Still friends with BPD ex

[secretmiracle]

Hello BPD family.

For two years in college I was romantically involved with a girl who was later diagnosed with borderline personality and bi-polar disorders. Needless to say our relationship was emotionally draining, confusing, and volatile. We broke up shortly before I moved across the country and she started dating shortly after. We stayed in contact and friendship, and when she graduated college she also moved across the country, as she had planned to do since I met her.

Immediately the relationship deteriorated and we fell into old patterns. Sometimes our relationship would be great, other times she would bring up issues from our relationship that would catch me off guard. I started seeing a therapist shortly after (on her suggestion) and started working on my emotional health.

It's been a year since I've started therapy, a year since she moved, and two since we broke up. But i still feel tense any time we hang out. I never know what to be prepared for with her, and I end up having to drive her everywhere, and have semi-reluctantly involved her in a friend group i have. None of this inclusion has improved our relationship, and she's still content to bring up my faults and failings or how I'm not being a good friend to her, which causes me to get angry and defensive.

What I want is help in fostering a friendly, supportive relationship. She's in a deep depressive patch right now. We were hanging out yesterday and, like always, my attempts to sympathize with her came off as false or ineffectual and she made me feel bad for even trying. I guess what I'm looking for are tips to maintain my emotional well-being when i feel like i'm getting attacked or cornered and how to be aware of her emotional needs to be supportive.

this is the first time i've asked for help from a community for this, and i really appreciate any help i can get. thank you!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mustbeabetterway]

  Welcome!  You have come to a great forum for support and to help you gain understanding.

There are lessons on the right side of this page which will help you understand more about your situation. 

You may want to research FOG (fear, obligation and guilt). Which sounds like what you are experiencing when you say “she made me feel bad for even trying... .”. It can be extremely difficult to figure out how best to keep communication open and supportive when in a relationship with a PWBPD.

This particular board is for those detaching from a failed relationship.  It sounds as if you would like to continue being friends and learn to be more supportive.  Is that correct?  There is a board for bettering relationships. 

Welcome again,  I am glad you joined us and am sure that you can find the information that will help you improve your communication with your friend.

Mustbe

[Mutt]

Hi secretmiracle,



Id like to join Mustbe and welcome you to the family I’m glad that you’ve found us. I can relate with that walking on eggshells feeling with a pwBPD. I’m sorry that you’re struggling with you friend, I’ll get your thread moved to the right board 

You may want to research FOG (fear, obligation and guilt). Which sounds like what you are experiencing when you say “she made me feel bad for even trying... .”. It can be extremely difficult to figure out how best to keep communication open and supportive when in a relationship with a PWBPD.

I agree read this article https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog FOG can relate with walking on eggshells, it helps to understand the reason why your friend acts the way that she does, make it a goal to depersonalize the behaviours. Do you also struggle with saying no?

[Speck]

Welcome, secretmiracle!

 

This is the first time I've asked for help from a community for this, and I really appreciate any help I can get. Thank you!

We are so glad you're here, although we're sorry for the circumstance(s) that brought you to our shores. Yes, this is a harbor. So, feel free to drop your anchor and be supported. That's what we do here.

Mutt is working to get you to a more suitable board, as it appears that you are seeking ways to improve your relationship with your friend. This board is for those who are actively trying to detach from a relationship. Having said that, if you happen to mosey over to the Bettering Board, you will see some really great articles scrolling in the right-handed panel. Just click on one and start your journey to a greater understanding of those whom we love who happen to have a personality disorder.

I believe you will be greatly comforted by the support here and the fact that we really understand what you are going through. We've all been there to varying degrees. Take care of yourself. We will look out for future posts from you.


-Speck