Best and worst times of my life. Can we still stay in contact after she's gone?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

About a year ago, I fell deeply in love with the woman who is now my ex-fiancée. We began dating long-distance and our values, interests, dreams, and hobbies aligned so closely that it quickly became obvious to both of us that we were right for each other. Our interest in each other only grew as we continued to travel to see each other every couple of weeks. Though we both have a lot of past dating experience, it became clear that neither of us had been so sure of a relationship before. Just over four months after we first spent time together, we got engaged. One month later, in October she chose to move to my city so we could live close to each other before our wedding this March. This is when the out-of-control behavior began. By November, it became clear that the problems were serious and I postponed our wedding and we began seeking professional counseling.

During six months of the best and worst times of my life, I began to seek support from friends and family — who invariably urged me toward ending the relationship. I did so once back in January, but recanted after her pleading. Our lives were just too intertwined for a controlled breakup to be practical. About three weeks ago, I finally did it for good.

I'm still in love with her, and giving up on the relationship has been very difficult. I have initiated breakups in past relationships, and in none of those cases have I felt this same level of pain. I will miss her intensely when she moves back to where she originally moved from in one week's time. The question at the moment is whether we can still stay in contact after she's gone. After the breakup, she has returned to her former self. Though she's sad, she's shown almost none of the symptoms I know to be associated with BPD. The promise of returning to the city she loves and friends who care for her has turned her back into the woman I fell in love with. Yet, she fears having a breakdown if we were to cut off communication. I recognize this as a tactic she would use during her episodes of lashing out, yet now she makes this statements calmly and patiently. My friends and family now insist that I should cut off all contact completely for now, but two counselors I have spoken to aren't sure that this is necessary.

Has anyone here faced a similar dilemma?

[ColonelGilberto]

About a year ago, I fell deeply in love with the woman who is now my ex-fiancée. We began dating long-distance and our values, interests, dreams, and hobbies aligned so closely that it quickly became obvious to both of us that we were right for each other. Our interest in each other only grew as we continued to travel to see each other every couple of weeks. Though we both have a lot of past dating experience, it became clear that neither of us had been so sure of a relationship before. Just over four months after we first spent time together, we got engaged. One month later, in October she chose to move to my city so we could live close to each other before our wedding this March. This is when the out-of-control behavior began. By November, it became clear that the problems were serious and I postponed our wedding and we began seeking professional counseling.

During six months of the best and worst times of my life, I began to seek support from friends and family — who invariably urged me toward ending the relationship. I did so once back in January, but recanted after her pleading. Our lives were just too intertwined for a controlled breakup to be practical. About three weeks ago, I finally did it for good.

I'm still in love with her, and giving up on the relationship has been very difficult. I have initiated breakups in past relationships, and in none of those cases have I felt this same level of pain. I will miss her intensely when she moves back to where she originally moved from in one week's time. The question at the moment is whether we can still stay in contact after she's gone. After the breakup, she has returned to her former self. Though she's sad, she's shown almost none of the symptoms I know to be associated with BPD. The promise of returning to the city she loves and friends who care for her has turned her back into the woman I fell in love with. Yet, she fears having a breakdown if we were to cut off communication. I recognize this as a tactic she would use during her episodes of lashing out, yet now she makes this statements calmly and patiently. My friends and family now insist that I should cut off all contact completely for now, but two counselors I have spoken to aren't sure that this is necessary.

Has anyone here faced a similar dilemma?

[ArleighBurke]

You, ultimately, are not responsible for her.

You are responsible for YOU.

Why do you wish to keep in contact?
- You say you still love her - are you secretly hoping things can get better and you can have a relationship again?
- Are you strong enough emotionally to "only" have her as a friend (if that's what you want)?
- Are you going to be able to heal having so much contact with her?
- Are you going to be able to put in place (within YOU), appropriate boundaries so that you don't end up somewhere you don't want to be?

Letting go is hard.

[Mutt]

Hi ColonelGilberto,



I'd like to join ArleighBurke and welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm sorry that you're going through this a break-up with a pwBPD is on a level entirely on it's own it's very painful. You'll find that you'll fit right here, many members can relate with what you're going through it helps to talk.

I agree with ArleighBurke what do you want? No contact is not a hard and fast rule, there are reasons why we suggest self protection when it comes to a break-up with a pwBPD. For example you said that since she is not close to you that she is not acting out as much, a break-up does not cure the disorder, BPD is very serious, think about it try changing your personality is it easy? When you get close to her the acting starts all over again, I agree with ArleighBurke healing isn't going to speed up if you keep in touch it's going to delay your healing, this is a lot of pain.

How about this, instead of completely removing her from your life or keeping in touch with her how about self protection (no contact) for a period until you feel the FOG is gone, you feel stronger where contacting her isn't going to set you back? You can always change your mind.

[Speck]

Hello, ColonelGilberto:

How have you been doing since the last time you shared?

We're here if you need to talk.


-Speck

[ColonelGilberto]

Hi all,

Thank you very much for your feedback. We saw each other a number of times after my first post, with most interactions being overwhelmingly positive — heartbreaking, but positive. As of Saturday, she's moved away and I've been traveling for work. Our communication has averaged a single text per day, with no phone calls. It seems that for now, she has been focusing on building her new life — a pleasant surprise. I think the space is good so I will try to have it continue.