The BPD and the ex's

[vm87]

Just a question
What is the complication with BPD's and their ex's?
Even when they have clearly broken up, it wasn't good, and it's the same cycle and reoccurring problem... .and it will never work.

Even though they are the connection to the 'black', the withdrawal... .
And you are clearly the white... the positive... .the happy... the good.

Why even entertain an idea when they know they will only get the same outcome?

[Enabler]

Hey vm87,

Could you clarify who is "They", is that the pwBPD?

If 'they' = pwBPD, the complication is rapidly cycling feelings... .and feelings = facts... .thus nothing is 'clear', it's totally debatable in her mind that you are the white and she was the black (and likely changes constantly), and when you say it didn't work before... .well maybe she recalls differently today and the outcome won't be the same next time... .

Are you struggling with something?

[Red5]

Good Morning vm87,

Even though they are the connection to the 'black', the withdrawal... .
And you are clearly the white... the positive... .the happy... the good.

Is what you are describing; a current significant other (s/o), whom may be a pw/BPD, and whom is "looking back" to their former s/o while still connected to you (vm87)?

Red5

[Husband321]

Just a question
What is the complication with BPD's and their ex's?
Even when they have clearly broken up, it wasn't good, and it's the same cycle and reoccurring problem... .and it will never work.

Even though they are the connection to the 'black', the withdrawal... .
And you are clearly the white... the positive... .the happy... the good.

Why even entertain an idea when they know they will only get the same outcome?

They are most comfortable when they have several options. In my opinion.

Once the honeymoon period ends with you, then you will be the "black" ex who they go back to.

[vm87]

Good Morning vm87,

Is what you are describing; a current significant other (s/o), whom may be a pw/BPD, and whom is "looking back" to their former s/o while still connected to you (vm87)?

Red5

thanks everyone for your replies.

My pwBPD seems to have cycles with a different ex everytime he withdraws into the black. i mean he tells me that he has confusion about an ex when things are going very well with us. But when i give him space and then we talk about it face to face we are all good and back to normal, the white.

He admits he acknowledges his brain is playing tricks on him and the cycle of his emotions when he is in this state.

But i just don't understand when everything is going so well with us... when it starts getting intimate and intense, it's the confusion about a different ex that it never ever worked out with.
Where he also acknowledges it won't and does not work with them.

[Zen606]

Hi vm87-
I was thinking something about the borderline way of thinking when I read your message. I had been wondering what happens in the mind of the bp person that a change in behavior takes place. It can be 4 months of bliss and then the bp partner can self-sabotage  behaving in a way where all the non partner can do is end the relationship because knowing the script, yet another separation is about to take place. 

The ex still being in the picture could be and option for him if things don't work out with you. From the literature it seems that those with the disorder or traits of bp have a deep fear of being abandoned, which usually stems from childhood trauma.  There is a good book that you may want to look at, "Hard to Love: Understanding and Overcoming Male Borderline Personality Disorder"  by Joseph Nowinski. It helped my to understand why I was correct in ending the relationship with my bp trait ex.
Zen606

[Forearmed]

In my experience they are most likely to go back to an ex who they know they can manipulate fully. A lesser option is an ex who didn't fall for their BS (and is likely a hard- arse / more on an abusive spectrum  but they do have  chemistry with them).  Plus, as they are impulsive idealists, the child in them can rationalise as they know the person already, it's a more assured, immediate way of gaining the type of attention they need (than going through beginnings with a stranger).

[Enabler]

I would say it is tough to generalise. People without a PD chop in and out of relationships. I would imagine based on what we know about BPD, that pwBPD exit relationships impulsively due to heightened emotions, then change their minds as their moods rapidly change back. The pursuit of emotional safehavens coupled with splitting means that person A could be all White, good and safe one minute and all Black, bad and unsafe the next... .based on little in the way of facts and more feelings about that person.   

[Forearmed]

Facts are the average BPD is emotionally /cognitively ruthless (the nature of their condition). They'll typically only hang around (long-term) people they can use or who they have an emotional attachment to  (who hasn't yet hurt them enough). Again, we're talking exes here, so few BPDs will go back to something they've considered defective / value-less without a bloody good reason (in their minds : )

[Enabler]

Forearmed, reading between the lines I'm guessing you've had some pretty brutal experiences. BPD is a spectrum disorder and manifests itself in many many ways. In my experience on the boards reading other peoples experiences it's pretty clear that some are and some aren't ruthless, some are downright pathetic (for want of a better word). One thing is pretty clear to me though, pwBPD feel emotional pain, they deal with that emotional pain in different ways but often they deal with that pain and those negative feelings in counterproductive ways.

pwBPD do go back to defective people, and defective people also take them back with loving arms... .a pwBPD is perfectly capable of re-writing the narrative to ensure that person isn't defective in the pwBPD's mind.

[Forearmed]

Forearmed, reading between the lines I'm guessing you've had some pretty brutal experiences. BPD is a spectrum disorder and manifests itself in many many ways. In my experience on the boards reading other peoples experiences it's pretty clear that some are and some aren't ruthless, some are downright pathetic (for want of a better word). One thing is pretty clear to me though, pwBPD feel emotional pain, they deal with that emotional pain in different ways but often they deal with that pain and those negative feelings in counterproductive ways.

pwBPD do go back to defective people, and defective people also take them back with loving arms... .a pwBPD is perfectly capable of re-writing the narrative to ensure that person isn't defective in the pwBPD's mind.

Enabler- I've learned enough, ! Certainly enough over the years to break down core BPD motivations. Naturally those will be generalisations (unless we're talking specific individuals/ experiences). i.e. I think few would argue they're virtually all proven extremely selfish after the honeymoon period.

I'm just making sure 'if' some are willing to accept key realities about BPD then: 1) They are able to make informed decisions as regards their relationship investment  2) There won't be any excuses if you know what you're most likely dealing with, yet still took a chance.

[Forearmed]

Please note, I said 'defective... .and valueless'. Personally, I haven't met anyone emotionally ruthless who goes back to someone defective that they can't get some benefit from. Hence my first comment that they can quite happily go back to someone they know they can use for whatever needs they have.

I'm not the biggest fan : )

[Enabler]

I said 'defective... .and valueless'.

Good point well made... .but then have I'm not sure I've met anyone who goes back to someone who is defective & valueless. The returnee clearly see's some value in returning irrespective of PD or no PD.

Decisions are tough when you're experiencing emotion led thinking. Decisions tend not to be well thought out when you're emotionally dysregulated and operating on survival instincts, I'm pretty much sure that all of us have experienced this... .when you're running for your life you don't watch out for dog mess. BUT, when things calm down... .decisions are often different.

[Forearmed]

Good point well made... .but then have I'm not sure I've met anyone who goes back to someone who is defective & valueless. The returnee clearly see's some value in returning irrespective of PD or no PD.

Decisions are tough when you're experiencing emotion led thinking. Decisions tend not to be well thought out when you're emotionally dysregulated and operating on survival instincts, I'm pretty much sure that all of us have experienced this... .when you're running for your life you don't watch out for dog mess. BUT, when things calm down... .decisions are often different.

I hear you. That said, there's a context to my earlier comments. I'm just not looking to excuse core BPD behaviours (for anyone not looking to tolerate such future circs).

Now, we see many stories of *BPD's NEVER talking to exes again after devaluating them.* So, I was only concerned with; what more likely makes a BPD recycle an ex?

Of course, my views on that were made a couple of comments earlier - and simply a warning for those who might not be sure / trust why they're being hoo-vered.

N.B. Esp. as the largest majority won't be ANY different than they were before... .: )