Out of character reactions to BPD behavior

[Depression = 72% of members]

I know I have experienced this.  I would react in ways that were out of character for me because of my uBPD wife's choices and behavior, especially at times of extreme acting out on her part and especially at times of discard.  This was particularly true before I became certain that she was disordered and I began to realize that it wasn't me.  Toward the end of the relationship, I had begun a self-healing process because I had recognized brokenness inside of me that was keeping me doing the BPD dance with my wife.  I wasn't at all healed, mind you, but I was at least AWARE enough toward the end of the relationship that I could self-preserve, set boundaries and stick to them in the face of abandonment fear (I had resolved that I would rather be discarded than to live unloved) and I was able to separate from her bad behavior in the midsts of arguments and her BPD form of communication.  I would just simply stop the conversation, tell her that this was going nowhere and I wasn't going to allow myself to be exposed to her abusive behavior and I would go into another room.  But, early in the relationship, I wasn't so aware of myself and my part in the dance and certainly wasn't aware of the extent of her disorder's responsibility for her behavior.  So, earlier in the relationship, I found myself seeing her as an evil person when she went through these cycles.  And during arguments, I would view her as "wired wrong in her brain" and ":)r. Jekyll and Miss Heidi" (that's my wife's first name, Heidi) during those long, drawn out, pinball machine attempts at communication that lead nowhere except to blaming me.  And, I would react in very angry, sometimes vindictive and mean ways to her abusive behavior.  The way I used to explain it was this... .even a sweet family pet will fight back if you back it in a corner and begin abusing it, repeatedly.  But, I now see this a little differently with understanding of her disorder.  It doesn't absolve her from responsibility for her abusive behavior.  Having an emotional disorder like BPD, to a severe extent, does NOT give her a "get out of jail free" card.  And it doesn't make the abuse acceptable.  But, it helps me to understand why she behaves and chooses the way she does.  And it allows me to forgive myself for the things I did and said in reaction to such horrible, consistent and extreme mental and emotional abuse.  But, I also recognize that there were fundamental flaws in me that kept me "fighting" and "reacting" instead of making the healthy choice to walk away.  Again, that didn't mean I was responsible for her abusive behavior, although she did regularly use my reactions to her abuse to not only blame me, but justify the abuse.  For example, during devaluation, she would nitpick everything I did, even HOW I BREATHED, literally.  She would say the most confusing and hurtful things that no wife should ever say to her husband.  She would call me names that struck to the core of what she knew were my biggest insecurities.  And, when I couldn't take it anymore and finally did react, my reaction then became the focal point, not her abuse.  Suddenly, I WAS the crazy one.  I WAS the abusive one.  And anytime I would try to discuss the situation, suddenly, my reaction became her justification for her original abuse that caused the reaction, as if she had no understanding of cause and effect or timeline (what happened first).  And I'm not proud of some of the things I did at times of discard... .very angry, vindictive things that truly did hurt her.  But, again, when she would recycle, the focus was always on what I had done out of anger after the discard.  She never owned any of her behavior during devaluation or discard.  Never.  Not. Even. Once.  And she did some pretty horrible things.  Abandonment in a financial mess alone in a 3,400 square foot house I had fully laid out all expenses to get into for us, intending to get married.  Leaving me abandoned in a hotel room 200 miles from my family after I had taken the train there to hunt for a house for us and having to have a family member come pick me up.  Discarding because of personal circumstance triggers after I had moved to her after we got married.  And this final time, discarding because of personal circumstance triggers while I was unemployed, leaving me in a financial crisis on the verge of homelessness 200 miles from my own family.  But, long ago, I vowed to myself to never allow my anger to push me to vindictiveness, no matter how justified I felt because (1) it damaged my own self-esteem due to guilt (because I'm a fairly normally functioning adult emotionally) and (2) it only served to feed into her justification and blaming at recycle.  I now understand this was a defense mechanism on her part.  It was projection and deflection.  A way of avoiding responsibility for her actions and blaming me.  But, it was confusing, crazy-making and, over time, all that built up resentment and anger over abuse that was never owned, apologized for or healed... .YEARS of it... .made the relationship toxic.  Then, her mantra at discard time became "our relationship is toxic".  LOL.  Well, YEAH!  Look at what you've been doing!  Our relationship is toxic because YOU are toxic!  Mind boggling and crazy-making.  I see it for what it was now.  And I can readily forgive myself for the things I did knowing that I was having NORMAL, HUMAN REACTIONS to very hurtful and abusive behavior.  But, I'm interested in hearing others relate their own experiences of their partner's gaslighting, deception, projection, deflection and lack of ownership of their behavior.  I think reading the experiences of others will help me and others who have witnessed it cope and heal that part of the relationship's interaction. 

[PianoDood]

I know I have experienced this.  I would react in ways that were out of character for me because of my uBPD wife's choices and behavior, especially at times of extreme acting out on her part and especially at times of discard.  This was particularly true before I became certain that she was disordered and I began to realize that it wasn't me.  Toward the end of the relationship, I had begun a self-healing process because I had recognized brokenness inside of me that was keeping me doing the BPD dance with my wife.  I wasn't at all healed, mind you, but I was at least AWARE enough toward the end of the relationship that I could self-preserve, set boundaries and stick to them in the face of abandonment fear (I had resolved that I would rather be discarded than to live unloved) and I was able to separate from her bad behavior in the midsts of arguments and her BPD form of communication.  I would just simply stop the conversation, tell her that this was going nowhere and I wasn't going to allow myself to be exposed to her abusive behavior and I would go into another room.  But, early in the relationship, I wasn't so aware of myself and my part in the dance and certainly wasn't aware of the extent of her disorder's responsibility for her behavior.  So, earlier in the relationship, I found myself seeing her as an evil person when she went through these cycles.  And during arguments, I would view her as "wired wrong in her brain" and ":)r. Jekyll and Miss Heidi" (that's my wife's first name, Heidi) during those long, drawn out, pinball machine attempts at communication that lead nowhere except to blaming me.  And, I would react in very angry, sometimes vindictive and mean ways to her abusive behavior.  The way I used to explain it was this... .even a sweet family pet will fight back if you back it in a corner and begin abusing it, repeatedly.  But, I now see this a little differently with understanding of her disorder.  It doesn't absolve her from responsibility for her abusive behavior.  Having an emotional disorder like BPD, to a severe extent, does NOT give her a "get out of jail free" card.  And it doesn't make the abuse acceptable.  But, it helps me to understand why she behaves and chooses the way she does.  And it allows me to forgive myself for the things I did and said in reaction to such horrible, consistent and extreme mental and emotional abuse.  But, I also recognize that there were fundamental flaws in me that kept me "fighting" and "reacting" instead of making the healthy choice to walk away.  Again, that didn't mean I was responsible for her abusive behavior, although she did regularly use my reactions to her abuse to not only blame me, but justify the abuse.  For example, during devaluation, she would nitpick everything I did, even HOW I BREATHED, literally.  She would say the most confusing and hurtful things that no wife should ever say to her husband.  She would call me names that struck to the core of what she knew were my biggest insecurities.  And, when I couldn't take it anymore and finally did react, my reaction then became the focal point, not her abuse.  Suddenly, I WAS the crazy one.  I WAS the abusive one.  And anytime I would try to discuss the situation, suddenly, my reaction became her justification for her original abuse that caused the reaction, as if she had no understanding of cause and effect or timeline (what happened first).  And I'm not proud of some of the things I did at times of discard... .very angry, vindictive things that truly did hurt her.  But, again, when she would recycle, the focus was always on what I had done out of anger after the discard.  She never owned any of her behavior during devaluation or discard.  Never.  Not. Even. Once.  And she did some pretty horrible things.  Abandonment in a financial mess alone in a 3,400 square foot house I had fully laid out all expenses to get into for us, intending to get married.  Leaving me abandoned in a hotel room 200 miles from my family after I had taken the train there to hunt for a house for us and having to have a family member come pick me up.  Discarding because of personal circumstance triggers after I had moved to her after we got married.  And this final time, discarding because of personal circumstance triggers while I was unemployed, leaving me in a financial crisis on the verge of homelessness 200 miles from my own family.  But, long ago, I vowed to myself to never allow my anger to push me to vindictiveness, no matter how justified I felt because (1) it damaged my own self-esteem due to guilt (because I'm a fairly normally functioning adult emotionally) and (2) it only served to feed into her justification and blaming at recycle.  I now understand this was a defense mechanism on her part.  It was projection and deflection.  A way of avoiding responsibility for her actions and blaming me.  But, it was confusing, crazy-making and, over time, all that built up resentment and anger over abuse that was never owned, apologized for or healed... .YEARS of it... .made the relationship toxic.  Then, her mantra at discard time became "our relationship is toxic".  LOL.  Well, YEAH!  Look at what you've been doing!  Our relationship is toxic because YOU are toxic!  Mind boggling and crazy-making.  I see it for what it was now.  And I can readily forgive myself for the things I did knowing that I was having NORMAL, HUMAN REACTIONS to very hurtful and abusive behavior.  But, I'm interested in hearing others relate their own experiences of their partner's gaslighting, deception, projection, deflection and lack of ownership of their behavior.  I think reading the experiences of others will help me and others who have witnessed it cope and heal that part of the relationship's interaction. 

[Mutt]

He who fights with monsters should be careful lest he thereby become a monster. And if thou gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will also gaze into thee. – Nietzsche

Im not saying that my ex is s monster how interpret that quote someone else may see it differently I became what I despised I don’t like fighting and being angry all of the time and I became angry and resentful  someone that I’m not. I didn’t feel like my old self, I didn’t feel like I was capable of returning to my old self it felt hopeless with the constant fighting.

I had a lot of emotional baggage that I brought I to the r/s there are still things that I work in today I think I’ll probably have to work on things throughout my lifetime I’m okay with because I choose differently today, I won’t allow myself to be treated the way that i was.

I let myself get abused it took a very painful experience to learn that nobody else is going to care about if you don’t care about yourself. Today Im in a reciprocal romantic r/s where both are emotionally mature and respect each other I attracted that person because I’m taking care of myself and I didn’t choose to be in a romantic r/s with some because I found some of the behavior toxic.

[Jeffree]

But, I also recognize that there were fundamental flaws in me that kept me "fighting" and "reacting" instead of making the healthy choice to walk away. 

This is always an interesting way to look at it.

I remember the beginning of the devaluation. I'd ask myself, "So is this it? The end? Is there a way for things to be repaired?"

It's not that I would beg, plead or whatever for her to stop, but I would certainly engage with her in the conversation/argument and try to get her to understand my side.

For a while she was able to somehow draw me back in. Usually with s3x, but things would get off track in short order.

Eventually she overplayed her hand and I had no interest in repairing the marriage. As a matter of fact, I was hoping she'd actually live by her words and finally leave, which she eventually did.

I found that when I was embroiled in the mess with her there wasn't much choice but to keep fighting and reacting. I was under constant attack. When I finally moved out of the bedroom and got some calmer time away from her abuse, I began to piece everything together and tell her in no uncertain terms divorce was the only thing in our future as a legally married couple.

J