Almost Three Years Out...Ex and Fiancee Buying a Home Together

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi All,
  I know I haven't posted much lately... .work is crazy this time of year and I have a lot going on personally (non BPD-ex related)... .however... .

Yesterday, a friend pointed out that my ex's fiancée put her home on the market and they are moving to a new house.

Of course, now I have a lot of "feels" I am processing. On one hand, I have a internal sense of relief. My ex and her fiancée curently live about five miles from me. A part of me is excited they may finally be leaving my immediate area (I grew up here) yet at the same time, news of this has me struggling. Recently, my ex's sister also moved (who I work with). It's nice to finally have these people out of my immediate area 

Many, many of us have posted here in regards to this struggle. I am dealing with the feeling of WHY. Why was this person so, so nasty to me (unprovoked), so abusive yet she has seemed to build a life with someone else... .get engaged, buy a new home with relative ease? This person who was swimming in debt, lawsuits and completely unresponsible. How is this fricking working?

Ours was a relationship from h e l l pretty much from month one. She left me many times, cheated, verbally abused me, physically attacked me. How the h e l l is this not happening to my replacement, a well to do woman who is very insecure, likes to call the shots and is on social media all the time (the one thing about me that drove my ex nuts)? This girl likes every post by everybody. She friends everyone she's just met. It's quite interesting to witness. In the brief time period we were friends, while I was still with my ex, her now fiancée, that really stood out to me. I found it strange how she liked everything anyone posted, no matter what it was. She has a strong need to be liked (as many of us do) and is clearly co-d.

Now I know this is my mind also playing with me, these self-doubts. Recently, my ex has been reaching out to people who unfriended her when we broke up. She is emailing them on FB and actually saying to them I am likely the reason.

Why is she doing this after 3yrs? Still blaming me when she cheated and left. I did NOTHING to this person. When she left I cut all contact and that was that. I have never attempted to reach out to her and I never will.

Do I truly believe things are going well in her current relationship? No, I don't. She actually contacted an ex of HER ex to tell her that ex's boyfriend just passed and her mother died.

This poor woman was in a abusive relationship with my ex's ex and thought it was nuts she was reaching out (perhaps to triangulate). Who knows, but she did not respond to her.

I made the mistake of looking at my ex's FB and of course, she has her page on lockdown but has posted one public post that their house is on the market and they are moving.

I know this is intentional.
I know she does this to garner a response (and it works obvi)
I also know when her sister doesn't like her posts it means she is not approving of the situation. Her sister has not liked anything in regards to their engagement nor their moving. It is clear this likely isn't going well... .

but why do I care so much?

When will I ever get past wanting them to crash and burn? I am not an angry, vengeful person. A part of me sometimes feels like I will only move on once they are finished.
and I still want that badly. I want to witness it for vindication of sorts, although I know it won't really benefit me in anyway nor make me happier.

How the h e ll do I get past this?

PW

[Pretty Woman]

Hi All,
  I know I haven't posted much lately... .work is crazy this time of year and I have a lot going on personally (non BPD-ex related)... .however... .

Yesterday, a friend pointed out that my ex's fiancée put her home on the market and they are moving to a new house.

Of course, now I have a lot of "feels" I am processing. On one hand, I have a internal sense of relief. My ex and her fiancée curently live about five miles from me. A part of me is excited they may finally be leaving my immediate area (I grew up here) yet at the same time, news of this has me struggling. Recently, my ex's sister also moved (who I work with). It's nice to finally have these people out of my immediate area 

Many, many of us have posted here in regards to this struggle. I am dealing with the feeling of WHY. Why was this person so, so nasty to me (unprovoked), so abusive yet she has seemed to build a life with someone else... .get engaged, buy a new home with relative ease? This person who was swimming in debt, lawsuits and completely unresponsible. How is this fricking working?

Ours was a relationship from h e l l pretty much from month one. She left me many times, cheated, verbally abused me, physically attacked me. How the h e l l is this not happening to my replacement, a well to do woman who is very insecure, likes to call the shots and is on social media all the time (the one thing about me that drove my ex nuts)? This girl likes every post by everybody. She friends everyone she's just met. It's quite interesting to witness. In the brief time period we were friends, while I was still with my ex, her now fiancée, that really stood out to me. I found it strange how she liked everything anyone posted, no matter what it was. She has a strong need to be liked (as many of us do) and is clearly co-d.

Now I know this is my mind also playing with me, these self-doubts. Recently, my ex has been reaching out to people who unfriended her when we broke up. She is emailing them on FB and actually saying to them I am likely the reason.

Why is she doing this after 3yrs? Still blaming me when she cheated and left. I did NOTHING to this person. When she left I cut all contact and that was that. I have never attempted to reach out to her and I never will.

Do I truly believe things are going well in her current relationship? No, I don't. She actually contacted an ex of HER ex to tell her that ex's boyfriend just passed and her mother died.

This poor woman was in a abusive relationship with my ex's ex and thought it was nuts she was reaching out (perhaps to triangulate). Who knows, but she did not respond to her.

I made the mistake of looking at my ex's FB and of course, she has her page on lockdown but has posted one public post that their house is on the market and they are moving.

I know this is intentional.
I know she does this to garner a response (and it works obvi)
I also know when her sister doesn't like her posts it means she is not approving of the situation. Her sister has not liked anything in regards to their engagement nor their moving. It is clear this likely isn't going well... .

but why do I care so much?

When will I ever get past wanting them to crash and burn? I am not an angry, vengeful person. A part of me sometimes feels like I will only move on once they are finished.
and I still want that badly. I want to witness it for vindication of sorts, although I know it won't really benefit me in anyway nor make me happier.

How the h e ll do I get past this?

PW

[heartandwhole]

but why do I care so much?

When will I ever get past wanting them to crash and burn? I am not an angry, vengeful person. A part of me sometimes feels like I will only move on once they are finished.
and I still want that badly. I want to witness it for vindication of sorts, although I know it won't really benefit me in anyway nor make me happier.

How the h e ll do I get past this?

Hi PW,

I can understand your feelings. Many of us have felt that witnessing a crash and burn would help our recovery. I think it’s fairly common, and I’ve had my moments for sure.

Do you think it stems from the belief that many of us share that we are not good enough ? If our ex’s crash and burn after being with us, it confirms our belief that we were blameless and okay, while they were screwed up.

If they appear to do well after us, then, as you say the painful self doubts come in and we start looking at the possibility that part of what they accused us of might be true— maybe there IS something fundamentally wrong with us?

I think these beliefs/thoughts about ourselves are what really get us wound up.

Don’t know if that resonates, but know that you are definitely not alone. In my experience, these doubts pass, especially when I have the courage to feel them.

I also take whatever I see on FB with a huge grain of salt.  

heartandwhole

[juju2]

wow, am sorry you are going thru this.
My story is more about saving a r/s, although I do deal w bad thoughts, re pwBPD.

for me, (you can read my posts) am 1 yr out, we separated 3-4-17, I thought to work on ourselves after our 10 yr r/s living together... .we saw eachother almost every week, I was there for his surgery in apr, we took his dtr and her kids on vacation w us.  He and i took a total of 7 trips, april-sept, 2017.

in October he told me he is dating others.
In nov. we started couples counseling.  (we couldn't get in earlier)we are still going.

The one thing that i am having trouble w is forgiving him for being w someone else.

I won't go in to all the details, and i don't know what is happening.  I am not making sense to myself, half the time.

I want to be forgiving, I did blind side him, he says later, he forgot we separated to work on ourselves.
He thought I didn't love him anymore... .



I think it is a stage I am going thru.  Think it is residual of stuff I haven't dealt with... .

Be gentle with yourself.

When I can see what I am doing (thinking)
It is a lot easier to deal with.  I journal, meet w a close friend, or call her, I get it all out.  

You are doing the right thing by posting here.

It does get better.  



forgive yourself if you have bad days.

blessings,  j

[Mutt]

Many, many of us have posted here in regards to this struggle. I am dealing with the feeling of WHY. Why was this person so, so nasty to me (unprovoked), so abusive yet she has seemed to build a life with someone else... .get engaged, buy a new home with relative ease? This person who was swimming in debt, lawsuits and completely unresponsible. How is this fricking working?

Anything worth substance in life doesn’t come easily, these are all materialistic things it doesn’t cure the disorder in order to get better you have to do the work.  It gets more complicated when you’re married and you buy a home read the stories on the legal board these are really difficult divorces I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=10.0

I agree with heartandwhole don’t measure self worth with their engagement or home.

I also agree with juju6860 take really good care of yourself do something special and pamper yourself.

[Speck]

Hello, Pretty Woman:

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I have a few things to add:

Of course, now I have a lot of "feels" I am processing.

Totally understandable. Fresh news of this nature brings on another round of agony, doesn't it?

Many, many of us have posted here in regards to this struggle. I am dealing with the feeling of WHY. Why was this person so, so nasty to me (unprovoked), so abusive yet she has seemed to build a life with someone else... .get engaged, buy a new home with relative ease? This person who was swimming in debt, lawsuits and completely unresponsible. How is this fricking working?

I have had sort of the same thoughts. When my uBPDw kept walking out on our relationship (four times in 10 years!), I would see other more established couples, and wonder how in the world are they still married? Like how does the dude get his wife to stay?

Answer? His wife is probably normal.

Ours was a relationship from h e l l pretty much from month one. She left me many times, cheated, verbally abused me, physically attacked me.

I'm so sorry you experienced this.

How the h e l l is this not happening to my replacement?

Unless your ex has received MUCH self-awareness and therapy, it probably will.

She has a strong need to be liked (as many of us do) and is clearly co-d.

Co-dependents and cluster B personalities go together like peanut butter and jelly.

Why is she doing this after 3yrs? Still blaming me when she cheated and left. I did NOTHING to this person.

Blame is the name of the game with pwBPD. I know you know this, but I hear your frustration.

but why do I care so much?

Because you loved her, and haven't quite gotten over her. And, that's okay. It's just where you are right now.

When will I ever get past wanting them to crash and burn?

When you see them in the grocery store, smile at them, halfheartedly wave, and then immediately think, "Oh, crap! I just passed the tomatoes! I really like those little, yellow cherry deals."

I am not an angry, vengeful person. How the h e ll do I get past this?

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, PW. I don't know the answer to this. My road is, no doubt, long as well. Writing about it here can help. Father time. Meditation. New Projects.


-Speck