't know why you feel the way you do. He may never understand the ramifications of his behavior. But you do. And I do. And many others here do, as well.

I also commend you for strengthening your resolve to not allow him to mistreat you. You are finding your path to "a better way" to live. It isn't easy. I struggle daily with conflicting emotions, but the one constant is that I know I do not want to endure abuse anymore. However that has to happen, I am committed to maintaining that boundary. I believe you are too, and I think you are displaying great strength in doing so. Elsewhere, in another post, you told me I was brave. You are brave, Mustbe. Brave for establishing a boundary, brave for facing the unknown, brave for acknowledging and processing uncomfortable emotions, brave for reaching out for support, brave for sharing your story. Thank you.

Blessings and peace to you,

Redeemed

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Everyone, thanks for your support and your responses.  They help so much. 

Redeemed, you are right on the money with much of what you have said.  Thanks for taking the time to outline specifics and for your thoughtful analysis.

Jeffrey, thanks for cheering me on with standing up for myself.  I have read many of your posts.  I’m glad you are continuing to stand up for yourself.  For most of us, boundaries are hard.  We want to help and over time we allow ourselves to be walked on and we have tolerated treatment that we should not have.  I’m trying to get used to thinking of myself for a change. 

Speck, I really like your observation and your advice to hold on to my truth.  You are right, my version of what happened the night I got locked out is my truth.  It’s my story, and I’m sticking to it!  Thanks for that.

Spero, I agree that my husband may truly not remember all that happened.  In my book, that is even more reason for him to seek help.  I told him that. 

Kind of a funny thing, I always thought of him as the leader of our relationship because he is strong willed, I didn’t realize how much I was doing because I gave him the power and the credit.  Something I want to explore more to find out why I did that. 

As to why he balks at my suggestions, he has a thing against authority.  He almost always rails against it.  Any time I try to assert myself, like having ideas as to how to get the house ready to sell, he will put up resistance.  For example, I love to work in my flower beds.  I know about plants, but anytime I outline a plan for the flowerbeds he disagrees.  Then he procrastinates until I just forget about it.  In the end, I just bought everything and did it myself and it looked great.  Arrrgh!

I know he wants to hang on to status quo.  Status quo is not working for me.  We have been one month apart now.  I am working on a new place for myself, still staying with our daughter and family.  My husband is looking at a new place for himself.  I went to look at it, he wanted my opinion.  I did look at it, but going to resist getting any more involved in his move.  He wants a lot of support from me and claims that he doesn’t have anyone else.  He is way too dependent on me. He says that I have a lot of people.  I told him he has people too that he just needs to reach out.  He and I had a constructive conversation about that. So, he has been contacting our daughter more.

We had been together a very long time.  I am slowly releasing our old relationship. 

Thanks again everyone for your support.  I know there are “better ways”. Cheers to finding and embracing them.  Mustbe

[juju2]

hello,

after being separated, for a healing separation from dxBPDbf, we lived together almost 10 yrs, together 10 yrs, we are separated since march 2017. 

In hindsight, life is lived forward - understood backwards, i see that for most of our r/s, i was reacting to his illness, not the person.  That is my part, i am a co dependent.
I fell in love w the person, when we first dated, i was love bombed, and i didnt know about that aspect.  There were other great qualities that were and are there.  We had /have excellent chemistry, have fun, etc.  As the r/s progressed, his illness took a toll on the r/s, and i blamed him.  I couldn't see that i was reacting to his disorder.  We spun out of control, in 2016, we were both toxic to one another.

Fast forward, we got into couples counseling nov 2017, w no idea what to expect or anything.  We each told the T, (who has experience w BPD)that we did not know where the r/s was going... .

I found out through introspection, journaling, praying, listening, that a lot of our downward spiral was from me not taking care of myself.  I had not been aware of my condition: relying too much on one person, not taking care of myself(spiritually, physically, socially, emotionally) i had become a needy lump.  I know that sounds harsh, and it took me a long time to see my reality, a person reacting to another person, and also blaming that person.  I am mot a victim.  Well meaning friends and family, who unfortunately heard all our problems from me, became negative encouragers for me to end my r/s.  I saw this all AFTER we separated.  he was blamed for all my problems.  Guess what:  he left my life, my problems DIDNT.

long story short, it's a story of two people who care a lot about one another.  When i get real about myself, do not focus or get sucked in to another person's business, not enmeshed, life and every possibility becomes available!  Miracles can happen.

this has been a long painful journey for me, and i do not know whete it is going.

We see eachother once a week for a lite conversation, nothing heavy, like just beginning with someone I don't know.(this once a wk, lite conversation, getting to know one another, 1 1/2hr
a week, at neutral location---this was what our T recommended for us)

am seeing miracles happen for us. 

this community here has helped me beyond words.

possibility lives.

j

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi juju6860,  I am glad you have found help with this community.  I have found a lot of support here, as well.

I have codependent tendencies, too.  Especially in my relationship with my UBPDH.   One characteristic of BPD is that emotions are very changeable and that PWBPD take action based on what they are feeling in the moment.  So the characteristics of the person you fell in love with may be totally different based on what they are feeling at the time.

 At some point, I believe, everyone is responsible for their actions.  If a person has problems over and over related to their actions, then getting help and trying to change would be important.  This goes for codependents and PWBPD or addictions, whatever may be causing problems.

It’s good that your journey has brought you to a better place and that new possibilities are available to you and your significant other.

Best of luck on your continuing journey, mustbe

[Speck]

Mustbe,

I am slowly releasing our old relationship.

Thank you for the update.  I sense a positive vibe from this latest posting, and it appears that you are in the process of lovingly detaching from your ex.

We look forward to hearing more from you and fully support you in doing what you need to do to take care of yourself.


-Speck