I no longer want the burden of her love anymore

[Happynlife]

Greetings, 

This is my introduction to the BPD forum,

I am now at 6 months no contact with my uBPDgf of 11 years.   We both met each other as a rebound relationship.  I was recently separated from my ex-wife and was feeling very vulnerable.  I was only interested in casually dating women to distract me from the emotional pain of my divorce (I know it sounds like a BPD trait).    I wasn’t looking at getting into a serious relationship when I met uBPDgf, but I could not resist the love bombs and the attention she gave me when I craved it the most.  Initially I thought she was out of my league for looks, as I would consider myself an average looking guy, so that added to the allure of her as well.

The first 8 months were mostly good as she was a completely different woman then my ex-wife as she said and did things my ex-wife would never do.  But even with me loving her dearly,  I ended the relationship after 1 year as I needed closure with my ex-wife as we shared custody of a young child and I felt I could not fully love my uBPDgf until I had closure with my ex-wife.  During the 5 months that I attempted to see if I could save my marriage I never once was intimate with my ex-wife, did not even give her a hug.  We eventually got closure and divorced and I asked to get back together with uBPDgf.  First thing she asked was “did you have sex with her” and because I didn’t she took me back and that is when my life went into a tailspin.    Because I always felt guilty for leaving her to get closure with my ex-wife, I allowed her to get way with so much deceit and emotional abuse, because I “dumped her”.  This went on for the next 9 years, as I naively thought things would get better and she would mature, but sadly she never did and things only got worse.

A catalyst for the demise of our relationship was when she got bariatric surgery in 2014.  She always struggled with her weight, but it was never an issue for me as I always found her attractive as she was within my threshold of the weight I was attracted too.    After the surgery she thought everything in her life would be better.  And for the first 2 years it appeared to be.   She was more comfortable with her body and she would travel more and she could now wear any clothes she wanted too.   But this is also when the narcissistic traits came out in full.  Looking back, her narcissism was always there but it was repressed by her being so distracted about being so uncomfortable about her weight. 

There are too many things to list of the BPD chaos of our relationship, but to summarize she ended our relationship a total of 4 times, recycled me back 3 times, had a total of 2 new boyfriends during those times with one pregnancy that she aborted, and got her current boyfriend 3 weeks after the last discard 6 months ago.     She has been the only person I have been with since I met her in 2006 and her having these 3 boyfriends after she discarded me is embarrassing for me to say.  It emasculating to admit that I put up with such behavior from my supposed life partner.

Having gone through all the stages of anger, resentment, sadness, acceptance, and now learning and growth phase, I have come to sense of calmness in my life now.  She attempted to recycle me back 4 months ago, but I maintained no contact and will remain no contact for the rest of my life.   I no longer want the burden of her love anymore, as I can finally see the physical and mental toll this relationship took on me.  I still think about her often as it was 11 years together and I understand it will take time for me to get her out of my thoughts.   I am finally beginning to not feel any anger towards her anymore and feel sad for her and her life.  But this time she can’t manipulate and exploit my empathy for her as I am finally putting my needs above hers.  Every day it gets better and I get better.  I feel as though the worst is over and my path to being emotionally healthy is within reach now.  I am so thankful for all the great information out there about BPD including this forum and website, as this information is priceless for those of us that have suffered trying to have a healthy relationship with an emotionally disordered person

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Happynlife, Welcome!  I'm sorry to hear all that you've been through, but have to say that the general outline is quite familiar to most of us here.  Indeed, you are not alone in your struggle.  If I could make a suggestion: Don't beat yourself up!  Most of us Nons put up with a lot of unacceptable behavior.  Hey, you're human, like the rest of us.  It's about learning and growing from this point forward.  What would you say has helped you the most on your path towards recovery?  Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim

[Mutt]

Hi Happynlife,



I’d like to join Lucky Jin and welcome you to BPDDamily. Id also like to echo Lucky Jim don’t beat yourself up. You’re not alone many of us here have been in your shoes. Good for you that you know what you want and you to detach from your uBPDgf. It’s not easy but with the help of the group here you can get through it. I’d like to ask the same question as Lucky Jim What advice would you share with other newbies?

[Speck]

Welcome, Happynlife!

I just wanted to join the others in welcoming you to the forum.  I, too, was discarded four times and recycled three (over ten years), and certainly know how you feel. And, just like you, I beat myself up for rewarding my uBPDw's bad behavior, but I'm getting better at that. I hope you will as well.

Please tell us more when you're comfortable doing so and feel free to let us know how things are going for you. Someone here is always listening.

So welcome! Keep reading and posting, and I'm sure you'll get help and support (as I have).


-Speck

[Happynlife]

Thanks for the welcome,

What has helped me the most is learning as much information as I can about BPD.   Shari Schreiber’s “getting better” articles on BPD were my introduction to BPD, and I found them very helpful to finally read about my dysfunctional relationship.   The articles on this website were also very helpful, but the most influential source so far has been Margalis Fjelstad’s book “Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist”.  This book put everything into perspective, and showed me how to forgive and move past this chapter in my life with no regrets.

[Speck]

Hello again, Happynlife:

It's great to get an update from you!

I am so glad that you have found some resources and tools to use that have given you comfort and understanding as you come out of the FOG of a relationship with a pwBPD.

This book put everything into perspective and showed me how to forgive and move past this chapter in my life with no regrets.

You seem to have a handle on what this disorder is about and have chosen to become a seeker of information, so good for you!

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning!


-Speck