I'm okay my parents aren't

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi there,

My sister has BPD (as well as ASC & affective bipolar).  My sister won't confirm the BPD & narcissistic diagnosis but the hints from her care worker is that our thinking is correct.  It's taken years to get to the point where mental health professionals have cottoned on to what we've been saying to them.  And they've only got there because after 9 years of abuse, we pulled her safety nets away (we did so on the advise of social services).  There quickly became too much factual evidence of her inability to cope with life that mental health professionals couldn't swallow more convenient horse manure.  Even now I think a number of mental health professionals don't get it.  Surely they'd be doing more to support her and find her help if they did?  Many supposedly experienced qualified professionals see a beautiful, intelligent woman with carefully coiffed hair and immaculate dress and think that surely it's not as bad as we say.  That's the picture they want as it suits their stretched resources.

My sister is now homeless.  In the last 12 months she has lost custody of her children, all her financial assets, her car and every single belonging - everything gone.  The car, towed away just weeks ago along with all her worldly goods (all stashed in the back).  Avoidable  - but she couldn't and wouldn't fill in paperwork and she wouldn't let us do it for her.  She just won't help herself by being honest.

She won't now sign the paper work to say she is homeless - even though she's living in a hotel at my other sister's expense (the cheeky sod even asked the hotelier for an upgrade).  My father drove her to the council to apply for help, filled in the paperwork for her.  All she had to do was sign a form.  He's prepped her a caravan, but she won;t stay there.  He gave up his home for a time and slept at my home to give her time to find somewhere.  Nothing people give cause her to stop and think about the impact of her actions on others.  Nothing ever causes her to act to help herself.  Nothing makes a difference and everything is always met with contempt and rage.   Rages.  Her problems, she feels, are all our fault.
 
We're stuck in a never ending cycle of expectation on her part and a bureaucracy that can't understand her condition on the other.  I want her to be ok but I do not want her in my life anymore - not until she can see more than her narrow world view.
In the meantime, I live with guilt.  I know she's not able to stand on her own and I know she is sinking.  But I do not want to go down with her. I have children and a life.  I much of it on hold to help her when she was first sectioned and she has damaged many of my relationships.

Does anyone understand this on here?  It's not something I talk to people about?  No one - not even my grandparents understand this mess we're in with her.  They hear only my sister's hurt and they see her need and feel frustration that we are not fixing it and fixing her.  The work colleagues and friends I have I do't mention this to as they would only see that I have abandoned a vulnerable sister.  That is the simple fact I would be judged on . The world would just ask how anyone with humanity could allow their sister to be homeless.

Anyway.  That's me.  That's my mess!    Nice to meet you all.

[proserpine]

Hi there,

My sister has BPD (as well as ASC & affective bipolar).  My sister won't confirm the BPD & narcissistic diagnosis but the hints from her care worker is that our thinking is correct.  It's taken years to get to the point where mental health professionals have cottoned on to what we've been saying to them.  And they've only got there because after 9 years of abuse, we pulled her safety nets away (we did so on the advise of social services).  There quickly became too much factual evidence of her inability to cope with life that mental health professionals couldn't swallow more convenient horse manure.  Even now I think a number of mental health professionals don't get it.  Surely they'd be doing more to support her and find her help if they did?  Many supposedly experienced qualified professionals see a beautiful, intelligent woman with carefully coiffed hair and immaculate dress and think that surely it's not as bad as we say.  That's the picture they want as it suits their stretched resources.

My sister is now homeless.  In the last 12 months she has lost custody of her children, all her financial assets, her car and every single belonging - everything gone.  The car, towed away just weeks ago along with all her worldly goods (all stashed in the back).  Avoidable  - but she couldn't and wouldn't fill in paperwork and she wouldn't let us do it for her.  She just won't help herself by being honest.

She won't now sign the paper work to say she is homeless - even though she's living in a hotel at my other sister's expense (the cheeky sod even asked the hotelier for an upgrade).  My father drove her to the council to apply for help, filled in the paperwork for her.  All she had to do was sign a form.  He's prepped her a caravan, but she won;t stay there.  He gave up his home for a time and slept at my home to give her time to find somewhere.  Nothing people give cause her to stop and think about the impact of her actions on others.  Nothing ever causes her to act to help herself.  Nothing makes a difference and everything is always met with contempt and rage.   Rages.  Her problems, she feels, are all our fault.
 
We're stuck in a never ending cycle of expectation on her part and a bureaucracy that can't understand her condition on the other.  I want her to be ok but I do not want her in my life anymore - not until she can see more than her narrow world view.
In the meantime, I live with guilt.  I know she's not able to stand on her own and I know she is sinking.  But I do not want to go down with her. I have children and a life.  I much of it on hold to help her when she was first sectioned and she has damaged many of my relationships.

Does anyone understand this on here?  It's not something I talk to people about?  No one - not even my grandparents understand this mess we're in with her.  They hear only my sister's hurt and they see her need and feel frustration that we are not fixing it and fixing her.  The work colleagues and friends I have I do't mention this to as they would only see that I have abandoned a vulnerable sister.  That is the simple fact I would be judged on . The world would just ask how anyone with humanity could allow their sister to be homeless.

Anyway.  That's me.  That's my mess!    Nice to meet you all.

[Mutt]

Hi proserpine,



I’d like to welcome you to bpdfamily. Wow, you’re sister went through a lot and i can see how it would affect you. Im sorry that you’re going a difficult period b cause of your sister.

Surely they'd be doing more to support her and find her help if they did?  Many supposedly experienced qualified professionals see a beautiful, intelligent woman with carefully coiffed hair and immaculate dress and think that surely it's not as bad as we say.  That's the picture they want as it suits their stretched resources.

You mentioned that your grandparents don’t know why you can’t fix your BPDsis, a pwBPD will blame the world for their problems it’s complicated. We can’t firce anyone to do something that they don’t want to do or can’t see.

BOD is an invisible disorder, the behaviours are directed at the people that are the most tempered like you said for the last 9 years, those that are closest to a pwBPD. Her reality is as real to her as yours is to you, she grew up not knowing any differently she may not even sense that she’s mentally ill.

I can understand how it would be difficult to watch your BPDsis go through this  This could be the catalyst for change if a pwBPD gets help it’s when they are backed into a corner.

I’d suggest read as much as you can about the disorder there is a reason why she acts the way that she does. You’ll see that you’ll fit right in here, it helps to talk to people that can relate with you, you’re not alone.

[Speck]

Welcome, proserpine!



I would like to join Mutt in welcoming you to the discussion forums. We are so glad you're here, although we're sorry for the circumstance(s) that brought you to our shores. Yes, this is a safe harbor. So, feel free to drop your anchor and be supported. That's what we do here.

Thank you for sharing with us what you have thus far:

Does anyone understand this on here? The world would just ask how anyone with humanity could allow their sister to be homeless.

I hear you, friend. Not only are you dealing with your sister's BPD behavior and all the frustration that it entails, you can't even share your bamboozlement with anyone in your real-life circle (beyond immediate family), because it's just that CrazyTown. I'm sorry. I know what you mean. That's why I'm here.

I believe you will be greatly comforted by the support here and the fact that we really do understand what you are going through. We've all been there to varying degrees.

Take care of yourself. We will look out for future posts from you.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning!


-Speck

[Turkish]

Your story is similar to what a lot of parents of children with BPD write on the Parent's Board. How much is enough? How much is enabling? How could they let a person experience the consequences of their actions if it results in they being homeless? I went through something similar with my mother.  I got grief and being sworn at for sharing with the wrong person.  We get it here,  and I'm glad that you reached out 

Where is she now, in the hotel or your father's home?