Pregnant and He does not show affection

[Confused1017]

Hello All,

I’m feeling very sad right now- my uBPD friend/bf has this weird thing where he doesn’t really like to kiss/make out.  I don’t know if he just is NOT into kissing, Or if He just does Not Want to Kiss Me?  It just does Not Make Any sense to me- he likes spending time with me, he always initiates us hanging out and doing things together; he Usually initiates sex with me, and when I stay over his place, he puts his arms around me, hugs me, cuddles.  We act like a couple in every other way, but he has this weird thing about kissing, and I’ve asked Him, but he never gives me a straight answer- he diverts.   I’ve tried to get an answer SO many times, but to no Avail!  I’ve posted on here before: “Pregnant with BPD and So Confused."

Here’s the Kicker- I’m now Pregnant w his child! He knows this- he has been happy about it, and he just told me ToDay that his Mom will Be in town soon, and that HE WANTS Me to Meet his Mom?  So, What’s the Problem?  WHy won’t He Make out with me?  We’re having a BABY and he Always wants to spend time w me!  And, I am Very clean and hygienic! Lol! I’m very “girly”- I care about my appearance, my hygiene, etc., I even workout lightly, even though I’m pregnant.

Ps- My uBPD Friend/BF does smoke ALoT of Marijuana, which I Am NOT happy about, but I’ve been told that all that smoking does make one’s Breath smell Unpleasant?  Is this maybe the reason- maybe He is self-conscious about his “marijuana” breath?   I have NO idea, but I feel like I’ve been degraded, like, he can sleep with me, but he can’t kiss me.  I’ve NEVER had this issue with Any Man before.   Please help- any advice is greatly appreciated! Thank you, Confused1017

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[Mutt]

Hi Confused1017,



Congrats! Have you tried a romantic setting? Make  dish with candles low lights talk and get in the mood for kissing?

[Confused1017]

Thank you, Mutt, for your response! I’ve kind of tried that, and yes, we have kissed in the past, it’s Just kind of rare.  You are right though- I am going to try to do something extra romantic and special for him this weekend.  I know he finds me attractive- he always says I’m pretty and he finds me sexy, etc.   

I forgot to add- I think he also has Control issues.  He once blubbered like a baby when he assumed I would leave him over something he told me.  I told him I would NOT leave him/stop hanging out with him over that.  And I kept my word.

But it seems that he enjoys feeling a sense of power or control- like, he’s denying me something he Knows I want.  I’ve seen him do this in other scenarios too when we first started seeing each other.  I think MayBE he is afraid to Lose Control; maybe he’s Afraid to Get “Too Close” to Me, and that’s His Way of keeping some sort of a “safe” distance?  But when I’ve asked him if it’s that, he Never Answers Me, and He will deflect and Say I’m giving him a Hard time, making a big deal out of something small, etc, or Something Along those lines.   
Do you think it could be that?  ALSO,  was it a BAD IdeA for me to ask him directly, if he’s afraid of getting too close to me?  I’ve also mentioned the push/Pull thing to him, but He doesn’t give me An answer to that Either.

Please HELP! Any Advice/Thought, etc is greatly appreciated! Thank you, Confused1017

[Radcliff]

confused1017,

As I mentioned on your other thread, I can personally relate to how bad it can feel if kissing is important to you and is not something your partner is willing to do.

In my relationship, I noticed that the more I seemed to want something, and if I asked for it, the less my wife was willing to give it to me.  She felt that by agreeing to my request, she'd be giving in to my "control" and it was very important to her not to do that.  This left me in the unnatural position of not being able to express my needs in the relationship.

The classic way to ask a pwBPD for something is to use the D.E.A.R.M.A.N. technique.  It might take some creativity to apply it in this situation, but it's a good technique to work with.  Take a look, and tell us what you think!

I'm hoping we can get some of our female members to reply here, especially if they've faced a similar situation and had some success.

WW

[pearlsw]

hey Confused101,

just jumping in with my quick thoughts. i don't want to project, but many, many years ago i very briefly "dated" someone who was not into kissing. he did it at first, but in short order it came out that he just didn't like kissing. i assure you it wasn't about me.  

so, long story short, i'm guessing your guy isn't into kissing. believe him. it's not about the smoking, or you.

what is it about? unless he says we can't be sure... .kissing is incredibly intimate... .maybe the sensations/intimacy are too much?

if you think it is about control... .trust that but it could be other things... .

the guy i knew, and one reason i did not keep hanging out with him, sat on the floor and threw a tantrum like a child. anyway... .

so if we set aside the idea of him changing on this... .how do you feel about it?

with compassion, pearl.

[Confused1017]

Thank you WW and Pearlsw for your helpful replies!

[Confused1017]

Thank you WW and Pearlsw for your helpful replies!  So I saw him again last night, he made us dinner, we watched a movie,’and he asked me to sleep over.  He also needed a ride (cuz he can’t drive right now) to go to his daughter’s baseball draft.   Everything was fine mostly,  then just about 1-2 hours ago, i tried giving him a small kiss, and he moved away and said that I shouldn’t get annoyed because he doesn’t feel the same way I do about something.?  I am not Totally Sure what He Meant by that, but He Wouldn’t Elaborate!    Then I tried giving him a tap kiss on his cheek, and he simply pulled away.  It honestly feels like crap and it feels like rejection, despite him wanting to hang out with me.  Hello, I’m having your baby, but me kissing you on the cheek apparently grossed him out or Something like that?   It sucks.
I Don’t know what to do!   Any thoughts, advice would be really appreciated, thank you, Confused1017

[once removed]

It honestly feels like crap and it feels like rejection, despite him wanting to hang out with me. 

we all like what we like and dont like what we dont like. thats about us and not necessarily unique to how we otherwise feel toward someone.

think of it this way: some people are big on public displays of affection. some people are terrified (or uncomfortable) with it. some people are in the middle, where some things, in some situations, are okay some of the time. lets say youre either terrified of it, or only mildly comfortable with it sometimes. then lets say your partner starts aggressively making out with you in a crowd of strangers, at an inappropriate time.

you dont like your partner less. youre not rejecting him as a person. youre just not comfortable with what your partner did. if they were to keep doing it, youd probably feel pretty put off.

these sorts of things, preferences, do come up in romantic relationships. when they do, we communicate them, respect them, and we build on what works and makes both partners happy.

hes been upfront with you about the kissing and his affection for you, in both words and actions. he just doesnt like kissing. you do. you cant make him like it more, and if you try, it will push him away, and you will feel rejected. double bind.

accept that kisses will be rare (or dont, if this is a deal breaker), enjoy them when they happen. build on means of affection that you both like, and make the two of you feel connected and satisfied.

[Confused1017]

Hi once removed and thank you for your helpful reply! .  It IS Possible that he just isn’t “into” kissing in general, but it still makes me doubt his feelings for me.  I don’t know if you had read my first post, but when he originally found out I was pregnant, he acted like and said that he wanted “nothing to do with me” and that he would ONLY “be there for the baby when he arrives!”!   He showed NO interest in getting to know me better, he’d go days and even a couple of weeks without communicating with me.  And on top of all that, I found out that he lied to me about when he tried to get his ex-wife back.   He went to England on his 2nd deployment in the navy, they had already been apart/divided for 1.5-2.5 YEars, maybe even Longer, but he brought His ex Wife back little trinkets/presents from London and books about being a better Dad.  He also wrote a few notes, inside a book and separately, BeGGING Her to Come Back to Him and “get their family back together.”
 The Ex-wife, mind you, was Already living with her new Boyfriend and Pregnant At that time w the NEW BF’s Child.  He Told the ex wife that He didn’t CARE And that he would raise that child as well as his own child?  What the heck?  Sometimes, I think he never really let her go or let that go?

I recently found out that he LIED Also about What Year he Begged for her Back and bought her these souvenirs/gifts, whatever.  He told me it was way back in 2011, but Truly, Really, it was like the Middle Of 2013/2014... .  Not ALL that Long Ago!  I can’t help but think with His Ex Wife, He probably was all Kissy and touch-ey and Affectionate!  Maybe he just isn’t INTO Me that Way, you Know?  And he didn’t buy me a Christmas present or anything.  I don’t want to feel like I’m second to anyone, especially not An Ex! .  He claims he doesn’t feel that way anymore, but then, why Lie about the Trip to England and the DATES of when he went and declared his love to her, while she was Pregnant w Another Man’s Child?    Please help, it would be greatly appreciated.   Sincerely, Confused1017

[Radcliff]

Confused1017, it's a pretty tough situation to be in, wondering what's going on inside someone else's head.  I'm sorry you're in this frustrating spot!

One thing that can be handy in this situation is to turn things around and look at ourselves (we're likely to be more successful getting inside our own heads  )

Can you tell us a little about what attracted you to your friend/bf?  What about him makes you feel good?

Can you also tell us a little about what you're looking for in a partner?  What are your hopes and dreams?

WW

[pearlsw]

Hi Confused1017,

The last thing you wanna do is compare yourself to someone’s ex, okay? Can I get you to consider not doing that for now and forever?

My h’s first marriage was arranged. They had a wedding, three kids… He and I didn’t. Most of our furniture is from their marriage. None of this matters. At all.

I dealt with years of “blowback” from their troubled marriage. I have worked to overcome this. That’s what matters - trying your best.

He was with her then, you are now. Stay in the now.

with compassion, pearl.