Anybody’s pwBPD say they were empathic, or an empath?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

The small steps are where this one's at The Cat in d Hat.  
If you're still curious about the empathy, I think it's more helpful to you if you decided for yourself--once removed recommended a fab thread.  


That's an astute observation The Cat in d Hat. If the self is defined by the relationship's status, I'd imagine that the ending of it would feel like death for that person. That kinda gives a whole extra dimension for what breakup grieving must have been like for some pwBPDs--for those that go through it anyway.

Im not sure if she processed it as death of a relationship, but in my case I feel she took it as a lie, compounded with other lies I told earlier (personal details I didn’t initially disclose but did tell her later on when I felt I “knew” her), and she just said it was all lie. ALL LIES, EVRYTHING WAS A LIE. I think about those words a lot, she sounded so betrayed. I felt so bad.

Maybe it was she who told all lies? That’s all I have to comfort myself.

I feel all she took from this was if someone dies, they leave, and if they leave, they abandon... .so it just added to her abandonment.

If anything, death is how we nons process the end of these kinds of relationships. I try to get over this just accepting that person is dead (and maybe never existed to begin with). It was all smoke and mirrors remember? And suddenly it’s wiped off the face of the earth.

[The Cat in d Hat]

The small steps are where this one's at The Cat in d Hat.  
If you're still curious about the empathy, I think it's more helpful to you if you decided for yourself--once removed recommended a fab thread.  


That's an astute observation The Cat in d Hat. If the self is defined by the relationship's status, I'd imagine that the ending of it would feel like death for that person. That kinda gives a whole extra dimension for what breakup grieving must have been like for some pwBPDs--for those that go through it anyway.

Im not sure if she processed it as death of a relationship, but in my case I feel she took it as a lie, compounded with other lies I told earlier (personal details I didn’t initially disclose but did tell her later on when I felt I “knew” her), and she just said it was all lie. ALL LIES, EVRYTHING WAS A LIE. I think about those words a lot, she sounded so betrayed. I felt so bad.

Maybe it was she who told all lies? That’s all I have to comfort myself.

I feel all she took from this was if someone dies, they leave, and if they leave, they abandon... .so it just added to her abandonment.

If anything, death is how we nons process the end of these kinds of relationships. I try to get over this just accepting that person is dead (and maybe never existed to begin with). It was all smoke and mirrors remember? And suddenly it’s wiped off the face of the earth.

[zachira]

Lighthouse: You hit the nail on the head with your comment about how she was different people in different situations. The hall mark of narcissism is that the person craves admiration and they say and do what they need to in order to impress others. I notice narcissism by how the narcissist's face just lights up when they are receiving the admiration they so desperately crave. I am working on paying more attention  to this type of interaction and realizing that I want to be liked for who I am, not swayed by some artificial act of admiration that can seem like empathy at the time. Good for you in staying true to your self! In the end, healthy people prefer people who show their true selves from the beginning. Narcissists are often initially quite popular, and lose popularity over time as they show their true colors.

[gotbushels]

If anything, death is how we nons process the end of these kinds of relationships. I try to get over this just accepting that person is dead (and maybe never existed to begin with).

Yes, telling yourself to think they're deceased is one way you might do it. The "benefit" to us is obvious:

It was all smoke and mirrors remember? And suddenly it’s wiped off the face of the earth.

Yes--I'll share that a world where this person doesn't exist, that felt good for me. We simply escape from whatever we truly might benefit from dealing with. We know this in our hearts--that's why it tends to backfire on us.* E.g., do I truly have an anger management issue, is there some truth to "being OCD", can I fix them before my next relationship. We nons know--of all the parties on the board--escaping is easy, emotional work is hard.

If you're up for it, and the emotions have settled for you, you might consider other outcomes. E.g., this is a human, she has an issue--I've thought a relationship over and concluded the way it must work isn't what I actually want with anyone. That way, you can realistically and more truthfully settle what you've learned from the experience. That will give you space to pursue relationships that you would actually want.

How? Get a piece of paper. Figure out a single issue that really gets your goat about the relationship. Do a blow-by-blow account of what she did, and what you did regarding it.** Try to stay factual It doesn't have to be perfect, a few points need to just go down. Refer to it later if you're feeling sour about her. I did something like this and it helped me get on with my days. Don't worry about colourful language there--it may help you later. Because this will refer to the pwBPD in your life; and exploring your feelings exactly,*** do consider translating your findings on Detaching.

What's more, if being in a relationship with the pwBPD made you better at deconstructing a fight, why not use that skill to help you rather than help her?

Good luck! 


* Adapted from reference, pg299, 2009 reprint.
** Adapted from reference, pg145, 2006.
*** Reference.

[The Cat in d Hat]

Yes, telling yourself to think they're deceased is one way you might do it. The "benefit" to us is obvious:Yes--I'll share that a world where this person doesn't exist, that felt good for me. We simply escape from whatever we truly might benefit from dealing with. We know this in our hearts--that's why it tends to backfire on us.* E.g., do I truly have an anger management issue, is there some truth to "being OCD", can I fix them before my next relationship. We nons know--of all the parties on the board--escaping is easy, emotional work is hard.

If you're up for it, and the emotions have settled for you, you might consider other outcomes. E.g., this is a human, she has an issue--I've thought a relationship over and concluded the way it must work isn't what I actually want with anyone. That way, you can realistically and more truthfully settle what you've learned from the experience. That will give you space to pursue relationships that you would actually want.

How? Get a piece of paper. Figure out a single issue that really gets your goat about the relationship. Do a blow-by-blow account of what she did, and what you did regarding it.** Try to stay factual It doesn't have to be perfect, a few points need to just go down. Refer to it later if you're feeling sour about her. I did something like this and it helped me get on with my days. Don't worry about colourful language there--it may help you later. Because this will refer to the pwBPD in your life; and exploring your feelings exactly,*** do consider translating your findings on Detaching.

What's more, if being in a relationship with the pwBPD made you better at deconstructing a fight, why not use that skill to help you rather than help her?

Good luck! 


* Adapted from reference, pg299, 2009 reprint.
** Adapted from reference, pg145, 2006.
*** Reference.

Yep, I’ve come to terms with the situation. What I’ve learned is to communicate better. Problem is she chose the venue to be text, as they apparently often do. I ignored her, she felt abandoned, and went NC/split me black. I tried to approach her, not knowing it doesn’t matter what I say, instead making things worse with bad communication, came off as manipulative, emotionally blackmailing. Even if it wasn’t my intention, it’s good to know there’s something I can improve. Communication.

As for her? I’m not worried, she’s not coming back, the things I unknowingly said i think are historically what they are afraid and get that permanent black paint. I’m still sad knowing there’s someone who hates me now like this, but that’s not in my control. I was being a bit obsessive about this whole situation and aftermath, made this bigger than it was. The little hurt will go away real soon too.

[gotbushels]

Yep, I’ve come to terms with the situation. ... .
What I’ve learned is to communicate better.

  Nice. Yes, communication.    Me too--before I learned JADE--I was J-ing and E-ing all the way into the wee hours of the morning.

[bus boy]

I think they can fake it very well. In us nons we can have empathy towards someone we don't like very much if something happens to them, sickness or death or what ever but with the BPD or my Xw anyway she could care less if something happened to someone she's split. Xw had 2 aunts die of cancer, she didn't bat an eyelash. She was cold and emotionless towards them and there families, she put her aunts out of her life for no reason, for years and one of her aunts requested on her death bed that Xw was not to be present at the wake or funeral and Xw took this request right in the nose. If being empathic suits them, makes them look good to the outside world than they will be the nicest person you ever met. Xw and I were in the city and we saw a homeless teenage girl, I wanted to give her money, Xw got pretty mean about it and said don't give her anything, everybody has the same chance in life and if she chose to be homeless that's her fault.

[AustenJ]

My diagnosed ex only appeared empathetic when it served her in order to mirror or control me. I was so burned out being empathetic and compassionate to her every moment of every day, that it was actually shocking when she appeared to be empathetic toward me, and I would mistake it for caring and love.

I could tell her something as serious as my mother had a heart attack one day, and she would never, ever bring it up again, like, "how's you're mom doing today?" or "When does your mom get out of the hospital?"It was totally out of sight and out of mind. But she would recall important things like getting her nails done and not picking the nail polish off the very next day... .

[once removed]

lets keep in mind that sympathy is different from empathy.

empathy is the ability to understand someones perspective (and different perspectives in general). sympathy is feeling sorry for them, and/or showing it.