People with BPD are incapable of real love

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I struggled with this question for months... Did she really love me?

It was odd. But there was also a component of "As soon as she gets what she wants, she doesn't want it"

Many men leave their wives for a BPD, and as soon as they can be together in all ways, the BPD changes and no longer wants to be with you... As soon as they marry, they take off. As soon as they have children, they no longer want to be a mom... The new house they always wanted, they then hate it...

What helped me ultimately was meeting someone knew, and understanding what a real relationship is... It isn't someone professing the deepest love, yet I am wondering if she will disappear when I am at work.  Or someone saying they would never cheat, who is making online dating profiles... Or someone buying me an engagement ring, telling me I am the answer to their dreams... Just to have sex with her ex husband after I got her her ring...

[Husband321]

I struggled with this question for months... Did she really love me?

It was odd. But there was also a component of "As soon as she gets what she wants, she doesn't want it"

Many men leave their wives for a BPD, and as soon as they can be together in all ways, the BPD changes and no longer wants to be with you... As soon as they marry, they take off. As soon as they have children, they no longer want to be a mom... The new house they always wanted, they then hate it...

What helped me ultimately was meeting someone knew, and understanding what a real relationship is... It isn't someone professing the deepest love, yet I am wondering if she will disappear when I am at work.  Or someone saying they would never cheat, who is making online dating profiles... Or someone buying me an engagement ring, telling me I am the answer to their dreams... Just to have sex with her ex husband after I got her her ring...

[Jeffree]

It's been said before that in order to love another you have to love yourself first.

Are pwBPD capable of loving themselves first, or are they so outwardly directed for attention and affection to feed them that they are not capable of loving themselves first?

Do you even believe in this idea that in order to love another you have to love yourself first?

J

[Chynna]

It depends on how you define 'love'. It's one word but means maybe different things to different people even with us nons. Like the saying "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." Remember~pwBPD are toddlers emotionally in grown up bodies. That can be confusing in itself! My xbf could say he loved me one minute yet if we disagreed on some minor issue, he would retract the 'statement'. My opinion is pwpbd's love is unstable. They love you today maybe not tomorrow... .fleeting, distractable and not dependable. But I gotta say those fleeting moments of bp love can be very convincing. My xbf loved me like a pwBPD. 8 mo. N/C... .:0)

[Chynna]

Jeffree, self love and acceptance is definitely an important part of being able to share love with another I'd say... .

[Husband321]

Love :
a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

Yes. The above is the definition of love.  And I feel they are capable of that. They can have a passionate affection for another. They excel at that.

But for us involved with BPD's we aren't asking "did she ever have affection for me?" No. We are asking if they "loved" us, which to me means the question, and what we want to know, is much deeper than just affection.  Or we would use the word affection. And we already have that answer.

If you think of a great love story, it might involve a man and a woman together through thick and thin.  She waits for him when he goes to war.  She cares for him. She longs for just him. She respects him best she can. She doesn't want to hurt him or cause him pain.  She takes care when he is sick. And one day when he is gone she is waiting at the light tower hoping somehow his ship comes back and they can be together.

I find that much different than a BPD "love story". After a few dates "wow. I love you so much. I never met anyone like you.  Let's move in together.  I love you I love you". Then after a week her ex bf pops up.  Repeat the same with him " wow I missed you.  What happened.  I love you.  I always will". Then on the internet meeting new men. "I never met anyone like you. I love you. I love you. My husband is trash".  Then when that don't work out, back to first husband.  "I love you. I love you"

To me the latter is more or less a garbage form of love.  

[Jeffree]

The other thing is that while I do believe my ex is capable of love, at the same time she wasn't capable of sustaining it for any particularly lengthy amount of time.

Therein lies the rub, no?

The length of time the love exists does seem to quantify just what kind of love there is/was.

J

[Cromwell]

pwBPD cant love because their personality is achieved via the person they are with. If we look at the idea that they are capable of love then that would mean they would love you dynamically as your personality alters. They will "love" you if they believe that you want them to, they will also express that love in the way they expect that you want them to.

We are talking about a condition which at its root is an identity disturbance coupled with intense fear of abandonment.

If you expect love, you will get the version that they believe you expect based on their concept of your personality, if it means that much to ensure the relationship continues. If you dont expect more than sexual intimacy, youll get what they expect you want. If they leave you, it is always for another relationship to switch personalities to. If new partners concept of love is different to yours, that will be what gets adapted to. What she had portrayed for years, not so much a portrayal as a self belief in what love is, was based around an interpretation of what I regarded as love that she perceived on observing my personality. The minute they leave, that concept of love gets abandoned with it, it has to, the personality is changed towards the new r/s. Not "forgotten" but abandoned. The new personality cant conflict with ours that they will be getting their own identity from.

If the person doesnt want or expect love, just physical intimacy, it makes it all the easier. My personality was consistent throughout the r/s, thats why it lasted as well as my open ness. Read that beyond as "not about love" but her moulding herself to what she believed I wanted from her. I suppose it brings up the question, when I told her I loved her, it understandably creates something of a meltdown - its saying to her that I am loving her on the entire basis of her identity being centred around using my personality as the structural blocks for defining hers.

[Husband321]

I think there is also an obvious physical component to Love, and being in love.

The brain releases Oxytocin, dopamine, etc... And we feel really good. I am thinking everyone, BPD or not, experiences this.

But lets play with semantics again, and ask "are people with BPD capable off TRUE love"

I think a non disordered person who truly loves someone, treats them in a certain way.

So that might entail keeping promises, not hiding things, dedication to improving a relationship, seeing things from their perspective, wanting to see them happy, being there during the tough times etc.  You truly love this person, and have the mental capability to do so. An example could be promising I would take my son somewhere... No matter what, I keep my promises to him. I would not want to hurt him. And the same if you love your wife. But I have the mental capability to realize I would be hurting him if I do not follow through.

I think we have to do a lot of mental gymnastics to somehow call the affection a BPD gives us, and turns on and off, "true love".  Yes, its a form of love, but I would say not the optimal level we all seek.

[Ollie2018]

If you find yourself in a hospital bed, would they be by your side? Or view you as abandoning them and freak out... Can they put their needs aside, at least momentarily,  because they love you?


Mine would be by my side, but not selflessly for me, but rather because it is obviously the socially accepted and immutable gesture to make that she can then tell people she did because she's that amazing of a person. It would also help her erase many of her previously cruel actions toward me IN HER MIND. It's sort of like the sinful abuser who repents for his sins on his deathbed. At no point would such a gesture on her part be about me, but rather something she can use to ascend to the lofty heights of the pedestal she has herself on.

However, if I hadn't unmasked her for what she is, I would be none the wiser to her motives behind such a gesture.

J

Here Here!

That sounds like my wife exactly!

She is super-mom to the unsuspecting public!

[Cromwell]

I think there is also an obvious physical component to Love, and being in love.

The brain releases Oxytocin, dopamine, etc... And we feel really good. I am thinking everyone, BPD or not, experiences this.

But lets play with semantics again, and ask "are people with BPD capable off TRUE love"

I think a non disordered person who truly loves someone, treats them in a certain way.

So that might entail keeping promises, not hiding things, dedication to improving a relationship, seeing things from their perspective, wanting to see them happy, being there during the tough times etc.  You truly love this person, and have the mental capability to do so. An example could be promising I would take my son somewhere... No matter what, I keep my promises to him. I would not want to hurt him. And the same if you love your wife. But I have the mental capability to realize I would be hurting him if I do not follow through.

I think we have to do a lot of mental gymnastics to somehow call the affection a BPD gives us, and turns on and off, "true love".  Yes, its a form of love, but I would say not the optimal level we all seek.

Yes, every time during sex. Intiating that natural oxytocin trust and bonding hormone.

but beyond all that primal behaviour, lurks a conciousness that is supposed to be a form of over-ride safety guage.

did I love her less when the sex started to slow down, sure. Thats the point (thinking of leaving point) it was rebonding time.

the unhealthy attachment has just as much as biochemical basis as it does the emotional intensive basis. those factors combined for me was enmeshment, hook line and sinker each time.

[Shawnlam]

Yes, every time during sex. Intiating that natural oxytocin trust and bonding hormone.

but beyond all that primal behaviour, lurks a conciousness that is supposed to be a form of over-ride safety guage.

did I love her less when the sex started to slow down, sure. Thats the point (thinking of leaving point) it was rebonding time.

the unhealthy attachment has just as much as biochemical basis as it does the emotional intensive basis. those factors combined for me was enmeshment, hook line and sinker each time.

I will second this ,my ex during sex would ask me to tell her I loved her.Her two ways to bond was sex and a really weird one that I’ve yet to see on any BPD forum is she loved to sleep on me on the couch.Not for 10 min either but hours at a time,I’d feel her heart rate slow and she would just twitch and moan while using me as a human blanket.If I stopped petting her hair she would twitch like a bad dream ,the minute I’d pet her hair again she would calm down (I even took a picture of this no joke).Shes also smile when sleeping on me all very weird behaviors but I enjoyed it as much as her.When I didn’t know any better I always thought I was keeping her safe and protected and she loved that ... .how foolish I was.

[once removed]

therapy isnt a place people go to learn how to love us the way we want to be loved. therapy is a place for learning skills to cope.

i think its an important point. a lot of us have this idea that if our exes went to therapy and stuck with it, the problems from the relationship would be gone, and our partners would treat us how we want to be treated and be "right" for us.

and i think in that, a couple of points get lost:

1. the point about love and capability (on either side) or what it even means to be better capable of love
2. what the fundamental and unresolvable problems in the relationship were, and why
3. our exes fell out of love with us; im not sure why we take that to mean they arent capable of love.

[Jeffree]

therapy isnt a place people go to learn how to love us the way we want to be loved. therapy is a place for learning skills to cope.


That's better than nothing in most cases.

i think its an important point. a lot of us have this idea that if our exes went to therapy and stuck with it, the problems from the relationship would be gone, and our partners would treat us how we want to be treated and be "right" for us.

I think that a lot of us have this idea that if our exes went to therapy that the problems from the relationship would be more manageable, which would provide enough of a glimmer of hope for us to be able to carry on. If our exes were agreeable to having a professional mediate the challenges within our relationship that would put us on even enough ground to hopefully be able to receive enough validation for us to feel as though we are not as much of the problem as our exes would like to believe we are. All most of us ever need is someone in the trenches with us in the relationship with an unbiased view as to what the best course of action is.

Accordingly, most of believe, and rightly so, that not too many therapists would recommend to our exes  to just up and leave the relationship for our replacement the way most do. Would it automatically solve ALL the problems within the relationship to have our exes stay the course? Not at all. But it would at least keep things grounded enough for us to be able to work toward a logical conclusion as opposed to having things constantly careening from one extreme to another.


3. our exes fell out of love with us; im not sure why we take that to mean they arent capable of love.


Because given the amount of effort we put into the relationship, and it still not working out, it seems as though nobody could have been successful with our exes. PLUS, their track records being what they usually are also seems to indicate that nobody could find success with our exes.

J

[Shawnlam]

therapy isnt a place people go to learn how to love us the way we want to be loved. therapy is a place for learning skills to cope.

i think its an important point. a lot of us have this idea that if our exes went to therapy and stuck with it, the problems from the relationship would be gone, and our partners would treat us how we want to be treated and be "right" for us.

and i think in that, a couple of points get lost:

1. the point about love and capability (on either side) or what it even means to be better capable of love
2. what the fundamental and unresolvable problems in the relationship were, and why
3. our exes fell out of love with us; im not sure why we take that to mean they arent capable of love.

I have this going theory that if therapy or whatever tool:cure could magically fix someone with BPD ... .wouldn’t they then have a sense of self,become and actual unique individual who no longer chameleons everyone around them to please them to be liked ? And if that would happen who says from that point on we would be the people our ex’s would have wanted in the first place ? Maybe we with our weaknesses would no longer appeal to them?  My two cents

[Turkish]

given the amount of effort we put into the relationship, and it still not working out, it seems as though nobody could have been successful with our exes. PLUS, their track records being what they usually are also seems to indicate that nobody could find success with our exes.

Who here has only been in one relationship? Would it be logical to judge our ability to love given multiple relationships and our track records?

What are the core feelings of a pwBPD? My feelings are inherently worthless; therefore I'm inherently worthless and unworthy of love.  Shame. Direct quote from a pwBPD. 

They are capable of love,  but it's an insecure attachment given that they may not feel themselves worth loving.  Of course they desire love,  who doesn't? It's the unhealthy coping mechanisms which cause pain to people on their lives. 

[Jeffree]

Would it be logical to judge our ability to love given multiple relationships and our track records?

By track records I mean what their relationships have been like... .the instabilities, dramas, abuses, addictions and the like. Frequency is not really a part of what I am speaking about at all.

J

[Husband321]

therapy isnt a place people go to learn how to love us the way we want to be loved. therapy is a place for learning skills to cope.

i think its an important point. a lot of us have this idea that if our exes went to therapy and stuck with it, the problems from the relationship would be gone, and our partners would treat us how we want to be treated and be "right" for us.

and i think in that, a couple of points get lost:

1. the point about love and capability (on either side) or what it even means to be better capable of love
2. what the fundamental and unresolvable problems in the relationship were, and why
3. our exes fell out of love with us; im not sure why we take that to mean they arent capable of love.

I feel therapy might:

1. Bring some stability to their lives  
2. Prevent them from causing more hurt and pain elsewhere
3. Prevent them from hurting themselves in all ways. (Physically. Sexually. Financially)
4. Help them be a parent instead of abandoning their kids

It's not that they just "fell out of love" with us.  It's with every past partner.  Parents. Siblings. Friends. Their own children etc. It's probably not good to do things like get married, have kids, buy a home , then just disappear.

And here is also more to life than just love. Sometimes it is sad to see people
Hit rock bottom in all ways.

[Shawnlam]

Would it be logical to judge our ability to love given multiple relationships and our track records?

By track records I mean what their relationships have been like... .the instabilities, dramas, abuses, addictions and the like. Frequency is not really a part of what I am speaking about at all.

J

Sadly the famous Einstein quote , doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result is the definition of insanity seemingly applies to most people with BPD unless they seek treatment .Most will go into and out of a relationship systematically the same way until they grow old .My ex’s mother went through 3 marriages one of her husbands committed suicide ,her aunt had 4 marriages , her female cousin 2 marriages .It makes you wonder sometimes if there is a genetic link to these traits / behaviors.With that said it’s written in the sky unless my ex seeks treatment she seems doomed to repeat in the foot steps of her female line in the family.

[Husband321]

3. our exes fell out of love with us; im not sure why we take that to mean they arent capable of love.

I think in my situation, a better way to put it would be they are incapable of sustaining feelings. It is just extreme love or hate.  And they can go through this several times a day at times

In a way I feel they aren't even capable of "like" much less relationship  love.

The reason is, as my therapist put it "your ex could draw on a piece of paper everything she wants in you.  The life she wants. The home she wants. The amount of kids she wants. And then the next day it could be the exact opposite. So no matter what you do, you could never give her what she wants. Nobody can"

[zachira]

Husband321,
You have really hit the nail on the head when you say that people with BPD are incapable of sustaining feelings. I realize you have really touched a spot in my heart and head with this thought. It makes me think of how the best parents provide what is known as "Object Constancy", that is they are there as much as possible to validate their child's feelings which eventually allows for the child to become an adult that can develop trusting relationships, that can feel love and supported even when their love ones are not in the room. I am now thinking that the BPD people in our life may feel love for us at times; the problem is the loving feelings do not last, and major triggers are that partners cannot be there all the time or be perfect in validating feelings.
This brings up the question: Are those who love people with BPD capable of love? I think even for us who have loved and love people with BPD, we often become overwhelmed by our distressing feelings and lose ourselves in our pain, which likely stems from not having the kind of loving parent we needed to be able to maintain loving caring feelings most of the time. Those of us who love people with BPD often do not feel loving towards the BPDs in our life, and maybe our biggest challenge is to increase the amount of time we engage in loving relationships with self and others, and reduce the time spent overwhelmed by distressing feelings.

[Husband321]

This brings up the question: Are those who love people with BPD capable of love? I think even for us who have loved and love people with BPD, we often become overwhelmed by our distressing feelings and lose ourselves in our pain, which likely stems from not having the kind of loving parent we needed to be able to maintain loving caring feelings most of the time. Those of us who love people with BPD often do not feel loving towards the BPDs in our life, and maybe our biggest challenge is to increase the amount of time we engage in loving relationships with self and others, and reduce the time spent overwhelmed by distressing feelings.

I don't think any relationship, especially a romantic one, is a straight line up starting from getting to know someone, to absolute love.

A relationship or marriage is a series of ups and downs. And it's how you handle the "down parts" that distinguish nons from BPD's. A partner can irritate you. Some times are less passionate. They might hurt your feelings etc. Thats every relationship.

So if I have a bad week, or a couple bad weeks, or even months in a lifetime marriage, that's part of life. And I have the ability to keep my words.  Promises.  Live up to my responsibilities.  And better times will be ahead. I don't go impulsively ruin years of a relationship anytime things are not perfect.

Where as my BPD ex wife would simply disappear after an argument. For days or weeks or months. . Or sometimes just disappear from a trigger I don't even know about.  She did the same to her children and ex husband.  And then she would just "fall in love" with any stranger off the internet within a day or 2.  Then she would try to maneuver that triangle.  New guy, ex, and her.

And ultimately, I can still have love for my ex, but there are things they can do that you know you just can't be around them. Cheating, vanishing, etc.

[zachira]

Thank you Husband321 for your response. How did you go from being with a BPD woman to having a loving relationship? I am working on spending less time on being distressed about my relationships: family and romantic attractions, and I think my challenge is to feel less distressed about what I cannot change and become a better person myself: more compassionate towards self and others, and reduce my time spent grieving and ruminating about all the pain. I truly believe who we are attracted to and who we choose to have relationships with says a lot about who we are, and I want to get away from blaming the BPDs in my life: my mother and my siblings, and to stop feeling attracted to men who are likely BPD and that somehow I feel I can save and change if I just give them my love.

[Chynna]

Husband321, I agree 100%.

Zachira, I found myself a little confused by some of your statements but then read your latest post and realized you've been dealing with pwBPD your whole life.  When my xbf & I met, I had no idea about the d/o. I think my childhood was pretty normal for my generation. I'm personally not attracted to "men with BPD"; I was attracted to this genuine appearing man who 'seemed' to exhibit the qualities that I look for. The r/s became insidiously worse (frog in warm water as opposed to scalding). Yes I have spent a bit of time since the end of r/s feeling pain, sadness & probably doing some ruminating. I call that the process of healing. These b/ups are tough. :0(  My healing process doesn't stifle the other r/s in my life; I don't allow my healing "process" to migrate into other areas of my life. Still it's a sore spot. I'll continue to sing the praises of N/C... .~Chynna

[zachira]

Chynna,
Thank you for your response and taking time to understand. Yes, growing up in an immediate family with BPD and relatives on both sides of the house with BPD, led me to learn some really unhealthy ways of relating to self and others. I was the scapegoat in my immediate family and for some members of the extended family on my father's side. Many lifelong problems begin when the child is about two years old and the parents are upset that the child has temper tantrums over wanting to be more independent. The worst abuse begins at birth with a primary caretaker who has no capacity to relate  to a baby's emotional needs, in my case my severely BPD mother, and this type of abuse is the most difficult to heal. I am glad to hear that although the ending of your relationship was painful, it is not overwhelming you or affecting other areas of your life that much. I am now looking at my part in the dynamics of relating to BPDs into my life and/or having ongoing relationships with my BPD family members. I feel that it helps to recognize that my BPD family members and men I am attracted to cannot love or care for me, yet if I am to move on I have to recognize how I am the biggest part of the problem: My challenges in loving myself at times when I am most triggered, lead me to ruminate and blame the BPDs while feeling overcome with guilt, and this is why I have added to this discussion the thought that those who love with people with BPD often have fluctuating and overwhelming emotions that that are not very loving and can resemble how the people with BPD in our lives behave at times.

[Husband321]

and this is why I have added to this discussion the thought that those who love with people with BPD often have fluctuating and overwhelming emotions that that are not very loving and can resemble how the people with BPD in our lives behave at times.

Chynna.  Exactly.  I don't feel there is anything fundamentally wrong with myself because I fell for a BPD. If you aren't around BPD before, how Would you know someone is "mirroring you" etc.

Zachari. yes.  I feel what the BPD does is is create "crazy making" behavior within the non. Gas lighting. Cheating. Lying.  Breaking promises. Vanishing. Ghosting.  Of course these things bring out all kinds of emotions in another human.  My therapist said ther WOULD be something wrong with me if I wasn't sad/angry/ hurt etc.

[Husband321]

"love isnt a feeling, its an ability" - dan in real life

a dumb movie quote, i know.

but if love is a feeling, and capability of love is limited to the ability to sustain that feeling, i really dont know anyone who is capable of that.

i do think its an ability that everyone has. i also think everyone has a limited ability.

I think this is the difference when a BPD woman is "in love"...

Romantic love consists of 2 parts.The feeling of being in love, and then the more mature, long lasting form of love.

The first part of love, the feelings, are hard wired and chemically induced in our brains. During this time the cognitive part of our brains is also working creating a stable and long lasting form of love.

It is that second component of love, the part that requires cognitive thought, the mature long lasting type of love, that is not possible for a BPD, as most likely they are always perceiving potential abandonment, so they never start to build the foundation.

So thats why they can disappear and fall in love with a different person, without much of a second thought at times...

I also think that BPD's do have a highly developed moral code. The problem is that they cannot control their emotions or themselves... This is why they feel deep shame... And to absolve themselves of this shame for doing things such as disappearing and cheating, they must go on their smear campaign to clear their name to others...

So in the end, the non is thinking "ok, she cheated, she moved in with another guy overnight, and she smeared my name. Did she love me?"

So the answer is yes and no... She loved you and it was real, when it came to the physical release of oxytocin in her brain. But her brain  never started to build the real foundation of lasting love, as most non's probably do.

[Jeffree]

So in the end, the non is thinking "ok, she cheated, she moved in with another guy overnight, and she smeared my name. Did she love me?"

So the answer is yes and no... She loved you and it was real, when it came to the physical release of oxytocin in her brain. But her brain  never started to build the real foundation of lasting love, as most non's probably do.[/b]

Very well thought out and well said, Husband321.

This triggered in me the notion that while it feels better for us nons to say that at some point we were acting appropriately to what we are almost certain was our pwBPD's love for us, unfortunately we might have just gotten hit by a few of the chance love pellets they were shooting all over the place and we seemed more like a convenient temporary resting spot for them than a genuine person for them to love.

I know that sounds horrible, and I am not trying to discount the possibility that pwBPD are capable of love, but so many of the stories here of how fleeting the love they received from the pwBPD was just makes me wonder how consciously our pwBPD decided to love us versus it just being a "hey, why not" kind of decision for them, or "hey, it's better than a stick in the eye."

J

[Husband321]

I think they are in panic mode when alone... And "being in love" , and having someone "in love with them" allows the partner to take care of their emotional needs for them, which they can't do themselves.  Someone "in love" is willing to do that for them... And I think they no longer feel secure once these beginning stages start to wear off, and as the partner you might expect things back from them.

In my case, when we met, she told me how she had been single for so long,did not date for a while etc. So of course, I felt "special".

Years later I found out she was with someone the day before me, the day after, her ex husband later in the week etc.

It just makes me realize how frantic some of them can be if they are alone... They will lie, manipulate, use sex, make promises etc... Do anything to not be alone... But in the end it isn't because they "love you", it's more or less because they need someone. It's almost like a matter of life or death for them I feel.  it's a form of love that they can just turn off, and turn on for the next person... And if the next person doesn't work, then somehow they feel they can just come back to you... Like nothing happened at all.

[zachira]

Husband 321,
I think it is very different if you fall for a BPD and have no history of being raised by a BPD. Any normal person would feel just awful by some of the behaviors of a BPD. Those of us who have been raised by a BPD parent learn behaviors that are counterproductive to choosing a healthy partner. For example, the BPD parent teaches their child that it is their job to take care of the parent no matter what, so sometimes those of us who are raised by this type of parent often choose a BPD partner to take care of. Throughout my life, I have often seen myself acting like my BPD mother, and one of the reasons I started going to therapy years ago is I realized I do not want to be like her. I am in so many ways not like my mother and I am proud of being a better person than she, while at the same time I sometimes see how how I interact with myself and others is very negative. I will always be looking to be the best person I can, and I have to be vigilant about not acting just like mom, in certain circumstances especially under stress. Most of all now more than ever, I need to continue with and develop close intimate relationships with people that will support me to be the best person I can be and limit my emotional involvement with people with BPD.

[zachira]

I have been thinking about how people with BPD are unable to make long term commitments to relationships. If we have a caretaker that gives us unconditional love when we are babies, we learn to love and can have committed relationships. If we have a caretaker that does not know how to love us, then we learn not to trust anybody, and fear being abandoned.