I have an undiagnosed BPD husband and I suffer from pmdd

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi there. I don't really know where to start here because it's like I'm in a hurricane.
One second things are going along, then bam a train hits you. Suprise!
I'm not sure how to separate so many problems. I myself know that I have pmdd. These symptoms where present in past relationships and I think my current relationship amplifies it.
I have always had depression issues since I was a small child.
I never knew what narcissism was but after reading some info on Partners of BPD's.
I can clearly see myself in the category and I am extremely passive aggressive, and I am, hard to please. Sometimes I'm an awful person and a bad mother. No sympathy needed. I know these things to be true and I want to have a happy life. I want my kids to be strong, brave and HAPPY in life.
I don't know how to teach this though because I have never had it.

My BPD has currently left me. Our relationship goesd on a and on like this.
It could be a month or a week or at Most 3 moths were things are seeming to be better then he usually leaves for anywhere from 2 days to 10 days.
He drains all our money. (Which is only his to begin with) he quits jobs, he destroys the house, car, photos, any electronic and then we start over.
He is the best guy in the world sometimes... but it hasn't been anytime resent...
I lied to him about a past relationship and he humiliates me and shames me with it and the details he can remember so vividly.
It was years ago.
I have always been faithful to him.
There is no,intimacy in our life.
If I try to get love in any form I'm shut down.
And by love I mean a hug. A kiss. Holding hands. I'm always doing it at the wrong time. Like his hand is too sweaty. I'll say I don't care I just like holding your hand he'll. Say it is embarrassing and he doesn't appreciate me pushing him.
I mount him in bed. He tells me I'm smothering him, to get off. I'm not skinny but I'm not obese here.
He'll sometime pat me on the back if I hug him but dismiss it quickly.
I don't know it's heartbreaking and I explained this to him last time,we "broke up" for 5 days and nothing has changed.
Nothing ever changes. He won't seek therapy and I am trapped with no car, no family or friends and no money. I couldn't see the therapist though I desperately want to. He makes it impossible. And I let him!
I have this fascination with thinking if I'm strong enough if I can control my temper and my feelings and bottle them all. then I can handle all his emotions,he dishes out and grin and bear it.  But it's hopeless and tiring.
I think our life would be better seperated.
We have children and as I said I have no outside supports.

I wish for death a lot, nit in I'm going to kill myself but I pray for a plane to fall from the sky, only wiping me out.

[Catlady3.14]

Hi there. I don't really know where to start here because it's like I'm in a hurricane.
One second things are going along, then bam a train hits you. Suprise!
I'm not sure how to separate so many problems. I myself know that I have pmdd. These symptoms where present in past relationships and I think my current relationship amplifies it.
I have always had depression issues since I was a small child.
I never knew what narcissism was but after reading some info on Partners of BPD's.
I can clearly see myself in the category and I am extremely passive aggressive, and I am, hard to please. Sometimes I'm an awful person and a bad mother. No sympathy needed. I know these things to be true and I want to have a happy life. I want my kids to be strong, brave and HAPPY in life.
I don't know how to teach this though because I have never had it.

My BPD has currently left me. Our relationship goesd on a and on like this.
It could be a month or a week or at Most 3 moths were things are seeming to be better then he usually leaves for anywhere from 2 days to 10 days.
He drains all our money. (Which is only his to begin with) he quits jobs, he destroys the house, car, photos, any electronic and then we start over.
He is the best guy in the world sometimes... but it hasn't been anytime resent...
I lied to him about a past relationship and he humiliates me and shames me with it and the details he can remember so vividly.
It was years ago.
I have always been faithful to him.
There is no,intimacy in our life.
If I try to get love in any form I'm shut down.
And by love I mean a hug. A kiss. Holding hands. I'm always doing it at the wrong time. Like his hand is too sweaty. I'll say I don't care I just like holding your hand he'll. Say it is embarrassing and he doesn't appreciate me pushing him.
I mount him in bed. He tells me I'm smothering him, to get off. I'm not skinny but I'm not obese here.
He'll sometime pat me on the back if I hug him but dismiss it quickly.
I don't know it's heartbreaking and I explained this to him last time,we "broke up" for 5 days and nothing has changed.
Nothing ever changes. He won't seek therapy and I am trapped with no car, no family or friends and no money. I couldn't see the therapist though I desperately want to. He makes it impossible. And I let him!
I have this fascination with thinking if I'm strong enough if I can control my temper and my feelings and bottle them all. then I can handle all his emotions,he dishes out and grin and bear it.  But it's hopeless and tiring.
I think our life would be better seperated.
We have children and as I said I have no outside supports.

I wish for death a lot, nit in I'm going to kill myself but I pray for a plane to fall from the sky, only wiping me out.

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[Mutt]

Hi Catlady3.14,



Id like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I’m sorry that you’re going through a tough time  I can understand how disorienting it can be when you have a lot going on. Many members here like you didn’t know where start, it doesn’t matter it helps to talk and eventually over time you’ll get everything out it takes time to sort through. That’s what we’re here for. You’re not alone.

Im sorry to hear that you’re feeling depressed, depression is tough. Have you talk to an MD or GP about depression?

[Harri]

Hi catlady and welcome to the site!  I am so sorry that things are difficult and seem to be on a repeat cycle.  We have a lot of posters here who are or were in a similar position so you are definitely not alone.  You found a great place for the support you are looking for as well as a site that has tools that help you deal with aspects of your self and your relationship.

Mutt is right that it takes time.  We can help guide you as you tell us more of your story, learn the tools and make any decisions about your situation.

Looking forward to hearing more from you.

[Catlady3.14]

I have cried all day and night. It's terrible to try and hide it from my little one. He asks why I am so sad. And I try and explain, mommy is just sad and it is okay to be sad sometimes but that he makes me very happy and I love him.
Its hard to get anywhere to see a doc. I am stuck with no car, no money and I have no,friends or family. We moved 800 miles away to try and start over and it blew up the first 2 months we were here. Off and on again fights.
Both of us seen a therapist twice last year but the first visit was an initial and the second time he said he really like the guy when we left, then the following day he refused to ever go back saying the therapist was working him and categorized him and he wasn't tolerating that sh!t.
I recently lost my job because he up and left me one day, almost out of the blue.
He said because I wasn't leaving,him,enough money to stay at home. He had filed for a house and got it but he when he got approved was in the mood to stay.
 We decided that it would be best for,me to stay home and care for the kids. My 12year old is a bit difficult to handle and so and him do not have a good relationship. He got a job and kept it for three days. He took the stress out on me the day before and then the first day he liked it. I was relieved.
Then I asked for some intimacy and he shot me down, I shouldn't have asked because I know he Never lets me instigate, we went to bed and the next morning I made a comment about how I was too unattractive. He lost it on me. Went to work didn't speak to me that day or the next.
His manager said something to him and he quit.
He came home and started in on me and how it was my fault he quits jobs because he has to deal with my carp at home and can't deal with any slight outside of that.
I know,it is just an overflow of anger and hurt he has inside. But he is the most hurtful person I have ever known. And can be the most loving.
I could talk for days.
I think this is close to the end for us. I don't want it to be but a huge part of me would,be relieved to not,have to deal with it.
When he leaves he says he won't have anything to do with me or our kid and well never see him again. That he is going to disappear. His oldest is still with me.
It's  scary, and I'm terrified he'd kill himself. He is BIG on self harm. He would cut himself and tell me it was all for me.
But I know he did before me and after.
He finally stopped, when I did it in front of him. I'm not one to cut or hurt myself physically.
So he started hiding it from me and promising me he wasn't.  He was, is.

[Catlady3.14]

Thank you for the welcome. And the kind words. I had doubt anyone would respond.
Thank you.

[Mutt]

I recently lost my job because he up and left me one day, almost out of the blue.
He said because I wasn't leaving,him,enough money to stay at home.

What happened here? Did his actions interrupt you at work? How did you feel about work?

[Catlady3.14]

Well, this was just  last month.
This is when he decided he was filing for an apartment or housing, without a threat of it. Over the course of 5-6 days He got progressively madder and madder until one day he said " #itch I got a application in for housing and should be approved this Friday.  He did get approved for one, two weeks later ( now two weeks ago) but at the time he was content with working on things and him,getting a job and me staying home.
The day he told me I told him to take it and we could be done if that is what he needed.
He left for 5 days leaving me with no,car no,sitter.

I enjoyed my job a lot and was successful at it. It helped me to be out of the,house and feel human a bit.
It gave me a needed break from the house and kids.
But I agreed to stay home and let him find a job this go. I haven't brought it since.

[Catlady3.14]

Currently he,just came home. As if nothing has happened.
I said. To my little one say hey daddy and he spoke with the baby for a while.
Then He sat on the couch abd looked angry for 40 minutes. He didn't have a cigarette so I said if you'd like one they're on the porch. He responded "I'm good" then he said
I didn't like your message so I just didn't respond, whats the problem?
I didn't say anything because it was just bait for a fight.
He took a shower and then I asked if I could use the car to go to the store. He sat the key on the couch with no verbal response.
I was gone maybe 45 minutes. And when we ( the baby and i) got back he said" I haven't slept in 3 days I been on a couch with no heat"
Then he went t sleep.
I don't even know what to do.
How do I approach a conversation. With him?
I read all the insight and tools and I, have a hard time putting,them into play because he. Says it is all psychology garbage and can talk me in a circle. By then end of our conversations I'm saying how sorry I Am abd how I can change.
Its awful.




WWW  Personal Message (Offline)
   
Re: COMMUNICATION: D.E.A.R.M.A.N. technique
« Reply #5 on: November 23, 2011, 12:10:33 PM »
Reply with quoteQuotew to approach a conversation

[Radcliff]

Catlady,

I'm so sorry you are in a tough spot right now.  When we become beaten down and isolated, it's hard to act effectively for our own good.  You've taken a great first step by asking for help here!  You need to build your confidence and support system.  bpdfamily can help with that.  This is a very supportive place!

Tell us a little more about your situation.  How long have you been in your new town?  In your old town, what things kept you connected and supported?

Do you live in the country, suburbs, or city?  Are there public buses or other ways to get around? 

You need to get out of your home and in front of real people, to get some of that human contact you said you're now missing since you're not working.  Do you have any ideas for activities or things you could do to get that human contact?

WW

[juju2]

Welcome!

You found a great community, there is hope, help, and healing here!


Keep posting.  Journal.

Get everything out, out of my head.  Inside my head is a bad neighborhood.  I have to get all out  w a closed mouth friend, someone I trust, it's poison if I don't express these thoughts.  I have to do excellent self care.  Top notch.
You can do this!

j

[Mutt]

His comment about talking around psych talk is his way of saying don’t try it with me. I just want to share something I used to fight with my ex we had horrible fights where I didn’t even want to come home after work.

Granted I don’t live with her anymore so I do have advantages a simple tool that has helped many members us to not JADE don’t Justify Attack Defend or Explain. A pwBPD can’t self sooth and will try to bait to bait you, you don’t have over someone power if you don’t don’t give them anything to use.

I’ll give you an example if my exuBPDw thinks that the sky is red when in fact it’s not I used to try to reason with her, present facts, argue my position etc and it just went nowhere it was long senseless fights that made me feel more depressed, anxious and distressed. There’s a retired moderator that has a signature that I draw on when I think about my ex

Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real

Reality is open to interpretation, interpretation to a pwBPD can mean that it’s many opportunities for conflict. Think about witnesses at an accident everyone will recount what they saw visually perhaps slightly different then the next person, if she wants to believe that the sky is red and gold on to that idea fine so be it because I know my reality and I don’t JADE it.

Feelings equals facts to a pwBPD so with individual feelings are real in mind, prioritize what a pwBPD feels and validate as long as it’s something that is valid. Don’t JADE, validate what valid don’t valid the invalid.

Do you live in the country, suburbs, or city?  Are there public buses or other ways to get around?

You need to get out of your home and in front of real people, to get some of that human contact you said you're now missing since you're not working.

This is what I was getting at, I want to add to what Wentworth can you carpool perhaps to a particular job, maybe give a coworker some gas money?

Get everything out, out of my head.  Inside my head is a bad neighborhood.  I have to get all out  w a closed mouth friend, someone I trust, it's poison if I don't express these thoughts.

I agree I spoke about validating a pwBPD you but you need validation as well, you can’t really go to a pwBPD for validation so you turn to people that will listen to you and get it like people in this group. Also to echo juju2 do you have non judgemental family members or friends you don’t have to have many people maybe one or two that you can confide in in real life?

From everything shared here he has a mostly negative point of you so if you’re getting that type of feedback about yourself it’s distorted it’s not really you need to connect with other people, I think that your idea of getting out of the house, socializing with others will help you. Maybe you can set up an account for yourself for emergency money, money down for a car, is there a goal that you can think of?

[Catlady3.14]

I appreciate being able to get it out on here and not have someone telling what I "need" to do. Everyone is in a different situation and just keeping track of what is going on and having some feed back and socialization is good.
I live in a small town.
We have been getting outside abd going to the library some. But that's about all the resources we have available.

We still haven't spoken.
I want and need
... to be respected. Not talked down to.
... to have a relationship that can communicate with one another.
... to have security in a partnership. Able to depend on one another.
... to get into therapy and deal with my own issues, so that I can be a better partner and parent and person.

That's all I got so far.
I'm unsure how to ask for that and to get and keep it.

[Catlady3.14]

I literally have No family and No friends.  I no longer have contact with any old friends and could not,trust any of them to confide in. I am,not in contact with. Family and couldn't confide in them either.
I have a few(2) members of his family. But if I am,close with them he gets angryy, jealous and feels betrayed.
I have no income.
I was thinkingof posting an ad to babysit.
So I could get some cash.- In their home since mine is very unstable.
When he works the money is his. And I can't ask for much without him going off. He would make me feel bad for asking to buy tampons or baby stuff.
So I  stopped asking for anything. When he gave me cash it was with a,purpose such as... we need xyz... the money given,was accounted for.
He would say that if me and my kids didn't treat him with respect we didn't deserve ___.
That makes me so resentful and bitter.
The Times that I was working. he expected me to hand him my full check, because we were a team.
The one time I didn't lay all the money down he took the money from,my wallet (this would have been,war had I done this Ever) and then he said I wasn't giving him enough to stay at home.
( this was the last job and why he became increasingly madder and I lost this job, there is so much info it is hard to be complete and detailed to each event)
When he took the money from my wallet he had 130$ for a ten day span. Not cash I had designated to something, but cash in his pocket.
Honestly, that is more money than I have had from him to be unaccounted for in our entire relationship!
I haven't worked much since I had the baby. I have had 3 jobs that lasted less than 2 months. In the past 3 years.


*I apologize for the grammar and punctuation my phone is horrible. Working with a 1995 model *

[Radcliff]

Hello Catlady,

Interfering with your transportation, interfering with your ability to work, taking your money... .those are all concerning behaviors.  I am sorry you are in such a tough situation.  Reducing your isolation is the first step to making things better.

One thing you can do immediately is start to increase the sense of community you feel at bpdfamily.  Maintain an active thread of your own, like you're doing here, but also read the posts of others and reply in their threads to offer support.  Simply expressing support is enough -- you don't need to have answers for them.  Sometimes something about their situation may strike a chord with you, and you'll have more to say.  You will start to get to know people here, and follow their stories.  It is a real community.

The babysitting idea sounds great!  Pet sitting or dog walking are related possibilities.  You might also see if there are any older people within walking distance of your home who may need someone to stop in and check on them.  As the weather gets warmer, can you start taking walks around your home?  Vary your route and get to know the area, who has kids, who has pets, who is old and might need help.

But you also need "live" support.  Make a list and brainstorm everything that is within walking distance of your home -- parks, churches, schools, potential places of employment, etc.  Are there things you can walk to?  Would you be open to finding a church to join?  I'm not trying to push religion, but in a small town, a church is a key place for support, volunteering opportunities, etc.  Can you walk to the library?  Can you volunteer at the library?

The babysitting idea is great.  Got for it!  What other thoughts do you have on ways to get some more in-person interaction?

WW

[Catlady3.14]

Thank you, I'm so glad I found this place.
 I have thought about going to a Church, but I don't have the same beliefs. So I feel a bit hypocritical, but I think the community factor would be incredible.
We take a walk every day it is decent enough. And I am looking for places to volunteer, where I can also take my little one. We have been visiting the library and getting to know the librarian a bit. Also going to join their little ones book club.
I am full time mom, no breaks. 
SO doesn't interact at all while he is on this side of his mood.
 He is giving me the silent treatment. ... we haven't spoken since he came home. I think this will be day 3.
I haven't really tried to have a. Conversation with him though because if he isn't ready to talk we'll only fight.
I have been reading and working through the stop walking on eggshells work book. I also have the original book coming to our library.
It's really difficult understand where and when to apply the tools and such to your life because each situation is so different. I'm trying and reading as much as I can.

Does anyone else suffer with pmdd?


 

[Radcliff]

Hello CatLady,

That's great that you've found the library as a resource!  How old is your little guy?  When my kids were little, I found work relaxing compared to taking care of the kids!

I'm sorry to hear about the PMDD.  I don't know of any members who suffer from it, but I bet if you stick around long enough, you'll run into someone who does.  Do you know how to go to your user settings and update your profile?  You could put it in your profile if you want.

I'm also sorry to hear about the silent treatment.  When silent treatment goes beyond a short period because someone is upset, and becomes a method of control, it can be considered abusive.  I'm not mentioning that to make you feel bad, or to say you should jump and do something about it right now.  But when we're isolated and one person defines our reality, it's easy to lose track of "normal."  I've found that sharing what was happening in my life with the folks here helped me keep my bearings.

I've been to a variety of churches in my life, and do not qualify as a regular church goer, so again, I'm not pushing religion, more advocating community, particularly in the situation where you are isolated.  Churches that I've been to vary quite a bit as far as how rigid they are about beliefs.  Most are very accepting, and your personal beliefs can stay inside your head.  In most cases, they are happy to have a new potential church member.  Don't worry about hypocrisy.  Shop around, attend a few churches and before or after service coffees, etc., and see if you feel comfortable at any.  OK, that's the last I'll mention on that topic

That's great that you have the Eggshells workbook!  Yes, it can seem pretty complicated to take that book knowledge and put it to work in real life.  Some are easier than others.  That's what bpdfamily is for, we support each other as we practice the skills.  Often, things don't go as planned, and we talk about it to see what we could do differently next time. 

What tool in the workbook do you think you'd like to try using in real life first?

WW

[Catlady3.14]

I waited til 12:30 to wake him up with coffee and ask him if he would like to go to,therapy. We've. Been in silent mode til then I stayed calm, tried to outwardly. Anyways.
I was met with how stupid I am and how it makes sense to save the gas money I'm wasting to go and blah blah blah.
I tried to just block out the comments and get out of the house. Because I didn't want the baby to hear all he says.
Grrrrr... .I want to scream and rage and destroy. But I know it will lead me no where. Inside my mind though that's what is happening. And im breaking and torn which makes me feel so weak and hurt.  
(Previously he has taken my personal things... social security cards, wallets etc... .and I couldn't find my wallet so I asked him if he had taken it?)
Today was my first day of therapy.  the lady that I spoke with. She seemed very much against people with BPD.
And I don't want someone to try to persuade me to leave or not be with this person that destroys me and I terribly love at the same time. And all the while I'm laughing at myself for knowing that is person doesn't love me atleast the way I need and doesn't seem fazed to say the most heart wrenching things to me.  In front of my kids in front of anyone.
So anyway, I came home and he was asleep so. I made dinner and. Was hoping he would maybe feel better or go back to silent mode.
He comes down muttering profanity.  Not going to go well.
He comes over and tells me to give him what's in my hand because it was his. I said no. It was just his it was ours and I was using it. He could have It in a minute. Well he takes the key says it's his tell he gets what's his and all this
 I sat this unimportant object down and walk away.
He said we haven't been talking and we don't need to. ... so ask I sit silently he is spouting off about every mean nasty thing you could imagine and I say to him I don't like he way you're talking to me and I don't like how disrespectful you're being.
He said I was accusing him of being a thief by asking fir my wallet.
Then he said he was leaving me again. And I asked why he was still here then?
He looks at me with this hate that I couldn't possibly explain. I mean it's two totally different people.
So he left again last night to God knows where...

[Catlady3.14]

I wrote most that last post last night. I didn't see your post ww. Til just now.
Honestly  .  I'm 90 pages in the work book and so far it has just examined my own views and explained traits and BPD.
I haven't got to a tool to use quite yet.
I have to do something because when I am not social I feel like I'm vanishing. Like everything is lost.
I know people think I'm crazy when I'm in public. I'm disheveled and barely there. But I can't stay coupes in the house. And only be viewed by him, which means I don't exist.

WW I don't mind religion,  though I don't have a faith in God. I think religion brings people together and it helps many people.
I may go to a more liberal church here. I think it would be good socialization for my little one.( he is almost 3)
He is the sweetest man you'd ever meet! And so smart, too smart!
I am not sure how because I haven't been the mom I should be. But I have amazing kids! Smart, talented,  beautiful,  and kind.

[Radcliff]

Catlady,

How nice about your kids!  Smart and kind -- that's a good combo   I am sure they learned that kindness from you by example.  You are undoubtedly a much better mother than you are giving yourself credit for.  The most valiant parenting happens in tough situations. 

Therapists can be a critical part of our support and growth, but many are not very experienced with BPD, and also not experienced with abusive situations.  They sometimes can give us run messages when we are still trying to work things out, or when immediately leaving is not practical.  The main task in front of you is to build your strength and maintain your own reality outside of his.  The feeling you mentioned of not wanting to disappear is common -- you are not alone in having that feeling.  The fact that you are being deliberate in reaching out for support and getting out in public to see others is huge.

You mentioned not feeling presentable when you go out in public.  If you're made to feel guilty for buying basic self care products, and are feeling down, it's totally understandable.  What would you need to do to take the bull by the horns and change that?

Regarding tools, have you heard of the term, "Justify, Argue, Defend, and Explain?"  We use the acronym
JADE.  Check out that link.  Avoiding JADE is my favorite tool to start with because it is one of the simpler ones to use.  We just have to bite our tongues!  Sometimes it's hard to do that, but if we can get in the habit, it saves a lot of energy and reduces conflict -- you can see some quick results.  Do you see opportunities to put that tool to use?

WW

[Catlady3.14]

Currently there is no opportunity to use any tools because I am being shut down by any interaction. He is not presently here and I really think he reads into the things non_BPD partners tools and approaches to counter any attempt to better myself or our relationship.
He is so incredibly intelligent. And knows somthing about every subject you could imagine.  (One of the things I so much love about him) but he uses that to invalidate me or my opinions on everything.
I am getting to the part of the work book that is suppose to explain tools and how to apply them.
It is hard to not just cave to what ever he wants in an attempt be happy but there is no real happiness by doing that.

[Harri]

Hi Catlady. 

I see you have been making some changes in your life and it is wonderful.  Getting outside, going to the library, reading and working the eggshells books, counseling, thinking of ways to interact with others are all great for self care.  I struggle with getting out too.  Our circumstances are different but we have some of the same tasks to work on.  My T is currently trying to get me to find one reason every day to leave the house.    I am not always successful but I am working on it and just knowing that makes me feel better about myself.  isolation can affect us in such negative ways.

About the tools.  Hmmm.  I can see how they are difficult to use given your situation and how your pwBPD is.  I wonder if in addition to the communication tools you focus some of your time on learning about and understanding the behaviors of pwBPD might be of benefit as well.  Reading about and understanding Splitting might help you understand the root of some of his mood swings.  Knowing about Projection can put a lot of the things he says about you and to you in perspective.  I do not suggest learning about these things so you can understand him better or worse try to help him with them, but more to put his behaviors in context which can help you to depersonalize the behaviors.  Some of what a pwBPD says and does can be quite hurtful.  Knowing what is happening can allow you to focus more on yourself and protecting you from the fall-out.  I am not sure what else might help you change how you look at your situation.  It is very difficult thats for sure.  Protecting yourself mentally and emotionally is very important as you work on learning and using the skills others have shared here.

When you think about your support system, do not underestimate the help you can receive here by being active.  I'm just echoing what others have said in this thread   I can't really explain how much the people on these boards have helped me change my thought processes and have given me strength to do so.  Look at how much you have been doing in the short time since you posted here!  Good work!

[Catlady3.14]

I appreciate the encouragement.
I am really trying to maybe just be happy. I want to be with this person and have a family but i know I can't continue it this way.
 I love him dearly! And I really wish that he would just attempt counseling. Really attempt it.
It's hard to see and know that with help we could possibly be happy together and work towards a better relationship and the other half just won't.
I haven't completely given up hope but it's diminishing quickly!

I really appreciate the links to splitting and projection!
I have the world's oldest phone so to view the screen I wasn't seeing links to it, as much as I have read through the tools and insights.
Now that I know where the lessons section is I will be going through all of that.

Now I know that no one can tell me to stay or go or what not but...

Given that he is not contacting me and when he is home it is a fight. But I don't want him to feel as though he's alone, I don't want him to feel like he has no one.
In the past it is always me who says to please come home well work on it and I love him. But I realize that hasn't got me anywhere.
AndI realize if we never speak again no relationship can take place either.
Should I maintain no contact.
(in the past, He has proclaimed that it is only him compromising that brings him home and he is done compromising.)
How do you smoothly maintain that you need xyz for the relationship to continue and also be there for them?
Is that possible?
What are some examples where you were able to do that? What was the conversation like?

My xyz is ... .
No verbal abuse. No fighting,screaming.
I would like him to go to therapy.
That's really about it.

Hat

[Radcliff]

It is hard to not just cave to what ever he wants in an attempt be happy but there is no real happiness by doing that.

Very true.  The temptation to cave in to keep the peace can be overwhelming, but continuing to cave does not fix things.  This is a key realization you have come to.   

My xyz is ... .
No verbal abuse. No fighting,screaming.
I would like him to go to therapy.
That's really about it.

Therapy is a long-term goal, and hard to "get" someone to do.  They must find the motivation.  There are things we can do, though.  Let's push that question off for a bit, wait for your husband's suicide threats (as you described in your other thread) to calm down, and focus on near term goals like verbal abuse, fighting, and screaming.  But I don't want to start on those until we know things are calm and safe, so I'll wait for an update from you on that.

WW

[Catlady3.14]

His suicide threat has past and he is talking to me again.
He has not come ho me though.
His "cheating" seems to be petty. I am not sure I can believe that it or not.
As much as I want to believe it. I'm really hurt.I
I know I can not make him go to therapy.

I have asked if he wanted to go, my first day but didn't insist he should or had to.
I told him in a recent message that I would like for him to go and that I was going to keep going.

He admits that he probably should do therapy and dbt and he is actually the one who brought up BPD. I would have never ran across it.
I was trying to find all the things wrong with me, not him.
Once he brought it up after reading about it he admitted to me he thought he had it. Because almost all the criteria for it was relevant to him. And he honestly felt those same ways.

I then began digging into the BPD info and trying to understand it.
Though it seems a much as I modify myself and myreacts  it hasn't quite helped as much as we need it to. And he (I believe)
Had read the info for a non_bp and counter acts to my approaches. Throwing it in my face that I am trying to use therapy garbage on him.
Probably due to me not seeming sincere. Though I am sincere, just trying to abide by this guide line of dealing with a pwBPD.I

[Catlady3.14]

Also trying to understand in the moment what he is going through and what he feels and how to respond is difficult for me personally.
He expects me to be quick in my responses when he asks me some thing. I am not that quick as I have issues with saying things in the way I mean them on a regular day.
I am the person to say things backwards without intending it that way.
Like I might say, when are you planning on going back?
Instead of, how long do we get to keep you?

[Harri]

Hi Catlady.  It is good he is past the initial crisis and is again talking with you.  How are you doing after all  the stress and anxiety?

I am glad you will continue to go to therapy and I also think it is best that you are going alone at this point.  It is another source of support for you which is so important right now.  As Wentworth said, it is up to your husband to seek help for himself.  

Take you time in responding to him.  When you say you tend to say things backwards are you basing that on how he reacts to what you say?  Just trying to get a better picture of what is going on with the communication.  It is difficult to talk with someone with BPD and not have your comments taken incorrectly.  

[Catlady3.14]

He takes every comment the worst it could be taken.

But yes I often say things in a backwards manner. I have always been that way I guess. Not just his opinion of me.
Though he expects me to be instant in. Response and it is difficult. I'm working on having safe instant responses like

I can see your really upset. I want to process all of this but I need a few minutes, hours ,says etc.

Like I said tho when he heard this or something close he says it's not sincere so I don't know a better approach?

[Catlady3.14]

Now that he is talking to me... .(his words)

He is not going to be controlled by me.
He didn't cheat and he's not going to pay for it. Because I have done worse.
He isn't going to be pushed to therapy or have ultimatums.
He can't deal with me losing my mind once a month with my period and he is not going to sit at home while I work because I won't control him and how much money he has while I have more cash in my pocket than him.
He isn't going to look for a job either as he can't deal with my crap and that of a supervisor or coworker.


( I have nt given an ultimatum or said that he will have to pay for anything. I feel as though I'm being pretty lax in my react to his non_cheating. I have questioned the situation, to understand what exactly happened. I asked him if he was using drugs. I have said that I am very hurt and it feels like cheating to me. I said I don't think I would be comfortable with him going there again but I can't control that. I haven't screamed cussed or told him he was bad,nothing negative.
I think it would be best for each of us to work and my little one to be in daycare rather then depending on one another and feeling like one controls the other.
I told him that I could stay calm now if he wanted to talk in person. If he too could stay calm. I just didn't want to fight or scream because it hurts the kids to hear us that way.
I told him if he is not able to do that right now he doesn't have to.

[Catlady3.14]

Harri


As for how I am feeling after the the suicide threats.
I feel manipulated. I feel as though if I don't console him and accept his opinions and never have emotion over the cheating fact he will accept me back on his terms and I have no hypothetical leg to stand on... He somehow has the nerve to seem to say that his actions don't matter and he doesn't have to take responsibility for them because he is better if a human being than I could ever be.
I feel as though he thinks he can hurt me more and more because he was hurt by me

[Catlady3.14]

As the day goes on and there is more conversations with him, I feel more and more lost and tangled inside.
I love this man. I want a family. To be happy.
I feel more as if I need to step away from this man that I love and,possible, creep back into a life with him. Because the attention and the drain for this is so impacting. It's not helping either one of us or our children.
It is destroying everything. And by me participating in all of it, I own my part in these disasters, is making it worse.
I don't know what the right moves are, I'm really trying though.

Has any one asked for a separation for their SO with BPD?
What about getting them into a rehab, or recovery center?

I see that could strike a cord for abandonment fears.

I haven't asked him to stay away . I just don't know if it when he comes back I can be strong enough to not get dizzy and lost in his behaviour and stay in control of myself consistently.

I made a statement that if it was to much for him to deal with me in person without screaming and fighting then I understood.