Light bulb went off. This woman was my ex-wife. Someone with BPD and NPD traits

[Heartachex2]

Hello,
My first post here, but I figured I'd get some support and just express my feelings about dating someone with BPD. A little about me, at 19, I met someone who was un-diagnosed at the time and fell in love with her. I don't remember much about the courtship, other than we had lots of sex and she and I did things together all the time. She was 24, extremely attractive, a medical student and I saw a future with her. At 20, I got her pregnant and we got married and had a kid at 21. Things really changed and relationship became abusive. Long story short, when she cheated on me I sought out therapy and therapist didn't recognize the issue, thought she had a mood disorder. She then sought out a therapist because she said I was being abusive with her. Her therapist diagnosed her as BPD with NPD traits. He ended up becoming marriage counselor/family therapist. After 1.5 years we finally divorced (lots of push and pull) and it took me almost 2 years to recover from the marriage. Divorced in 2013 and by 2015 I finally felt ready to be in a relationship. Took me 6 months post-divorce just to get a woman's number and another 5 months just to be able to ask her out on a date. Because of her diagnosis and her mothering skills I received primary custody of our daughter (44 out of 52 weeks). She tried to start many conflicts but my therapist recommended using the skills I learned during therapy to disengage and move on. The book "Stop walking on eggshells" really helped. Starting around the end of 2015 our only contact has been exchanging ticket information for our daughter's travels (I moved away because it was safer since she had falsely accused me of many abuse/kidnapping incidents). She is a classic high functioning borderline.
Fast forward to last year. I met this woman in February of last year and there were red flags. She was not my type, really shy, introverted, didn't have much of a sense of humor, past drug abuse, drank 2-3 glasses of wine daily, terrible credit, un-naturally close to her 12 year old son (as in slept in bed with him, spooned him when watching TV) but she was very bright (I love intelligence), had a great job, lived next door to her parents in a cabin her parents had built (which I assumed was a good thing) and was very attentive to my needs. We started dating and things were amazing. She doted over me, would cook me my favorite dishes. We had sex at least 2-3 times a week and the sex was amazing. She started talking about future within the first 2 months and within 6 months was talking about forever. I eventually came around to a future around month 7 and talked about moving in together around then as well. Months 7-9 were good, lots of travel together together with the kids, her talking about future, ended every night with a love you text. However, there were some red flags, like her playing victim to her ex-husband's financial habits which led her to have bad credit, or how her ex-boyfriend before me was only into her and not her kid, or how since I was hiring people for my business I should just hire her and her utter lack of introspection. These are just some of the red flags, but I chose to ignore them since she treated me so well. Finally we went away for Thanksgiving to see her extended family and on the way home she talked about what we would do for future Thanksgivings. We spent the weekend together and I went back to my place Saturday night. Then boom, Sunday she texted me and said that her son didn't want to move in together yet (even though Saturday he had chatted with me about how he was looking forward to the new house and what color he wanted his room to be). Anyways, she continued to push me away until finally middle of January I told her that I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who would emotionally push me away. She told me that it was my fault for her pushing me away. Said she was overwhelmed because I kept on talking about our future (I didn't start talking about it until month 7 even though she talked about forever starting month 4). I took responsibility for going too fast but told her that either she was all in and building towards future or all out. She said she wanted to work on it. We tried to work on it but she kept on pushing me away. About 3 weeks ago I decided to just call her out on it. Told her that either she gets into therapy or I was out. We argued about how there was nothing wrong with her and how I had wronged her. During that argument is when the light bulb went off. This woman was my ex-wife. Someone with BPD and has NPD traits! Since November, her ex-husband and I have become closer (his current fiance and I work together) and although I haven't shared any of my story with him, he's shared his and she did to him what my ex-wife did to me.
I've been through normal dating with short relationships 2-3 months all the way up to a 12 year relationship with my ex-wife. This year long relationship has me shaken like my relationship with my ex-wife did. I can't believe that 3 weeks later, despite therapy (been in therapy since 2012) I'm still really shaken. I can't even go out and have conversations with women, let alone flirt with them. I have a normally flirtatious personality but that's all gone. I'm shaken in my belief to identify these red flags and I can't believe I let myself be in a relationship with this woman for a year.
A little about me, I'm 36, single father of a 15yr old daughter, have a PhD and 2 post-docs (including one in psychology), I do research in AI and psychology (mood), own multiple businesses, former college athlete and have been told I'm attractive. By no means do I beat myself up and think I won't find anyone else because I can look at my objective qualities and know that I'll be fine. However, this relationship has really shaken me and I can't stop re-reading Stop Walking on Eggshells or posts on this site. Any suggestions to what I can do to help get over this? I see therapist weekly, but I hate feeling this shaken.
Also any suggestions for me telling her ex-husband to go read Stop Walking on Eggshells, without trying to "diagnose" her. He's still struggling with communication with her.

[Mutt]

Hi Heartachex2,



I can understand wanting to know when this pain will be over a breakup with a pwBPD is on a different level of pain than a regular break-up. Read as much as you can about BPD it's a big part of healing it will help you with depersonalising the behaviours. Share your experience with us, everyone contributes a different perspective, it will help you to pick the bones out of your observations, you're still the same guy I had a similar experience I tried dating a couple time, wasn't ready for it, I was worried that maybe I'll never be ready or never find someone. Eventually I did but I had to have time behind me, do you feel like you need more time behind you?

[Heartachex2]

Hello Mutt,
Thank you for the reply. I don't know what I currently need. Usually at this point post-relationship I've started casually dating and am not looking back. This relationship on the other hand, I keep on looking back and missing the idealization phase. Missing the family life we had together with our kids.
Part of me listens to her ex-husband and am glad I got out. Also really torn about whether to give him the book "Stop walking on eggshells"

[Mutt]

I’ve been contemplating about telling my exuBPDw bf about BPD because of their daughter, my kids little sister. I’m pretty sure that I won’t get involved, i can’t fix everything. I missed having my place in our family being an H. I found it very hard so o can relate with that. I’ll tell you what advice that I got and it might had to let go of my ego of being an H we became two constellations the kids and her were a family and the kids and two families I had always thought that I could protect the kids more while in the marriage being closer to the chaos doesn’t make it safer.

[Heartachex2]

Mutt,
Oh I think that's why I stayed in my marriage to begin with. I thought I could protect my daughter by being there in the thick of the chaos. Good thing I went to marriage counseling and got out. Now I have primary custody of my daughter (44 out of 52 weeks). The minute I saw what my ex uBPD-NPD gf was doing to her son I got out because I knew that it was unhealthy. Even my daughter noticed that. Although she too misses the little blended family we had with them.
As for telling her ex-husband, I work with his fiance and she tells me all sorts of stories about how he breaks down (signs I see from what I went through post dBPD-NPD divorce). He isn't going to therapy because he had a terrible experience with therapy. I really like the guy and we've been doing things since I broke up with his ex-wife (my ex uBPD-NPD gf). Part of me really wants to give him some clue to help him recover, but I also don't know if I'd be crossing any boundaries.

[Dignity&Strength]

Hi,
Reading your post, I had a few short thoughts... .that’s admirable that you want to help, but your sense of crossing boundaries is accurate. I struggle with that, and am trying to wait for someone to ask for help first.  I decided to be a people helper, to make my job that instead. It works for me.

My next thought was about how you said you loved the walking on eggshells book. I also love self help books, enough that I decided to become a counselor. Some of my favorites are, Celebrate Yourself, by Dorothy Corkille Briggs, Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie, Boundaries, by Cloud and Townsend, and Happiness is a Choice, by Minerth & Meyer, and... .the Peacemaker, by Ken Sande.

 At any rate, all of those books and many many more helped me sort out my “people choices” . Oh! Safe People by Cloud too. A goal I have is to see the red flags better, by being “onto myself”’about my own history and blind spots,

Best wishes,
Dig

[Heartachex2]

Dig,
Thank you for those great recommendations. I'll make sure and check them out. I'm currently reading "The Relationship Cure" by John Gottman. I'll make sure and check out these books.
I've contemplated getting my masters in Counseling Psych (I'm a professor at a school that offers that program and it's free for me). I think I could get a lot more insight if I did pursue that program.
You're right, it is crossing boundaries. Perhaps if he did ask me what I did to get over my ex-wife and his ex-wife (sounds really weird).

[Speck]

Welcome, Heartachex2!

 

Just wanted to join the others in welcoming you to the forums. I'm sorry for what you're going through but glad you have found a community where many of us have been through similar experiences, and we can learn from each other. I wish for you as much help and support as I have received.

Any suggestions to what I can do to help get over this?

I'm glad you have a therapist with whom to process this stuff, but as you're indicating by writing here, it's not enough. I have found that time helps, talking with friends, daily exercise, sleeping well, sharing my story and helping others on bpdfamily, eating well, playing with my cats, staying busy with hobbies and projects, etc.
 

Also any suggestions for me telling her ex-husband to go read Stop Walking on Eggshells, without trying to "diagnose" her. He's still struggling with communication with her. Perhaps if he did ask me what I did to get over my ex-wife and his ex-wife (sounds really weird).

Bingo. Help if he asks.

So welcome! Keep reading and posting, and I'm sure you'll get help and support you need (as I have).


-Speck

[Heartachex2]

Speck,
Thank you for the great advice. I have been exercising however, for some reason I no longer have the energy to lift weights and play sports. Before I met my uBPD ex-gf I was lifting weights and playing sports every day. Now I just lift weights and play sports 1-2 times a week. I'm going to be early, but having a hard time sleeping. I am reading quite a bit too.

I'll see if he asks. I just feel bad for him since he's been sharing what he's dealing with in terms of custody of his son.