She cut me off and is so cold—I feel guilty and wish I could turn back time.

[guilttripped9000]

Hello BPD Family!
My third post here and I'm really praying that someone could give me some advice or even closure. I feel like my life has come to an end. That was a punch right in my face and I can't tell right from wrong anymore. Oh if I could turn back time...

Short background: I had a FWB with a girl, who constantly wanted a relationship and told me she loved me. After some back and forth and many discussions, she turned really cold on me because I started to become weak, confused and depressive over all the things that happened. I accused her of having Borderline and she totally split me black and gave me no closure.

Yesterday after 1 1/2 months of NC, I saw her at a party. I ignored her, she ignored me, everything was "fine". She was there with her sister and because I knew that my exFWB would never tell me the truth or give me closure, I chatted with the sister there. I told her my story and she said that my FWB often splits people black, when they have done something wrong and that I would never ever get a chance to talk normally to her again. She said she and her best friend also could not understand, why I had become so heartless and accused her of having borderline out of the blue, after they both really liked me. She said she has her own opinion and view of the story and that she could understand me and felt sorry for me, but also told me that things will never be the same and that I got to let her go, especially because she has some problems with relationships. What I found really funny, was the fact that the sister told me that my exFWB has not a new guy, but sees another guy, which she didn't even find attractive, when I was with her.

So, you would think that I finally got closure and yes I felt a bit better afterwards. Until my exFWB came over to me and started talking. I felt like I was going to die and right now I'm dying.
I told her, how much it hurts and how bad it is that she just cut me out off her life, because of one big mistake. I always had taken her back after all the things she did and she just sees only negative things in me forever, I told her that I had given her my everything and all and she would just split me black, which is just hard to bear. She than told me that she really sees only the negative things in me and that I nearly gave her Borderline because I nearly told her into having it. She said that I constantly focussed on her problems and that I did not see the positives in her and that she did not want any help ever. Right now, she is doing really fine in her opinion and all her problems have gone away, she seems free of all the problems and it was my fault to see only her problems and had a focus on finding a solution for them. She even got to know a guy, with whom she has no problems or conflicts and who is really fine for her. Furthermore I called her out on her lies with old Whatsapp Conversations and she said that I am crazy that I still got them. She said, her behavior was normal and everynone has bad days, especially because of girl's hormons. She told me also to never contact her again and that she blocked me everywehere, even my phonenumber. And all the time I talked with her she smiled and laughed and really seemed to enjoy the conversation, I don't believe it.
She now seems to be the girl, I always wanted and that is just so hard. I feel like, I was guilty for her problems and that everything was my fault, that I should not have helped her and that I could have given her a better life, if I had acted differently. She also told me that she never loved me and that is just too much to handle. For what have I fought in the last seven months? Why did she want a relationship with me, when she never loved me and why did she talk so much about me than that she even got on her friends nerves? It all does not make any sense and it never will, I will never get closure. Who was she and who is she? Why are all her problems gone and why did she act so poor? I feel like this is the end for me, I won't be able to trust any woman anymore, I just wasted 6 months of my life for nothing. While she is riding in the sunset, I am sitting here, eating my heart out, crying and without anbody really understanding me. I ask myself, if she had loved me and if I acted differently, would there have been a chance?

PLEASE HELP! I am sad af. How could she turn so cold on me? Yes, we had conflicts and yes I have made one or two huge mistakes, but is this a good reason, to cut out somebody off completeley? I miss the old her, the one, who would always come back and never said a word against me- the girl, who would only see my positives and who would never be able to leave me or to be angry at me. I miss the old times with her.

[heartandwhole]

Hi guildtripped9000,



I'm sorry that you are hurting right now. I can understand that. Most of us here have been through something similar. Being cutoff is very painful—it was for me, too. You are not alone!

I know it doesn't feel like it now, but things do get better. You can get through this. I came here shattered and depressed. I came out of it, and so have many others here. You can too.   

Was this a casual relationship that turned into a romance? Were you both on the same page about where it was heading?

One thing I've learned is that two people in a relationship can be having radically different experiences of it.

Keep posting. We're here to support you through this.

heartandwhole

[dumpsterdog]

HI... .I feel you pain... .i've have been destroyed by my exBPD for nearly 6 years ... .so I understand... some days , when i feel like i've finally accepted the fact that she is gone and that It was not my fault, that is exact;y when she calls an rubs salt into the wound. Especially when i meet a new girl and start dating, its like the ex knows and reconnects just enough to make me not follow through with any new dating interest... .my advice,, as much as it sucks... .pretend that any contact with her will ruin your life over and over again... .BECAUSE IT WILL... .and do not let her engage you... .she is like a life sucking parasite, that will drain you of all physical and emotional resources... .its an addiction , like a drug... .one is never enough, if you let her get in your head again, you will continue to try to logically figure her out, and slowly expect her to re engage as a dating relationship, which she never will... .treat her as an addiction and replay the tape in your head of how how you were devastated when she dumped you and you found out she was soo sweet to other prospects  right in your face... .its who she is... .it wont change. If you like to be hurt , then let her re engage you, if you want to be able to move on... .you can have no contact with her whatsoever... .sorry... .BPD exs are like getting bit by a rattlesnake... .once you get bit , you have to wake up and realize its life threatening, and you should stay far away from rattlesnakes, because all they know how to do is bite you... .again, and again, until you die... .sorry, but that's the best analogy i can give you.


good luck... .detach, disengage, and find a safe place to heal away from the rattlesnake pit. And pray for wisdom and courage to follow a new path

[zeus123]

Dumpsterdog I like the analogy of the rattlesnake!

[guilttripped9000]

First of all, thank you to all your responses!
@heartandwhole: Well, I don't think we were even on the same book! I just came out of another toxic relationship and told her that I needed tiime to trust again and she pushed forward to a relationship, but I wanted to stay in the FWB thing, because I could not believe she had feelings and thatt she would be a good match with all her problems at the time. My plan was to listen to her, to help her and to make her see, what a wonderful person she can be, if she would only recognize it. And then, when she would be stable and finally happy, I would have a loving relationship with trust, but we never made it. The weird thing that really bothered me, is she constantly said our problems and discussions came because I saw problems where there never were problems and that I would overanalyze and would see "ghosts". But in fact, she admitted it indirectly that all my thoughts were right and this really f**ks me up, because I was right all the time and if she would have acepted my view and her behaviours and would not have given me the fault for it, we could have had a loving relationship perhaps. Or we would still have contact and she would not had split me black! I literally do not understand, why it all had to end. She first told me that it has to end, because she has feelings and it hurts too much that I don't feel the same. But after I felt something like love she went away. And now she is telling me that she never loved me, why did we all have this stress and conflicts, when it was all about true things? Why couldn't she accept and handle the truth that her behavior speaks louder than her words? Why was I first at fault and later on I was absolutely right, but still I am at fault in some way in her eyes?

I will never get closure, I do not even know, if she has really BPD. She seems so normal now, has many friends, meets new guys and acts like nothing has happened and as I am the abusive one and did everything to hurt her. She said her behavior was normal and she is just the way she is and there were no explanations needed. And she said that all her problems are gone and she is finally happy now. I feel betrayed and used and can not put my anger into words, I just don't believe it. Gave everything I could, pushed me far beyond my own sanity just to help her and get along with her and now: NOTHING! I will never ever talk to her again, in her mind I will always remain the guy, who wanted to destroy her. I just can't believ it.

@dumpsterdog:
IMO you should change your number or block her on everything, I read from a lot of guys that this is the 7th sense of these ill people, they feel it, when their exs drive away, so you have to go NC, if it's possible.
Do you have any theory, how they are sucking the life out of us? I barely can't concentrate and lie often times on my bed to just think and take a break, but I don't understand, how it can be so exhausting and so mentally draining for us. And I really would like to know, how she could be become so cold on me. I mean it was silly to suspect BPD, but did she never ask herself, why I had come to that conclusion? And is it really a reason to cut someone off completely? I mean, I was not the best guy for her and constantly told her my opinion and exposed always her sh**ty behavior and would show her the reasons for it, which were true in the end. But really, I wanted the best for her and now she pretends like I did not even exist, that is unbelievable and painful as hell. And this was a huge point there by you! She really seemd to rub it in my face, how happy she is and how many friends she has and how normal they would find her behavior. I can't be the false person she told me to be.

[heartandwhole]

Hi guilttripped9000,

I know this hurts. I’ve been there, too, and I’m sorry. There is no way we can diagnose someone over the Internet, of course. Only one-on-one meetings with professionals can do that.

But the label isn’t that important. The behaviors you are experiencing are evoking a lot of pain, and that’s very understandable.

Have you seen this article about how a relationship with someone with BPD often evolves? It really opened my eyes to how I started believing things I hadn’t before, and started adapting my behavior, which led me to jump into a relationship that wasn’t good for me. I wonder if anything will resonate with you as well?

How a Relationship with Someone with BPD Evolves

heartandwhole

[Duped 1]

Thanks for sharing that article heartandwhole. It's been a long time since I read it. Good stuff!

[shabazz]

HI... .I feel you pain... .i've have been destroyed by my exBPD for nearly 6 years ... .so I understand... some days , when i feel like i've finally accepted the fact that she is gone and that It was not my fault, that is exact;y when she calls an rubs salt into the wound. Especially when i meet a new girl and start dating, its like the ex knows and reconnects just enough to make me not follow through with any new dating interest... .my advice,, as much as it sucks... .pretend that any contact with her will ruin your life over and over again... .BECAUSE IT WILL... .and do not let her engage you... .she is like a life sucking parasite, that will drain you of all physical and emotional resources... .its an addiction , like a drug... .one is never enough, if you let her get in your head again, you will continue to try to logically figure her out, and slowly expect her to re engage as a dating relationship, which she never will... .treat her as an addiction and replay the tape in your head of how how you were devastated when she dumped you and you found out she was soo sweet to other prospects  right in your face... .its who she is... .it wont change. If you like to be hurt , then let her re engage you, if you want to be able to move on... .you can have no contact with her whatsoever... .sorry... .BPD exs are like getting bit by a rattlesnake... .once you get bit , you have to wake up and realize its life threatening, and you should stay far away from rattlesnakes, because all they know how to do is bite you... .again, and again, until you die... .sorry, but that's the best analogy i can give you.


good luck... .detach, disengage, and find a safe place to heal away from the rattlesnake pit. And pray for wisdom and courage to follow a new path

I love this.It's exactly how I feel but in words. I just think about how many times in the  relationship, I got pulled back and then let down in a matter of hours. My BPDex fed on my fighting with him. I believe it was his confirmation of love. Even when I gave space, he did not like that either.
It's like this!
If you go back as a friend are you ok with being the only one in the friendship? Being pushed away when your kind and then when you give distance your no longer a friend because the abandonment fear sets in and the your devalued by your friend and his friends, so you look bad and he hides his shame, while paying you back. This is a vicious cycle, where you are the victim because you are uncomfortable with the manipulation and rollercoaster rides and the BPD friend or ex is use to the behavior. Its their life!
I read something somewhere, that said "If you want to be in any kind of BPD relationship, accept the fact of getting nothing in return!"

[dumpsterdog]

Yes... .and the " getting nothing back in return " is the cold hard truth... .no matter how many times you buy flowers, or rake her /his yard... .bail them out in any sense... .they perceive themselves as entitled to that " mulligan " ... and absolutely will defiantly tell you " i owe you  nothing "... .so who wants to live with that... ? just watch a rattlesnake video on you tube and remember ... .you are trying to treat a rattlesnake like a puppy ... .they aren't the same... .go find a puppy, and then treat that person well, because they will appreciate it and be able to return love and affection without hesitation.

so let it be written.

[guilttripped9000]

I am sorry that I took so much time to respond!
Well, thanks for the article, but can you relate this one really to a FWB or is this a complete different kind of thing?
And that is a great description Shabazz! Well, she often times told me that she thinks her behavior is normal and I was just sitting there and thinking WTH, this is so crazy.
And it is so unbelievable that they are able to act normal and friendly to their friends most of the time, while you get all the sh***y behaviour, you do not really deserve. I can not believe that this has happened to me again.