What are the chances of an engaged BPD to return?

[Struggler123]

I apologize if this is a stupid question, but i’d really like to know from those that have been through it. But, what are the chances of a BPD ex to return to a bf, where it was a mutual break up but the BPD is now engaged (engaged a month ago)?

[pearlsw]

Hi Struggler123,

I am not sure on this, but no question is stupid. Our minds take us a lot of places when we lose someone we love. It can hurt immensely and seem impossible to adjust to and recover from... .until we (almost always) eventually do.

You had a mutual break up and now this person is engaged to someone else? Personally speaking, in my life experience, I'd give that extremely low odds and in fact, personally, I'd use that word "engagement" to help me... .that is a powerful word. A big signal of a big change, whether I like it or not, but one that would put me on the road, painful as it can be, to acceptance and moving on. Are you hoping for a reversal of the breakup?

with deep compassion, pearl.

[Struggler123]

Hi Struggler123,

I am not sure on this, but no question is stupid. Our minds take us a lot of places when we lose someone we love. It can hurt immensely and seem impossible to adjust to and recover from... .until we (almost always) eventually do.

You had a mutual break up and now this person is engaged to someone else? Personally speaking, in my life experience, I'd give that extremely low odds and in fact, personally, I'd use that word "engagement" to help me... .that is a powerful word. A big signal of a big change, whether I like it or not, but one that would put me on the road, painful as it can be, to acceptance and moving on. Are you hoping for a reversal of the breakup?

with deep compassion, pearl.

Yes, shes engaged to someone else. She says I didnt fight enough for her and I just wasn’t ready for a big commitment. I needed time to have my life on track. She says she loves me but this is now the reality and she still wanted to be friends, but I pushed her away because I didn’t want to be friends knowing that I still had feelings for her. I’m slowly accepting it but the reason I asked is because a lot of people on this forum, say that BPD leave and return to ex’s without any explanation, and I guess I wanted to know if this was maybe some sort of manipulation, to get me to step up. Its been a month since no contact and the mutual closure. Although she tried contacting me several times prior to the mutual closure.  Then I blocked her to maintain boundaries (Although she can still contact me just not with calls)

[pearlsw]

Yes, shes engaged to someone else. She says I didnt fight enough for her and I just wasn’t ready for a big commitment. I needed time to have my life on track. She says she loves me but this is now the reality and she still wanted to be friends, but I pushed her away because I didn’t want to be friends knowing that I still had feelings for her. I’m slowly accepting it but the reason I asked is because a lot of people on this forum, say that BPD leave and return to ex’s without any explanation, and I guess I wanted to know if this was maybe some sort of manipulation, to get me to step up. Its been a month since no contact and the mutual closure. Although she tried contacting me several times prior to the mutual closure.  Then I blocked her to maintain boundaries (Although she can still contact me just not with calls)

Hi Struggler123,

Oh, I see. Thanks for the additional information! I hope others will join us here and share their thoughts as well.

In my book I would not try to do much of this second guess the BPD version of things, at least not in this instance.

You have the choice to either jump to this notion and "fight for her" or not. We can't know what she really thinks, but we can ask how you feel about it. Do you want to "chase" her in hopes of getting her back, in breaking her engagement? What would you want to say or do to get her to give up the other person and come back to you? Are there conversations that the two of you still need to have? Would you be willing to put your heart out there and live with any reaction you get?

I think it is fundamentally about you and what you want. What are your instincts telling you about this?

Wait, I'm reading this again. One month after your breakup and she's engaged to someone else? Hmmm. Well, do you know how long she knew him before? Is it deep and serious with the person as far as you can tell, or she met him last month and is about to marry him?  I mean some people can met and start up quickly, but... .can you give us more details please? Or point me to a post where you have already discussed this if I'm going over old ground.

take care, pearl.

[Chynna]

Hi Struggler! I'm so sorry your gf is putting you thru this. It's such a touche ultimatum. Do you really want to be with someone who doesn't have the patience to allow you some peaceful time to yourself so that you can get yourself centered? I've said it before: N/C is a wonderful gift you can give yourself. It was for me. (She can't wait less than a month for you? Wow that's deep! HER LOSS) I really understand where you are my friend... .~ Chynna

[Struggler123]

Hi Struggler123,

Oh, I see. Thanks for the additional information! I hope others will join us here and share their thoughts as well.

In my book I would not try to do much of this second guess the BPD version of things, at least not in this instance.

You have the choice to either jump to this notion and "fight for her" or not. We can't know what she really thinks, but we can ask how you feel about it. Do you want to "chase" her in hopes of getting her back, in breaking her engagement? What would you want to say or do to get her to give up the other person and come back to you? Are there conversations that the two of you still need to have? Would you be willing to put your heart out there and live with any reaction you get?

I think it is fundamentally about you and what you want. What are your instincts telling you about this?

Wait, I'm reading this again. One month after your breakup and she's engaged to someone else? Hmmm. Well, do you know how long she knew him before? Is it deep and serious with the person as far as you can tell, or she met him last month and is about to marry him?  I mean some people can met and start up quickly, but... .can you give us more details please? Or point me to a post where you have already discussed this if I'm going over old ground.

take care, pearl.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=323854.0


To be honest, It’s at the early stages of the engagement, but even then I would not break her engagement. I remember her telling me in the past, she wouldve broken it if I had made the initative to get married to her. It’s been 4 weeks now since no contact so I feel like it is pretty much over. Our lasf conversation, I remember just asking her are you happy with this guy to which she answered yes and at that point I was like where does this leave us and she said we could be friends to which I said, no we’re done, take care and good luck, congrats. Then she said take care i love you and i was like, what is she saying. So at this poijt I feel like no other conversation was needed. She said she asked me wheter to get married to him and I like the nice guy simply told her if you think he can make you happy then sure say yes, and 3 hours later she said yes but in the back of my mind, I think this was going on for a while in terms of arrange marriages they take time before it escalates this quickly, she claims it happened after 2 meetings and I quite frankly don’t believe that. She said she said yes in terms of circumstances and that I didn’t care enough. She thought I would be okay with it. It just didn’t make any sense. She kept saying she still has feelings for me but both of us just need to move on, because I didnt tell her to wait etc. ultimately it was coming back down on me not doing enough and her passively saying that to get over it. I personally think it started up quickly from her part, because she would tell me about how the new guy is saying i love you already and shes not saying it back etc because of me, and then suddenly 4 days later she was she just had an epihany and started to fall for him. Then the worst part was her sending me a picture it had no ring in it but with the caption so its been confirmed with a ring emoji. I am just really confused, I guess thats why im looking into it, just to know more about the manipulation.

Hi Struggler! I'm so sorry your gf is putting you thru this. It's such a touche ultimatum. Do you really want to be with someone who doesn't have the patience to allow you some peaceful time to yourself so that you can get yourself centered? I've said it before: N/C is a wonderful gift you can give yourself. It was for me. (She can't wait less than a month for you? Wow that's deep! HER LOSS) I really understand where you are my friend... .~ Chynna

It was really sad, I wanted my career and she knew that. She claims she never wanted to hurt me etc but the worst part was, her calling me constantly and when I got angry to tell me shes having anxiety over a small or large wedding. That was just the last straw. According to her, she made a decision to marry him in 4 days but she was telling me the play by play, despite me telling her I needed time. She tried every possibly tactic and then this was the last thing. After which, I told her that I need my space. Thanks for the input Chynna. I deleted her everywhere cause I had to and I’m doing better now, but it still bothers me that she made this decision so quick and she says that its my fault for not stepping in.

[once removed]

I guess thats why im looking into it, just to know more about the manipulation.

generally speaking, people with BPD traits are not schemers or grand manipulators, though it often feels that way to us. impulsivity (acting with little or no thought for consequences long or short term, being highly reactive or overreactive to feelings in the moment) is a hallmark.

i think there were a few components to this:

1. she badly wants to be married. she wants that security. possibly, above all.
2. she was in a relationship with you, and you were somewhere between hesitant and against marrying her. as ive said in other threads, she knew this, and read the writing on the wall.
3. she may not have been "completely done" in the sense that she told you shed call it off if you married her, but she had still checked out in a lot of ways. she wanted security.
4. agreeing to marry this guy was an impulse move in effort to achieve that security; how impulsive, we cant be sure. you have your suspicions that there is more to the story, but regardless, it was a fast and drastic move that wasnt thought through. having said that, the culture of arranged marriage and family pressures played a role that must be included in the context.
5. more evidence of her being driven by impulse is her telling you she will call it off and get back with you if youll marry her. that isnt thought through at all, on her behalf or anyone elses. she was reacting to feelings in the moment.

as difficult as they are for you, these are not tactics of someone with a carefully laid out plan, they are the actions of a confused, conflicted, and highly reactive person who acted on shifting feelings in the moment. i understand that doesnt really make them any less hurtful. but youre dealing with someone who is more special needs than cunning.

what are the chances that her engagement will collapse, and she will reach out and try to get back in a relationship with you? they exist. i dont think we can assign a percentage chance to it.

would you take her back?

[Struggler123]

generally speaking, people with BPD traits are not schemers or grand manipulators, though it often feels that way to us. impulsivity (acting with little or no thought for consequences long or short term, being highly reactive or overreactive to feelings in the moment) is a hallmark.

i think there were a few components to this:

1. she badly wants to be married. she wants that security. possibly, above all.
2. she was in a relationship with you, and you were somewhere between hesitant and against marrying her. as ive said in other threads, she knew this, and read the writing on the wall.
3. she may not have been "completely done" in the sense that she told you shed call it off if you married her, but she had still checked out in a lot of ways. she wanted security.
4. agreeing to marry this guy was an impulse move in effort to achieve that security; how impulsive, we cant be sure. you have your suspicions that there is more to the story, but regardless, it was a fast and drastic move that wasnt thought through. having said that, the culture of arranged marriage and family pressures played a role that must be included in the context.
5. more evidence of her being driven by impulse is her telling you she will call it off and get back with you if youll marry her. that isnt thought through at all, on her behalf or anyone elses. she was reacting to feelings in the moment.

as difficult as they are for you, these are not tactics of someone with a carefully laid out plan, they are the actions of a confused, conflicted, and highly reactive person who acted on shifting feelings in the moment. i understand that doesnt really make them any less hurtful. but youre dealing with someone who is more special needs than cunning.

what are the chances that her engagement will collapse, and she will reach out and try to get back in a relationship with you? they exist. i dont think we can assign a percentage chance to it.

would you take her back?

I apologize I don’t mean to categorize anyone as a whole BPD or non BPD, but I do agree that BPD’s take decisions in impulses and don’t really think them through. I suppose thats the answer to all my what ifs questions and why. I really do think that the marriage thing was very high on her priorities. And, since I was not able to provide it to her thats what led to the problems.  I sometimes ask myself the same question, and the truth is I honestly don’t know. I don’t blame her st the end of anything because its not her fault. But, the impulsivd decisions are too much at times. A part of me is still at the denial phase thinking had I married her, I couldve been able to make her better and I know thats a problem. I’ve tried to understand, why even in the relationship when sne kept forcing marriage it made me feel pressured. But the other part of me tells me if she takes such impulsive decisions she could easily break up with me, end the marriage, and throw kids into the equation and its an episode of hell on earth. A part of me does want to try again to see if I could make things better

[Chynna]

Hi Struggler... .While I don't know the particulars of your r/s, no one has the right to force you to make the major life-changing decision like marriage, which some people still take as a serious committment,d/o or not. It is a cruel ultimatum on her part to expect that from you esp. since you communicated to her that you needed some space. And then to keep shoving it in your face-so to speak- with play by play planning information. You were obviously not ready; if she thinks she will have what she wants with her fiance, more power to her! Do what's best for you. Why did you allow the play-by-play? ~Chynna

[Struggler123]

Hi Struggler... .While I don't know the particulars of your r/s, no one has the right to force you to make the major life-changing decision like marriage, which some people still take as a serious committment,d/o or not. It is a cruel ultimatum on her part to expect that from you esp. since you communicated to her that you needed some space. And then to keep shoving it in your face-so to speak- with play by play planning information. You were obviously not ready; if she thinks she will have what she wants with her fiance, more power to her! Do what's best for you. Why did you allow the play-by-play? ~Chynna

Now that you put it that way. I never questioned it I always thought that you know since we were long distance and how she might be pressured into the marriage, but to be honest. Marriage is nothing thats forced, She made it seem like I was her knight and shining armour and I was gonna rescue her from marrying the wrong guy. She tried everything to get me to budge in but I couldnt not without a career and I guess when she saw that, she decided to maybe make me feel the same way with the play by play until I ultimately stopped responding and blocked. I have unblocked her now that its been a month, but shes deleted off all social media. I guess I really thought she would be more empathatic and she made it seem like it was my fault for not fighting for her and its because of me she had to accept this marriage proposal.

[Chynna]

Can't expect blood from a stone. I know each case is different but pwBPD are not wired the same. Empathy is not their strong point... .maybe work on accepting that. She won't change unless she wants to. Even that's if-fy... .

[Struggler123]

Can't expect blood from a stone. I know each case is different but pwBPD are not wired the same. Empathy is not their strong point... .maybe work on accepting that. She won't change unless she wants to. Even that's if-fy... .

That’s true I accepted the empathy part a long time ago, I just didn’t think she would become this person. I always thought that she really cared and I actually wanted to believe that “she didnt have a choice.” But the truth is, she did have a choice and she made her choice, its just acceptance. Could you explain what do you mean thats iffy? Sorry, reading about everything helps me understand more and more about how it wasn’t going to work out and It helps when I keep telling myself that through everytging i read bere

[40days_in_desert]

I decided to send my thoughts to this post since my ex began a relationship with an ex-boyfriend of hers before ending our 16 year relationship/marriage. For the first year and a half, they seemed happy. At least from what I knew which was basically not much. Then she attempted her first recycle with me and there have been 6 more recycle attempts in the year and a half since then. What I can share and I believe to be true in my situation is:

Something that is directly related to her recycle attempts is whether she views her boyfriend as all "black" or all "white" (splitting). When she views him as all bad, she comes back to wanting to be with me. Saying things like, "I know that you would never do ____ to me like he does", etc.

Basically, as long as she sees this new guy as all "good" or "white", you will probably be all "bad" or "black". If your situation is anything like mine, which it may not be, she may attempt reaching out to you in some way down the road whether one month or ten years.

If you're working on yourself now and learning what is healthy and what is not in a relationship, you'll be better preapred if she reaches out in the future.

[Struggler123]

I decided to send my thoughts to this post since my ex began a relationship with an ex-boyfriend of hers before ending our 16 year relationship/marriage. For the first year and a half, they seemed happy. At least from what I knew which was basically not much. Then she attempted her first recycle with me and there have been 6 more recycle attempts in the year and a half since then. What I can share and I believe to be true in my situation is:

Something that is directly related to her recycle attempts is whether she views her boyfriend as all "black" or all "white" (splitting). When she views him as all bad, she comes back to wanting to be with me. Saying things like, "I know that you would never do ____ to me like he does", etc.

Basically, as long as she sees this new guy as all "good" or "white", you will probably be all "bad" or "black". If your situation is anything like mine, which it may not be, she may attempt reaching out to you in some way down the road whether one month or ten years.

If you're working on yourself now and learning what is healthy and what is not in a relationship, you'll be better preapred if she reaches out in the future.

That’s a long time, I don’t know how someone can try to recycle after such a long relationship, that explains why she was like, “you’ll understand why we couldnt be together in a couple of years and then we could be friends again.” But in any case, after reading everything here, once she made her choice she has to accept the consequences, and its time I draw that fine line, so if she were to return shes just going to face the silence. Its time to know my self-worth and its not because im angry but because its the right thing to do. I never thought I would actually have to do something harsh like this, but you have to create boundaries to protect yourself. Thoughts?

[Insom]

Its time to know my self-worth and its not because im angry but because its the right thing to do. I never thought I would actually have to do something harsh like this, but you have to create boundaries to protect yourself. Thoughts?

This is sound thinking.  I support you in knowing your self-worth, knowing what your values are, and acting in alignment with them. 

[Struggler123]

This is sound thinking.  I support you in knowing your self-worth, knowing what your values are, and acting in alignment with them. 

Thank you for your kind words. I still have my bad days, and do think about her from time to time, but I keep telling myself that its for the best and that I couldn’t change anything not her, not the circumstances and I couldn’t save the hurt. I took all the precautions, but when you have a “nice guy” personality, your heart will tell you to give it your all and I don’t want to change my attitude based on what happened cause that indicates that I lost the fight and I became a worse person after the relationship, The reason I made this specific post was because my heart and my mind were telling me conflicting ideas. Have I ever thought about calling her and trying to get some closure, because I still had a lot of questions sure. But, was I going to get the answers I wanted, no. Thats the reality of it, the way I expect to see the world is not the same way as how she saw it. I could be wrong, but rather than her feeling guilt about the decision, she was actually so afraid of rejection or abandonment she took the easy way out and found someone else, and whether he/she will save her, only time will tell.

[Wicker Man]

... .if she takes such impulsive decisions she could easily break up with me, end the marriage, and throw kids into the equation and its an episode of hell on earth. A part of me does want to try again to see if I could make things better

I was engaged to my undiagnosed BPD ex.  I had never felt so strongly about another human being.  Her name ironically translates into ':)ream Come True' and I thought she was.  Sure she had rage issues, cut herself, heard voices and under extreme duress had visual hallucinations, but I adored her.  During our time together she had made some progress, the voices stopped, the cutting stopped and the rage was subsiding (somewhat).

I had been unaware of BPD.  It was when in a 7 day rage she threatened to leave me that I had an epiphany -she would one day walk away.  I had seen her ghost friends -but it never dawned on me until then she would likely to the same to me. --actually... .truth be told she did ghost me for a week and I let it slide, it was one of the worst weeks of my life.

I saw a path to my annihilation.  That annihilation would have been through the child we were planning to have.

What I miss most is my fantasy of our future, a construct of my own creation.  I ignored and accepted abhorrent behavior on her part to keep my dream alive.  Leaving her was the single most difficult thing I have done, but it was done for my own self preservation.

I don't know if this helps any -but in my heart I know she would have one day left me.


Wicker Man

[Struggler123]

I was engaged to my undiagnosed BPD ex.  I had never felt so strongly about another human being.  Her name ironically translates into ':)ream Come True' and I thought she was.  Sure she had rage issues, cut herself, heard voices and under extreme duress had visual hallucinations, but I adored her.  During our time together she had made some progress, the voices stopped, the cutting stopped and the rage was subsiding (somewhat).

I had been unaware of BPD.  It was when in a 7 day rage she threatened to leave me that I had an epiphany -she would one day walk away.  I had seen her ghost friends -but it never dawned on me until then she would likely to the same to me. --actually... .truth be told she did ghost me for a week and I let it slide, it was one of the worst weeks of my life.

I saw a path to my annihilation.  That annihilation would have been through the child we were planning to have.

What I miss most is my fantasy of our future, a construct of my own creation.  I ignored and accepted abhorrent behavior on her part to keep my dream alive.  Leaving her was the single most difficult thing I have done, but it was done for my own self preservation.

I don't know if this helps any -but in my heart I know she would have one day left me.


Wicker Man

Sometimes speaking out about difficult times makes all the difference.  I’m sorry that it didn’t work out between you guys. As I was reading that, it reminded me of myself, as if I was in the same situation. Your input certainly helps, as I at times still blame myself for not doing enough or thinking I could have somehow made it work. But, just like you had an epiphany, I remember her breaking up with me for 4 days. After that she wanted to contact me like theres no tomorrow and I gave in, but at that point I had that fear that, everytime I would get close with her she would pull away so, I just kept it as no labels. But the commitment, and engagement/marriage idea would just keep coming up because it was the one thing I was hesistant on. And I realized, how easily she was able to just say, I’m happy with the new guy, with no remorse, almost as if it was like I got what I wanted you figure out what you have to do. Earlier I remember I would be called names and not courageous enough when I wouldnt give her what she wanted. At the end, I was still blamed indirectly for not fighting enough, and I never knew a healthy relationship was about fighting over everything. I guess, I ignored a lot of behavoirs because I was long distance for quite some time. After speaking to you, it makes me realize that its not the choice I wanted to make but If I didn’t, I would lose faith in myself and suffer from far worse. Thats the thing you can prolong the relationship for so long ultimately all it takes is one impulsive decison and poof theyre gone, leaving you to pick up the pieces. Thank you Wicker Man, I needed to hear that engagement nor marriage could’ve made any difference.

[AustenJ]

In my experience, my diagnosed BPDexgf was always in search of "the one." The problem was that all of we exes were at one point or another "the one."

[Struggler123]

In my experience, my diagnosed BPDexgf was always in search of "the one." The problem was that all of we exes were at one point or another "the one."

That spoke the words of my heart. The only problem was at one point I thought I was the one to save her from the misery, and live a life full of fantasy where we wouldn’t argue over petty things, and I wouldn’t have to deal with the mood swings, but the truth is, whether her decision was impulsive or not, I would have been discarded at one point or another, because you know no one can fulfill all the demands of a BPD. I wish it were different but I’m slowly coming to terms that in fact I was the good one for her; but she wasn’t the one for me... .

[Struggler123]

Turns out its not over, she contacted me. She called me first and then when I didnt pick up she texted me saying Hey hows everything. In my mind, I know that it was just an impulse and tomorrow she will be back to her normal routine. I still hear the echos, of the questions I asked her, and her answers. Are you happy with this guy? “Yes I am happy.” It’s no hard feelings, i’m not trying to be her happiness anymore. Like they say, we are responsible for our decisions. I don’t know if its the right decision or not. But I don’t want to give one word answers and nor do I want to be the problem solver. I’m sure shes a great person and everything and good luck to the both of them but, I can’t pretend like everything is all good and I can’t  be friends. I just feel like she lost that right a month ago. Thoughts?

[Shawnlam]

Remaining friends in my opinion is much harder for us than them.Fortunately they have the inbuilt ability to close emotional doors and just move on,remaining friends for them is just another source of attention they crave.For us remaining friends is ruff ,and if not impossible given our emotions can’t be turned off so easily.With that said only you can answer that question? I’d ask myself these first before contemplating a friendship

1:can you stand to see her with someone else
2:Can you even look at her without feeling anxious or excited
3: do you still love her
4: do you have any I’ll will/ resentment towards her
5: are you still physically attracted to her ?

Answering these honestly should answer your overall question, I had to ask myself these things before deciding to let go.

[JNChell]

To me, friendship means honesty, loyalty, empathy, compassion, healthy communication, understanding, give and take, trust and so forth. Also, healthy friendships don’t present with abusive behavior. You can provide these things in a friendship. Can she?

[once removed]

i think this is less about us or them, or us vs them, but about what it takes to make a difficult and awkward transition.

im friends, and/or friendly with most of my exes. most of them are married. some of them have BPD traits. they all hurt me pretty badly too 

in each case, the transition to friendship tended to come later, after romantic feelings were tabled, old hurts were wounded, and then of course, you have to define what friendship entails. in most cases, it is not (and shouldnt be) a terribly deep, close relationship, but a very different, and more emotionally distant one.

obviously, there is still grieving to be done, hurts to mend, and even a wedding to soon take place. im not sure what a friendship would look like right now, under those circumstances.

you dont have to decide right now, and i wouldnt. you need space to grieve. if anything should happen down the road, it will happen naturally and over time, cant be forced, and will look very different.

[Struggler123]

Remaining friends in my opinion is much harder for us than them.Fortunately they have the inbuilt ability to close emotional doors and just move on,remaining friends for them is just another source of attention they crave.For us remaining friends is ruff ,and if not impossible given our emotions can’t be turned off so easily.With that said only you can answer that question? I’d ask myself these first before contemplating a friendship

1:can you stand to see her with someone else
2:Can you even look at her without feeling anxious or excited
3: do you still love her
4: do you have any I’ll will/ resentment towards her
5: are you still physically attracted to her ?

Answering these honestly should answer your overall question, I had to ask myself these things before deciding to let go.

The thing is, I generally don’t like to be friends with my ex’s or someone I liked in the past; simply because I feel like it means your settling. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but there’s a reason people don’t make it to your future. Sure if I saw my ex’s at a party I’d greet them hi hello and be on my way. Does that indicate I would want to bond with them, no once the party is over so is our conversation.

1)Honestly, no but, I’ve slowly learned to accept the person I wanted never existed. It was a figment of my imagination.

2) I do feel anxious when I get a call or text because somewhere deep down I still want to believe that she will become the person I liked.

3) You can’t let go of feelings overnight, whether its love idk. But the person I fell for will always mean something to me, which is why I still haven’t deleted pictures.

4)The anger faded, but I use it as a defense mechanism to stay away. I blamed myself for the longest time, and I forgive her a long time ago.

5) I’m not sure, I’d like to say no but if she stood in front of me, I would be shaky on that response.

To me, friendship means honesty, loyalty, empathy, compassion, healthy communication, understanding, give and take, trust and so forth. Also, healthy friendships don’t present with abusive behavior. You can provide these things in a friendship. Can she?

That’s certainly true and to be honest I feel like the friendship is more about her than me. If it was truly about me, she wouldn’t have rubbed her marriage in my face. I wouldnt have been blamed for it indirectly. Instead it would have been like hey look im really sorry it didnt work out, and ill give you your space.

i think this is less about us or them, or us vs them, but about what it takes to make a difficult and awkward transition.

im friends, and/or friendly with most of my exes. most of them are married. some of them have BPD traits. they all hurt me pretty badly too 

in each case, the transition to friendship tended to come later, after romantic feelings were tabled, old hurts were wounded, and then of course, you have to define what friendship entails. in most cases, it is not (and shouldnt be) a terribly deep, close relationship, but a very different, and more emotionally distant one.

obviously, there is still grieving to be done, hurts to mend, and even a wedding to soon take place. im not sure what a friendship would look like right now, under those circumstances.

you dont have to decide right now, and i wouldnt. you need space to grieve. if anything should happen down the road, it will happen naturally and over time, cant be forced, and will look very different.

I completely understand that but, I feel like what good is this friendship going to. I hope everything goes good for her. But, i’m not a punching bag, that when things get dysregulated i’m the one to blame. I’m the one that didnt fight for her etc. I dont want to feel guilty for the rest of my life thinking that she was the one that got away etc. I feel like she made her choice, and every choice has consequences BPD or not, If you cross a red light, you get a ticket. The next time you do it you get points. The next time you do it, you get license suspended and eventually removed. I feel like this situation is the same way, I’m sure she has plenty of friends. Discarding this one person, shouldn’t be too much of a problem for her. Thoughts?

[once removed]

its the preferred choice of many, after a relationship ends, to cut ties and move on, close the book on that history. its a valid choice.

i learned here that good boundaries are about having a relationship that works and is safe.

I completely understand that but, I feel like what good is this friendship going to

this isnt a friendship. friendships take time to develop. youre in the here and now, with the hurts, the grief, and i suspect its impossible to know what a friendship with her would even look like.

i’m not a punching bag, that when things get dysregulated i’m the one to blame. I’m the one that didnt fight for her etc. I dont want to feel guilty for the rest of my life thinking that she was the one that got away etc. I feel like she made her choice, and every choice has consequences BPD or not, If you cross a red light, you get a ticket.

again, this is the here and now. a friendship would by necessity be a very different kind of relationship.

one of my exes cheated on me, treated me very coldly, and then engaged in a smear campaign (literally, she posted doctored photos of me and told people that i stalked her).

it took a long time to grieve the relationship. i was badly hurt. it took years to get over the way she treated me.

the thing is, shes still that person. the only thing thats changed is the nature of our relationship. i keep those things in mind, and i set limits and expectations of what our friendship looks like, like i would do with anyone else.

we chat once or twice a month, we joke around on facebook, and i see her maybe once or twice a year, like at her halloween party. shes not someone i go to for advice or consoling. shes not someone i try to get any closer to than i am now. its not a relationship i really invest in or occupies my mind. but it does enrich my life on some level, and it works, and is safe.

likewise i have another ex with whom im just facebook friends, we occasionally like each others posts, and she occasionally sends me links. i wouldnt want to chat or go to her parties.

my point isnt that you should or need to be friends with her. my point is that a friendship need not, should not entail rehashing the old relationship problems. those should be dealt with, processed and tabled beforehand, and any future relationship should look very different.

[Struggler123]

its the preferred choice of many, after a relationship ends, to cut ties and move on, close the book on that history. its a valid choice.

i learned here that good boundaries are about having a relationship that works and is safe.

this isnt a friendship. friendships take time to develop. youre in the here and now, with the hurts, the grief, and i suspect its impossible to know what a friendship with her would even look like.

again, this is the here and now. a friendship would by necessity be a very different kind of relationship.

one of my exes cheated on me, treated me very coldly, and then engaged in a smear campaign (literally, she posted doctored photos of me and told people that i stalked her).

it took a long time to grieve the relationship. i was badly hurt. it took years to get over the way she treated me.

the thing is, shes still that person. the only thing thats changed is the nature of our relationship. i keep those things in mind, and i set limits and expectations of what our friendship looks like, like i would do with anyone else.

we chat once or twice a month, we joke around on facebook, and i see her maybe once or twice a year, like at her halloween party. shes not someone i go to for advice or consoling. shes not someone i try to get any closer to than i am now. its not a relationship i really invest in or occupies my mind. but it does enrich my life on some level, and it works, and is safe.

likewise i have another ex with whom im just facebook friends, we occasionally like each others posts, and she occasionally sends me links. i wouldnt want to chat or go to her parties.

my point isnt that you should or need to be friends with her. my point is that a friendship need not, should not entail rehashing the old relationship problems. those should be dealt with, processed and tabled beforehand, and any future relationship should look very different.

I had to read your post twice to understand the context, and it makes sense. It’s about treating the person in a civil manner, which I have no problem doing and I will. If she was in a situation, I’d bail her out, but currently I am thinking in the present, maybe in the future, I could do all those things facebook chat every once and a while or meet here and there. But, I feel like one shoe doesnt fit all. I feel like once I reach the “I dont care about what you do.” Stage then I can be platonic, but I never want to feel the same way i felt after the whole incident, and even at that stage my needs never mattered. I forgave her, but the problem is I am a people pleaser. So if I keep contact, I will still try to be the best that I can be to her and ultimately its only a recipe for disaster but maybe in the future, we could be one of those examples that you illustrated above. Thoughts?

[once removed]

but the problem is I am a people pleaser.

what does this mean for you in other relationships?

what other things are you?

[Struggler123]

what does this mean for you in other relationships?

what other things are you?

In other relationships, it means that I don’t have to change myself. If one of non-BPD ex’s were to contact me, I would speak to them normally. But, thats because there was space, time to heal and boundaries. I know, they wouldnt come back to say that they loved me and its my fault things didnt work. They would be more concentrated on how im doing and more of a concern factor not for a what Can I take from this guy.

I am not codependent, because I know when to put my foot down, but I can be a mean person if I have to be. I believe in balance, and thats something I longed for in my ex. I dont blame her for it because it wasnt in her control, but I don’t want to be the homewrecker. If this new guy, can do everything I couldn’t then theres no need for me to get invovled. I like to think of it this way, If I was still with her and she was contacting her ex, I’d feel insecure and upset, and i’m not that kind of person. I will always respect values, and hopefully the other person does too.

[once removed]

In other relationships, it means that I don’t have to change myself.

i mean in general, not just with exes. you say you are "people pleaser". that has a certain connotation for accommodating others at the expense of oneself.

I am not codependent, because I know when to put my foot down, but I can be a mean person if I have to be.

codependency is much bigger than being a doormat or not being able to say no.

have a read through of our article here, see if any of it (it probably wont all) hits home: https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships