How do I support my parents and uBPD sister from out-of-state?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi everyone,

I *think* my 20 year old younger sister may have undiagnosed BPD (just finished reading Stop Walking on Eggshells at the suggestion of my therapist).

The thing is, she's the opposite of needy. She shuts down and never wants to talk about her feelings. But what makes me suspect BPD is that her emotional reactions seem disproportionate to the situations she reacts to. She has attempted suicide before and my mom told me that sometimes she's perfectly nice and other times she lashes out, blaming and saying hurtful things.

I've been living in a different state for 10 years, so I've been hearing about her problems second-hand from my parents. I've felt guilty for not being there to be a buffer between my sister and my parents, that I accidentally bailed on my family when they might've needed me most. Maybe if I had stayed in-state, I could've done something. At the same time, I have a right to live my own life and I've come to accept that it's not my responsibility to solve my sister's problems and I can't help someone who doesn't want it. She doesn't want me to even mention them. I still feel bad for my parents who live with her and have to deal with her on a daily basis.

So far, I've supported my parents by hearing their complaints and raw feelings about it. It's nothing compared to what many of you have had to suffer through, but it's hard to hear horrible things about my sister from my parents (things like "She's stabbed me in the heart so many times. Sometimes I wish she'd just die". I've also recommended the Walking on Eggshells book to my dad.

I visit home 1-2x/year. Every time I go home, I worry if my sister is going to have an episode and how I'll handle it. I don't know how to validate or be compassionate when I'm "not allowed" to talk about anything real with her. It's hard to feel sincere or to empathize with someone when I'm holding my tongue for fear she'll lash out or attempt suicide. 

My sister has tried therapy multiple times with no improvement (that I've seen). How do I broach the subject of switching to a therapist who has experience with treating BPD? I don't know how she'll react, but I imagine no one would just say "Okay."

Any advice or thoughts are appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

[banabrea]

Hi everyone,

I *think* my 20 year old younger sister may have undiagnosed BPD (just finished reading Stop Walking on Eggshells at the suggestion of my therapist).

The thing is, she's the opposite of needy. She shuts down and never wants to talk about her feelings. But what makes me suspect BPD is that her emotional reactions seem disproportionate to the situations she reacts to. She has attempted suicide before and my mom told me that sometimes she's perfectly nice and other times she lashes out, blaming and saying hurtful things.

I've been living in a different state for 10 years, so I've been hearing about her problems second-hand from my parents. I've felt guilty for not being there to be a buffer between my sister and my parents, that I accidentally bailed on my family when they might've needed me most. Maybe if I had stayed in-state, I could've done something. At the same time, I have a right to live my own life and I've come to accept that it's not my responsibility to solve my sister's problems and I can't help someone who doesn't want it. She doesn't want me to even mention them. I still feel bad for my parents who live with her and have to deal with her on a daily basis.

So far, I've supported my parents by hearing their complaints and raw feelings about it. It's nothing compared to what many of you have had to suffer through, but it's hard to hear horrible things about my sister from my parents (things like "She's stabbed me in the heart so many times. Sometimes I wish she'd just die". I've also recommended the Walking on Eggshells book to my dad.

I visit home 1-2x/year. Every time I go home, I worry if my sister is going to have an episode and how I'll handle it. I don't know how to validate or be compassionate when I'm "not allowed" to talk about anything real with her. It's hard to feel sincere or to empathize with someone when I'm holding my tongue for fear she'll lash out or attempt suicide. 

My sister has tried therapy multiple times with no improvement (that I've seen). How do I broach the subject of switching to a therapist who has experience with treating BPD? I don't know how she'll react, but I imagine no one would just say "Okay."

Any advice or thoughts are appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

[Speck]

Hello, banabrea!



Please allow me to welcome you to the discussion forums. I'm so sorry for what you're going through but glad you have found a community where many of us have been through similar experiences, and we can learn from each other. I believe that you have found the best place in the world for understanding, compassion, and education as it relates to BPD, or facing emotionally intense relationships (as the byline of our logo says). So…we support each other here. I was a little scared when I joined, but mostly about having my fears confirmed. Now that they have been, I'm feeling much better. 

So, again, welcome!

Thank you for sharing with us what you have thus far:

How do I broach the subject of switching to a therapist who has experience with treating BPD?

That's a toughie! I can appreciate your reticence in tackling this question with you sister. One way is to validate her ("I see that you've been having a hard time, sis.", and then to simply ask her if she'd be interested in trying a new/different mode of therapy, and see what she says. Another way is to have your parents do this. Either way, it's going to be up to your sister to embrace the process of DBT.

I know you are here by way of sorrow, but I just want you to know that you are among peers, friend. Unfortunately, there are legions of us! I'm so sorry you and your parents are experiencing this. However, I think you'll find a lot of parallels here - lots of members (including me) have similar stories. You will see from reading the posts here that you are far from alone.

There are also site articles and helpful tools that can be utilized by you to help you navigate this strained relationship. The tools are for YOU, but in time, hopefully, they will assist in improving your overall relationship with your sister.

It may also be helpful for your parents to visit this site, in order for them to gain a deeper understanding of what they've been dealing with at home as well.
 

I believe you will be greatly comforted by the support here and the fact that we really understand what you are going through. We've all been there to varying degrees. Take care of yourself. We will look out for future posts from you.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning!


-Speck

[Mutt]

Hi banabrea,



I'd like to join Speck and welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm glad that you decided to join us there is hope. Read as much as you can about the disorder you will quickly see results and become proficient over time it helps to talk to members that are in similar situations as you. You're not alone.

I agree with Speck that this is a toughie, it has to be difficult for you to be in the middle of all of this. Can I ask you if you're trying to help your parents by trying to get your sister into DBT? I think that it's natural to want to get help for the person that needs it the advice that you're going to get is for the people around the pwBPD change how they act and react to a pwBPD. Once you change everything changes, it sounds like your parents need to set boundaries with your sister maybe that's something that you could suggest to your parents?

I really don't think that there is a right or wrong, I think that mileage may vary. Just be wary that this is how your sister interprets reality it's very real to her, she probably doesn't think that there is anything wrong with it because she doesn't have anything else that's a benchmark for her now. Let's say that I approached you and told you that you have a serious mental illness a mental illness that carries a heavy stigma how would you react?

Another option is that you could radically accept your sister and your parents, you're right you don't have to carry the burden on your shoulders, you have a right to live your life. We cause a lot of distress and suffering when we wish for things to be different instead of accepting things as they are and that's where radical acceptance comes in it's coming to terms with the things that cause us pain, embracing it instead wanting or wishing to change our circumstances, your sister is who she is.