Introduction and mourning the collateral damage from going NC

[Thisisnotforyou]

Hi everyone. I hope I’m posting in the right place as my pwBPD is/was my best friend for 14 years.

I found my way here from Reddit (BPDlovedones) and just wanted to broaden the support community.

I’ll get into details of my relationship with Bestie I’m another post (suffice it to say there’s a lot of verbal abuse involved) but right now I want help with dealing with some of the fallout from going NC with her.

Bestie’s boyfriend and I ended up becoming very close around the time Bestie was taken off mood stabilizers (yet another long story for another post). This caused her episodes to be near constant and we were often split black together. So we initially bonded over this then discovered we had a lot of interests in common. Our friendship was strictly platonic and our conversations revolved around video games, geeky stuff, and Bestie.

Obviously when I went NC with Bestie I had to go NC with her boyfriend. I wasn’t even going to try to maintain the friendship because it would have been an utter ___ show of an episode from her but also I think that it would have been really crappy on my part to do that. However, with a certain big event coming up on our city that me and the Boyfriend would have a lot of fun at together(with Bestie there) I’m really starting to mourn the friendship with him.

I’ve accomplished some pretty cool thing recently and I wish I could share them with him. I want to talk about how I hated the new Mass Effect game and how my son is getting into video games (my boyfriend has zero interest on video games ). More importantly I just want to be friends again, to chat and joke and have that relationship.

How am I supposed to reconcile the fact that by cutting out my abusive friend I’ve also lost a friendship that wouldn’t have ended otherwise. I’m angry about the whole thing, and sad, and yes I’m in therapy but this is sticking with me for some reason.

Help?

[Speck]

Welcome, Thisisnotforyou!

 

Let me welcome you here to bpdfamily and wish for you as much help and support as I have received.  It's clear you have a lot in common with many of us here. This is a community where we help each other, so I'm sure if you keep posting and reading you will find it helpful.

Thank you for sharing what you have thus far:

How am I supposed to reconcile the fact that by cutting out my abusive friend I’ve also lost a friendship that wouldn’t have ended otherwise. I’m angry about the whole thing, and sad, and yes I’m in therapy but this is sticking with me for some reason.

It sounds like you have really had a tough time, and I'm sorry for that. One thing that can really help with allaying some confusion is understanding. And, it sounds like you are willing to understand BPD better, and that is pure genius, in my opinion. The more you know, well, the more you know! Luckily, you've found our website which can help you in that regard in spades. When you're ready, just start reading the site articles and do the Tools and Lessons located in the right panel of this page. The other thing that you'll find here is support for yourself.

I think you're behaving rather above board with stepping back from continuing a friendship with your bestie's boyfriend, as that would, no doubt, cause never-ending drama for everyone. It must really sting to lose that friendship though. I am sorry. Is it possible that this may not always be the case?

I believe you will be greatly comforted by the support here and the fact that we really understand what you are going through. We've all been there to varying degrees. Take care of yourself. We will look out for future posts from you.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning!


-Speck

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Thisisnotforyou, Welcome!  I can understand your sadness over the loss of friendship with your Bestie and, indirectly, her BF.  I agree w/Speck: trying to maintain a friendship with your Bestie's BF while going NC w/Bestie is likely to lead to drama and triangulation.  Having known your former best friend for 14 years, presumably you have experienced her potential for wrath and abuse?  How did you figure out that she suffers from BPD?  Perhaps it would help to grieve the end of your friendships with both your best friend and her BF.  I could see a possibility for future contact w/her BF down the road, if he parts ways with your bestie, but not before.

Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim