Hoping I can learn a little here

[steppedinone]

Looking  to resolve a few issues.

Just left a relationship that was the biggest mistake of my life.

[JustNeedToTalk]

can you tell more of your experience?

[Speck]

Hello, steppedinone:

 

I just wanted to take a minute to welcome to the forums. I'm sorry for what you're going through, but I'm also glad that you have found a community where you can get the support you need. We help and support each other here, and we also learn from one another.

Can you give us a backstory on what has prompted you to reach out to us? Believe me, nothing you say will shock us... .so, let it rip.

Feel free to make yourself at home - you will get a lot of support to help you through this. We are here for you.


-Speck

[Lucky Jim]

Hey steppedinone, Welcome!  Presumably you suspect that your Ex has BPD or you wouldn't be here.  What makes you think that BPD is in the picture?  We can help with your issues, but need a little more information to be of assistance to you.  What is currently going on for you?

LuckyJim

[steppedinone]

Been involved with a coworker for about 2 years.

Affair portion disappeared about a year ago, but the attempt to remain "friends" has been at best debilitating.
Her stuff plays into my own issues, which I've discovered through a fair amount of therapy. Got very frustrated and went dark about 4 months ago. Have stayed NC since. Do what I can to minimize contact at work. Just tired of the edginess.

Really feel like I've made a lot of progress. And understanding that she's exhibits a TON of waif tendencies makes it a little easier to digest. Problem is that she's the latest in a line of Borderlines I've let into my life(Mom included). Hadn't seen one in about 15 years, so didn't see it coming.

How I was able to marry an amazing woman in between all these is beyond me. She's been supportive as all hell.

[Mutt]

That’s a clever username if you hadn’t seen a pwBPD for almost two decades. You seem knowledgeable with BPD, I think that talking about it with a group will help with the edginess. PwBPD hate to be ignored, how has she treated you at work?

[Speck]

Hello again, steppedinone:

I'm glad you have a T and very supportive wife.  And, like Mutt says, it sounds like you already have a pretty good idea of BPD-like issues and behaviors, but even so, there is so much more to learn about ourselves and how/why we attract these toxic people/relationships into our lives.

I'm still learning myself.

I believe you will be greatly comforted by the support here and the fact that we really do understand what you are going through. We've all been there to varying degrees. Take care of yourself. We will look forward to future posts from you.


-Speck

[steppedinone]

Appears I got myself into trouble today... .

She walks into my classroom. Let's me know she's divorcing her husband, and is starting therapy.

I had a note ready to go detailing how I was good with professional only, and had outlined some of my major issues.

Did I give her the note? Nope. Spoke with her for 2 hours, where I offered to be a place for her to vent, etc. Also hoped we could talk about some of my issues. Also learned she will most likely be my boss (principal) 1-2 years out. Left feeling like the bad old days. Know she isn't really going to be anything long term positive for me. But I keep falling for the same ___. Her crisis upstaged mine. I'm less important.


What the heck have I done? Feel like I completely embarrassed myself today. Took a L no question. Have been really proud of the work I had done. Had been NC for 90 days. Therapy moving me forward in so many ways. Feel awful, as if her ___ will work out, and I'm F'd.

I'll take any and all help.

[Speck]

Hello again, steppedinone:

Appears I got myself into trouble today... .

What the heck have I done? Feel like I completely embarrassed myself today.

It seems as though you didn't enforce a boundary, that's all. It's okay. Don't beat yourself up for it.

If you truly wish to achieve clarity and peace and walk a fully detached path with this person, well, there's no way to it but through it. One day at a time. Step by step.

From what I can glean from your postings about this person, it appears that you feel that her behavior is toxic to you. Have you ever heard of The Gray Rock method?

The Gray Rock method is a technique that is used to deal with the toxic behaviors of others. It is often recommended to people who want to: 1.) reduce the amount of toxic behavior from the other person and 2.) also need to protect themselves from the psychological effects of controlling/unwanted behavior.

This method involves a number of behavioral choices that are used in response to the abusive, controlling or manipulative behaviors of the toxic person. The idea is that you keep your head down like a grey rock and blend into the landscape. You starve the abusive person of any rewards they might get from their toxic behavior by remaining neutral.  The idea is that the toxic person will no longer find interactions with you stimulating and will tend to move on to someone else to get what they need instead.

You can read more about the technique here, although just keep in mind that's it's written from the perspective of protecting the reader from narcissistic behavior. However, the method can be helpful when dealing with any type of toxic behavior. There are also YouTube videos detailing the method.

So... .what have we got here?  Instead of handing her a letter detailing your intention to just keep things "professional" between you two, why not become the most boring person on earth in her eyes? The result could be the same, and you will not have to spell it out for her, potentially embarrassing her.

I hope this suggestion can be a helpful tool that you can use the next time you do not wish to give this person two hours of your time.

... .and I'm F'd.

Nope. Just stuck. We're here to help.

Let us know what you think. And keep writing. Keep processing.


-Speck

[once removed]

hey steppedinone,

I'll take any and all help.

if you want to support her, and yourself, or even if you want to slowly pull away without things blowing up, post on the Bettering board, learn the lessons and tools there. the Detaching board is about working through the stages of grief, and most of the advice you get will revolve around that.