Sharing their abusive messages on social media

[Dargumin]

So I was briefly not-black and unblocked.  That all ended when we were on the very very verge of saying a sweet bye & see you around message to each other, I got a bit mushy & emotional in my message and talked of times when it was so painful to leave her each sunday night as our weekends together ended, and how she let me know a whole knew level of love existed inside of me... .she replied sidestepping all of that and just reminding me how she viewed me talking to her other exes after we split as a betrayal she can't forgive. (I wonder why? ) 

I was very annoyed that she dismissed my romantic words and tried to rock the boat just as I was saying my sweet goodbye. Suffice to say I' m blocked again  and she's said some very hurtful words once more, except this time the words were meant to hurt me but they bounced off me like bullets on superman.    I'm bored of it all and over her now, I can see me just being able to walk away now.  Except that's what she wants isn't it?  She wants to get away with her abusive ways and for the guy to disappear never to be heard from again.  It doesn't feel right to give her what she wants, it's the last thing she deserves.  I've tried to rehabilitate her for her crimes against me, no luck.  So it seems when rehab fails a punishment should be served out instead.  Am I legally OK to share her abusive messages to me on social media?

[once removed]

are you legally ok to do it? as far as i know. social media platforms often have a policy against sharing private messages.

I'm bored of it all and over her now, I can see me just being able to walk away now.

do you think it would help you as far as detaching goes? never mind what she does or doesnt want, do you want to continue to be entangled?

[Dargumin]

do you think it would help you as far as detaching goes? never mind what she does or doesnt want, do you want to continue to be entangled?

As I said... .her shockingly hurtful words bounced off me like bullets on superman, last year these same words would have devastated me.  I feel Im truly in the driving seat at last. I want to give her every opportunity to admit a problem and change her ways but if she wont then I feel ready to serve out justice.

[DogMan75]

As I said... .her shockingly hurtful words bounced off me like bullets on superman, last year these same words would have devastated me.  I feel Im truly in the driving seat at last. I want to give her every opportunity to admit a problem and change her ways but if she wont then I feel ready to serve out justice.

“Justice”?

Just detach. If her words really “bounce right off you”, just let them go. Be the bigger person here. Airing dirty laundry will only serve to make you look like the bad guy no matter what she said.

[toomanydogs]

Hi Dargumin,
  I agree with what others have written here. I would not share the private messages publicly.
  Two things: Several years ago, I shared almost everything that had gone on in my marriage on website. I regret that now because, really, it made me look more out of control than my H.
  The other thing: My STBX used to constantly share private message on Facebook, including texts that I sent him. I reported him to Facebook this past year because he wrote about me (and his father) saying I was a thief, just like his dad, and that I'd abused him, neither of which was true. Facebook required that he take the posts down. He didn't. He rolled them into a different post, so that it was harder to see them, but Facebook did respond to my request. I'm guessing that if enough people complained about my STBX then his Facebook page could be taken down completely.
  So I wouldn't take to social media,
TMD

[Lady Itone]

I want to give her every opportunity to admit a problem and change her ways but if she wont then I feel ready to serve out justice.

This is a person with a serious mental illness. I'm not saying that justifies all her bad behavior, but how do you think burning her on social media is going to help? Do you really think that will be just the wake up call she needs to start treating you better? Plus it will make you look petty and vindictive. I know if I see someone slam an ex on social media, I immediately think badly of the person doing the slamming, not the ex.

You have a right to be angry and hurt. But don't lose your dignity or your moral compass over it.

[Skip]

So you last words were about the predominant memory you have (cherishing her, loss) and her last works were about the predominant memory that she has (betrayal, resentment).

It really seems so unjust that I'm left with a broken heart, mourning both the loss of a lover and a friend and blocked from all forms of contact & struggling to get anywhere career wise - whilst she is well over me, dating all the replacements she can and juggling this with a great career. How do High Functioning types manage to keep it together so well at work?   And is it common for them to be workaholics like my ex is?

It might help to realize that what hurts most is losing her - these other things are just targets that we all latch onto and suffer over - but, simply, you cared for her and it was a real loss.

Resentments, however, are real and are often justifiable... .but they often don't serve us well. Given everything you know now, do you think it was (1) justifiable to go to her ex partners? Did it (2) serve you well?

I think this is how you might want to look at this thing now. What do you think?

[Dargumin]

So you last words were about the predominant memory you have (cherishing her, loss) and her last works were about the predominant memory that she has (betrayal, resentment).

It might help to realize that what hurts most is losing her - these other things are just targets that we all latch onto and suffer over - but, simply, you cared for her and it was a real loss.

Resentments, however, are real and are often justifiable... .but they often don't serve us well. Given everything you know now, do you think it was (1) justifiable to go to her ex partners? Did it (2) serve you well?

I think this is how you might want to look at this thing now. What do you think?

Agree the sense of loss is the worst, she was a friend for 9 years and I was pretty much in love within a month. It was justifiable to go to her ex's because 1: I have never encountered behaviour like this from anyone before and I wanted to know if others had experienced the same 2: I knew 3 of them from the rave scene we are all in... .had 2 on facebook that had dated her 5 and 9 years previous and the 3rd one had dated her18 months before me ... .i met him at a festival quite randomly.

[once removed]

1. I wanted them to validate me, tell me yes she's a nightmare, don't blame yourself.

is this what drove you to reach out to her exes?

is it maybe whats driving you with your ex?

[Dargumin]

is this what drove you to reach out to her exes?

is it maybe whats driving you with your ex?

This was a big part of it with reaching to her exes. The other part being I wanted to see if the pattern gave cause for concern... .both for her and future replacements.  Ive never seen anyone who can flip from having fun to total rage like this before I know it cant be good for her.

[Skip]

It's not really good boundaries to go to a persons past lovers. I know you have you reasons, but are they good character reasons or not-so-honorable reasons?  The test is to look the rationale:

1. Is validation a "good character" reason. Probably not. That is self-serving at anthers expense.

2. Is concern for her a "good character" reason. It could be, but one would have to be very discrete.

3. Is concern for future replacements a "good character" reason. No.

What "good character" reasons  would you post her messages on social media? You certainly wouldn't want to do it to bully, terrorize, or for vengeance.

[Dargumin]

It's not really good boundaries to go to a persons past lovers. I know you have you reasons, but are they good character reasons or not-so-honorable reasons?  The test is to look the rationale:

1. Is validation a "good character" reason. Probably not. That is self-serving at anthers expense.

2. Is concern for her a "good character" reason. It could be, but one would have to be very discrete.

3. Is concern for future replacements a "good character" reason. No.

What "good character" reasons  would you post her messages on social media? You certainly wouldn't want to do it to bully, terrorize, or for vengeance.

Is there an official book on boundaries I missed? Its a free country.  Treat me like dirt and you lose your rights to boundaries.

[Dargumin]

Ultimately I wouldnt be convinced she had BPD had I not gone to the exes. Now at least I have proof of a pervasive pattern. The seld doubt i had that I had caused and deserved her rage was unbearable. If she really didnt want exes to talk she should have stopped fishing at the same small pond.

[Skip]

I've tried to rehabilitate her for her crimes against me, no luck.  So it seems when rehab fails a punishment should be served out instead.  Am I legally OK to share her abusive messages to me on social media?

There is civil liability in the UK. It just depends on if he person violated pursues the matter. What is it that you have that is so punishing? Do you want to discretely share a sample here?

Dargumin, a lot of people think about revenge but don't act on it. That is not abnormal. Some even feel suicidal after these relationships.

Break ups are devastating.

[once removed]

Treat me like dirt

you gave it your all, Dargumin. i hear a guy that put his heart and soul into a relationship and both of those things suffered.

my ex jumped into a relationship that shed been lining up before we broke up. sometime after that, i realized shed likely cheated on me multiple times, and after all those times she was convinced i was cheating on her. even for months afterward it drove me nuts. i wanted to call her out on it. i wanted what i considered justice.

at a certain point, i realized she couldnt give that to me. i think when a breakup occurs, no matter how badly it ended, neither party is really in a position to provide that to the other.

so eventually i let it go. i dont think that rewarded her or let her get away with anything. i think it freed me. it helped me move on to better things.

that desire to show our hurt, whether it be through tearful apologies, or begging them to come back, or to get revenge, or just to have a heart to heart where our ex tells us they were wrong... .the more we indulge it, the more it grows. the longer we stay, one way or the other, attached.

[EdR]

When I read all these stories on these boards, one could say the line between a pwBPD and a NON is sometimes a very thin line... .

As caretakers we also feel strong emotions and my guess is that the pwBPD could easily portray us as the 'broken' ones. I even read that a lot here.

So I like to pause and think about what truly makes us different. At least, what makes ME different.
Although she was lying, treated me like dirt, starts all these horrible rumours etc. etc., I can honestly say that I kept treating her with respect.

The entire world may start to believe her, but I did NOT and will never act like she did.

So imho: When you would post her stuff online, what would make you any better than her?

[Dargumin]

So a few weeks later and I've calmed down.  Sharing the messages would serve to cast her in a different light, so many people that know her can't believe I'm talking about the same person that they know.  I think I wanted to lash out that she could U turn so quickly after actually being nice to me in the club 5 weeks ago.  She knows I think there's 'something' wrong with her mentally, but she doesn't know what.

  Funnily enough she text me saying she was ready to discuss this in a morning message whist I was still asleep, by the time I had got up, she had sent 6 more texts changing her mind and saying some very hurtful things before blocking me.  I have since emailed her saying I know she doesn't mean the awful things she says in the heat of the moment and I forgive it,  and it's better we stop messaging each other if we can't stay pleasant, and instead lets just try and be pleasant when we cross paths like we did 5 weeks ago.

The person I spoke to in the club... .that version of her... .I hadn't seen that nice version of her since before we split over a year ago. Guess that is what rocked me... rather than her insults.

[Cromwell]

Hi Dargumin

Anything you do that will come across as hurtful actions will just make it easier for her to feel less of any guilt and increased validation to herself on whatever she has loosely constructed against you in the first place.

I had strong emotions and strong feelings to do something in retaliation, she gave plenty reason that I could have done those things in the heat of the moment and still forgiven myself for them - yet Im glad I didnt, its made it far easier to move on. Even this type of tit for tat is still an indirect way of keeping a relationship going. If your ex was anything like mine, im glad I didnt do anything from a practical standpoint either, she could hold grudges easily and who knows what yours might do in response. 'Reputation' was life or death for my ex, how others perceived her - she would stop at nothing to defend her 'image' constructed by herself if anyone did anything against it.

better to be the mature one and know that these feelings are ok, understandable, but you will feel better for yourself in the long run to put to them to one side.

[Dargumin]

Hi Dargumin

Anything you do that will come across as hurtful actions will just make it easier for her to feel less of any guilt and increased validation to herself on whatever she has loosely constructed against you in the first place.

I had strong emotions and strong feelings to do something in retaliation, she gave plenty reason that I could have done those things in the heat of the moment and still forgiven myself for them - yet Im glad I didnt, its made it far easier to move on. Even this type of tit for tat is still an indirect way of keeping a relationship going. If your ex was anything like mine, im glad I didnt do anything from a practical standpoint either, she could hold grudges easily and who knows what yours might do in response. 'Reputation' was life or death for my ex, how others perceived her - she would stop at nothing to defend her 'image' constructed by herself if anyone did anything against it.

better to be the mature one and know that these feelings are ok, understandable, but you will feel better for yourself in the long run to put to them to one side.

Yes similarly reputation is everything for my ex too.  She's so upset I dared talk to her ex's and discover how consistently high conflict she has been... .she talks about her ex's like they are her property.   So yes I guess knowing reputation is everything to her, when I'm really hurt and upset and I see her going on all her fancy holidays with her fancy job, yes sometimes I'd love to see that reputation burn.   People say that people with BPD suffer more than enough... I'm sure that the low functioning ones do, I'm not convinced the HFs do much at all.

At the end of the day I cling to the fact we were friends 9 years before dating, that's the thing that holds me back from pressing on with any kind of 'revenge' and steers me more to hope she gets help., but on certain days that train of thought can get severely tested, its those days I'm especially thankful for this board.