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Author Topic: Being called emotionally abusive is eating me up  (Read 380 times)
Sky07
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« on: April 23, 2018, 05:59:57 AM »

Hi,

First, I will have to say I am no saint. I have had an abusive childhood myself. I thought I worked hard to get rid of my anger, defensiveness and all and it is all back. This post is all over the place like my heart.

We were friends for a year and I loved them from afar. I wanted them so much but they had eyes on other people, having crushes left and right. I took time to myself and tried to get over them, went on a holiday. After my holiday, I saw them again and it was like everything changed, we spent more time together and started getting closer. I thought we were getting somewhere but then they rejected me. It broke my heart again but I was ok and tried to be their friend. They didn’t stop flirting with me. At some point, they were so close to my face, it looked like they were going to kiss me. I said, “Kisses are no joking matter to me, they have to mean something.” That stopped them in their tracks but when we met again at my house another time, they kissed me. I decided that I was gonna take what I could get. It took a bit of hot and cold and they asked me to be their girlfriend. At the start of our relationship, I listened carefully and did my research. We hadn’t had the diagnosis of BPD yet so it was only depression and anxiety.

I was attentive and to some point, I realise now I was an enabler. Helped them do their assignments for uni so they wouldn’t fail. They complained about how they wish they were active but they didn’t have the energy, I took them out to shoot basketball, something not so intensive. They loved it but their mood crashed when they failed to get it into the basket. I taught them how to cook and even ate their failed attempts. I loved them to the maximum, gave my all. When I was loving though, it was too much for them, it makes them feel overwhelmed and uncomfortable. It hurt me and I tried to reign it in. Things were beautiful at the start, there were still dissociations and push and pull but I always believed that every time they didn’t love me, their love would come back and it did. They had gotten their diagnosis of BPD from their therapist. It was my fault, I didn’t research it. I didn’t think it was this big.

I also realise now that I am a codependent. I require lots of messages and time together. Due to their health, they required a lot of space, and it always disappointed and hurt me. It made them feel guilty and I didn’t want them to feel guilty, I just wanted an outlet to my emotions, someone to talk to. I didn’t have anyone but them.

I tried to make them trust me but nothing worked. I tried to learn to give them space and accept their constant cancellations but it takes times and it was making me disappointed all the time and I still had no outlet. I tried to change the way we spent our time together by doing less energy-draining activities, like watching TV, I cooked them meals that they loved, we took breaks if we were outside. I tried everything, I even tried to co-exist in the same space with them but not interact with them. Then they called me inattentive. I got so tired that I couldn’t function properly. I wasn’t sleeping properly, I got so sick. I tried to have them as my outlet and tell them when I was disappointed and angry and it just made them guilty and more anxious around me. At the end, I had trouble being connected to them, it was hard for me to say I love you. I wanted to connect again so bad but it was like they were pulling away even when they said it hurt them to see me without love in my eyes. I still loved them!

They went on medication but it gave them allergic reactions. Their therapist then went on holiday for 5 months.

I am not a saint, I am a bit controlling and I have the bad habit of criticising them, how they have their hair etc. I also get defensive when they get angry about it. I still take it seriously and tried to not criticise but I slipped recently. I blew up. I was so tired and couldn’t take anything. Sometimes I feel like they start it. Like asking me if I would still love them if they had blue eyes. I said no, as a joke because I love their brown eyes. They got angry and I got defensive, saying it was my preference. I feel so stupid for not knowing enough about BPD to have handled the situation better. I just realised from going to therapy that me being defensive means I’m invalidating them. I kept pushing their boundaries.

They broke up with me, calling me emotionally and verbally abusive. I feel like it is a label that they have been wanting to give to me since the start of our relationship. They have been so worried about being abused and me being an abuser since the very start. I’m lost if I am abusive or if they are just projecting their abusive mother onto me. I told them I would go to therapy and we’ll make it work but they said they don’t love me enough for it. That it wasn’t healthy for them.
I feel like I gave my everything and tried my best for someone who is mentally ill but when I had an issue myself, I was abandoned like an old shoe. I’m fluctuating between feeling sad that it is all my fault, used, angry and relieved. They blocked me everywhere. I told our best friend and she was willing to stay friends with both of us but my ex asked her to choose so now I lost a friend too.

I went to see a therapist and it helped a lot. I no longer feel as tired and drained as I was before and I feel a lot calmer. To think it only has been 2 weeks. I still want them back though. Being called emotionally abusive is eating me up. Having hurt them is killing me, I didn’t want to hurt them. I just needed someone to talk to, I've been bottling it all for too long and it blew up in my face.  
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Catlady3.14
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Posts: 134


« Reply #1 on: April 23, 2018, 11:15:17 AM »

I'm sorry you're in such a touch spot. I wish I had advice for you. But I'm new here too. And though I think I have known about BPD. For about. Year now I still have very little grasp on how to deal with it.
And I know,it is especially difficult to separate my own illness from my SO.
Are you going to therapy consistently?
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I'm doing the work! I'm baby stepping! I'm not a slacker!
Bill Murray in "what about bob?
isilme
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« Reply #2 on: April 23, 2018, 11:42:15 AM »

 

Hello Sky07,

That's a lot for you to be processing.  But it has a very truthful point in it - we contribute to the problems, and we can only work on fixing ourselves.  Our loved ones will work on themselves or not, but we have to choose to fix what we can about our own reactions, our codependency, our own quirks that make the relationship as difficult as it is.  

That said, it is VERY likely a lot of things you have been accused of, like being an emotional abuser, are simple projection.  BPD makes the person with it avoid shame or blame, and try however they can push it away and onto someone else.  Usually, this person has to be close to them emotionally for it to work or even be possible.  Strangers often get the perfect person mask, while the person in the relationship gets to see what's under it.

I find posting on here helps me square away my thoughts, and the people on this site are in a similar boat and can better understand your situation than even close friends and family unless those friends or family also deal with BPD.

Post as much or as little as you like, and see what things you may have done as a likely codependent enabler from an abusive background (this is very much me, too), that you can change for any future interaction with this person or any other.

The great things about these tools, is that they help with ANY high conflict discussion - something unpleasant at work?  The same tools can help.

  hoping things continue to improve, are you still seeing the therapist?
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Sky07
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Posts: 51


« Reply #3 on: April 23, 2018, 05:52:28 PM »

Hey guys,

Thanks for the support. Yes, I have been going to therapy. I went 3 times in the first week of the breakup because I was in such a bad place. My therapist is now getting me to come every week since everything is so fresh. She was really worried about me in the first session, she thinks if I kept going like that, she will have to diagnose me with severe depression.

It's crazy but I love therapy. The first day, I was feeling so tortured, being labelled emotionally abusive by the one I love just because of some of my issues and being abandoned by them. When I spoke to the therapist, it was like I finally had an outlet to my emotions. I had been so tired, frustrated, lost, angry, and so much more. Talking to the therapist was like a mountain was taken off my chest and I could breathe again. I do not feel as tired anymore, I feel a lot better.

I am still fluctuating between feeling very sad, feeling ok and relieved as well but at least, I can breathe now.
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Catlady3.14
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« Reply #4 on: April 23, 2018, 06:22:50 PM »

I'm so glad it helps you and you're able to go so often.
I went for the first time today. I don't feel as relieved. But I'm hoping I get somewhere with it. Fingers crossed.
Smiling (click to insert in post)
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I'm doing the work! I'm baby stepping! I'm not a slacker!
Bill Murray in "what about bob?
Sky07
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 51


« Reply #5 on: April 23, 2018, 06:51:32 PM »

I'm so glad it helps you and you're able to go so often.
I went for the first time today. I don't feel as relieved. But I'm hoping I get somewhere with it. Fingers crossed.
Smiling (click to insert in post)

I think I felt relieved because I have been wanting an outlet for so long and I do not have anyone to talk to. I tried talking to my ex and as we all know, that was a bad idea. I can finally talk to someone and it makes me feel like my chest is not caving in anymore.

I hope you get there too soon. 
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Sky07
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Posts: 51


« Reply #6 on: April 23, 2018, 09:59:34 PM »

The breakup was rough. They came, picked up all their stuff, wouldn't even sit and listen to me. At the end, they gave me 5 mins, put a timer and when it was done, they walked out. Thry believe me to be an abuser. I am not. I was having mental breakdowns and being mean, I have my angry tendencies but I'm not an abuser.

I've thought of writing a goodbye letter to them and their dad (who was nice to me). I've talked to my therapist about it and she gave me guidelines. My ex blocked me on all platforms so it is NC right now. Any advice on if I should sent this letter, what to write and if you guys ever sent a letter and what was the outcome? I want my ex back... .
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Tattered Heart
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« Reply #7 on: April 26, 2018, 10:35:33 AM »

What would the letter say?
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