How to/should I get my ex-girlfriend back

[Wildboar]

Hi again!

did anything change on your end?

Not really. It seems like her investment depends greatly on her mood, if she has a lot of studying to do she'll be very cold and vice versa. That particular day was on a weekend so she must've felt more relaxed, hence the warmer more interesting texts.

Does she check the boards?

No, I havn't told her the forum or anything, and I'm basically hiding the fact that I'm active on the boards now. It's just that it isn't the hardest place to find and I know she'll be able to identify the thread if she comes across it, so yeah I'm trying to keep things to the bare minimum just in case she finds out. But yeah, I totally understand what you mean; My ex never liked me talking about us, especially her, to others. Either way, I'm forced to talk about it at least a bit to my friends and on the board because I'd never be able to handle this alone.


Anyway thanks a lot for the advice! I'll try to be a bit more "interesting" by text and yeah, she actually initiated this time saying that she'd think about maybe meeting up, so definately a good sign. I'm already thinking about stuff we could do; Either taking her to some place we'd been to at the beginning of our relationship but never since, or a completely new place. In any case, I'll try to find something distant from our usual unhealthy habits that led to our end.

And yes, as you say once removed, I know her well and I should be able to find some way of reigniting that spark.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Wildboar]

There's a couple of things that've been bugging me a bit though;
I heard a rumor that suggests, with very very little actual proof (Pretty much none) that she might be flirting with another dude... .It's mostly a made up scenario, and I have no idea who it is nor what she could be up to. But yeah, the anxiety's getting to me, and now I realize that it's not a very unrealistic idea that she'd be chatting with other dudes to move on, because it's something I would do... .
Problem is, it's driving me crazy of jealousy... .I mean I guess in one sense it's normal; Seeing the girl you love talking to potential dates is heartbreaking
I'm coping by distracting myself and by telling myself that I do the same but that if I get her attention she'll come back to me.

Also, I heard she's gonna be going to her first party since the breakup. I'm anxious that, drunk, she'll much more easily hit on other guys and it's driving me insane... .How can I cope with this heart-wrenching anxiety? I can't find any real reason this won't happen; A drunk girl surrounded by guys, saddened by a recent breakup... .Why would she not go for a little one night experience to escape our situation?
And meanwhile it would kill me of jealousy... .I can't stand thinking the girl I love with another person, I guess it's pretty normal.

I guess these are the problems of being in love before dating... .It feels like the usual situation of asking a crush out, except with the added burden of being fully in love with the crush instead of a small attraction.

[once removed]

I'll try to be a bit more "interesting" by text and yeah, she actually initiated this time saying that she'd think about maybe meeting up, so definately a good sign.

it is! do let us know how it goes and keep us posted.

[Wildboar]

Ugh, today was a mess. This upcoming party is making me pretty anxious... .I feel so sure that she'll end up doing stuff with another dude she'll see at a party. I don't see why she would refrain from it... .Drunk, probably still sad after the breakup, why would she refuse another guy?

I've been thinking about it so much, and I can't stand it. The thought of it all going.

I feel an urge to send her a message telling her that the party's stressing me out, but I'm doing my best to control it because showing her such desperation won't get me anywhere.

I want to stay strong but this is gnawing at me... .To come to think that I'm probably that worthless to her... .that she'll end up with another guy in no time

Also, I'm afraid that she's going to regret it the next day because she will feel bad for me. Remember how I was saying that she broke up because she felt worthless and she felt bad herself? She hates herself for the impulsivity.
I'm scared that she's gonna end up doing stuff at the party, and then she'll hate herself even more, and that'll make her even more distant because she's gonna think "I can't believe I've done this to him, he'll hate me forever, I can't go back"
Idk it's either that or she won't care after the party and she'll just date another guy... .
But I feel so certain that she'll find someone at this party

[once removed]

sorry Wildboar, i think i missed your post prior to the last.

i suspect id be anxious as well, and playing out lots of scenarios in my head.

i think there are plenty of reasons that it wouldnt happen. sure, its a possibility. either way, its not likely youre going to know, and assuming the worst, i dont think a drunken night is a threat to the path youre on.

a lot of us in this situation ruminate. the fears feel very convincing. we feel powerless. we rationalize them, and then they seem even more likely, even feel inevitable. i know thats of small comfort, but it helped me to remind myself at the time.

what day is the party? what can you do on that day for a healthy distraction?

[Mutt]

Hi Wildboar,

I can understand that it would be hard to anticipate these scenarios I’d like to add to what Once Removed said about rumination - catastrophizing. I know that it’s hard to break but I agree with Once Removed is there something that you can do that will make you feel better? Do you work out?

[Wildboar]

Hi again and thanks for your replies once removed and Mutt,

sorry Wildboar, i think i missed your post prior to the last.

i suspect id be anxious as well, and playing out lots of scenarios in my head.

i think there are plenty of reasons that it wouldnt happen. sure, its a possibility. either way, its not likely youre going to know, and assuming the worst, i dont think a drunken night is a threat to the path youre on.

a lot of us in this situation ruminate. the fears feel very convincing. we feel powerless. we rationalize them, and then they seem even more likely, even feel inevitable. i know thats of small comfort, but it helped me to remind myself at the time.

No worries!

So in the end she didn't actually go to the party, talk about days of anxiety for nothing 
But yeah, those couple of days taught me a lot in terms of dealing with such anxiety. It does feel quite catastrophic as you say, Mutt

I did send her a message to talk about it though, which probably wasn't the best idea... .Basically I felt real anxious and so I asked her if she was going to the party for confirmation. She said no and asked me why I asked, so I told her about the whole fear of her meeting other guys and stuff, etc.
She said she understood my fears and promised me that she would tell me if there was ever to be someone else in her mind. I think it'll kind of push her away and it cancels out a bit of progress, but, well, at least now I'm reassured.

Aside from this, I think I kinda screwed up on my side... .I basically went to a party, got a bit too drunk and fell asleep (not slept, just fell asleep  ) with another girl... .Nothing more, and I mean it was that kind of rebound stuff because I felt sad and lonely. I think if my ex finds out it'll pretty much ruin my chances though.
It doesn't have any more meaning, no sentimental stuff after the party, but yeah... .
It did, however, give me a feeling of control over the situation. Because even though I regret it, I feel independent; I feel this way because of what I did, not what she did. I guess it's after all a step forward, even though I feel guilty about it and it doesn't help at all with my path to win her back... .

[Mutt]

Hi Wildboar,

Im not judging you because I have anxiety and I coped in ways that I wasn’t proud of but I didn’t want to be judged. I just want to share with you ways that you can take care of your anxiety without drinking. I mentioned working out earlier.

Do you have a gym membership? Do you excersise? A vigorous workout can help your anxiety for a few hours and it can really lessen your anxiety for days if you’re in a regular gym routine. I’m glad that you’re not beating yourself up.  

[Wildboar]

Im not judging you because I have anxiety and I coped in ways that I wasn’t proud of but I didn’t want to be judged. I just want to share with you ways that you can take care of your anxiety without drinking. I mentioned working out earlier.

Do you have a gym membership? Do you excersise? A vigorous workout can help your anxiety for a few hours and it can really lessen your anxiety for days if you’re in a regular gym routine. I’m glad that you’re not beating yourself up.  

Hi Mutt,

You're right, it wasn't the brightest idea. I think it was more the loneliness than the anxiety that led to the things I did, since she told me before that she wasn't going to the party. But yeah, after all drinking remains a distraction, a pretty unhealthy one too... .I only do it at parties though, and it's only like once or twice every couple of months so don't worry I'm not an alcoholic or anything 
But I'll try to limit that behavior of coping with this, that's for sure, as I learned my lesson here.

Yup, I have weights and stuff at home so I do my little exercise program at home. And you're right it does actually help a lot, discharging all that extra energy. I think that if I didn't have my routine I'd be pretty depressed and anxious all the time, but I feel quite a bit better with sports!

Anyway thanks for your advice! 

[CryWolf]

Glad you know that drinking is an unhealthy coping mechanism to face your anxieties. Unfortunately, some of us will continue this to cope and things will spiral down from there. I also did drink half a bottle of wine each night this weekend to alleviate my anxieties  and i'm not an alcoholic either. Probably drink only at parties and last party I was at was before I met my ex. Drinking and drugs are a slippery slope for temporary relief.

Thats good youre working out! Have you played basketball before? It helps me a lot, because of cardio releasing endorphins and also getting to socialize with people. Ive made a lot of friends this way since my breakup. Just some suggestions for you

[once removed]

whats going on Wildboar? any update?

[CryWolf]

Hey buddy, how are you doing? Any updates? its been a while, so update us as soon as you can.

[Wildboar]

Hi again everyone!
Sorry I left you hanging for a while there, I wanted to distance myself a bit from this whole BPD thing and think about other stuff, mostly studying and stuff haha And yeah I've been pretty busy so in a way it's been good for me, it was a great distraction, even though I'm pretty exhausted now 

So I did get to see her one a couple of weeks ago actually, and it went really well surprisingly. It wasn't anything special, just a walk together and a coffee, but it felt nice to reconnect and it was pretty relieving. It gave me a lot of hope and so I continue talking to her, hopefully I'm gonna meet her soon again! (Due to ours lives it's not an easy thing btw, many things holding us back)

Emotionally speaking it's a back and forth, sometimes I feel great and sometimes I'm a bit moody and anxious. Especially now, I'm pretty tired after lots of work and stuff so yeah... .but globally the situation is improving and in any case I feel much more free and independant, even almost ready to let go

One thing that kind of scares me is that if we get back together, I don't really know if I'm prepared... .I'm a bit scared, things might not be that easy. Being able to see things realistically now, it seems like it'll be a very time-consuming and difficult relationship, with her disorder and also my not so easy emotions and character
I'm obviously not going to give up, I love her still and she's an amazing person to be with, but just wanted to point it out! I'll reread a bunch of guides and prepare myself haha, and I'll try to organize my life properly this time   Things should work out fine either way, I'm pretty positive about this!

Thats good youre working out! Have you played basketball before? It helps me a lot, because of cardio releasing endorphins and also getting to socialize with people. Ive made a lot of friends this way since my breakup. Just some suggestions for you

Haha I did tennis for a while but basketball... .I'm really really terrible at it   But I admit it's still fun when those around me don't make fun of me that is haha

[CryWolf]

How have you been buddy? its been a while, but we both joined the same time, so checking in