What's she thinking? And can I do anything better?

[85crt]

Hey there.  Starting a new thread because today marks 1 month since erratic pulling away became an HR complaint and cold hard silence.

I don't want to be long winded but I guess I'm looking for advice to make sure I'm handling things correctly.

So we do not speak.  As noted last thread, there have been 3 times when I made a comment, only 1 of which gwnerated a reply.  For the most part she keeps her head down and moves quickly through the break room, avoids me at all cost.  If we pass each other, she looks past me as if I don't exist.

That of course is brutal but hurts a little less I guess now I'm used to it.  Idk. 

So my question is... is it more likely she hates me/resents me/repulsed by me and this is it forever or is it more likely she is coping with all those weird feelings from her prior relationship and from meeting me and maybe feeling shame for acting this way? 

And more importantly, how do I act?  I feel stupid looking away.  I try to avoid at all costs too just for the ease of it.  Do I continue just not speaking?

It's just crappy.

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[Mutt]

Hi 85crt,

The first thing that came to my is shame you know her better than anyone on the boards she’s pretty open about having BPD it could be that has a history of physical intimacy. It could be that it’s too emotional for her when she sees you and that’s why she’s avoiding you. She might feel rejection when you said that you couldn’t meet with her because of your cat - a pwBPD are hyper sensitive to rejection. Lastly and I don’t want to sound hardship she might feel bad about her decision she did say that she wants to take things casually. I believe her think of it this way BPD symptoms worsen when a pwBPD are under stress and it could be that she feels like she went too far. I’m soeculating but those are m’y theories.

[85crt]

Here's an update which is more or less me venting because I know I made a "mistake" despite it only being wrong in the world of BPD:

So of course I've been doing my damndest not to see her but last Wed I had no choice.  My final break at 9:45 got delayed until 10- when she gets off. 

We crossed paths and I didn't look her way and she scurried past as we have done a few times.  No big deal.  Sucks and is awkward but used to it.  Of course her supervisor and possible FP had to rush over to mumble some dumb flirty stuff to her- he flirts with all the girls, especially her.

I have realized that was a big part of why I wrote that stupid lunch note in the first place.  Having to sit there that day pretending she didn't exist while he was leaning all on her and playing around was not cool for me.

I digress.  So the break room is always full and loud so I step in the hall by the elevators because I had to return a call from my mother.  I'm standing there just making my call and she comes rushing past and into the elevator like I'm some serial killer waiting to snatch her .

Just makes me feel like a piece of crap even though I didn't do anything.  Really ever.  Honestly it's been over a month now and I really see that in a non BPD world I am fairly damn innocent in all this- I felt the opposite just a couple weeks ago.

Anyway so here's my latest "mistake"- she called in on Thursday so you know maybe something happened or Idk... who knows... but last night I just woke up in the middle of the night and text her.

I was just... look... I miss talking to you... we get a long great... and can we just try to be friends for now?  I acknowledged how I believe she's feeling and told her look she can deal with this stuff by herself but I just want us to be able to talk and look at each other.

So yea... broke NC right... and of course no reply... but I'm just like tired of feeling like some monster when all I did was fall for a girl who for 2 weeks at least made me feel like the most special guy in the world.

Bleh.

[85crt]

I know my story is a little boring and not real meaty in terms of BPD problems but this forum has still given me wonderful insight.

After I vented yesterday I came to a realization that I just can't ignore her and play this game where we act like we don't exist, even if she does.  So I decided any time I do see her, which is usually once a day tops now, I'll greet her and not even expect a response and that's fine.

I saw her on the way out last night and said hey how are you... she froze and mumbled something... i think she said I'm going home but she kinda choked when she said it.

So obviously there's stuff going on there, I'm not just dead to her.  But more importantly I felt good doing it... like no games.  I'm just gonna be me and of course I'm not going to pursue her or act like we're best friends or something but at least I don't have to stress about do I look at her, do I speak, etc.

Makes me feel good.  As for her Idk... I hope she'll see I still care and am around but anything is on her.  I'm just not going to do this awkwardness.  Even if she snubs me.

[Radcliff]

85crt,

As I was reading your thread, I was thinking, "Maybe he should just be polite when he sees her and act normal."  I wasn't sure if you'd think that was a ridiculous thing to say!  It seems like you figured it out, and it's working for you.  I think this is a great example of not bending ourselves like a pretzel to accommodate BPD.  It is in your nature not to avoid someone, and to simply be polite when you see them.  This seems especially good if your work requires you to see each other in passing occasionally.  I'm also glad that you've found a path that feels more natural to you.

WW

[85crt]

Thanks... but ... looks like 2 times in a row is too much to ask.

Tonight I had to check my schedule on the computer because I was informed it would be changing, and she happened to be clocking out for the night.

Hey... a week ago I would've not looked at her and checked later but tonight I said no... if it was anyone else I wouldn't stop so just get on the computer and plus I'll say good night like a regular human .

I said have a good night and her name which sounded foreign because I haven't said it aloud in a month.  I also said see ya to another guy.  He said see ya... she stared at the clock and ignored me.

But it gets better.  I checked what I needed to and realized I need to call a friend to confirm a future date I needed to request off... well this time I waited because I wanted to make sure she was gone.  She usually rushes out, I guess to avoid seeing me or something idk.  After a few minutes I stepped into the hall to call my friend.

Well she missed the elevator  and so it was just her standing at the elevator and me.  I swear she looked like she thought I was Freddy Krueger or something.  Not knowing what to do I just gave a half wave with my phone and turned away.  By then my friend answered and I tried to sound normal but I was a little freaked out myself.

Meanwhile she got on the next elevator in a hurry.  And not a moment too soon... my god I might have waved again.  Yikes smh.

Is this normal for pwBPD?  Is this what being split black is all about?  I mean she makes me feel like a monster and all I'm trying to do is not walk around with my head down purposefully ignoring someone who 2 months ago had her head on my shoulder telling me she wished she had met me 2 years ago and how comfortable she was with me.

Anyway... I guess I'll continue operation be normal?  I mean I'm not trying to have any conversations or anything but hiding on my breaks and averting my eyes got old.  That's why even last week or whatever I had tried a couple times.  Like WW said it's not my nature to just ignore someone or be rude.

[Radcliff]

Now that you've demonstrated that you can act normal and nobody will combust, one option you have is to consciously choose to avoid her a bit, or not say high, if it seems like it would ease the tension on her.  I'm not saying to get awkward like it was before, but if it looks like you're headed for a third wave you could have mercy, or if you can do a very convincing job of pretending not to notice her, you could give her a rest.  If you make a conscious decision as an exception, you may even feel a little nice about it.

But those are exceptions.  Acting normal in your workplace seems like a great plan.

It's hard to know if she's genuinely uncomfortable around you, or looking to make a point, or both.  Either way, it's an outgrowth of the illness.  If you can muster up some empathy for her, it will help you take the situation less personally, and your vibes will be much calmer, which will help things smooth out, I hope.  Just between us chickens, it's OK to vent a little, but if you're exasperated and annoyed by her drama in the moments that it happens, she'll pick up on it, and it will likely perpetuate things.  pwBPD are super sensitive to those kinds of vibes.

Good work so far.  I'm glad you're trying to cool off the drama.

WW

[85crt]

Well something happened.  My fault but it was interesting.  Sorry to let you down WW!

After that elevator incident I was upset.  Just because as my last post indicated, I'm tired of feeling like some sort of monster just for being in her presence.

I was reading up on silent treatment and how pwBPD usually either act out with the outbursts and rage or act in with things like the silent treatment- and how both are forms of abuse and you have to be willing to set boundaries and such to mitigate that.

Well I had had enough.  So I text her.  Dumb I know.  Just said look I had hoped I we could at least be friendly in passing... if there's something I can do different to make that possible let me know if not I'll stay out of your way.

I was upset... I still tried to let her know I care about her issues but man it just sucks feeling like someone I had a brief but powerful time with hates me like the plague.  I know we talked about empathy and removing myself from those feelings but idk... I'm human... I got upset.

Anyway, she actually replied and fast.  And basically said she didn't want me to get the wrong idea.  Ugh... like I'm just so hung up on her if she says hi I'll think she loves me. 

Well I said look I support you and I miss our friendship... that's all.  If there's something I can do to help us on that route I will.

She replied again quick.  She said we only knew each other a few weeks... why am I so attached.

At this point I went into my mode where I blame myself and tried to explain my emotions and how I was feeling. 

She said I should just forget about her completely and move on.  She said I tried to force her to lunch (the note) and it's not healthy.

I apologized about the note and said it was immature, thanked her for talking, and said ok.  See ya around I guess.

I felt at first like man I'm a piece of crap... obviously I am nuts, I pressured her, I wouldn't back off, I'm a creep... but then I slept on it and I feel different today.

Tell me if I'm wrong... but she pursued me, and we went out, and she was all in.  I was the best guy ever, wished she had met me 2 years ago instead of her ex, she's been daydreaming about a relationship with me, talking about our pending sex life together, etc.

Then within 2 weeks I'm supposed to be able to completely erase her from my mind and heart and just say meh?  And the fact I reached out to her- albeit in a dumb way with the lunch note- that was forcing her?  The fact I say hi when I see her is being too attached?

I feel like I really see BPD now.  Is that correct?  Because our whole courtship from beginning to end she told me how awful she was and how she wasn't good enough... and even now it's like somehow I'm the bad guy for feeling attachment to her- who I guess she views as so bad it's crazy for me to be attached.

Am I on the right track here of understanding this?  I'm going to follow WW and avoid when possible and be polite and normal when I have to and just hope she takes care of herself.

I feel like she is so down on herself the idea someone genuinely liking her scared her and now she's convinced I must be crazy for not just dropping her- abandoning her, just forgetting her like she was nothing.  She literally said she can't understand why I didn't just drop her.

Just not that cold a person.  Maybe I should be.  Idk.  But I'm not.

So that's my update.  Love to hear some analysis.  I know my experience with BPD will not help folks in this section improve or fix a relationship as there's pretty much no hope for mine but at least maybe reading it someone will kinda see how BPD can work.

[Radcliff]

85crt,

I have a few disconnected thoughts... .

She said she didn't want you to get the wrong idea.  It may also be that she needs to maintain extra distance because she feels vulnerable to her emotions.  Folks with BPD have trouble with shades of gray.  That "friend zone" where you say "hi" in the hall is totally a shade of gray.  It may simply be something her illness prevents her from doing easily.  If we can recognize something as an outgrowth of the illness, it helps us to not take it personally.  If we are interested in a relationship with a pwBPD, we need to adapt our style to fit their abilities.

You are looking for equality here.  It is natural to want equality, but you are going to need to do more of the heavy lifting; it is not going to be fair, for two reasons:  she has BPD and this is your workplace where you need to stay out of trouble.

I was reading up on silent treatment and how pwBPD usually either act out with the outbursts and rage or act in with things like the silent treatment- and how both are forms of abuse and you have to be willing to set boundaries and such to mitigate that.

Yes, silent treatment can be a form of abuse.  But this is in the context of a committed relationship.  She appears to be legitimately trying to break off the relationship, and you two are coworkers.  That is a horse of a different color.

In a relationship, the one who is being pursued, or the one who is going slower, has the power.  You have been cast as the pursuer.  If you are interested in either a friendly or romantic relationship with her, your best bet is to work hard to give her space.  You want her to be thinking, "Why haven't I seen him in a couple of days?" not, "Oh, there he is again."  This is a game of patience.

WW

[85crt]

The shades of gray makes a ton of sense to me.  The whole time when she was telling me about her past and stuff I assured her we can go slow, no labels yet, whatever makes her comfortable... but she was like all or nothing. 

It was like she was all in with me or we just can't speak.  Literally went from talking about going to a casino and sex and planning future dates etc to just leave her alone no contact.

And it has been so weird and hard on me because I'm a romantic and because I really was fine talking as friends at first but within a week she was telling me she liked me and it just was like ok... let's go for it.

Yea it makes a lot of sense.  And it's weird how she flipped from pursuing me to being pursued.

I'm going to go back to working hard to avoid her.  I could really see a good friendship out of this because we have a ton in common and really clicked and I have this caring for her because I want to see her be ok... so maybe in a couple months I'll reach out if she doesn't.

But yea you make a lot of sense and I think because she was willing to text me and I see the lunch note for whatever reason really bothered her and made her feel "forced" to go to lunch like... I'm ok not speaking and avoiding now.

I guess I got some closure or answers or something.

[CryWolf]

And it has been so weird and hard on me because I'm a romantic and because I really was fine talking as friends at first but within a week she was telling me she liked me and it just was like ok... let's go for it.

Yea it makes a lot of sense.  And it's weird how she flipped from pursuing me to being pursued.

I'd really like to echo Wentworth and add on that patience is key. I am a romantic, and i believe in you need to fight for what you love. But most of the time it doesnt work like that. Time is honestly the key to a lot of answers. We live in a world where everything is so instant and its either yes or no.

My exBPD did the same, pursuing me, then pull away when I was so romantic. then i chase and she pushed. You need to find the right balance. Dont push too much and dont pull too much. Its frustrating but it is a very good tool to learn in everyday life not just in relationships. The more space you give her, it will cause her to wonder more about you and why you havent been pursuing her like you have been before.

I hope things work out in your favor and continue to work on yourself!

[Radcliff]

85crt,

Thanks for the update and additional thoughts.  I want to commend you for how you've come through all of this.  It's tremendously stressful to have any relationship get hot and then cool quickly.  With the added issue of BPD, it was especially complicated.  First, you found this site and asked for help.  Then you learned rapidly under less than ideal circumstances.  You respected her and stayed true to yourself.  You were agile enough and introspective enough to focus on your own actions more than hers.  You are coming through this as well as anyone could.  

Keep us posted on how things go for you!

WW