How do you know when you’ve fully detached?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi all. I usually reside on the “:)etaching” board, but I thought that this question needed to be asked here.

How did you know when you had finally detached? What did it feel like? I’m at a point where I won’t go back. Self realization, accountability, apologies, long term treatment acceptance, honesty, etc., might be a compromise, but we know the likelihood of that.

I’m still detaching. Not from her. I haven’t seen her for a month and a half. I’m still detaching from my feelings. When did you feel ready to graduate to the “Learning” board. If you showed up on this board, how did you get here?

[JNChell]

Hi all. I usually reside on the “:)etaching” board, but I thought that this question needed to be asked here.

How did you know when you had finally detached? What did it feel like? I’m at a point where I won’t go back. Self realization, accountability, apologies, long term treatment acceptance, honesty, etc., might be a compromise, but we know the likelihood of that.

I’m still detaching. Not from her. I haven’t seen her for a month and a half. I’m still detaching from my feelings. When did you feel ready to graduate to the “Learning” board. If you showed up on this board, how did you get here?

[Cromwell]

nearly 7 months and i feel the worst of it is behind me.

the emotions cycled from "loving and missing her company, to a mix of fluctuating curiosity what shes up to, if she is ok, to weak moments where i thought i should contact her, then progressed to just being a rather annoying trigger in my mind, because she had stalked me so much I had to deal with that stress on top of everything else."

i sometimes feel that i did the wrong thing by reading so many hours of my life into my condition, but it is easy to say this in insight. what I have learned helped me make the decision and just showed me how much I cared for her, and wanted to do everything I could that i possibly could have done.

i think im getting very close to complete detachment, despite i might still have her in my mind, and i think an underlying stress that she will surface again like she did before, and it will be uncomfortable to confront her, i feel most of the anger directed against her gone, hardly any bitter feelings, and perhaps now more than before, far more insight into my own dynamics that actually led me to her in the first place and why I entertained the chaos for as long as I did. When i start to look at the whole course of the relationship, combined as a start, middle and and ending. it makes it easier than to cherry pick the bad bits or highlight the euphoric times. Closure was the most important thing i had to find, how was I going to leave her in the best possible way for both of us.

im now at a stage where the experience ive had, i feel able to help others out. I wouldnt be advising someone to do anything that I hadnt already commited to (such as ardently keeping to NC). it is the best and only thing that has helped me salvage my self esteem, confidence back together and actually be able to start creating a future to move on from all of this.

Cromwell

[Jeffree]

When I finally realized what a con artist she was, I was done with all of it.

I forget the specific incident that made me realize this, but the thought was that all promises/gestures she makes are not meant to be real. Instead, they are her way of convincing herself she is this great person nobody seems to appreciate.

Once I saw behind that curtain, the jig was up.

Now, any promises, any basic information she shares, I just take or leave... .and I am so much better off.

For example, about a week ago she said she was going to order from her employer a bunch of products I could use for the home improvements I have planned. I let that go in one ear and out the other. Since then nothing has arrived at my door, and she has not mentioned it. I am sure she's been "too busy with work" to do this. But there she is feeling like Gandhi because she offered to do this for me, someone she doesn't give any Fs about.

Next, she left her car in my driveway during her latest work trip. She said she'd be back Saturday. Now it's Monday. I didn't give a crap when she said it the first time, nor to I care now. My life will go on with her car in the driveway or not.

J

[Sunfl0wer]

When I realized I was persuing my life and planning dor my future independent of him completely... .and without any thought at all that there was any way he woild ever be in it again... .and I felt mostly at peace with this.

When the thought of seeing him/crossing paths with him was way more neutralized and did not much cause a state of panic or any expectation within me.

When I realized he did not take up much of my head space any more and the time he was in my head was relatively small and more in small bouts vs anything constant.

[heartandwhole]

Hi JNChell,

I think I knew I had completely detached when I didn't have such acute reactions to thoughts of him or communications from him. I felt centered and neutral, instead of anxious.

I remember when I first started seeing a therapist after the breakup and mentioned that maybe in the future, if things changed, we could somehow be together. 

My therapist squirmed in her chair, and I'll never forget her response: "Heartandwhole, I want something better for you." I felt disappointed then. Looking back now, I fully understand what she meant, and I'm glad she was looking out for me, as I still hadn't completely let go of the fantasy relationship and faced the reality of the relationship I had had. Now, I feel grateful that she was so upfront with me.

heartandwhole

[Jeffree]

I think I knew I had completely detached when I didn't have such acute reactions to thoughts of him or communications from him. I felt centered and neutral, instead of anxious.

H&W,

I agree that the above is what the endgame looks like.

But was there a moment when it all clicked and you were like... .done? What was the thought process?

It was important for me to be able to be in her presence while not caring to know I was fully detached.

J

[once removed]

i think this is a good overview of what this stage of detaching feels and looks like:

Stage 5 Freedom - the stage when thinking about your loss (or the thing you desire) doesn't interfere with your normal feelings of well-being.

Detachment can move us from acute suffering into something close to peace.

FREEDOM [Stage 5]: You've reached this stage when thinking about your loss (or the thing you desire) doesn't interfere with your normal feelings of well-being. Desire, fear, and hopelessness are deeply embedded in our psyches, and we feel their pull whenever any remnant of attachment exists. We know that we've begun to achieve real detachment in a situation when we can contemplate what's occurring without immediately getting blindsided by these feelings.

The fifth stage is a state of true liberation, which the sage Abhinavagupta describes as the feeling of putting down a heavy burden. It's no small thing. Every time we free ourselves from one of those sticky feelings, we unlock another link in what the yogic texts call the chain of bondage.

How did you know when you had finally detached? What did it feel like?

there was no grand moment or epiphany in my case. i saw my progress better looking at it in hindsight; could see the ways in which i had moved on, life had moved on.

i do recall that my last hurdle had to do with feelings of injustice. depression, sadness, and longing were over. i was resigned to being broken up. but man did i want to say my piece. these feelings would invade or intrude and sort of gnaw at me. i worked through them with Stage 4, Creative Action. i said my piece in writing. it really helped.

When did you feel ready to graduate to the “Learning” board. If you showed up on this board, how did you get here?

the hard way. i continued on a path of dysfunctional relationships. while i gained some real self awareness after the breakup, i hadnt put it into practice and had no tools to do so. the fact that my struggles began before my ex and continued after, that they were mine, and that i also had the power and ability to address them finally clicked.

over time, that also translated to seeing my relationship, its break down, and my role in it more objectively.

[AustenJ]

I think part of it is when I felt like posting on here was more of a chore than a release. In other words, several months after I stopped thinking about my ex, posting on here really started to become a chore... .why spend my time on here (other than to help others sometimes) when I could be doing things I wanted to do... .like working out, gardening, playing golf, etc.

In the early days of the discard, I was on this board daily if not many, many times throughout the day.  Now, however, I feel like I have more important things to do with my time... .but I know the board is here for me

[Skip]

When I realized why we weren't a good match, that I had done things to make matter worse, and I could accept that relationships fail and no one needs to be at fault - we all do the best we can. When mental illness meets wounded lover, its a very complex human dynamic.

[Insom]

I think there are different levels of detachment depending on where you're at in life.  I stopped wanting the relationship many years ago (while I was still in it) and have felt reasonably detached for a very long time. But it's only now, so many years later, that I'm able to mine my memories of the relationship for lessons about where I came from and who I am today.  It's been interesting and I feel I'm nearing the end of having this still matter to me.  Someone else here used the word indifference to describe detachment.  I liked that, and it's where I'm nearly at except I'm still processing a handful of memories that relate to present-day issues. 

[JNChell]

Thanks for the feedback, everyone! I don’t want to put the cart before the horse by any means. I’m realizing that I’ve done that my whole life. I’m ready to be ready, but I’m not ready, yet. I’m also realizing that this “stuff” isn’t because of my ex, or the exes before her. Yes, it played a part, but only because I allowed it. Hell, I welcomed it, and wouldn’t let it go. Thank you all for sharing. It gives me things to think about.   

[MeandThee29]

How did you know when you had finally detached? What did it feel like? I’m at a point where I won’t go back. Self realization, accountability, apologies, long term treatment acceptance, honesty, etc., might be a compromise, but we know the likelihood of that.

I knew that I was getting there when we had a phone conversation, and I didn't feel triggered afterwards. It had unpleasant moments when he got in his digs, but I walked away fine and slept well that night.

I think he detached over the holidays. He told me in early January that he wouldn't ever be moving back to this area, and that we needed to sell the house. I wasn't at that point yet, so it hurt big time. I'm better now, but it was rough moving to a rental house this month. I had about a week of feeling crushed, but then bounced back.

I doubt that I'll ever completely detach, but I'm getting there.

[heartandwhole]

I think I knew I had completely detached when I didn't have such acute reactions to thoughts of him or communications from him. I felt centered and neutral, instead of anxious.

H&W,

I agree that the above is what the endgame looks like.

But was there a moment when it all clicked and you were like... .done? What was the thought process?

It was important for me to be able to be in her presence while not caring to know I was fully detached.

J

Hi Jeffree,

I was lucky in that ours was a long-distance relationship and I didn't have to be in his presence. That helped a lot. I have no doubt that I could be in his presence today without feeling agitated. In fact, I feel friendly feeling toward him and his wife.

As far as a moment when I knew: I'll answer in two ways.

1) I knew that the relationship was over-over when he broke up with me for the nth time, and after implying that my relationship with him was inappropriate and that he didn't love me in the way that I thought he did.

2) I knew I was detached when an email (wanting to engage in some kind of relationship) from him came through, more than a year after our breakup (and he newly married), and I felt neutral. Before, because he often did radical turnabouts by email, I would feel anxious whenever a message came through, but that was all gone. I felt detached, and felt no urgency to write back right away. I took my time, kept it brief, and said no. Which was a yes to me.  

Thanks for asking. I admire you for being able to be in her presence while feeling detached. That can be really tough. I remember before I was detached, I was on a train and heard someone's voice behind me, which was very similar to pwBPD's. My heart just started racing, even though I knew it wasn't him.

heartandwhole

[Jeffree]

H&W,

Thanks for answering that. I'd ask what your ex meant by inappropriate, but I doubt it's anything that would make any human sense.

I feel friendly feeling toward him and his wife

Whatchu talkin' about, Willis?

I admire you for being able to be in her presence while feeling detached.

Thanks.

Why just last night she was still at my house when I got home after she got home from her week-long business trip. I went upstairs and she was laying down on SD22's bed with SD22 hanging out with her. The issue of dinner came up, and I said "Whatever you guys decide is fine. I don't really have money to spend on ordering out, but I can grill a steak, pork loin, whatever."

I took out out the trash, and SD22 went down with a headache from Aunt Flow, and STBx said she'll come down to talk about dinner when she is done with this one thing from work. I waited around for about 5 mins, then decided to go for a walk. She can wait on me instead, if she is done before I got back.

I went for my walk, got back and threw in a personal pizza, and offered some along with the iced tea I was having to STBx. I watched 10 mins of whatever the heck she was watching on TV (one of those gossip shows  ), and we spoke a bit. I tried to get some clarity on her future living plans and where she will be moving to next due to her job. I just nodded my head and said that makes sense or whatever indifferent baloney I have to in order to make the time go by peacefully.

I pressed her about any thoughts she had about the divorce to remind her that there will never be any reconciliation. As expected, she said she's been too busy to even think about it, but moving out on the fly she had all the time in the world to plot. Whatever.

No fuss; no muss. She'll probably be there when I get home again, because of the disrepair her place is still in due to the bursting of the pipes a couple of months ago.

J

[xyz-Girl]

When I realized why we weren't a good match, that I had done things to make matter worse, and I could accept that relationships fail and no one needs to be at fault - we all do the best we can. When mental illness meets wounded lover, its a very complex human dynamic.

Skip,

I think this is something that is happening to me. I think I am a wounded person from prior relationships and then I ended up with my BPDex and gosh it was not a nightmare but I am currently thinking I must be mentally ill too! Did you ever felt that way?

[heartandwhole]

I feel friendly feeling toward him and his wife
Whatchu talkin' about, Willis?

   We're not going to hang out or anything like that.

I mean I hope they are happy. I wish that for them.

heartandwhole