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Author Topic: I think it was also an excuse for abuse  (Read 495 times)
tiki
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« on: February 27, 2018, 06:02:04 AM »

I think the answer to your questions will be found in tracing things back to the root or source.

Being a "fixer" is unhealthy when the motivations are fulfilling of our needs rather than the fulfillment of others needs. A lot of fixing is about being the "superior" person in the relationship - building our self esteem. One sign that we are on this track is when we see we are "helping to our detriment" - which usually means we are driven by questionable motives. Another sign is the recipient doesn't feel grateful for what we are doinng - this is usually because or giving is motivated by what soothes us, rather than what helps them.

This is very hard to see this in ourselves. Must "fixers" can't face this easily. It takes a lot of self reflection and openness to see this.

Omg yes. The person I was involved with would cast the people they were with in this role. He would paint them like they needed help but his real hope was always that this help would eliminate whatever reason they couldn’t be with him. I think it was also an excuse for abuse because the things said were only meant to be corrective. He could also come across like a great person to others outside the relationship with his concern and helping. And also needed to feel superior when he has his own problems. Thanks for putting that into words. It was about control. He even admitted I may have tried to manipulate you but...

What the f was this.

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tiki
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« Reply #1 on: February 27, 2018, 09:30:32 AM »

This was reposted for me but on the topic of abuse. After I got done explaining this behavior I googled abuse under the guise of helping and found this page on emotional abuse. https://counselingcenter.utk.edu/self-help-materials/emotional-abuse/

There were so many things that I not only experienced but that also drove me crazy. Minimizing, denying, saying things like “I never said that” Or you’re blowing this out of proportion. Denying any reality or feeling that differs from their own perspective. Trivializing. Blaming. etc.

Speaking of trivializing. That statement I quoted above “I may have tried to manipulate you, but... ”
Literally said with a shrug. Who shrugs off manipulation?

My question is since all of these things overlap with BPD characteristics in relationships, the selective memory and the need do not see themselves at fault, are these just things done to preserve a sense of ego or identity, or is it abuse. It is still experienced as abusive behavior but is it accidental abuse?
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Jeffree
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« Reply #2 on: February 27, 2018, 10:40:45 AM »

It is still experienced as abusive behavior but is it accidental abuse?

So it sounds like you are questioning the intent?

Now that's a real tough one to answer with any confidence because you're looking to make sense out of the actions of someone else who has compromised faculties.

Boy, I don't know. I'd like to believe that it was at least "accidental" to start, but at the point at which you are giving feedback as to how the abuse is making you feel and it continues, then it does seem to be a little more on purpose.

Yes, I know, the purpose of it might stem from his BPD, which he might not be able help himself. This why in the courts there's the provision for the temporary insanity plea.

Is any of this helping?

J
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tiki
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« Reply #3 on: February 27, 2018, 11:54:18 AM »

It is still experienced as abusive behavior but is it accidental abuse?

So it sounds like you are questioning the intent?

Now that's a real tough one to answer with any confidence because you're looking to make sense out of the actions of someone else who has compromised faculties.

Boy, I don't know. I'd like to believe that it was at least "accidental" to start, but at the point at which you are giving feedback as to how the abuse is making you feel and it continues, then it does seem to be a little more on purpose.

Yes, I know, the purpose of it might stem from his BPD, which he might not be able help himself. This why in the courts there's the provision for the temporary insanity plea.

Is any of this helping?

J

I forgot another thing he said. He said once “it’s like there is something in me that’s smarter then I am” on the topic of manipulation. Obviously that’s very true.

The fact that these behaviors are so hard on us is because it at least mimics abuse. It explains why it’s so hard on us.

And exactly. The point at which you attempt to communicate and they refuse to hear makes it seems more deliberate.

I think I’m struggling to understand if it was just abusive or at least a controlling behavior.

Originally he told me he “of course” had BPD and then he took it back. So I feel like I’m missing that confirmation.

And also why does abusive behavior so closely overlap with the things they do. Not all abusers have BPD so is it strange that overlap?
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tiki
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« Reply #4 on: February 27, 2018, 12:14:38 PM »

double post sorry
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Harley Quinn
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« Reply #5 on: March 01, 2018, 04:33:40 PM »

tiki, if a friend of yours was in a r/s with an alcoholic or a drug user who was violent or gaslit and emotionally abused her when they were high, would that still be abuse in your mind?  They were under the influence of drugs.  Does that negate the abuse?

Love and light x
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