Some examples of destructive behaviour he’s displaying may be black and white thinking such as deciding that he no longer wants to pay rent or work so he goes and sleeps on the streets.
He owns only 5-6 items of clothes that are often dirty and covered in paint. He has little interest in wearing clean clothes currently. But in saying that he will eventually come out of that cycle and then only want to wear new clothes that he loves.
I gave him money for his birthday recently. He’s been admiring a certain pair of shoes all year. I wanted him to buy the shoes with the money I gave him but he decided to spend the money on groceries.
I echo
pearl's suggestion that if it meant a lot to you to give him the shoes, then buy the shoes. With his self-worth issues, he may have a very hard time feeling comfortable spending money on himself. Taking that money and making a purchase of something he wants may seem like a pretty intimidating task to him. If you buy the gift, it gets around that obstacle.
As for the other destructive behavior, remember that you cannot control his actions or fix him. I know you may already be well aware of that, but we want to help our pwBPD so much, for me at least, I have to regularly remind myself of that.
Overbearing behaviours come in cycles too.
Examples may be... .
Asking me constantly to make phone calls on his behalf to banks,lawyers, debt collectors and family.
He may ask me run and get his jumper or go into a shop and buy him cigarettes or a mobile phone top up.
I’m getting better at boundary setting but it is still challenging and draining when these cycles are happening.
Let me recommend a book --
Boundaries, by Cloud & Townsend. It's heavy on Bible references, but I found it possible to overcome my preference for not mixing religion with other issues, and I got a lot out of it. They discuss a broader version of boundaries than we typically discuss here. In particular, they talk about how much we do for other people, and when it is too much. How do we reconcile our desire to help our loved ones when they need it with our need to look out for ourselves and not inhibit their growth by doing their work for them? I really think you'd get a lot out of the book, but I'll tip you to what they said about this -- they talk about letting someone carry their "reasonable burdens" by themselves; the everyday burdens that we are all expected to carry. Then they go on to talk about helping someone with "unreasonable burdens" during exceptional times when the load on them is higher than normal and they need assistance. If doing things for them that they should be doing for themselves is a way of life, then things are out of whack.
Are there any things that you'd like to stop doing for him that you might like us to talk through with you?
To finish, I wish to say that I love him whether he wears dirty clothes or sleeps on the streets. I’m not particularly concerned with material things either but his behaviour is concerning to me as I worry about his self worth issues amounts other things.
I feel like in this thread that I’m constantly bringing up the challenges with him. There are Many wonderful things about him too. But his behaviour are certainly challenging
Your love is safe here on Bettering. The members here find many wonderful qualities in our pwBPD. So, it's a given that he's got great qualities, but if you'd like to share any of them with us, we'd be happy to listen!
Where do I draw the line with BPD? I’m finding that I’m constantly labeling his behaviours and choices on BPD and I don’t think that this productive as he is much more than his BPD. Everything gets blurry sometimes.
Any advice?
Understanding BPD lets us see patterns, which helps us to change our behaviors to avoid making things worse. There is no judgement implied when we talk here about BPD. Many of us find it helpful to focus on behaviors, theirs and ours, rather than a label. One of the things we're careful to do here in this community is to treat each pwBPD and each relationship as unique. We see the common elements, but respect the differences and work to appreciate each situation and person as unique and capable of change. Does that help?
WW
