After 2 months I'm still in pain.Same for her?

[randomuser94]

It's been 2 months since she broke up. She made sure to end it violently and spread the word of me being a monster to everyone. Everyone (from her side) think that  she;s doing fine, but after 2months+ she's in more pain that ever.
 I still had some few things at our old home and i visited her to pick them up. She got angry that i came to take my stuff... insulted me a lot. Told me how much of a fool she was and that it's the only thing she regrets in life(our relation). She had a suicide attempt a week ago(i think i'm the only one that knows-she told me). Today she told me that she has heart-related problems that the gets random nosebleeds a lot.
  She broke-up with me, insulted the crap out of me, forced me to leave the house but when i packed my things she went even more aggressive towards me.
  The only thing i have left in the house is my old PC. She will tell me a day when i should come to take it. After that is done there will most probably come a contact block between us. Everywhere she goes she describes me as a monster that ruined her happiness, but she acted nice to me when we met(even told me how much she loves me once).
  All she did tonight was to attack me and blame me for "not being good enough for her", for making her feel like she found her soul mate and ruined it.

  Does she feel something? Or is she just tearing me apart on purpose. Is she truly in pain as I see it or is it what she wants me to see? She is pushing me away but with every step i take in the direction she wants she hates me even more.
 If she's truly in pain... is it because she has feelings for me(strong feelings) that are combined with the fact that i'm trying to leave? Or is it because "she lost 2 years of her life that she regrets"? All i want is for this hell to end. I just want my happiness back.

[Speck]

Hello, randomuser94:

It sounds like you are definitely in the right place. I'm sorry for what brought you here but I'm glad you're with us. We help and support each other here.

I know you have moved out, but have you made a definitive decision to follow a detached path with this relationship? I hear you saying that you're ready "for this hell to end" and that you just want your happiness back. I get it and certainly understand why you would feel this way! But I'm also hearing some doubt as you are wondering what she is feeling in all this. This is also understandable.

If you don't yet know the answer to my question, that's okay. You will in time.

Just know you are among peers, here. Please tell us more when you're comfortable doing so and feel free to let us know how things are going for you.

Keep writing. Keep processing.


-Speck

[irishmarmot]

Hi just a word to let you know that you are not alone.  Hang in there, things will get better.  It just takes time.  We all know how you feel the pain is intense you just have to ride it out.  If you can gradually try to do things that you enjoy it will be difficult at first but as the months go by you'll start to feel better.  Accept how you feel right now and remember it is only temporary.

[randomuser94]

Hello, randomuser94:

I know you have moved out, but have you made a definitive decision to follow a detached path with this relationship? I hear you saying that you're ready "for this hell to end" and that you just want your happiness back. I get it and certainly understand why you would feel this way! But I'm also hearing some doubt as you are wondering what she is feeling in all this. This is also understandable.

I was thinking about blocking her once I completly move and take the time to focus on myself. I think this will end any chance of use getting back together in the future due to seeing this as abandoment from my side, but i can't see any other solution for me right now.

I am very confused about her feelings now more than ever. I don't know if what she tells me is a lie or not, and if it's true... why would she suffer for so long for a decission she made. All she does is describe our relation as something she hates, how we will never be together again, how low i'm in her eyes etc. If she means everything she says than why isn't she just moving on?Instead of moving on her condition is getting from bad to worse.

How long does a BPD suffer after a break-up? Is it common after 2years to pass 2months of depression? She spent those 2 months drinking herself to sleep every day combined with excesive drugs and sleeping pills. I even wonder if her heart issues and bleeding(if true) are also related to her depression.

[Speck]

Hello again, randomuser94:

I was thinking about blocking her once I completly move and take the time to focus on myself. I think this will end any chance of use getting back together in the future due to seeing this as abandoment from my side, but i can't see any other solution for me right now.

Well, if that's what you need to do in order to find clarity and peace, then I champion your doing whatever it takes to heal and to find YOU again.

I am very confused about her feelings now more than ever. I don't know if what she tells me is a lie or not, and if it's true... why would she suffer for so long for a decission she made. All she does is describe our relation as something she hates, how we will never be together again, how low i'm in her eyes etc. If she means everything she says than why isn't she just moving on?Instead of moving on her condition is getting from bad to worse.

In my experience with my uBPDw and in my didactic understanding, pwBPD have a very difficult time regulating their emotions. So... .when they feel an emotion, be it positive or negative, they feel the emotion more intensely than Nons do. If they are happy, then it's child-like prancing about and clapping. If it's sadness or anger, then it's all scorched earth. So... .this may be what's going on with your ex's behavior.

How long does a BPD suffer after a break-up?

Hard to say, but in my opinion, without proper treatment, a lifetime.

Is it common after 2years to pass 2months of depression?

Absolutely.

She spent those 2 months drinking herself to sleep every day combined with excesive drugs and sleeping pills.

She is emotionally hurting as well after the break up, and it sounds like this is how she is self-soothing.

I even wonder if her heart issues and bleeding (if true) are also related to her depression.

I don't know about those two particular physical attributes, but depression in general is a doozy and can wreck physical devastation on the body if chronic and untreated. Also, unhealthy behaviors/actions (drinking in excess/recreational drug use) performed while depressed only compound the issue.

Also, in my experience, pwBPD tend to over-report illnesses and other physical ailments when emotionally distressed because it meets their secondary needs, such as prompting for attention, pity, and rescuing behavior from Nons.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with the aftermath of this painful breakup. Asking questions and being curious about what in the heck happened speaks to your own ability/capacity for healing, resilience, and courage.

Keep writing. Keep processing!


-Speck

[Lucky Jim]

Hey randomuser, I echo Speck: do what you need to do to find clarity and peace.  I sense that you may be under the influence of F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt), which is what a pwBPD uses to control a Non's actions or to manipulate the Non's emotions.  Could you be feeling pressure in this way?  If so, you might want to step back and pause to evaluate what's really going on.  It's all about finding yourself and figuring out what is right for you, not the pwBPD.  You're the Captain of your Ship, right?

LuckyJim

[WeeJake]

Hey, I know exactly what you’re going through. It’s been six weeks since my husband left and I’ve been torturing myself trying to understand it all. I’m sure she will be feeling lots of pain and confusion but my husband described it as a course of action to prevent more pain in the future. I think however that the pain will stay with them in terms of guilt and that is probably what you are seeing now.

You have to look after yourself and try to stop the agonizing. That’s what I keep telling myself but it’s easier said than done!

Good luck and take care, it’s the worst feeling in the world.

Jake

[Jeffree]

If I had to guess, she is in pain, but not necessarily because she broke up with you or because you are no longer in her life. It is her own pain that has become exacerbated by her actions against you and anyone else who ventured close to her who she discarded. For now, you're the scapegoat. Tomorrow it could be a different ex, her boss, her mother or father, her sibling, another relative, a friend, etc.

Ultimately she lives with a deep well of pain that any and all of her compensatory behaviors doesn't stop so she lashes out at those closest to her.

Like LuckyJim says, do what you need to do for you now.

J

[Speck]

Hello, randomuser94:

How are things going for you?


-Speck

[randomuser94]

Hello, randomuser94:

How are things going for you?


-Speck

I;ve managed to escape the fog. I've started investing in me instead of spending time trying to read her feelings. She sent me a msg few days ago. The type of msg built to charm. I've seen trough it and it did not affected me.
  My friends and this forum were a great help to escape those feelings. I feel like there's still something in my heart for her. I'm not sure what. I get some weird tingling sensation when I see her or hear about her. Today or tomorrow I will take my lat things from her and initiate full NC. It's time to take control of my life back and keep it that way

[Speck]

Hello again, randomuser94:

It's great to hear back from you.

I have just a few things to add to some of your statements:

I've managed to escape the fog. I've started investing in me.

Well, that is great to hear! How have you been doing that?

I feel like there's still something in my heart for her. I'm not sure what.

I hope you know that this is perfectly normal. You loved her.

It's time to take control of my life back and keep it that way.

Yes, the more aware and centered we are in the things that drive our own motivations, emotions, needs, and wants, the healthier we are for others in our lives. I champion your resolute stance, here.

Keep writing if it helps.


-Speck