Guilt and indifference

[madkinitter]

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201405/the-borderline-mother

Have you read this article?  This is what I am struggling with.  I really don't like my mom but I feel obligated to her.  At this point in my healing journey I've accepted that I don't have a mom.  I've mourned the imagined relationship I thought we had or could have.  When I think about being close it makes me cringe because I can no longer imagine her being anything but who she actually is.  I don't require or miss the support or guidance, except maybe feeling upset that I have to question my parenting decisions constantly since I can't just do what was done "for" me.  Yet, I still feel guilty!  Shouldn't I love my mom?  Shouldn't I be grateful for the roof over my head and the food in my belly?  Will my own daughter feel the same way about me eventually?

I can imagine that my reaction to my mother and my lack of openness with her hurts.  Still I can not keep putting my hand on the stove expecting it to not burn this time. 

My mom has chosen to break off contact with me at the moment.  I know odd for a BPD.  Tomorrow is her birthday and I know she is waiting to see if I will reach out.  I have to say that right now my answer is no. 
I recently discovered that my uBPD mom has a blog and I'm really wondering if this is a battle worth fighting. We told immediate family a few weeks ago that we are expecting. I was deliberately vague about my due date after learnings with MIL who is also uBPD and our last pregnancy. Anyway all our extended family and anybody who might read her blog now know. I'm mad because I've been robbed of the opportunity to announce it and also who does that? I'm also pretty upset because she has posted pictures of me and my daughter on there without my permission. I'm tired of having to tell adults how to behave.

[Mutt]

Hi madkinitter,



I'm sorry that you went through that in your childhood. I just read that article thanks for sharing I like how it explains the differences between feeling guilty with parents with BPD, NPD and alcoholics. It will help someone else on this site.

I think that everyone wants and deserves to be unconditionally loved by their parents or caregivers and I also think that you have an advantage over your mother you're aware and you're adaptable to change, write down a list of all of the good qualities that you have. I can't speak to the guilt, I felt a lot of blame laid squarely on me and it took time to feel like I'm no longer responsible for guilty feelings I had a parent that projected all of their feelings on me and I felt responsible you know what I don't own those feelings.

It sounds like you might be split black if your mom stopped communicating with you, maybe she gets a sense of validation when she announced the news that you're expecting I don't have advice for you I'm so sorry that she took that away from you.

[madkinitter]

Hi Mutt,
Thanks for the response.  Yes I'm sure my mom has done some kind of mental Olympics to place herself in the role of the victim. 
I like the idea of writing a list of my good qualities that sounds like a good exercise. 
I decided I needed to seek out people who would understand because people from "normal," families get very offended when you don't show deference to your parents.  It can be so hard to cope when you know that even close friends may not be able to understand your perspective when it comes to the relationship you have with your parent.  So thank you! 

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Madknitter! 

Let me join Mutt in welcoming you to our online family.  You'll definitely find lots of others here who are struggling to cope and heal from the hurts of having someone with BPD in their life. My mom was an uBPD too, so I can understand some of the things you are going through. The common themes run throughout so many of our lives as we attempt to live with someone who has BPD.

I think this is a link that you might find helpful, especially given what you shared about other family members siding with your mom.

Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle

And this one as well:

Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

What do you think of these articles?

 
Wools

[cedarview]

Hi Madknitter,

My spouse and I took a much-needed "step back" from interacting with my uBPD Mom and my enabling, emotionally underdeveloped Dad. For one month we had no contact with them including blocking their #'s in my phone. Before we went no-contact I sent a carefully worded and compassionate e-mail to her explaining why we were doing it, and after the month was over I sent another e-mail explaining what we expected in the way of treatment going forward and that we wanted to get together again for another try. Her response was that she has given us the old silent treatment for going on 6 weeks at this point. My Dad and I got together last weekend and I was told that all of this is my (and my wife's) fault, that I need to "fix" it, and that my Mom found my e-mails to be threatening, insulting, abusive, etc. etc. etc. At some point during this she also fired her therapist (it was HARD to get her to go in the first place oh well LOL).

 I never really thought that I would end up totally estranged from my Mom. I thought that at some point she would snap out of it and realize that having a civil relationship with her son is worth changing her behavior. Unfortunately that doesn't appear to be the case. I empathize with the "mourning" of the death of the parent-child relationship. It is a cold realization also that, when looking back, emotional support and closeness won't be missed because they have never really been there anyway.

We live very close to my parents and we chose to do so when we started a family so that they could be very involved. One of the good things is that when you have kids it becomes easy to prioritize. Kids come first and everything else is secondary. My Mom's behavior is unhealthy and a bad example for them and so we stopped letting her have contact with them. Sad to say I would have probably put up with the emotional abuse for the rest of my life if it was just me in the picture. Now that they are not involved with our kids, we are starting to give some thought to moving away. My wife has often said regarding my Mom's behavior "This is why people move away from their parents" and I see that she is correct.

At this point I am trying to leave the ball in her court. If she wants contact, she will need to make it. Every day that goes by hurts a little less but the hurt is still there. Anyway, just wanted to let you know  that there are others out here in the same boat, dealing with similar challenges every day. And if I were you I would stop reading that blog. Nothing good will come out of that for you and she will continue to harm you emotionally through her words.

Cview

[madkinitter]

Hi Cedarview,

Thanks for your thoughtful words.  I live a 4 hour plane ride away from my family.  I made that decision when I was 22 and have never looked back.  There have been times when tensions are lower that I have thought it would be nice to have them close by to look after my older child on occasion. 

While the distance hasn't eliminated their impact in our lives I can imagine that the emotional weight and presence of a conflict or silence would be heavier.  I still feel it and they are quite far away.  This is actually why I started posting on here.  We have been no contact for the past week (she usually calls every other day at least).  It's her birthday today and even though she initiated this no contact (in my view) I feel myself wavering.  Not because I want to talk to her but because of good old, fear, obligation and guilt. 

One thing I am struggling with is that there is no outlet for the anger I feel.  I've accepted that she will not change I've accepted that I can't reason with her but there is still all this anger and adrenaline that I have nowhere to diffuse.  Another reason I am writing here.  I want to rage at my mother and tell her all the ways she has failed me but I know it will not be worth the fall out.

I'm wondering is this a common experience, and if so how do you deal with it?  Where do you put your anger that isn't destructive?

[CocoBelle]

One thing I am struggling with is that there is no outlet for the anger I feel.  I've accepted that she will not change I've accepted that I can't reason with her but there is still all this anger and adrenaline that I have nowhere to diffuse.  Another reason I am writing here.  I want to rage at my mother and tell her all the ways she has failed me but I know it will not be worth the fall out.

I'm wondering is this a common experience, and if so how do you deal with it?  Where do you put your anger that isn't destructive?

Hi madkinitter!

I read this post a few days ago but it's taken me a bit of time to get round to replying - and I really wanted to reply to this one because this is something I have struggled with too! Anger, oh my god... .the anger! I have been so angry in my past that I've sometimes questioned myself, and of course been questioned, as to whether anything might be wrong with ME, when in reality everything was wrong around me. The injustice of someone lying to your face, manipulating you, or twisting words in your mouth just as you say them... .I think my mother suffers from BPD and she has often brought me to a boiling point. It wasn't so long ago she was staying in my apartment for a while and my partner had forgotten to unlock the bathroom door after he'd been in there (we have a back door in our bathroom that leads straight into our bedroom) so that when she wanted to go to the toilet in the night, she couldn't get in. Of course, instead of just knocking on our door and asking us to open up, she bottled it up and waited until the morning to tell us. She had gone outside in the night and peed in the forest, and in the morning she screamed her head off at me saying that I was such an evil, evil, evil little bitch, and how could I be so awful to my own mother? She never knew I was capable of being so maliciously and incredibly EVIL! I was, of course, stunned. However, I was also scared the second I got up and saw that the bathroom door was locked. I told my partner immediately, "honey, you forgot to unlock the bathroom door!" He said, "Oh dear, I'm sorry," and wasn't too fussed about it. I felt like screaming at him, "No, you don't know what this means! This is going to be a disaster!" And lo and behold, it WAS a disaster. She was so mad at me, but of course... .I got mad back, I boiled up and over and I shouted, "I'm sorry but it was my husband! It was my husband that locked the door by mistake! It was a mistake!" But even after I said that she kept on repeating herself and saying, "You're so evil! I can't believe it! I had to pee outside in the forest like a disgusting homeless person! I can't believe how much you hate me!" And then, out of sheer desperation and frustration and hopelessness, I screamed at her about six times, "It wasn't me It wasn't me It wasn't me It was a mistake!" ... .and you know what? She just kept on going and blaming me.

Anyway... .I think that is a very illustrative example of something that can unleash anger. To be honest I haven't found a way to deal with it yet. But I just wanted to let you know that, oh my god, I know EXACTLY what you mean. I was a bit lucky in that I found an outlet in sports, but of course that was also a channel for some self-destruction, I used to workout so hard that I would hurt myself, but the hurt and pain was the only thing that could numb the anger, nothing ever took it away. However, hindsight and therapy are some things that are helping a lot. Therapy, for obvious reasons, but also hindsight (seeing as I'm an adult now and have moved out, finally) because looking back I am now learning that it was NOT my fault, it still isn't my fault, but that my mother is the one with the issues, not me (and my sister has BPD too, same thing there... .) and that knowledge is helping me move forward, grow, and find some peace. I find myself getting less angry these days due to distancing myself from it all, and telling myself, I am not the issue, they are ill, they need help, they are suffering - it has nothing to do with me, it's not personal!

Did you ever end up contacting your mum for her birthday? It's my mum's 60th next week. Birthdays are a big deal in itself but I feel like this one is extra special, yet at the moment she's giving me the silent treatment. I don't know yet if I should reach out or not either, I feel like reaching out will be an admission of guilt and also an opening for more passive aggressive treatment "Oh, so NOW you suddenly care again? Are you contacting me just because you feel bad for me, or what?"

Sigh... .

 

[madkinitter]

Hi CocoBelle,

Thanks so much for commiserating with me.  It helps to know that I am not alone. 

Mom's birthday I didn't say anything to her until around 8pm when she messaged me, "Nothing special about today?"  I talked to my husband about it and he said to just do what was socially minimally expected of me so I just messaged back "Happy Birthday Mom."  She didn't say anything but has been trying to call me a few times over the last week.  I'm not sure if I did the right thing or the wrong thing.  I'm not sure if I'm improving the situation or making it worse but I do know that I don't WANT to talk to her.  I don't miss HER.  The only feelings I have about it really are guilt and anger.  I'm pregnant with my second child right now and I had numerous health complications with my first all of which are made worse by stress.  In the interest of keeping stress at a minimum I've had really hard boundaries around my pregnancy.  I know not everyone will understand why I'm not divulging my due date or telling every detail to everyone but as a human being its my right to choose how I feel comfortable and to be as open or closed as I choose.  Of course carrying her grandchild makes my mother feel even more entitled to me and I'm sure a lot of people would agree with her, but too bad. 

[YouHadMeAtHello]

Hi Madkinitter

My mom isn't BPD, but I have a sister that is and the article was still valuable to me.  I have that same combination of intense anger with guilt and indifference.  Some days I hate my sister so much.  Other days I feel very guilty that I am so angry with her.  Ultimately, I know she's sick but it doesn't really make it any easier to deal with her. 

Just like you with texting your mom on your birthday, I have occasions where I think I should reach out to my sister and I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing.  It's tough.  I think what you did was fine though, there's really no right answer in dealing with BPD, IMO.  Anyway, the feeling that you only talk to your mom out of FOG, I have the same thing with my sister.  She's made my life so difficult for so long that I don't really have any desire to see or talk to her.  At least not how she is now.  If I could go back to the sister I had 15 years ago, maybe I would, but even then she was hyper sensitive and a bit of a pain in the ass.