I divorced my BPDew and am going through hell

[Depression = 72% of members]

We were together for three years married for two.  After ignoring many red flags she WON me.  I had no intentions of being with her romantically.  I just wanted a good time in the beginning. Boy was it!

Her and her three adolescent children moved in with me after about 4 months.  Was really special time for a while.

Then the other shoe dropped.  Her outbursts and jealousies. Constant accusations of infidelity.

She would openly try to pick up woman to take home and play with and it did happen twice.  Soon as it was over though boy I wished I hadn't played along.

We broke up and got back together at least a half dozen times.  Then February of 2017 I had had enough and filed for divorce.  She moved out and signed all the papers.  :)uring the waiting period phase she would constantly try to get me back.  She would use all kinds of techniques.  From being sexual to rubbing other men in my face to make me jealous.

Eventually she won out and she moved back in and I went no further with the divorce.  As I am sure you all know it was good again for a few months.  Then bam same stuff all over again.

Well middle of February this year we had a blow up and I just emotionally couldn't handle it any longer.  I told her I wanted to finish the divorce and get on with my life.

I called the court set the date and had my day. She was there at my side begging me not to do it.

Once the judge said it was final she collapsed sobbing in the middle of the court room.  My mother picked her up.  We all left.

I was heart broken.

Then apparently she fell to pieces.  Everyone I spoke with told me how rough of a time she was having.  She then started trying to get me back again.

I went no contact.  Then she started leaving notes at my house or randomly dropping by my office.

On one such occasion  she came in closed the door and sat down.  She started sobbing and hyperventilating.  She kept saying she couldn't do this please she just couldn't do this. Then stated she had been sitting on my steps at home with a gun going to kill herself.

I was in shock I guess.  I was also hurting myself.  I simply stared at her and told her I couldn't help her.  See after the first major split someone had told me that from their experience that she demonstrated classic symptoms of BPD.  I started doing tons of reading up and it fit like a glove.

I dont claim to be a mental health professional but sometimes it doesn't really take one does it?

Anyway knowing what I at least believe I know I simply told her I couldn't help her.  That she should seek a professional.  

She got up an ran out.  I chased after her but she sped off.

Four days later she was in a FB relationship with one of our friends.  I slipped up on NC and she sent me a picture of them with his arms around her.

I threw up right there where I was standing.  I have never felt anything come over me like that.

Now understand I LOVE the hell out of this woman.  I just knew that I couldn't be with her anymore.

Three days later after the picture she showed back up at my office.  Sat down and just started asking me how I was and how my mother was and I just stared at her.

She finally asked if I wanted her to leave and I said yes.  Her head fell and she got up and walked out.

Now listen folks... .I have been through some things in my 40 plus years.  Never ever have I felt what I do at this very moment.  I wake up with anxiety and she is constantly on my mind.

I just cant figure this all out even with all the knowledge I have about this disorder.  I want to know how she feels and what she thinks.

I am just in the throws of agony right now.  I called this morning and have an appointment with a therapist that deals with this disorder.  Figured I might as well find one that knows what this is all about specifically.

Any help or insight any of you would like to pass along I would love to hear it.

I am struggling with NC.  Its very hard.  Longest I have made it is 7 days so far.

[Foursome]

We were together for three years married for two.  After ignoring many red flags she WON me.  I had no intentions of being with her romantically.  I just wanted a good time in the beginning. Boy was it!

Her and her three adolescent children moved in with me after about 4 months.  Was really special time for a while.

Then the other shoe dropped.  Her outbursts and jealousies. Constant accusations of infidelity.

She would openly try to pick up woman to take home and play with and it did happen twice.  Soon as it was over though boy I wished I hadn't played along.

We broke up and got back together at least a half dozen times.  Then February of 2017 I had had enough and filed for divorce.  She moved out and signed all the papers.  :)uring the waiting period phase she would constantly try to get me back.  She would use all kinds of techniques.  From being sexual to rubbing other men in my face to make me jealous.

Eventually she won out and she moved back in and I went no further with the divorce.  As I am sure you all know it was good again for a few months.  Then bam same stuff all over again.

Well middle of February this year we had a blow up and I just emotionally couldn't handle it any longer.  I told her I wanted to finish the divorce and get on with my life.

I called the court set the date and had my day. She was there at my side begging me not to do it.

Once the judge said it was final she collapsed sobbing in the middle of the court room.  My mother picked her up.  We all left.

I was heart broken.

Then apparently she fell to pieces.  Everyone I spoke with told me how rough of a time she was having.  She then started trying to get me back again.

I went no contact.  Then she started leaving notes at my house or randomly dropping by my office.

On one such occasion  she came in closed the door and sat down.  She started sobbing and hyperventilating.  She kept saying she couldn't do this please she just couldn't do this. Then stated she had been sitting on my steps at home with a gun going to kill herself.

I was in shock I guess.  I was also hurting myself.  I simply stared at her and told her I couldn't help her.  See after the first major split someone had told me that from their experience that she demonstrated classic symptoms of BPD.  I started doing tons of reading up and it fit like a glove.

I dont claim to be a mental health professional but sometimes it doesn't really take one does it?

Anyway knowing what I at least believe I know I simply told her I couldn't help her.  That she should seek a professional.  

She got up an ran out.  I chased after her but she sped off.

Four days later she was in a FB relationship with one of our friends.  I slipped up on NC and she sent me a picture of them with his arms around her.

I threw up right there where I was standing.  I have never felt anything come over me like that.

Now understand I LOVE the hell out of this woman.  I just knew that I couldn't be with her anymore.

Three days later after the picture she showed back up at my office.  Sat down and just started asking me how I was and how my mother was and I just stared at her.

She finally asked if I wanted her to leave and I said yes.  Her head fell and she got up and walked out.

Now listen folks... .I have been through some things in my 40 plus years.  Never ever have I felt what I do at this very moment.  I wake up with anxiety and she is constantly on my mind.

I just cant figure this all out even with all the knowledge I have about this disorder.  I want to know how she feels and what she thinks.

I am just in the throws of agony right now.  I called this morning and have an appointment with a therapist that deals with this disorder.  Figured I might as well find one that knows what this is all about specifically.

Any help or insight any of you would like to pass along I would love to hear it.

I am struggling with NC.  Its very hard.  Longest I have made it is 7 days so far.

[Rinzler]

There are a lot of terms and a lot innocent them and poor poor them.  
Poor Poor YOU should be first and foremost. What you are feeling is the effects of having push/ pull breakups cancelled.
What you are witnessing is her conniving self and her emotional abuse of you.  She is in full command and is perfectly calculating most of all her moves.

You need to accept the fact that these people are close to criminal in malicious intents and they are also psychopaths.
NEVERMIND the deliberate agendas I see to maintain them in a good light and aww their sick. Because they can make you sick all the way to death in some cases ive read about.

Consider yourself lucky to have escaped a complete LUNATIC. You were probably her meal ticket only and your johnson was just her means of clawing into you.  Consider yourself a tool she intended to wield as long as she could and you stopped her from doing so. She had her prospects in mind well before the split all along, they usually do and they are not only in mind there are actions involved: infidelity.  

Write down all the fights u can on a piece of paper and keep it handy for strength.

Consider a trip or a vacation, consider that you can get hot sex anywhere even if paid for and you would be MILES AHEAD of endorsing and sponsoring these criminals.  Stay your path go get laid.  Use the f bomb in front of female dogs all day long in your head.

Allow the withdrawal to take place. If you end up involved in a contact make sure to layout as stern an insult as you can. That will keep distance and hopefully over time you will thank yourself for doing so. I am in the same boat. My method is unorthodox but my strength is returning very quickly.  Hit the gym.

[Foursome]

I have been laid a few times since but it wasn't the same.  The messed up thing is at first I was totally fine.  Weeks went by where I was going out hanging with friends... .including the one she is with now.

It was at that moment I found out about that the ceiling came down on me.  I suspect that was the plan all along.  I just cant figure out why and why I care so much.

[Speck]

Welcome, Foursome!



I just want to join Rinzler in welcoming you to the discussion boards. I'm sorry for what brought you here, but I'm glad you're with us. We help and support each other here, so that's what you should expect.

I lurked here for a while before feeling compelled to become a member, and I'm so glad that I have. It sounds like you are having an especially difficult time right now, but I hope that you will stick around and receive the support that you need.

Thank you for sharing what you have thus far:

See after the first major split someone had told me that from their experience that she demonstrated classic symptoms of BPD.  I started doing tons of reading up and it fit like a glove. I don't claim to be a mental health professional but sometimes it doesn't really take one does it?

I hear you. As you most likely know, only a trained specialist can diagnose BPD, but I think you'll find a lot of parallels here - lots of members (including me) have similar stories. Yes, a firm diagnosis can help loved ones feel better by knowing that the odd, hurtful, destructive, and confusing behavior has an actual name, however, in my view, it's the behavior that's the problem. And, it sure sounds like your ex's behavior has been a problem for you. I am so sorry for that.

Regardless, you are absolutely on the right track. If you look up to the left of your screen under our logo you'll see these words: "Facing Emotionally Intense Relationships." From what you've shared thus far, I would think that your previous relationship would fall into this category, so just know that you're absolutely in the right place. And we're so glad you're here.

I am just in the throws of agony right now. I called this morning and have an appointment with a therapist that deals with this disorder. Figured I might as well find one that knows what this is all about specifically.

I am so glad that you have reached out to seek counseling to help you sort through your feelings. After my wife left me in November, besides lurking and then ultimately joining bpdfamily, I also consulted with a therapist to help me gain clarity. The combo of this place and therapy has been the winning ticket in helping me reclaim my life.

Any help or insight any of you would like to pass along I would love to hear it.

Pardon me, but I just got my Final Judgement of Divorce in the mail yesterday. The following is what helped me the most. I hope it helps you, too:

• 1. First, feel free to make yourself home here. You are among peers. Don't be afraid to let us know how we can support you.
• 2. Secondly, go to your T appointments and stick with them.
• 3. Thirdly, continue to invest in your understanding of BPD in order to help you gain much-needed perspective on what the last three years of your life has really been about. Hint: It's wasn't about you.
• 4. Fourthly, understand that both missing and loving your ex is part of a normal and healthy processing of grief... .just let it wash over you without action. Not all feelings require action.
• 5. Fifthly, take care to get proper sleep, exercise, good nutrition, and hygiene. I know it sounds all Mom-like, but trust me, Moms are right a lot of the time.

Please tell us more when you're comfortable doing so, and feel free to tell us about what is going on your life and what, if any, plans you might have for the future. I look forward to hearing more from you.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning... .


-Speck

[Rinzler]

I have been laid a few times since but it wasn't the same.  The messed up thing is at first I was totally fine.  Weeks went by where I was going out hanging with friends... .including the one she is with now.

It was at that moment I found out about that the ceiling came down on me.  I suspect that was the plan all along.  I just cant figure out why and why I care so much.

I understand u. It doesnt feel the same because u have attachment to what she made u feel. To her those feelings are basically fake and temporary and an act. Maybe give more time or give consideration to that concept basically your genuine she is not. Learn to despise her and that feeling u have.
The why is because that is their modus operandi. She needed your shoes filled and she found the sucker to do it.  You care because the conniving sob sat u through so much drama that u feel guilty in part for all thats happened... .it haunts you to remember that and wonder if you could have done more?  NO you most definitely could not have.  Her displays were all a dramatization and the evidence is how she's laying up w your "friend" right now non chalantly.  Learn to despise this person. And fall out of "love" w her and realize everything you shared on her side was just an act a part of her performance.  And it is acutally ongoing again with some other poor fool.  All this is hard. Im in the process as well.

But I think about it alot. Because I am not going to spend months on end hurting for my sob. I need to get back out there full swing doing my thing.  Dont feel bad about the market either out there becuz its filled w sicky female k9s just like this. At least now I have a whole new skillset to detect this classification of sickys. 

Start do unlink those memories to fondness and love and see them for what they were genuine only to you.

Great stuff posted by Speck.

[Foursome]

Thank you both for your responses.

I guess there are two ways I could be about this.  Uneducated and blind to what she is... .or enlightened to the fact this woman is sick.

The problem I face at this time is just that.  I know what she is now and it breaks my damn heart.

God wouldn't it be a damn shame to have something like this happen to you and you never find out that its because of her illness.  Now that would be hard to live through.

I am also realizing that this woman is dangerous.  She really is a menace to society.  Maybe she has no control over it.  You hear people give various accounts of that.  I wish I knew for sure.  Either way it is what it is.

Her first husband is dead and second husband is in prison.  I might actually be pretty damn lucky.

[Rinzler]

God wouldn't it be a damn shame to have something like this happen to you and you never find out that its because of her illness.  Now that would be hard to live through.

Her first husband is dead and second husband is in prison.  I might actually be pretty damn lucky.

Wow just effin wow. This for me is like account #56 for deaths involving partners to pwBPD that I have read about. And prison is also another very common theme. I myself was scared to end up in prison; it fueled me to extract her from my home even tho she cried as usual like a baby. You should know that those 2 items together are in no way, no effin way! coincidence when combined to the same classic pattern of results seen elsewhere.

Illness or not Ill keep saying it these people are malcontent criminals, emotional vampires, and psychopaths basically on a warpath in general w their opposite sex. They are deviant creatures and a social malady that should be made same as pedophiles to report into sex offender database at a MINIMUM and tell the whole neighborhood door to door.

Do your best to unlink good sentiments to those memories and see this foul cretin for what she is a real life demon.
Life is just an act to them. Nothing is genuine.

There is brain chemistry involved her but do your best to break it. Go on a trip and make a new friend that actually enjoys good moments genuinely and makes no false airs.

[Foursome]

Rinzler

Her first husband was killed after they had a fight and he ran from the house out in the street and got ran over by three vehicles.

Husband two is truly a piece of ___ but a family friend warned me early on that he didn't get that way on his own be careful. 

The night we met she told me that she wasn't good enough for me.

The day we married ... .and I didn't catch this at the time but my mother did... .the minister said your married... .she turn to the crowd fist pumps and shouts I got him.

Since all this has happened my mother came to me and told me of her thoughts of that happening.

She like her she really did.  But when she saw that happen she saw something that I didn't.

I was not her husband but her trophy.  Like a deer head or a bear skin rug.

She had taken a man who she herself knew was too good for her and got him to marry her.

A woman with no job three kids living with a friend.  Fake as hell from head to toe.  Built for fun if you know what I mean.

Whats really messed up too is if I would have listen she told me everything about herself and what she was the whole time.

I feel like an idiot.

[Cromwell]

Thank you both for your responses.

I guess there are two ways I could be about this.  Uneducated and blind to what she is... .or enlightened to the fact this woman is sick.

The problem I face at this time is just that.  I know what she is now and it breaks my damn heart.

God wouldn't it be a damn shame to have something like this happen to you and you never find out that its because of her illness.  Now that would be hard to live through.

I am also realizing that this woman is dangerous.  She really is a menace to society.  Maybe she has no control over it.  You hear people give various accounts of that.  I wish I knew for sure.  Either way it is what it is.

Her first husband is dead and second husband is in prison.  I might actually be pretty damn lucky.

Heartbroken is the most horrible thing but it is better than the alternatives. You are right, knowing that she has had a professional diagnosis was one of the very few things that made it easier for me to accept. I also found it hard to detach because I found an unhealthy bond of almost having a vulnerable child that had taken me as a caretaker. I felt this was partially hooked into me since the start of the relationship but continued throughout and invoked a huge sense of "protective" feelings.

there is a book on BPD called "I hate you, dont leave me"... .i almost had a carbon copy of those words from her that she basically felt that although there wasnt or maybe couldnt possibly ever be an emotional connection of love from her, it was this "need" to have me in her life that was so pressurised to feeling critical.

they do use it as a manipulation though, the suicidal threats when forced to up the ante if they see you detaching. its just that for someone like me I didnt want to just assume it was manipulation and not a real threat. I know maybe RIzler these feelings of being wronged are understandably raw, I felt the same at many times, I have had chance to get over the worst of it all and im finding myself moving towards "pity" more than anything else.

its only natural to get angry at someone who causes us such problems in our lives but from the bits of jigsaw I got she was a victim herself. she didnt like me because I could see through her facade, I knew deep down and told her that she is a very hurt person inside. the closer I got to moving her towards seeing the truth the crazier she got. she told me herself that she couldnt handle me. in many ways the detachment had to happen for her benefit as well, even though she just couldnt handle the process of it.

and yes, im lucky aswell to have made it with my life intact and not in prison or institionalised either. I feel either of those was close.

[Cromwell]

Rinzler

Her first husband was killed after they had a fight and he ran from the house out in the street and got ran over by three vehicles.

Husband two is truly a piece of ___ but a family friend warned me early on that he didn't get that way on his own be careful.  

The night we met she told me that she wasn't good enough for me.

The day we married ... .and I didn't catch this at the time but my mother did... .the minister said your married... .she turn to the crowd fist pumps and shouts I got him.

Since all this has happened my mother came to me and told me of her thoughts of that happening.

She like her she really did.  But when she saw that happen she saw something that I didn't.

I was not her husband but her trophy.  Like a deer head or a bear skin rug.

She had taken a man who she herself knew was too good for her and got him to marry her.

A woman with no job three kids living with a friend.  Fake as hell from head to toe.  Built for fun if you know what I mean.

Whats really messed up too is if I would have listen she told me everything about herself and what she was the whole time.

I feel like an idiot.

Love is blind.

They like the chase, once they feel they have you it feels too engulfing for them to be that closely connected to someone. (for the never ending fear that if they do, they could be abandoned). and that abandonment would be the most devastating thing to re-experience.

its all quite sad really.

 

[Rinzler]

Rinzler

Her first husband was killed after they had a fight and he ran from the house out in the street and got ran over by three vehicles.

Husband two is truly a piece of turd but a family friend warned me early on that he didn't get that way on his own be careful.  

A woman with no job three kids living with a friend.  Fake as hell from head to toe.  Built for fun if you know what I mean.

Whats really messed up too is if I would have listen she told me everything about herself and what she was the whole time.

I feel like an idiot.

And there you have it bro she's an effin MURDERER. Screw the perfect court case and unable to prove or correlate... .u and I and several of us here with a spine know she effin killed that dude. And as for #2 whatever problems he had... .she finished polishing him off and then she effed the poor fool.

Don't beat yourself up for it all you paid for it tenfold im sure. So there's no point in placing guilt on yourself... .why should u feel bad for being a natural man with no mal intents and she the exact opposite goes guilt free?  Eff that broh.
She's an actress a conniving C who belongs in jail for certain. There is a terrible injustice go around in relation to all these people they belong in jail.

I can tell u right now and listening to your story I almost forgot. Mine also sent someone to jail as well. So this is a very common theme. What an outrage that this is on repeat and we are all sitting here lamenting their effin "condition" while they murder and fraudulently send ppl to jail. What an outrage!

[Cromwell]

she admitted to me she is a C

so there was some points of being with her she was truthful.

to be honest, ending up in jail would have felt safer, less stressful than being with her.

I would be more scared towards release day that shed be at the gates waiting for me though.

[Foursome]

Thank you both... .I mean it.  We prolly all have a ways to go... .but by gosh we are going!

[Speck]

Hey, Foursome!

How are you feeling today? Are you still maintaining NC? How's therapy going?

If you need to process your stuff, we're here... .


-Speck

[Foursome]

I’m not doing well at all today. I feel like this never gonna stop. Still NC but I talk myself out of it constantly in my mind.

[Speck]

Animal,

I’m not doing well at all today. I feel like this never gonna stop. Still NC but I talk myself out of it constantly in my mind.

I understand. It takes some time for clarity to set in. It's a mean process. I've been there. I'm sorry you're feeling badly.

The main thing to focus on right now is treating yourself really well, leaning on others for support, and forgiving yourself for getting sucked into a relationship with someone with a personality disorder.

Even so... .I understand it's tough.


-Speck

[Foursome]

I don’t really have anyone anymore. Our relationship took care of that. It’s making me physically ill today. I have no meds to take yet. First therapy appointment isn’t till Thursday. I don’t know if I can hold out that long.

[Cromwell]

I’m not doing well at all today. I feel like this never gonna stop. Still NC but I talk myself out of it constantly in my mind.

how long have you went so far, I think I remember it being still early days. the beginning was a complete mind(F) for me, and there were days I woke up and she was the first thing in my mind until id lie down again. to compound it, i couldnt even be unconscious and escape her as she often would come to my dreams/nightmares. this is your subconscious at play telling you something isnt right!

people can throw around the term "NC" as if it is simple (which at its theory, it is), but underlying it is a huge stress-test. at least I speak for myself, it was one of the hardest things ive had to do. the beginning was a mental torture, the mind is confused and conflicted. As time goes on you are re-affirming to yourself that "this really is real". then there will come blips of emotional weakness. but it was about month 3 or 4 of having her out of my life that i really saw a huge improvement as each day passed.

if it sounds like having to go into withdrawl from a drug that has had you hooked, I dont think that is too dissimilair to describe the way it feels. the feeling of "if only I get another hit, I will feel ok again". but if my own experience and those of others on this board can attest, it will get better. it just doesnt feel like it right now.

7 months on and I see this person that had such a grip over my emotions in a completely different light.

that in itself has brought new feelings i have to cope with and over-come, but at least i can now do any of this without being in that pit of disorientated shell shocked gaslighted turmoil of being with her.

here for you anytime.  

[Foursome]

Ty so much