I don't want it to get better. I just want her gone.

[Thea]

 - how can I do this? OH MY GOD! She is so calm, cool, collective.  ALWAYS steady.  feel like I am the one with the disorder. I am cold, on the verge of a breakdown, completely frazzled. She is so calm and cool. AND QUIETLY MANIPULATIVE.

Yesterday I gave a5 min warning for school. one child was requesting batteries for the xbox controller,I said not now- its almost time for school. The timer went off and SHE GAVE HIM THE BATTERIEs. Am I a narcissist? Am i controlling?is it all about me?

Today I was making dinner. Her favored child wanted a snack, I was saying not yet its almost time to eat. she enters the room and starts to get his snack. I gave hger a look and she said "Oh Im sorry (my first name not mommy) said dinner is almost ready" I get dinner to the table and said child threw his plate at me. I become upset. the  slightly older child gives the favored child a look of anger, what does my SO do? says to me "look at what you've done you have them against each other" yells at the older child and coddles the favored child (age 7 BTW) He proceeds to tell me he hates me and starts to throw things at me while she scorns the older child just for showing his disapproval on his face and coddles the favored child. I literally felt enraged and could barely keep it together - AM I THE NARC? AM I CRAZY? what the hell is happening to me - Im unraveling ... . I feel like vomitting

[Thea]

PLease if there is anyone out there... .I feel like Im going insane

[Turkish]

What's going on?

Edit: kids and a BPD Parent are tough to deal with I know.  This thread has been moved to the Bettering Board so you can get support from members who have gone through similar challenges.

Are you on the verge of leaving the r/s? Are both children hers? Or is one yours?

[Thea]

I dont wnt it to get better. Better just means more worsts are ahead. I just want to stop I just need it to stop

[Turkish]

Thea,

The tools in lesson 3 can help reduce conflict. I used them while living with my ex for
 3 months until she could move out.  We had a 1 and 3 year old at the time.  It helped me survive a very conflictual dynamic. Over 4 years out, I still get static about co-parenting sometimes 

Being in the same home, and especially having a child mirroring the behaviors of a disordered parent is painful. Especially if she blocks you from discipline. A child throwing a plate is unacceptable. 

Are you on the verge of leaving this relationship?

A good,  top level conflict reduction tool is SET: https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

Do you think this could help reduce conflict?

[spero]

Hey there Thea.   I'd like to join Turkish in sending you a warm welcome.

PLease if there is anyone out there... .I feel like Im going insane

I'm sorry to hear about your situation which can surely cause great confusion when there are conflicting approaches to parenting in addition to other differences you are already facing. You must be feeling "sick" to the point of feeling like vomiting. Your situation must have made you feel so disgusted to the point you feel like you're "losing" your sense of self.

So, just as Turkish has presented the question to you, where are you now in this relationship and are on on the verge of leaving? We also have some great tools for learning and trying to make sense of your present situation. 

We're here to listen so let us know how we'd be able to help.

Takecare,
Spero.

[Speck]

Hello again, Thea:

how can I do this? OH MY GOD! She is so calm, cool, collective.  ALWAYS steady.  feel like I am the one with the disorder. I am cold, on the verge of a breakdown, completely frazzled. She is so calm and cool. AND QUIETLY MANIPULATIVE.

Am I a narcissist? Am i controlling?is it all about me?

I literally felt enraged and could barely keep it together - AM I THE NARC? AM I CRAZY? what the hell is happening to me - Im unraveling ... . I feel like vomitting.

Looks like things are really going downhill for you since we last talked. I am so sorry you are dealing with all this. The behavior you have described for us is highly toxic, and I see that you are filled with self-doubt, stress, and suffering. I highly doubt that you are an actual narcissist. Sometimes, when in the thick of it, we start to fear that we are certifiable. I think you're just having the toughest time ever. Please give yourself a break, and be gentle with yourself.

I am so glad that you are reaching out to people from somewhere, anywhere who can help you through this crisis. We are here to help. And, although we can't make this stuff go away, I think that Turkish has offered you a good suggestion, in that, the more you know how to combat the negativity and hostile environment at home, the more peace you will be left with at the end of your day. This much is true.

From what you have written, it appears that your spouse is very much in control of herself, and may very well be enjoying the drama. At this point, the only thing you can do now is to help yourself, Thea. I know you feel trapped right now. Can you please read Lesson #3 - Tools: communication validation, and reinforcement of good behavior and then sleep on the information? Just do this one exercise, friend, and we'll walk you through other action steps on a day-to-day basis, if needed.

I'll touch base with you tomorrow. You are not alone.


-Speck

[Thea]

Is anyone here who has a SO with NPD?

[Gunit1]

Pretty convinced my ex gf was narcissist also

[JNChell]

Hi, Thea!
I suspect that my ex is comorbid BPD/NPD (covert). Are there questions you’re wanting to ask, or a discussion you’d like to start about this?

[Thea]

Since she started disengaging with me particularly 3yrs ago, she is now getting her Narc supply from the empathic child. I am just learning about all this and I have intense guilt and shame and I dont know what to do. I am filled with hate and its tormenting me. I cant just get out. 6mo ago today I tried to make her leave and i failed. I DONT WANT IT TO GET BETTER. I JUST WANT HER GONE. 

[JNChell]

Try to take a few, slow deep breaths. I’d like to read your backstory so I have an idea where you’re coming from. I won’t ask you to repeat it here. If you need to vent, by all means do so.

[Teno]

This type of dynamics also plays out in our family, it also unsettles me. You a good Dad, pat yourself on the back.

[Insom]

Hi, Thea.  Hugs.    I hear how frustrating and painful this is for you.

Is anyone here who has a SO with NPD?

FWIW, my ex was diagnosed BPD with narcissistic and antisocial traits.  I can relate to how difficult these relationships are. 

I DONT WANT IT TO GET BETTER. I JUST WANT HER GONE.

What are the logistics of your situation?  It sound like there are kiddos involved.  Are you in a position to and/or are you ready to leave the household or to ask her to leave?   

[Speck]

Hello, Thea:

How are you feeling today?

Is anyone here who has a SO with NPD?

I think a good chunk of our membership is coping with someone who is comorbid with other Cluster B traits, including NPD. To find these members, you can do a search for threads that filter for NPD-related issues by clicking "SEARCH" on the green banner above and then typing NPD into the search field. Or, you can find the search box here.

Hang in there.


-Speck

[Thea]

Yes- I would like to figure this out. There is stff that just doesnt make sense.

Hi, Thea!
I suspect that my ex is comorbid BPD/NPD (covert). Are there questions you’re wanting to ask, or a discussion you’d like to start about this?

[Thea]

Im feeling extreme exhaustion and fatigue. I feel like my reality is a puzzle, and I want to throw up.

Hello, Thea:

How are you feeling today?

I think a good chunk of our membership is coping with someone who is comorbid with other Cluster B traits, including NPD. To find these members, you can do a search for threads that filter for NPD-related issues by clicking "SEARCH" on the green banner above and then typing NPD into the search field. Or, you can find the search box here.

Hang in there.


-Speck

[NGU]

Is anyone here who has a SO with NPD?

Not SO, but my brother in law has it. I've been watching this play out negatively with my BPD wife for 7+ years now, and have heard many childhood stories.

He essentially ruined Christmas. She was near catatonic for 10 weeks. So until mid-March. And she's going to get triggered again soon because her mom (my mother in law) will be addressing the sudden lack of family unity.

Im feeling extreme exhaustion and fatigue. I feel like my reality is a puzzle, and I want to throw up.

Reality turning into something so illogical and surreal is incredibly unnerving. You're obviously trying to wrap your brain around this, and it sounds like it's making you so anxious you're feeling physical symptoms. It's not fair, but it's understandable... .if that makes sense. A lot of us are there, or have been there.

None of that probably helps you at the moment. But please keep writing. Even if it's a sentence or two at a time.

-ngu

[Thea]

She is getting her supply from the 7yo. I can't do this. I'm scared. I can't just leave. This is going to be bad. If she loses them she is going to want me to lose them too. I am sick. Sick to the very core of my being. She is going to make it impossible for me. Everyone goes down or I keep this life up? I can't breathe. The law isn't there to protect people in my position. WHAT THE HELL DO I DO?

[Insom]

It sounds like you're feeling trapped.  I hear that you want to leave, but feel like you can't because of the kids, and that you're especially concerned about the 7yo in your family.  None of this is easy, but you are not alone!  We've all been there in these difficult relationships to one degree or another and are here to listen and help you sort it out.

WHAT THE HELL DO I DO?

What is your primary question in this moment?  Is it about the 7yo?  Is it whether to leave or stay?  Is it grappling with the enormity of the realization that you're in a destructive relationship?  What feels most immediate for you? 

I'm scared. I can't just leave.

What are you scared of?

[Speck]

Hey, Thea:

Earlier, you expressed some interest in more information regarding significant others with NPD. I believe this short article showcases the phenomenon really well. What do you think? Does the article's content resonate with the behaviors that you are seeing at home?

Keep talking. We're listening.


-Speck

[Thea]

Where doI find lesson three?

Thea,

The tools in lesson 3 can help reduce conflict. I used them while living with my ex for
 3 months until she could move out.  We had a 1 and 3 year old at the time.  It helped me survive a very conflictual dynamic. Over 4 years out, I still get static about co-parenting sometimes 

Being in the same home, and especially having a child mirroring the behaviors of a disordered parent is painful. Especially if she blocks you from discipline. A child throwing a plate is unacceptable. 

Are you on the verge of leaving this relationship?

A good,  top level conflict reduction tool is SET: https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

Do you think this could help reduce conflict?

[Speck]

Hello, Thea:

Where do I find lesson three?

Yes. I can see why this is confusing! I think some things got shifted around, and Lesson 3 is no longer in the sidebar to the right. You can find the lesson titled A 3 Minute Lesson on Ending Conflict by clicking here.

More helpful information on the topic can be found here.

Please let us know what you think about the lesson. We are here for you.

You are not alone.


-Speck