He blames me for his loneliness

[Radcliff]

Mustbe,

Wow, you are implicitly posing some really good questions.  What kind of contact is most appropriate? 

It seems like it would be helpful to know where you want the relationship to be long-term.  Where do you want the relationship to be two years from now?  Do you want to be no contact?  Exchange cards at holidays?  Check in once a month?  Be casual friends and eat dinner once or twice a month?

You've already said that you can turn your phone to "do not disturb" during special times (like on the beach!  )  There are other ways to reduce his dependence on you and how disruptive he is to you.  One is your text response time.  You could always delay by an hour before responding, but I prefer to be more authentic, and just develop general boundaries around texting.  If I get a text while grocery shopping, I may wait until I'm in the car to respond.

Another thing is content of the texts.  Your reply, "that's rough, I wish you felt better" was brilliant.  You empathized with him.  But when you offered to meet him for lunch, what are your thoughts on that?

WW

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Wentworth,

I have been mulling over your questions and considering my reply.  I know what I want, but what is possible is almost surely different.  Since living together happily is not in the cards, I would say being friendly and seeing each other occasionally would be my desire.  Lots of boundaries - not my forte yet, would need to be thought of and in place for that to happen.  The reality is that less communication would be the healthiest thing for me.   

Thanks for the tough question, Honestly, I am still trying to "fix" his feelings and was giving in to his demands to offer to see him.  He doesn't actually want to meet me anywhere, but those are my conditions.  i actually did meet him after that time.  He called me and I was leaving the nursing home from visiting my mom.  He started out friendly, asking about Mom, etc.  then said, "I am starving, have you eaten?"  It was late in the evening and I had not.  I agreed to meet him at a sandwhich shop nearby.  He wasn't there when I arrived, so I went on in and sat at a table to wait.  When he got there, his face was angry and he strode over to me and said, "You couldn't even wait for me outside?"  It caught me totally off guard.  He said a few other things and people were staring or trying not to look.  He stormed off.
I was left feeling confused, like what just happened? 

I had the presence of mind to just sit there and wait until I saw his vehicle pull out of the parking lot before I left.  He later texted that this meeting in public places was BS and that I made him out to be something he was not. 
I felt safer that i had that boundary about meeting in public in place.  I realize a healthier person might not be happy about meeting in public, but would probably work to restore trust instead of storming away.

I have been in therapy, on this forum, studying about healing and he has not availed himself to anything to heal or get past our breakup.  No wonder he is sadly flailing about.  It's tough enough with all kinds of support.

He said, last night by text, I give up, you win.  Let's get a divorce asap.  He says that I wanted a divorce and I should get an attorney.  I felt guilty for a moment and then I thought, yes I really won,  pushed out of my home, husband violent to me, marriage in shambles.  Yep, I won... .  i got some mental clairty and concluded that I did what I did to survive and eventually thrive. 

I am working with my therapist about my hesitation to see an attorney.  It's a difficult step. 

Mustbeabetterway

[zachira]

Hello Mustbeabetterway,
I admire your courage and how you are getting through such difficult times with an ex that does not accept the end of your marriage. I am wondering about your husband's problems with anger management and how serving him with divorce papers could affect your safety. Maybe it would better if you insisted that he serve you with divorce papers. That way he is not the victim, as he actually took the first step in getting legally divorced. Clearly you are not responsible in any way for his anger and terrible behaviors, yet you have to be careful to not unnecessarily antagonize him as he is very volatile. These are just my thoughts, and as always, you are the best judge of what will work, and know this situation inside and out. Take care and keep us posted.

[Radcliff]

Mustbe, I admire the way you're handling this, though I'm sad to hear that the meeting in the sandwich shop didn't work.  After such a long time together, that friendly relationship you are hoping for would be so nice.  The best you can do is to continue to be open to it, staying centered and enforcing your boundaries with respect and without acrimony.

You're spot on with his reaction of angrily storming out.  A healthier person would have been happy for the opportunity to see you, and would have built from there.  Heck, he invited you!

I agree there are no winners in this.  Just survivors.  You have lost so much, not just a home and a relationship, but dreams as well.  There is a lot of grieving to do.

You are going to continue to grow with boundaries.  You can continue to document your interactions with him on this thread, including your successes and setbacks with boundaries.  Going back to read the thread will show you how much progress you're making, and remind you of why you set the boundaries.  The next time he invites you to get together in a public place, would you do it and see if he does better, or would you want to claim more space for a while? (There's no right answer to that question).  Would you want to try to soften his potential shame by saying that the public place thing is less about safety and more about what you're emotionally ready for, or to you think such an effort would be a waste? (Again, no right answer).

Regarding the lawyer, a "baby steps" approach may work.  Just envisioning the process can be helpful.  Have you heard of the book, Splitting, by Bill Eddy?  He is a counselor turned lawyer who wrote the book specifically about divorcing pwBPD.  The book includes a section on picking a lawyer appropriate to the task.  Reading that book might be a way to wrap your head around things and build some confidence that the path ahead is possible.

WW