Neither of us is emotionally healthy and I will never get my own needs met

Hey Maybe,

Thank YOU for sharing. I only joined this support group last night and I can't express how much comfort it brings (kind of a sad, selfish comfort I suppose) to hear other's stories laid out so genuinely, vulnerably, and the validation that their connecting points bring me. So thank you. For sharing your pain. For being honest. For being here.
I've been with my partner for 4 years and even after all these years of trying and trying and TRYING to understand where his head goes and why... I still feel very left in the dark... most of the time. If I'm ever "successful" in our progress, it feels like a lucky gamble. Most of the time I feel like I'm failing and the triggers can be so inconsistent, I never feel like I'm learning from my mistakes. I never understand what I did right when things go well, or how I've effed up when things start falling apart. I, like you, recognize I have my own demons I'm fighting and that our demons together only aggravate the situation to something that feels impossible to mend. I want you to know how important it is that you recognize we affect others just as much as they affect us. It's important, and all we can do is try to be better within ourselves to be better partners for the ones we love... That kind of effort isn't always reciprocated, but it doesn't mean we should ever stop trying.

Something that you said that really drove it home for me...
"Of course I still care about her. Unfortunately she sees me "perfect" or "a person who only cares about himself". I do not think there are any gray area."
My partner has unintentionally played the same head-tripping spins on me... One moment I am an amazing woman that he can't imagine being without, that he could never find anyone to love and support him like I do, and that he doesn't deserve me- as he's said in his own words, he's breaking me. And then in another moment, I am smothering, suffocating, clingy and far too focused on him- that he can't stand the pressure my happiness puts on him- that his downward spirals shouldn't make me so upset... But that's bs. If I care about you, why wouldn't it make me sad that you are sad? I worked with my partner for a painfully long time to understand that the world doesn't really work in black and whites. But it is his natural mindset to be on either end of the extremes. Which has been difficult for me because I learned so early on (probably about 4years old) that the whole world is shades of gray. And it's been an uphill battle to try and get him to see this perspective. I am living in a gray area with him now (which isn't exactly great for me) but it seems to have stabilized him some and we are chipping away at our issues, making slow slow progress everyday.
"When I think about that all of the people in this world she hates herself the most I become sad. I mean really sad. And there is nothing I can do. So, I will just leave her alone and hope all the best for her."
My partner is a little less in denial about his issues and how his head warps reality, so he has been able, on a few occasions, to say just this "I love you, but I hate myself." This is the simplest summary for why we break the way we do. And I care so much for him, it breaks my heart that his heart is broken. Deeply broken. And there is nothing I can do to help him. All I have to give is love. Love and space. Even loving from a distance can be helpful for them. I am giving my love more space than I am secure with- it's really been plaguing my own demons to come alive in full force, but I'm trying to take this as an opportunity to grow through the pain. You are right- there is nothing we can do to fix them for them. Just support and love as humans are bound to do. And trying to love and support ourselves through this struggle too, even if that means walking away sometimes.

Thank you again for your story. It has brought me some dose of comfort, and I hope some of my story helps you feel less lost and alone



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