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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Discarded by WhatsApp after 3 years  (Read 288 times)
GoneForGood81

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3


« on: February 18, 2018, 07:43:27 AM »

Hi all
I am currently searching for help to make sense of my last relationship with a diagnosed BPD woman. We were together for 3 yeary (2 break ups and coming together again). Now she just discarded me by sending a whatsapp message. She does not answer to me anymore. None of my questions were answered. She was diagnosed with BPD as a teenager (she told me) and had some treatment. I dont know if this treatment did help her in any way shape or form. I know that she is now very sceptical about doctors, science and the pharma Industry. She describes herself as a very empathic and spiritual human beeing. I did a lot of research and she has lately shown some NPD Traits as well as her "ususal" Borderline Traits. She spends a lot of time on the Internet (Facebook) and has joined a lot of spiritual groups. It seems to me that she has lost touch with reality and seeks help in (to mee) strange places. I feel heartbroken because I really loved that girl but had to learn that this person that I loved probably never existed and it was all just an illusion. I dont want to lash out about how bad a person she was. We had some good times. But in the latest stages she would always urge me to go see a theraphyst and to work on myself. I am into self growth for I know I am not perfect. But I would like to do it in my own pace. There is a LOT that has happened during these 3 years which really messed with my head. I wrote down most of the incidents that had happened just to look at them when I feel lost or that I should try it again with her. Also my gutfeeling was telling me that something was off.
1. She would constantly gaslighting me. For instance she would be making abusive statements towards me infront of other people and when I confronted her about it she would either flee the scene or say that I misunderstood her or that I was twisting her words to fit my understanding of the situation.
2. She would triangulate me with other guys a lot. Example: She would tell me that her friends boyfriend had bought his girlfriend this expensive bracelett. She would admire him for doing so and in the same sentence would also belittle her friend of not having enough knowledge on the matter to really admire the gift. She would have and she thinks the guy is really classy. Since I have studied the last 4 years to become a primary teacher I do not have the money to buy her such valuable gifts and she knows that.
3. She would make inappropriate statements about her past. I know she was a bit slutty when she was younger but I managed to not care about those things since they are in the past and everyone has a past. She realised that I stopped to mind about that and would then let me know that "I was really easy to get when I was younger". I just could not wrap my head around why she said such things for it made no sense to me at all.
5. I dont know if she physically cheated on me but I remember there were times when she had bruises on her arms and legs. When I asked her what had happened, she could not explain them or just said she ran into a table or something like that.
She admitted openly that she likes to flirt with guys online (Facebook). Well she actually said that the guys flirt with her but she was obviously enjoying the attention. And also enjoying my bewildered reaction to that statement of hers.

There are so many more things but just writing these down made me sad and it was also a relief.
I would like to know what you think about the mentioned behavior or have you had any similar experiences with your ex? What have you done about and how did you heal after the relationship failed?
Any answer is very welcome. I feel so lost at the moment but I know I must see this thru and that it will get better over time. Thanks to all of you and all the best!
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Speck
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Divorced since Mar 2018
Posts: 610



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« Reply #1 on: February 18, 2018, 09:41:46 AM »

 

Hello, GoneForGood81! I'm glad you found this forum, and I think you'll find that a lot of our stories share similar themes.

Excerpt
I would like to know what you think about the mentioned behavior or have you had any similar experiences with your ex?

I am not a psychologist, so I cannot diagnose BPD in others. However, much of what you've written about your ex sounds very familiar... .

Yes. As far as my uBPDw being promiscuous during her early life goes, she completely failed to mention to me when we were dating that she had five abortions in her late teens and early 20s. I didn't know about that until after we were married. We've been married for 8 years. I'm not sure I would have married her had I known that detail, as it is rather red-flaggy. It is also possible that she was aware of this as well, and that is why she did not tell me until after we were married.

Excerpt
What have you done about and how did you heal after the relationship failed?

My wife left me four times in the course of a ten-year relationship. After this last vanishing trick, I Googled my wife's odd behavior, and ended up at bpdfamily. All of the questions I had about her behavior suddenly made sense.

I am still healing. My uBPDw drew up divorce documents shortly after leaving me, but has yet to actually file. If she hasn't done so by March 5th, then I will file.


I hope you are indeed able to move on and heal. This is a good place to see that through.

Keep writing if it helps.


-Speck
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Mutt
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10119



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« Reply #2 on: February 18, 2018, 02:54:40 PM »

Hi GoneForGood81,

Welcome

I'm sorry to hear that. Three years is a long time with someone and being told that you're done over what's app has to be hard, you're not given a real oppurtunity to talk to the other person and get closure it telegraphs that the other person is not putting themselves in your shoes.

You're in the right place, you'll see that you'll fit right in here it helps to talk to others that are in similar situations like you to give you advice and support. I could have Googled my exe's behaviours while I was with her like Speck I had a gut feeling that what I would find is not something that I would like. It was cognitive dissonance on my part I Googled after she left me and found this site lurked for about a week and I could see my situation in everyon's post.

Excerpt
1. She would constantly gaslighting me. For instance she would be making abusive statements towards me infront of other people and when I confronted her about it she would either flee the scene or say that I misunderstood her or that I was twisting her words to fit my understanding of the situation.

There are some things that I can't recall because of how many times my exuBPDw rewrote things and I believed her I thought that I was going crazy because I was missing or forgettings things that she swore up and down like she did. A pwBPD will project and dissociate the first one they will project feelings that they can't cope with on unto others and the second one is that they'll change reality to match their out of place feelings both are the inability or dysfunction with processing emotions.

Excerpt
2. She would triangulate me with other guys a lot. Example: She would tell me that her friends boyfriend had bought his girlfriend this expensive bracelett. She would admire him for doing so and in the same sentence would also belittle her friend of not having enough knowledge on the matter to really admire the gift. She would have and she thinks the guy is really class

Typically drama triangles are to shift blame from one person unto the next person I'm the good guy you're the bad guy. I honestly think that this sounds like Obligation and Guilt from FOG and I still get emotional blackmail from my exuBPDw after the split because she is emotionally stunted at the young age of a child the person that I met 13 years is literally the same person today there's no self growth.

The fog really displaced me when I was with my exuBPDw but reading about the behaviours, you learn to depersonalize them and stop reacting to them. It's like my girlfiend said the other night about my "she's all talk" which is true.


Excerpt
"I was really easy to get when I was younger". I just could not wrap my head around why she said such things for it made no sense to me at all.


This doesn't make sense it reminds me of something my ex said in an email after the split "I do what I want" which telegraphs the disregard of other people's boundaries and I think that sounds like what you're ex is saying but for what reason I don't know it telegraphs that she has poor boundaries a pwBPD are like a young child flailing against the parent's boundaries have little to no boundaries on themselves or the understanding of the boundaries of others.
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