I am on the struggle bus

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Things have been really difficult with my uBPDh for a long time.    I had felt like I was at my breaking point many times in the past, but honestly was scared to leave.  Scared for him, scared for myself.  I got him to go see a PCP (hey, it's a first step, right?)  who put him on an anti-anxiety medication.  He was so much better.  The rages and fighting stopped.  We could agree to disagree and it was ok.  I was actually hopeful that we would be able to work on this relationship together and move in a healthy direction.  I feel that that's where we were going.

[lotus74]

Things have been really difficult with my uBPDh for a long time.    I had felt like I was at my breaking point many times in the past, but honestly was scared to leave.  Scared for him, scared for myself.  I got him to go see a PCP (hey, it's a first step, right?)  who put him on an anti-anxiety medication.  He was so much better.  The rages and fighting stopped.  We could agree to disagree and it was ok.  I was actually hopeful that we would be able to work on this relationship together and move in a healthy direction.  I feel that that's where we were going.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey lotus74, Where is the bus headed now?  Are you still hopeful that things can work out?  How long have you been married to your uBPDh?  When you get to that breaking point you mention, what keeps you in it?  You mention fear, which is normal.  Is it a fear of the unknown, or some other fear that causes you to retreat?  I've asked a lot of questions, I know, in order to figure out what's really going on.  Fill us in, when you can.  LJ

[Mutt]

Hi lotus74,

I’m sorry that things didn’t work out the way that they were intended  There is no medication for BPD depression and anxiety gets treated first because most pwBPD have clinical depression that makes the BPD symptoms worse. So you try to get the depression and anxiety under control then it’s easier to focus on the BPD traits. Are you struggling with your portion of his?

[lotus74]

Thanks so much for the replies.  I actually wasn't done with my story, but was interrupted and had to shut down quickly. 

I am struggling with depression right now.  I have been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder any dysthymia in the past and even taken medication, but am not on anything currently. 

I have been with my uBPDh for 11 years, married for 9.  A recent traumatic event has sent him off into dysregulation.  He left our home on Tuesday of this week, packing his clothes and telling me that he would be back in a few days to get the rest of his things.  He did text me and picked up some more  of his things on Thursday before I got home from work.  That is the only communication that I have had with him.  I have been struggling with extreme anxiety.  It has been hard to eat or sleep.  I honestly want this to be the end.  I am running on empty.  I feel like I have nothing left emotionally.

I am looking into my employers EAP to see about getting started with a therapist.  I found some therapists that specialize in BPD, but they are really expensive.   I have also started to make contact with some old friends that I was isolated from by my uBPDh.

I read the article on no contact and found it very helpful.  I do have a lot of fear.  I am afraid that this is not the end.  I am afraid that I will not be strong enough to end this for good.  I am no longer afraid of him leaving, or of being alone.  I have been the primary bread winner for a long time as he has a hard time staying at a job.  I know that I can do this on my own.  I want to put as much distance as I can between us so that I can start to emotionally heal.  It is a real struggle to not text him to make sure he is ok and to show him how much I care about him.  I realize that that is dysfunctional thinking. 

I just don't know what to do with myself right now.  I'm not sure what my next step should be.  Should I change the locks on the house?  Drop his phone from my cellular plan?  Find a divorce lawyer?  My uBPDh has a pending court case from a car accident (the traumatic event) and I don't want to do anything to send him over the edge (he threatens suicide quite frequently).  At the same time I feel like I need to take some actions, just not sure what.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey lotus74, I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling.  Your situation is quite familiar to many of us, so you are not alone.  The place to start, I suggest, is by treating yourself with care and compassion.  Try to focus on your needs, not his.  What can you do to alleviate the symptoms of depression.  Medication, of course, can be helpful, as can therapy.  Yet you can also be gentle with yourself and avoid harsh self-judgments.  What are some of the activities help you to relieve stress, like taking a walk, listening to music, getting a good workout, writing in a journal, practicing mindfulness meditation, etc.?  Now is the time to do some of those things.

LuckyJim

[lotus74]

Thanks Jim.  I really needed that reminder.  I can be gentle with myself.  I was a massage therapist for many years, practiced yoga, meditated... .all things lost to the black hole of need that is BPD.  I do need to take care of myself and my needs. 

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Lotus74,  I have been in a similar situation.  There is a lot of support here and it has been extremely helpful to me. 

It’s good that you have confidence in your ability to take care of yourself.  One way I take care of myself is by getting a massage and I love yoga.  Definitely those things are good for the soul.

I think it is normal to be scared for your significant other.  You have been together for a long time.  So go easy on yourself.  Getting past this feeling is not simple.  My husband and I were married for over 30 years.  I have had to release my anxiety over his feelings and his troubles and it has been difficult, but not impossible.

About taking action, specifically changing the locks.  Are you fearful of him?  Are just wanting to keep him from returning?

Taking care of yourself and learning about boundaries are good actions to take.  There is a link to a good article on the left hand side of this page.  It is called Understanding Your Situation.

Let us hear more of how you are doing.

Blessings and Peace,

Mustbe

[lotus74]

Hi Mustbe

Thanks so much for your reply.  I have read some of your posts and know that you have been through a lot of the same things as I have.  At times I felt like I was reading my own story.

I changed the locks for several reasons.  Yes, one was to just keep him from returning.  And yes, at times I have been scared of him.  He has never hit me, but did put his hands around my throat once, many times has physically kept me from leaving the house, tried to wrestle my phone from my hands. 
His raging was really scary with treats of suicide and lots of destruction of property.  I don't think that he would come here and try anything right now.  Because of his current criminal charges from his car accident, he is basically out on bail, so if the police were called it would be really bad for him.  A few weeks ago he started raging at me and I told him that he needed to calm down or I would call the police. 

I am trying to take care of myself.  I have booked a massage this weekend.  I have set up an appointment with a therapist.  Planning a visit with a friend. 

[Lucky Jim]

I am trying to take care of myself.  I have booked a massage this weekend.  I have set up an appointment with a therapist.  Planning a visit with a friend. 

Keep up the good work, lotus74!  Those are all positive signs.

LJ

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi lotus74,

Isn’t it strange to read someone’s story and have it be so close to your own experience?  It’s odd, but at the same time reassuring that you are not the only one going through these things.

If changing the locks makes you feel more secure, then that’s a good idea.  The intimidation you describe it familiar to me, also.  In your earlier post you said you were concerned about him and wondering how he was.  I have been in the same dilemma.  At times, you are fearful, but when he is caring and loving, you feel drawn in.  But, I am telling myself that being fearful of your SO is never a good thing.  In my case, the intimidation and fear ultimately broke the relationship.

Wonderful that you are taking care of yourself, have scheduled a massage and have a therapy appointment.  Sounds like progress.

Take good care. 

Blessings and Peace,

Mustbe