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Author Topic: Feel completely broken because I still love her.  (Read 520 times)
PearlPark

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« on: June 14, 2018, 11:40:06 AM »

Hi there.

My story is a long one so I shall start with the small details first.
We were together for 4 years with only one breakup before the last one. We were in a long distance relationship and had only met physically for a total of 4 months during our relationship. She isn't diagnosed with BPD, but it has become obvious after our breakup that she may definitely have it.

So this entire saga begun last year. For the first time I brought her back to my home city and it was easily the best time of my life. Getting to experience all these new things with her and I can't think of a time when I was happier. When she had to leave for home, it really broke both of our hearts. It was hard on both of us. A couple of weeks into her getting back home is when the trouble began. She started showing signs of a serious illness. Non stop migraines for a week, losing vision in her eyes and constant pressure in her skull. It took over a month to finally see someone for answers and they weren't good. It was either a brain tumour in her skull or something that would be manageable. It was extremely stressful and I felt useless being on the other side of the planet, unable to do anything. I tried hard to support her, but I was dealing with my own demons and stresses.

Admittedly I regret a lot of what I did last year, my behaviour was inconsiderate, thoughtless and selfish. However after the breakup I was diagnosed with Anxiety depressive disorder. The doctor who's known me since childhood, believes that I've had this for a very long time. I've been taking medication since then and I am getting much better. When we broke up, I initially blamed myself for all of it, thinking very little of myself. My ex also blamed me for all of it, only saying that her fault was being an enabler of my bad habits/flaws.

I couldn't stop blaming myself, questioning my actions. We kept talking for months afterwards. We both initiated the conversations, with me being the most consistent initiator. About a month after our breakup, she met someone else that she started having a relationship with about a month after meeting him (the same time between us meeting and us becoming a couple). He was diagnosed with BPD and lived 4 hours away from where she lived. I didn't particularly wanted to know about him, but she told me things about him and such. I wasn't in a state of mind to have the strength to stop myself from asking questions, but I kept those conversations alive. She told me intimate details about him, like how he's like, how big he is. Stuff that really hurt me to the core and looking back I wondered why she told me all of it. She said to me once that she was just so used to telling me everything and I think that's just a cop out. It was like talking to two people sometimes, there would be the girl I fell in love with and then this monster of a person that was incredibly cruel. Our last verbal conversation on skype she made a noise which I jokingly stated "what was that? sounded like an orgasm" to which she replied "HA, you really don't know what that sounds like". That hurt me to the very core.

The relationship with this guy didn't last more than a 2 months. She made the decision to break up with him, because she knew he wasn't right for her. But she just kept going back to him over the few weeks. Her best friend was getting sick of her behaviour with this guy, telling her at one point "I'm getting tired of your bull___ and I'm in half a mind to walk away".

We kept talking through late Feb and early march. I was there, messaging her on FB, consoling her. I thought that's what she needed, because I still loved her. She was much kinder and warm, as she wallowed in her self despair and sadness. It took her until April to find someone else. This time I was on medication and it had given me the clarity and strength to avoid contacting her. She mentioned that the boy no.2 had stayed the night and I knew it was going to happen. I was afraid that when she mentioned 3 weeks before, that it would just be a cycle for her. Rinse and repeat, never getting better, just putting a band aid over a gaping wound.

So I reduced my contact, never initiating the conversations. This seemed to sadden her, at one point asking me outright if I was ok. When she only got the notification I had read without responding, she got annoyed. To placate her I told her I needed space and time. Her response was what seemed like a terse good luck.

We go another few weeks without talking when about a week ago she messages me about why my friends and family have suddenly unfriended her and blocked her. I knew of some of them, my nana for one saw me go through the first week of medication which was a very rough ride. A friend of mine did so because she never met her in the first place and wanted to show support to me. The rest I assume just followed the normal procedure of unfriending someone that is no longer connected to their life through me. To her she simple saw that as everyone abandoning her. Her words were that I had turned them against me "Not saying anything or explaining things how they are is the same as talking negatively."

She said her goodbye, stated that she wanted to be my friend, but saw that it's no longer possible. I replied with a mature and sincere message that I was saddened we no longer could be. Telling her that this entire thing had destroyed me, but that I was getting help and getting better. Explaining that I simply couldn't talk to her because I only knew how to talk to her as my best friend and partner.

Out of this large paragraph, she took only one thing away from it. I had said that she had abandoned me. She switched instantly, saying that she had lost all pity or regret she may have had for me. Throughout our relationship, whenever we had a fight, she always told me that I had always made her the villain and me the victim. I know I didn't do this intentionally, but at the same time I understand that my anxiety can lead me to have pity parties. However there were times where she overreacted to my failures, my mistakes. I can't say for certain, but it felt like she was always trying to justify her reaction and saying I made her the villain was her guilt for overreacting. I'm not entirely sure.

The ensuing days she posted a large wall of text on her blog, with every line starting with I hate you followed by a different reason.
What's prompted me to start talking here is another post where she reblogged something I had posted on my blog that she found insulting. this was this morning and the post was 'I’d always say, “I love you more” and even though you’d always say, “Not a chance,” I was right all along'


Her response on her blog was as follows.    

“Not a chance” was right all along because you never loved me more. You only pretend to love me when I’m gone. You didn’t love me when I was dying, you didn’t love me when I begged you to, you didn’t love me when you said you did.
___ you, you egotistical, victim shaming, delusional ass. Damn you to hell honestly.

#I ___ing hate you#you're next to xxxxx on the list#I can't ___ing believe you actually think this ___ is true#you're literally delusional and ridiculously stuck on yourself#so glad I got away from you and I thank god for letting me see who you really are before I made the mistake of marrying your psychotic ass

xxxxx is her father who is indeed an evil man. He has been diagnosed with BPD and since my ex has had a traumatic upbringing, only strengthens my beliefs that she may have it too.

The last message she sent me was 9 hours ago after my posts were continuing to publish on my blog  

"I'm sick and tired of seeing your backwards ass posts.  You're never gonna change, you'll always make yourself the victim and everyone else the monster.  I can't ___ing take it anymore.  
Next time you wanna say that I left, remember that I was the one ___ing dying in a hospital bed and you left for video games.
___ you and may all your bacon burn.  
Delete me, block me, erase me from your memory."

It really hurts me that she simply doesn't get how I feel. That she equates me to her father, that she said that I pretend to love her. That I only pretend to be broken because of her and even pretend to be broken in the first place. She blocked me on most of her social media accounts which I think is a good thing for my own wellbeing, but it just breaks my heart. I know she isn't in a good headspace, I know she isn't happy, but I also know that she isn't my responsibility nor is it a wise idea for me to continue to think upon her. For my own mental wellbeing I need to move on and avoid any and all contact with her.

I just feel completely broken because I still love her
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Harley Quinn
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« Reply #1 on: June 14, 2018, 04:11:30 PM »

Hi PearlPark and Welcome

You've come to the right place.  We're all here to work on detaching and healing for our own wellbeing and can understand your feelings.  It sounds like you've come to the conclusion that this r/s has been unhealthy for you and you wish to put it behind you.  What steps have you taken/do you plan to take towards being active in that? 

How are you doing on your medication at present?  Is it helping you to cope with difficult feelings?  Unfortunately, there are a great deal of emotions that come up through this process, but the good news is that it does get better and we are here to support you as you work towards moving forwards from this.  I can recommend that you take a look at the articles and lessons to the right of the screen as a good starting point.  Also, I'd advise you to join others' threads as the collective experience and wisdom on the board is tremendous.  There is much to be learned here.  Stick around, it helps.

Love and light x 
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PearlPark

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« Reply #2 on: June 15, 2018, 08:42:45 AM »

Hi Harley
It's nice to meet you  Smiling (click to insert in post)


What steps have you taken/do you plan to take towards being active in that? 

I've already have her social media accounts blocked. She unfriended me on FB 2 weeks ago and only recently blocked me on instagram and tumblr. She did so to inflict a lot of pain to me. I've finished blocking the rest as I've felt that it would probably continue. Some of her belongings I've already sent back to her, I've stored away the rest of her things in storage for now. Most of my presents she's given to me do indeed have that connection, but I see them more as mine. I've deleted a lot of images of us off from online sites and untagged myself. There are probably many more steps to take, but I've taken these so far.

How are you doing on your medication at present?  Is it helping you to cope with difficult feelings? 

What the medication has helped with most is dealing with my anxiety attacks, my rationality and clarity of thinking. I've never in my life have had such consistent clear headed thinking. When the breakup initially occurred I was a wreck, I blamed myself for all of it and I punished myself. I kept talking to her even though it was painful, because I felt like I deserved it. Now after taking the meds for some time now, I've come to the realisation that it wasn't entirely my fault. That she played as much of a part in our r/s failing. Other effects are that I no longer fully hate myself as a whole, but just parts of me. I don't have frequent dark thoughts of suicide or death. It still lingers but it isn't as potent or strong. I no longer whisper under my breath I want to die. I still have bouts of sadness, but instead of crying every day, I probably have a small moments of that hollow feeling inside your chest. Moments where I miss her dreadfully, but no tears come to my face.


I thank you very much for your encouragement and I've been working hard to get to where I am right now. It's been difficult to move past all the pain she has caused me. I don't hate her, I simply want whats best for her. She needs help and it breaks my heart to see her just continue this cycle.

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Harley Quinn
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« Reply #3 on: June 16, 2018, 03:34:42 AM »

I'm so sorry to hear that you had reached the point of feeling like taking your own life.  Depression and pain can lead us to those dark places and you are not alone in having gotten to that place.  It's wonderful news that the medication is helping with that.  I also found that I had more clarity of thought with medication.  Do you have the support of a counsellor or other therapist?  What about friends and / or family you can speak to?  I hope that you will reach out for help if you feel you are headed in that direction again.  Many of us here can understand what that is like and we are here for you. 

Excerpt
I don't hate her, I simply want whats best for her. She needs help and it breaks my heart to see her just continue this cycle.

I can relate to that.  What I realised after all my attempts to rescue and help my ex was that only the individual can choose to seek and accept help in their own time.  Until then there is little that anyone else can do, as tragic as that is.  Her angry words on your blog are a reflection of the pain she is feeling inside and in some ways, her cycle is a positive in that eventually she may see it for what it is and come to understand the damage she does for herself and others.  That might just some day cause her to seek the help she needs. 

Right now, I'd urge you to help yourself in every way possible.  If you're not seeing a professional to help you work with your diagnosis and process your recent experience in this r/s then it would be a good idea to arrange that for yourself.  A large number of us are in therapy and find it helps a great deal.  A BPD break up is like no other.  Enlist the support of others and connect with people who love you and in turn make you feel lovable.  Post here as much as you need - we all keep one another going and you'll find that we're all in different stages of detaching and healing, so you can see that things do get better.  There is life after BPD.  What do you plan to do about posting on your blog if she is retaliating there?  What can you do to protect yourself emotionally?

Love and light x



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PearlPark

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« Reply #4 on: June 16, 2018, 09:45:15 AM »

I've been seeing a therapist since just before the breakup. September was when our relationship basically fell apart and she distanced herself from me completely. On Skype, her camera was only on in 4 seperate occasions between september and the breakup in november, she would respond to 'I miss you' with 'I miss what we used to be' and the same with 'I love you'. I wasn't allowed to call her honey anymore. The closer we got to the day, it was like she was backtracking slowly away.

I had tried to see my therapist during the mid-year as I realised I wasn't doing so well with all the stress of everything. I however got too busy to see him regularly. I started seeing him consistently since mid October. I saw him weekly until around late march where we've switched to fortnightly. My doctor I see monthly to check on how my medication is impacting me, ensuring it's doing it's job. It's also another space to unload all of my stress, thoughts and problems with the breakup. My doctor has helped me understand many things about BPD, especially as he's known me since I was 9.

My family have been incredibly supportive, all of them have helped in their own way. There has been some frustration as at times it feels as they quite don't understand, but sometimes it's just that I'm not quite far enough away from my situation to see the full picture.

I don't have a lot of friends. I probably have one close-ish friend who has been through some rough spots with me. Last time I saw her she told me that she was counting how long it would take me to bring up my ex. Usually I start conversations talking about her and any new drama. This time I surprised her by consciously realising that I do that and holding back. I didn't bring her up until two hours into us hanging out. She also mentioned that I seemed much more relaxed, peppy and vibrant. I admit it was fun to feel that way after so much weight dragging me down.

As in terms of contact, she unfollowed my instagram and tumblr accounts and blocked me. I've blocked her from other social media accounts as she failed to do so on twitter, facebook (she only unfriended me), pintrest and skype.

I get the feeling all of this is just her trying to cause me pain. Feels like she's doing it for show too.
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Harley Quinn
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« Reply #5 on: June 16, 2018, 10:40:20 AM »

So does she no longer have any way to vent towards you now, as you described above?  That has to hurt and hold you back somewhat I'd imagine. 

It's great to hear that you're surrounding yourself with people who can be supportive.  We can sometimes find that family and friends struggle understanding the intensity of a r/s and breakup like this if they don't have experience of a pwBPD in their lives themselves.  I'd suggest if that's the case, then (as it sounds like you have begun to do with the friend) try to just enjoy spending time with them doing other things and connecting.  This still goes a long way to help you in your recovery. 

Are there any hobbies and or interests that you dropped or failed to commence during the r/s?  Now is a good time to begin thinking about building in things that you can fully focus on and be present with.  I harp on about mindfulness as I'm a big advocate, and for those who don't wish to meditate, the benefits of getting into the here and now can still be reaped from doing activities we enjoy and apply ourselves fully to.  That's why hobbies are so beneficial.  When we are engaged in something that requires focus on what we're doing, we are taken out of dwelling on the past or worries about the future.  It helps to prevent ruminating.  Catch yourself on the upswing and focus on your self care now, then if and when you find yourself having stumbling blocks you will be in good habits that can support you through those times.  As can we.  It's great that you reached out here. 

Love and light x   
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PearlPark

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« Reply #6 on: June 16, 2018, 11:12:47 AM »

So does she no longer have any way to vent towards you now, as you described above?  That has to hurt and hold you back somewhat I'd imagine. 

She could use her mothers or sister's account on any social media to vent at me. It certainly did when the venting was more subtle and passive aggressive. It always came out of nowhere and blindsided me. This happened during the r/s and this behaviour was even worse after. Now with the open hostile words, it hurts really bad initially for about an hour or two. Then the pain fades into other emotions, like anger, frustration, pity and sorrow. But as well I can see what she's actually saying rather than what she is. It feels very much like I've held up a mirror and she sees what I've started to see. Instead of accepting it, she projects all those emotions onto me, that I'm the bad guy.

Are there any hobbies and or interests that you dropped or failed to commence during the r/s?
There are certainly many things I've been holding back on. Like buying a new PC for gaming. Learning how to fly a plane. I've been so couped up that I'm really not sure where to begin. I've been focusing mainly on healing, but I've found cooking, particularly cakes, desserts and sweets, to be my most creative outlet recently.
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« Reply #7 on: June 16, 2018, 12:13:16 PM »

What is your contingency management for the scenario that she could unblock you eventually, phone or contact you again trying to reconcile and just dismissing what has happened as "feelings at the time".

Id advise if not already, being prepared to think of how you might feel or what youd like to achieve, rather than to have it happen out of the blue especially when you are already in a vulnerable and hurting phase.
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pearlsw
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« Reply #8 on: June 16, 2018, 06:30:41 PM »

What the medication has helped with most is dealing with my anxiety attacks, my rationality and clarity of thinking. I've never in my life have had such consistent clear headed thinking. When the breakup initially occurred I was a wreck, I blamed myself for all of it and I punished myself. I kept talking to her even though it was painful, because I felt like I deserved it. Now after taking the meds for some time now, I've come to the realisation that it wasn't entirely my fault. That she played as much of a part in our r/s failing. Other effects are that I no longer fully hate myself as a whole, but just parts of me. I don't have frequent dark thoughts of suicide or death. It still lingers but it isn't as potent or strong. I no longer whisper under my breath I want to die. I still have bouts of sadness, but instead of crying every day, I probably have a small moments of that hollow feeling inside your chest. Moments where I miss her dreadfully, but no tears come to my face.


Hi PearlPark,

Just wanted to drop by to offer you some support with this painful breakup!

I’ve always tended to take breakups pretty hard, and have probably stayed relationships well past their expiration date because the pain of breakups is so enormous, I’d do nearly anything to avoid it. But breakups do happen. I can relate to the extreme feelings of despair afterwards, and wishing away my life.

When you say you hate parts of yourself what do you mean exactly? What parts?

with deep compassion. pearl.
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PearlPark

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« Reply #9 on: June 17, 2018, 02:28:03 AM »

What is your contingency management for the scenario that she could unblock you eventually, phone or contact you again trying to reconcile and just dismissing what has happened as "feelings at the time".

I don't really have a contingency plan in case of such an occurrence. I'll admit a part of me hopes that one day we get back together and is probably why I struggled for so long to get to a point to actually block her. If it happens, I think it I'll continue to keep my stance on 'no contact' until I'm in either a much better place. It would be preferable as well that she was getting help.


When you say you hate parts of yourself what do you mean exactly? What parts?


I was stating there was a point where there wasn't a single part of me I liked. I hated every aspect of myself. Now I don't hate myself as a whole, just parts of me. Aspects of me that I know need improvement. And the state of mind I'm currently in, I'm in a better place to actually do something about it. Such as I need to find a job in my industry of choice (photography). I need to lose weight, because I'm not happy with the way I look physically and I don't like the feeling of being out of breath from climbing a big staircase.

I do have a question for you guys. Is it typical behaviour for someone with BPD to go back to old friendships. Two people cut contact from her. One was last year and the other late 2016. I noticed a week ago that she has spent time with them recently. Like almost nothing has happened and that what they did was erased from history. (mind you now that I suspect that she has BPD, I'm not sure if I can believe exactly what she told me they did.)
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Harley Quinn
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« Reply #10 on: June 17, 2018, 06:10:59 AM »

Yes this is common behaviour.  A pwBPD will recycle relationships, especially around the time of losing one attachment as the sufferer will feel the urge to have someone to attach to.  This happens with those they are closest to, so friends, family and lovers.  I saw my ex reach out to family members he'd cut out of his life for years when he knew our r/s was coming to a close. 

Many of the members on this board have experience of recycles or attempts to recycle the r/s.  We have a good workshop on recycling and why this happens, which you can read in full HERE

The interesting part I find is the reasons that this happens, which would appear to apply to any close r/s including friendship in my view.

Excerpt
It is hard for us to understand why our partner is expressing an interest after they left in a torrent of bad behavior (e.g., cheating, raging and telling us that we are a horrible people).  "If they don't love me, why this?"  The answer is much of the same reasons as we have... .plus a few others that are related to the disorder.
 
Inability to deal with acute loneliness

Severe insecurity / needing validation (from someone that highly values them)

Shame / wanting to prove they are a good person (to us or themselves)

Immaturity/Manipulation/Control - the break-up was just a way to get their way.

Others may have views and personal experiences they wish to add.

Love and light x



 
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PearlPark

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« Reply #11 on: June 17, 2018, 07:41:58 AM »

Thank you for the answer Harley.

It's been interesting discovering BPD and how it has lined up with a lot of behaviour. Initially, before I was medicated, I thought I may have it. My ex told me about it when she was talking about her first BF after me. Apparently he has been diagnosed with BPD and was trying to manage it with medication and therapy. Because I was also around after that breakup, I do believe that it's true.

But the part that I laugh at is where she had the audacity to tell me I probably have it too, when we went through this crappy list of symptoms. It was no where near as comprehensive as this site. The next day I was fortunate to see my therapist who I asked if I could get tested. He kind of gave me this smile that said I had asked something naive. He told me straight up that I did not in fact have it. I insisted why he believed so and he simply answered "because my specialty is BPD. If you had it, I would definitely know"

This whole time we've been together she has continually been projecting onto me. I've been this mirror to her, where she sees all her flaws. Rather than accept it, she just blames me for holding the mirror, that what she sees isn't herself, but me. The only reason I think she exploded at me with all those hurtful words of 'I hate you' is because I pointed at the mirror and said "I can see this now" (metaphorically speaking)
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PearlPark

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« Reply #12 on: June 18, 2018, 10:45:02 AM »

I'm a little bit lost to be honest. I felt like we were going to last for the rest of our lives, she made me feel so special. She made me feel so loved, this warmth that wraps around me like a blanket. I know that I made mistakes and I take responsibility for my actions, but I thought if you love someone, you try to work through the problems.

Then after all this I just feel so used. I admittedly compare myself to the new guys in her life and even though I believe that they're a downgrade, it still hurts a lot. Seeing the photos of her on instagram, you can tell that the last time she genuinely smiled was when it was with me. Like the happiness radiated out from her. Now every smile seems fake, putting on a show.

I don't know. I just really miss her. With the things she said to me recently have affected me more than I readily admit. I know that this is the disorder speaking and not her, but to remember how she looked at me and then see those hurtful words. To experience everything she's put me through these past months. Showing me a picture of her and the 1st guy. Talking non stop about all the things he said to her, how he's the sweetest thing ever. all this bull___ that has caused me nothing but pain. This isn't the person I fell in love with.

It breaks my heart to know that she will continue on this path of pain. I had really hoped we would spend the rest of our lives together
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Harley Quinn
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« Reply #13 on: June 20, 2018, 05:26:33 PM »

It really hurts to lose that dream you've built with someone you love.    We know how much.  I'm sorry that you have to go through this.  How are you coping with the feelings?  What's your mood like?

Love and light x 
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« Reply #14 on: June 20, 2018, 07:19:27 PM »

Hey PearlPark,

Your story sounds oh so familiar to mine... I can relate to your pain so so much. It's extremely difficult to try and 'understand' the behaviour of a pw BPD.
It's been almost 4 years since my breakup and I'm still trying to cope every sing le day.
You're not alone, and this is a great place with so many people to help you cope.
Stay strong buddy!
I also sent you a PM, hit me up anytime when you need someone to talk to.
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PearlPark

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« Reply #15 on: June 21, 2018, 04:23:15 AM »

How are you coping with the feelings?  What's your mood like?

Thank you Harley.  

I've been taking steps towards healing and moving on with my life. It's just been a hard couple of weeks as it honestly feels like she can't let go of me. She's already moved on, relationship wise, but it honestly feels like she's just replacing everything she walked away from. Reading those messages of hate was really hurtful. It saddens me that this is how things turned out.

I just hope that one day she will get the help she desperately needs. I also hope that she'll look back at all of this and realise how much damage she is responsible for, rather than blaming me for all of it.

I'll admit I've had a good day today. Spent some time out in an outlying suburb of my city in the morning. It was very magical hearing the birds sing, the aromas in the air as I drove by and how the light of the sun was hitting the hills and trees. It was beautiful and I felt almost at peace. Even though it was about 7 degrees C outside (44.6F), feeling the rush of air on my face was worth the chilling bite of it. I live in a suburban area that isn't close to country like this one is and I was there for a recent job in my industry. I haven't worked in the industry of photography so it was exciting and fulfilling to be finally able to do some work that I actually enjoy.

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« Reply #16 on: June 21, 2018, 02:07:08 PM »

Bb, that's all great to read!  You're being mindful and present, enjoying the here and now, as well as focusing on doing what you enjoy in a work capacity.  That is really positive.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

It seems a shame to return to the topic of your ex partner, but in response to your post I shall briefly offer up an article which was very helpful to me when I first arrived here.  This allowed me to comprehend more about the dynamic at play in my r/s and accept the inevitability of the way things developed.  I'll let you read yourself, (tip - read when you have questions, not when you are feeling at peace!) and here's an exerpt to give you a flavour:

Excerpt
A common and very confusing failure pattern of relationship instability is described in this article. A relationship can present with this characteristic failure pattern over time. This pattern may take months or even years to evolve. The phases are typically not completely successive -- there are typically cycles of forward and backward movement between phases.

You'll find the rest of the article here:

How a Borderline Relationship Evolves

Can you plan more visits to nature in your free time?  As well as photography, what do you love to do or would you like to try out?

Love and light x

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« Reply #17 on: June 22, 2018, 12:38:38 AM »

Thanks Harley, I have indeed made an effort to focus on these moments when they come around. I tend to be quite introverted, which also means that I prefer staying at home. I've found although that staying at home, particularly in my bedroom, to only help prolong these awful feelings. Ruminating on the thoughts of what could be, all the questions surrounding her and feeling like I wasn't good enough

So having that feeling was definitely a great uplifting experience. I also felt hopeful, thinking positive things in my head during those times. "Somewhere out there, there is a person that is meant for me. She may not be meant for me right now, but she is out there. Everything happens for a reason, mostly in ways we can never understand. One day she will come, she may be a complete stranger to you or someone you know." It helped to keep thinking like that. Even though I do still have that wish of her coming back, I know and feel that if it's meant to be, love will find me from whoever I'm meant to be with.

Can you plan more visits to nature in your free time?  As well as photography, what do you love to do or would you like to try out?

I do plan on spending more time out in these areas doing some photography. But mostly I've found it to be so refreshing to be out in these environments. I live in Australia and some of the bushland here, especially in the cool temperate rainforests, it feels like I'm stepping back in time. Where I live we have a lot of rainforests that are mostly full of fern trees that many are incredibly old. It feels like I've gone back to when the dinosaurs were around   Smiling (click to insert in post)

As to what type of photography I enjoy, I tend to gravitate to landscape, architecture and street/urban photography. I enjoy capturing candid shots that are difficult to capture. Fleeting moments that won't be recreated in time. In terms of a job, I haven't explored much of it yet to really figure out what I would enjoy in the industry.
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« Reply #18 on: June 22, 2018, 01:40:11 AM »

I do have a question about this particularly behaviour. I'm not sure how to categorise it so some clarity would be helpful. These messages occurred around the time I started to realise that talking to her was more painful than it was enjoyable. I needed space and time for myself to heal, seeing as continuing to talk to her wasn't doing me any favours.

This starts with me ignoring her messages for about a week now.


23 APRIL 04:53
You don't have to have a conversation with me or anything.  I'm just havin a heckin concern cause it's unlike you to do this.
Just let me know you're okay at least.  If you're trying to distance from me I get it, just don't want you to be alone if you need someone.

23 APRIL 16:18
Okay, seriously.

Me:I'm fine

Considering you've gone nearly a week ignoring me, I doubt that

27 APRIL 08:36
Hey
28 APRIL 01:41
Me: Hey
*gasps* he speaks

1 MAY 01:51
I am severely confused as to why I was suddenly cut off like a stranger.  Could I please get an explanation of some sort?

Me:I'm going through a rough patch at the moment. I need time and space at the right now because I'm trying to get my life on track. I'm making strides in making improvements, but recovery isn't a smooth ride. I'm really focusing on myself right now and I'm sorry that I haven't been around.

1 MAY 14:16
Okay. Thank you for telling me.  Good luck and I wish you the best.

She then doesn't message me for about a month until she asks me if I'd like to send a message to a famous youtuber that we both love, as she was going to go see him live. She promised not to read it, but I said no. Then it was within a week of this that she just flew off the handle, blaming me that all of my friends and family had unfriended her and 'blocked' her.

During these brief conversations, she was already starting to attach herself to her current BF, so why was she continuing to come back and talk to me. Was she struggling to let go of me and move on? Is it that she was afraid that if no one would come along, she would still have me?

I'm really not sure, any opinions on this specific behaviour would be appreciated. 
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« Reply #19 on: June 22, 2018, 06:43:35 AM »

I do have a question about this particularly behaviour. I'm not sure how to categorise it so some clarity would be helpful. These messages occurred around the time I started to realise that talking to her was more painful than it was enjoyable. I needed space and time for myself to heal, seeing as continuing to talk to her wasn't doing me any favours.

This starts with me ignoring her messages for about a week now.


23 APRIL 04:53
You don't have to have a conversation with me or anything.  I'm just havin a heckin concern cause it's unlike you to do this.
Just let me know you're okay at least.  If you're trying to distance from me I get it, just don't want you to be alone if you need someone.

23 APRIL 16:18
Okay, seriously.

Me:I'm fine

Considering you've gone nearly a week ignoring me, I doubt that

27 APRIL 08:36
Hey
28 APRIL 01:41
Me: Hey
*gasps* he speaks

1 MAY 01:51
I am severely confused as to why I was suddenly cut off like a stranger.  Could I please get an explanation of some sort?

Me:I'm going through a rough patch at the moment. I need time and space at the right now because I'm trying to get my life on track. I'm making strides in making improvements, but recovery isn't a smooth ride. I'm really focusing on myself right now and I'm sorry that I haven't been around.

1 MAY 14:16
Okay. Thank you for telling me.  Good luck and I wish you the best.

She then doesn't message me for about a month until she asks me if I'd like to send a message to a famous youtuber that we both love, as she was going to go see him live. She promised not to read it, but I said no. Then it was within a week of this that she just flew off the handle, blaming me that all of my friends and family had unfriended her and 'blocked' her.

During these brief conversations, she was already starting to attach herself to her current BF, so why was she continuing to come back and talk to me. Was she struggling to let go of me and move on? Is it that she was afraid that if no one would come along, she would still have me?

I'm really not sure, any opinions on this specific behaviour would be appreciated. 

Hello pearlpark,
I’ve read your whole story and I must say there are a lot of aspects similar to mine,and I’m sure you’ve read the stories on here and see similarities with yours .I also understand exactly how you feel right now  emotionally.Im sure you are confused because she keeps reaching out to you in good & bad  ways .Most likely you are asking yourself does she love me?did she? Does she want me back ? Do I want her back if we could go back to the beginning? All perfectly normal questions/feelings and as you rewatch and replay the memory tapes all of this is exhausting mentally isn’t it? All of us on this site have been there and done this (or doing this) as we speak so you are in the correct place to start healing.
As you have read and learnt about BPD I’m pretty sure some questions were answered and some new ones popped up.I can tell by your last post as you analyzed her texts to you,you are still unsure where to go from here.Because I’ve been where you are exactly right now I’m sure you may be thinking I love her but I now know I can’t sustain a real relationship with her ,so I’ll try keeping her in my life as a friend.Well although later on that can surely be an option if she wants the same ,but right now from those text responses it seems unhealthy for you to continue.You see pearlpark if she really has BPD there is one constant non variable all people with BPD have regardless of the stories ,or to what extreme they have BPD ... .and that is ,”it is always about them”.Now don’t get me wrong here , she most likely had a great time and liked or loved you at the beginning and in her mind she really did .But it was to fill a void of emotional high she required which is an endless black hole for them.They suffer greatly ,daily ,hourly,with these feelings and without substantial treatment they always will.How does this pertain to you and your situation? Well it’s not your job or your place to try and fix/comfort them ,especially if you love them and they know it.Look how it’s take it’s toll on you,and if you read other stories here everyone of us has taken and emotional beating.You are doing all the right things ,therapy,talking about it, getting back to doing the things you loved doing before.There is just one thing left and this is solely my opinion but I will tell you it because it took this for me to start healing... .I went NC for a month minimum.By doing this I was able to let her go, and I don’t mean let her go forever in my life.I mean I was able to let the idea go that it is impossible to have a relationship with her,I let go of the idea of being with her physically as well ,and I let go of the idea of trying to be best or good friends.I did those things for my own mental sanity , and my physical health.By doing the NC it gives your mind the time it needs to reflect back on what she did wrong and what you did wrong.It allows you the time (especially with the help of a therapist) to find your weaknesses, find out why you have them ,then work on fixing them.By doing this you will better yourself enough to not accept certain behaviors but most importantly it will all you to accept and understand hers.Not in a “ let’s rekindle this relationship way” but more a “ I get it now,she’s ill and it’s not her fault,it’s ok now I’m not angry or vengeful at her”.It will allow you to no longer ask all those “why” or “what if” questions about her , because you won’t need to anymore .
In final as hard as it will be to do I suggest for the betterment of both yourself and this woman you are in love with , take a break from this.Focus 100% on yourself and how to make yourself come out of this smarter , with new tools to cope with life in general not just in a relationship.This is a huge learning experience on what to look for in people in the future ,on what you do and don’t want in a partner and most importantly you will learn where you’re weaknesses are and how to strengthen them .I hope this helps ,as sad as it maybe to read messages from someone about “why aren’t you talking to me,I miss you” etc etc... .You got to stay strong and work on yourself ,you will be doing yourself and her a huge favor.Shes gotten by and survived this long on her own she will be fine .
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« Reply #20 on: June 22, 2018, 08:13:15 AM »

Thank you for the response Shawnlam

I have indeed been in NC with her for some time. It's just some things still plague my mind. Like I don't hate her at all and I've already gone through that phase of being angry with her. I'm at the stage where I know whats going on, but there are differences between what I've read and what I've experienced. I'm sure not everyone single pwBPD shows the exact same thing and all behaves differently. I feel that I'm just struggling to come to terms with the idea that maybe she didn't actually love me the way I loved her. It doesn't feel like that's the truth, but from what I've read it maybe possible that what she felt wasn't the form of love we're used to seeing.

I think I also wanted to compare notes with how others have experienced their r/s with pwBPD. My T has told me that he believes that out of the two of us, she is the one really struggling to let go and that because I'm trying to move on, she's acting out to hurt me (See OP to see the messages she left me and on her blog. these were after above FB messages.) Seeing how shes behaved over the past 6 months with me, her new BF's and her friends, it all strikes me as abnormal for her. Like the way she talked about her BF's, how she looks in photos with them, how she looks in photos in general. It just all screams to me that she's unhappy and a part of me is feeding off of it saying "she misses you, she does love you". I know that this isn't helping me and I have the ability to acknowledge that now, the trick is to stop doing it. I think it's just hard because there was a period where it was normal. None of the idealisation or anything, it actually felt like a normal relationship. The only time it did was when we were physically together. It was like her BPD tendencies disappeared, only to flare up rarely.

Anyway, I haven't directly messaged her for about 3 weeks now. Before then, I've kept contact pretty minimal since late March.
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« Reply #21 on: June 22, 2018, 08:37:13 AM »

Thank you for the response Shawnlam

I have indeed been in NC with her for some time. It's just some things still plague my mind. Like I don't hate her at all and I've already gone through that phase of being angry with her. I'm at the stage where I know whats going on, but there are differences between what I've read and what I've experienced. I'm sure not everyone single pwBPD shows the exact same thing and all behaves differently. I feel that I'm just struggling to come to terms with the idea that maybe she didn't actually love me the way I loved her. It doesn't feel like that's the truth, but from what I've read it maybe possible that what she felt wasn't the form of love we're used to seeing.

I think I also wanted to compare notes with how others have experienced their r/s with pwBPD. My T has told me that he believes that out of the two of us, she is the one really struggling to let go and that because I'm trying to move on, she's acting out to hurt me (See OP to see the messages she left me and on her blog. these were after above FB messages.) Seeing how shes behaved over the past 6 months with me, her new BF's and her friends, it all strikes me as abnormal for her. Like the way she talked about her BF's, how she looks in photos with them, how she looks in photos in general. It just all screams to me that she's unhappy and a part of me is feeding off of it saying "she misses you, she does love you". I know that this isn't helping me and I have the ability to acknowledge that now, the trick is to stop doing it. I think it's just hard because there was a period where it was normal. None of the idealisation or anything, it actually felt like a normal relationship. The only time it did was when we were physically together. It was like her BPD tendencies disappeared, only to flare up rarely.

Anyway, I haven't directly messaged her for about 3 weeks now. Before then, I've kept contact pretty minimal since late March.

All your questions are perfectly normal and if I may I’ll help you understand them better.
For the part about her hurting you on purpose (smear campaign or insults).You have to remember that people who have BPD have the emotionally intelligence of a child.They never matured with the tools me and you had acquired in early childhood.Tantrums and outbursts can be their way of getting their point across or their vengeful manners to get back for an injustice they believe happened to them(even if it didn’t).Frankly look at it with pity and compassion more than anger and vengeance it will be easier to deal with.In many ways it’s sad to read or hear when you understand the source and the issues they are going through.As examples so you aren’t alone her my exGF said a few things similar Ex: you never get mad at me you have no balls , it always has to be YOUR way doesn’t it! ( was never my way), and this list goes on and on.Today I see it as a child reaching out in anger , it’s ok today when I think of those moments , if I’d of know then what I know now I’d never have gotten angry or confused.
As for did she ever love you, the answer is probably yes .But did she love you like you love her ? The answer is no if she does have BPD because they are not capable of sustaining love .The best example I’ll use is a toy analogy .When the child gets a new toy they love it more than anything ,they play with it constantly until boredom insues.Then they toss it under the bed and they get new one and start the process all over again.When they get bored again and decide to clean their room and find the old toy under the bed they forgot ,ohh wow I forgot about you let’s play again,but it runs it’s course faster because they have been their and done that.
Don’t be mad or angry or confused ,best to feel compassion and caring for them and in some ways pity.But in the short and long run ,care for yourself .
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« Reply #22 on: June 25, 2018, 05:17:23 AM »

I'll admit I relapsed today in checking her SM account on twitter. I rarely use it and I only got it in the first place to follow her. I checked it today and saw new retweets and likes that hurt me quite a bit. It's my own fault that I went looking, like a mosquito to one of those blue fly zappers.

The fact that she keeps referencing me in a negative way hurts a lot. I think that in my highs, I find it easier to ignore these kind of things. To either move past them or avoid them completely. In my mental lows, I still struggle to fight the urge to look and at times I feel like I deserve to be miserable. I'm not overly sure, but it hasn't been easy to fight them off.

Even though it hurts to read these things, it sometimes makes me laugh at how delusional she is.

This particular one hurts, but when I think objectively, it's actually funny that she thinks this way.

"i send my sympathy to x’s family & victims. not him. and i’m not really saying he deserved death either, but he was quite literally a whole abuser & violent homophobe and doesn’t get my prayers & sympathy"
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« Reply #23 on: June 26, 2018, 02:48:46 PM »

That had to be hard to read.  Do you think it is meant to let you know that you no longer exist to her?  If you're going to find things like this which hurt you, I think you know that you need to put a boundary on yourself.  What are you prepared to do so that you're unable to self sabotage when you're feeling low?  (Which of course is the worst time to inflict further pain upon yourself)  How is your mood right now?  Any dark thoughts? 

Love and light x
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« Reply #24 on: June 27, 2018, 12:38:28 AM »

You’ve gotta stop checking in on her, man. It just keeps you entrenched.

You’ve said you hope for reconciliation. Are you sure? I know you said that first year was great, but the rest sounds like Hell. Even if you did reconcile, you’re not going back to the heavenly part: you’d be going back to Hell.

I know, so many of us here know, how hard it is to let go of someone we love. You don’t need to stop loving her. You just need to stop letting her hurt you. I still love my ex, I always will, it’s just now a tragic “from-a-distance” kind of love.

Letting go was, and in fact continues to be, the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I still long for her. I still can’t imagine another woman whom I’d love as much. But my life with her was terrible. By every metric, my life is better now without her. Everyone tells me how much happier I seem now, and they’re right, I am. But still, I have to fight that longing to be with her, despite everything she’s put me through. Isn’t that crazy?

The thing that felt the worst to me was realizing there was a moment where I had to decide to give up. I am not a quitter. I am a problem solver, I am loyal, and I am stubborn as Hell. Giving up on someone who I love, my soulmate, seems like the last thing I’d do. Well, it was. I had tried everything else. There was nothing left to do.

No matter what I’d tried, things just got worse and worse. No one was gaining anything at this point, not me, and not her. I wasn’t helping her up, she was pulling me down. I gave her every opportunity to change, she didn’t. She wouldn’t. She won’t. It takes two people to make a relationship work, it only takes one to destroy it.

I realize now that not only am I not helping myself by remaining in contact with her, I am hurting her as well. As long as there is that line of contact, that channel she leaves open with every ex, she doesn’t fully have to grieve the loss of that relationship. It’s enough delusion for her to deny what she’s done. Mine still says I’m the man she’s going to marry someday. I’m not.

What kind of wife doesn’t try to save a marriage? Refuses, for years, to acknowledge the condition that’s destroying us? Yes, she is mentally ill. That’s not her fault, and doesn’t make her a bad person. If you’re an alcoholic, that doesn’t make you a bad person either. But when an alcoholic refuses to admit that they’re an alcoholic and lets it destroy their family rather than face their illness, in my book, it kind of does make them a bad person.

When a pwBPD chooses denial and self-delusion over their partner, the only choice left for their partner is to decide whether living like that is acceptable. For me, it’s not. Is it for you? Could you live like this forever? Some of the other members here have tried for decades, still would have stayed, and were abandoned by their BPD partner anyway. Many have kids in the mix. How fair is it to bring a child into this?

Only you can decide what is best for you, but I think you should seriously ask yourself why you’d be willing to endure this abuse. I’m not sure there are many healthy reasons why you might.

For the moment, it seems she’s made this decision for you anyway. Take advantage of that. Use the distance she’s forced upon you, distance you must endure anyway, and put it to good use. Persue your photography. Check out flying lessons. Get in shape. This last one seems like an especially great idea. Working out has become a cornerstone of my life since the breakup, and I can not recommend it highly enough.

Not only do I feel better every single time I exercise, there is photographic proof that I am capable of becoming the man I want to be, through sheer determination alone. It is incredibly empowering.

Think about what you want. Who do you want to be? Does she help you become that person?  From what you’ve said, I can’t imagine that’s so. You’ve got to be that person. No one else is going to complete you. You’ve got to do that on your own.


 
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« Reply #25 on: June 29, 2018, 09:32:33 AM »

That had to be hard to read.  Do you think it is meant to let you know that you no longer exist to her?  If you're going to find things like this which hurt you, I think you know that you need to put a boundary on yourself.  What are you prepared to do so that you're unable to self sabotage when you're feeling low?  (Which of course is the worst time to inflict further pain upon yourself)  How is your mood right now?  Any

Hey Harley

I don't think it was necessarily meant for me to read. It was just a tweet that she liked. The other tweet she liked that also brought my spirits down. "It's heartbreaking when all your favourite memories were made with people you longer talk to."

I feel that she is struggling to let go of me, even if she has moved on physically. There have been plenty of signs where it was obvious that she was struggling to let me go. This was the 'hate you, don't leave me' phase, where her resentment for me was obvious and hurtful. However she couldn't stop contacting me, still wanting to be friends, when her behaviour was being incredibly hurtful to me. 

I'm still trying to restrict myself from doing such things. I'm however am struggling to restrain myself, it's incredibly difficult. I've taken some steps towards ensuring that I don't seek out this pain, however I think it will take time to build up my self restraint.

Currently my mood is ok. I did have a anxiety attack today, which is something I haven't had for a while. I don't know what triggered it, there wasn't anything I did to cause it. In terms of my general mood, I've had a very productive week that's gotten me into high spirits.
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« Reply #26 on: June 29, 2018, 10:10:51 AM »

It's good to hear that your week has been productive and are feeling the benefit.  You seem to be on the right track when it comes to finding ways to nurture yourself.  If you can overcome the inclination to negatively trigger yourself then you will be well on the way to healing.  It's going to hurt and confuse - that's par for the course.  When you find yourself dwelling on these things can you recognise it and stop it in it's tracks?  What measure could you put into place to turn your attention to?  Make it something that is soothing for you.  What is always guaranteed to make you feel good - either energised or relaxed?  Could you have a friend intervene when you are finding yourself tempted to check in on her social media? 

Love and light x
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« Reply #27 on: July 01, 2018, 05:08:03 AM »

When you find yourself dwelling on these things can you recognise it and stop it in it's tracks?  What measure could you put into place to turn your attention to?  Make it something that is soothing for you.  What is always guaranteed to make you feel good - either energised or relaxed?  Could you have a friend intervene when you are finding yourself tempted to check in on her social media? 

Sometimes I can by distracting myself. I've found cooking to be an excellent release of all these pent up emotions. I do plan on starting an exercising regime, just got to change my mindset to be a lot more proactive.
I've even spent less time on the laptop, which is when that feeling of checking on her becomes the strongest.

I believe that I should try and spend more time out of the house, not just socialising, but also exploring my creative outlets, like my photography. I spend way too much time in my bedroom and my home for that matter.
I do have friends that could intervene, but I'm personally getting tired of always burdening them with everything. I've shovelled a lot of my emotions onto my friends, especially my closest friend. I'm tired of talking about it, even though it's constantly on my mind, especially when does something.

Like only now I read a message she sent me. She sent it to me via discord which she told me she had deleted last year before our breakup. Because the last straw that broke our relationship was through that social media platform, she asked how to delete the account. between Jan and April I sent messages to this account thinking that she would never use it again as it was deleted.
Although nothing hurtful was said, I think just the act of her messaging me was enough. A knot formed in my stomach just by seeing her sending me that message.
"Anything else you feel the dire need to say?"
I don't know why she felt the need to send anything really. Why can't she just leave me alone, why can't she just walk away.
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« Reply #28 on: July 09, 2018, 04:08:45 PM »

How are things going PearlPark since your last update to your thread?  I am wondering what you might have sent in your messages, thinking that she would never receive them?  I'm guessing that it was things you wouldn't say directly to her, as an outlet to vent maybe?

Love and light x
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We are stars wrapped in skin.  The light you are looking for has always been within.
PearlPark

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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 32


« Reply #29 on: July 13, 2018, 07:02:18 AM »

Hi Harley

I've been doing better mentally, but found myself hitting mental roadblocks. I'm just adjusting to living a life outside of studying full time.
I've been so focused on various things, my ex, my grandmother and fighting my mental illness, that I haven't really had a moment of quiet until recently.
It's kind of strange, like the eye in a hurricane, it's peaceful. The drawback is that I feel so exhausted, like I've been holding this all in and I've finally gotten to a point where I can just collapse.

In terms of what I sent her was just things I knew she didn't want to hear. Like saying I love you, I miss you, I want you back and other various things. It wasn't something I knew she wanted to deal with so I decided to vent those heartbroken feelings to an account she had deleted. But I guess she either deactivated it or this particular application allows you to undelete accounts.

When I finally got to a stage of being angry and wanting her to see how this is just as much her fault as mine, I went on with keeping NC. The only place where she can see how I feel is on my blog, where I never post my own words, just things that are relevant to how I feel and think. I had refrained previously from doing so until she posted how much she hated me, how much this was all my fault, blaming me for making her out to be a monster/villain. I had reached the end of my rope and started blogging how I felt.

I've never posted anything directly related to her in my own words. Only times I've written something has been expressing how I'm getting better, how I've changed a lot in my life, trying to keep a positive note.
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