The way he left

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

He didn't say goodbye.

Looking back he said all of the things he would say in a breakup... over the course of weeks. Maybe months. All the reasons are there (from his perspective).

But the actual parting. Him yelling in my face. A disjointed argument.

I left his apartment but didn't know it was a breakup. A week later I asked, and he said, "Of course we have broken up."

In the weeks prior he had shown me anger, and tried to tell me I was also unhappy. He wanted ME to do the breaking up. I didn't want that- didn't want a breakup, I just wanted him to stop treating me so poorly. He had said, "I'm not "allowed" to break up with you again" and told me that he thought I wanted to break up but I just wouldn't do it. He said if he broke up with me again it would be all his fault.

None of this made sense to me. And for some reason (well, I know why)... because he was always expressing unhappiness (in between the sweetness and happiness), ... .because he was always threatening to leave or saying we'd be better off with someone else, I didn't do anything. I didn't really know he was leaving again. He had promised me so many times that he wouldn't do this to me again... Other than try to talk to him. I was also getting angry and frustrated and  standing my ground a little because I was being mistreated.

I am so stuck right now on how he left. No kindness. Not even the compassion you would give to a stranger. No goodbye. Nothing. We have broken up so many times before (ALWAYS INITIATED BY HIM), so I suppose he feels he has said it all.

And I guess the more time goes by (I think its been around 2 months), the more I realize how okay he is just to leave things like this. Complete cruelty. He just wanted to get as far away from me and any consequence as soon as possible. And he wants to make sure he doesn't get lured back in because he always struggled to go.

But what would it take to have said a kind word. To offer some care after six years of intimate companionship? Even a nice text?

But just cold silence. He just walked away like I am nothing.

I can't seem to get over that, and it just gets worse with time.

[Zemmma]

He didn't say goodbye.

Looking back he said all of the things he would say in a breakup... over the course of weeks. Maybe months. All the reasons are there (from his perspective).

But the actual parting. Him yelling in my face. A disjointed argument.

I left his apartment but didn't know it was a breakup. A week later I asked, and he said, "Of course we have broken up."

In the weeks prior he had shown me anger, and tried to tell me I was also unhappy. He wanted ME to do the breaking up. I didn't want that- didn't want a breakup, I just wanted him to stop treating me so poorly. He had said, "I'm not "allowed" to break up with you again" and told me that he thought I wanted to break up but I just wouldn't do it. He said if he broke up with me again it would be all his fault.

None of this made sense to me. And for some reason (well, I know why)... because he was always expressing unhappiness (in between the sweetness and happiness), ... .because he was always threatening to leave or saying we'd be better off with someone else, I didn't do anything. I didn't really know he was leaving again. He had promised me so many times that he wouldn't do this to me again... Other than try to talk to him. I was also getting angry and frustrated and  standing my ground a little because I was being mistreated.

I am so stuck right now on how he left. No kindness. Not even the compassion you would give to a stranger. No goodbye. Nothing. We have broken up so many times before (ALWAYS INITIATED BY HIM), so I suppose he feels he has said it all.

And I guess the more time goes by (I think its been around 2 months), the more I realize how okay he is just to leave things like this. Complete cruelty. He just wanted to get as far away from me and any consequence as soon as possible. And he wants to make sure he doesn't get lured back in because he always struggled to go.

But what would it take to have said a kind word. To offer some care after six years of intimate companionship? Even a nice text?

But just cold silence. He just walked away like I am nothing.

I can't seem to get over that, and it just gets worse with time.

[Mutt]

Hi Zemmma,

And I guess the more time goes by (I think its been around 2 months), the more I realize how okay he is just to leave things like this. Complete cruelty. He just wanted to get as far away from me and any consequence as soon as possible.

Your value doesn't change because he didn't go through a development stage with relationships when he was younger. I'm sorry that it ended the way that it did  Six years is a long time and he should have given you a reason instead of trying to get you to break up with him. Let's say that you had then that he can say that he was a victim justify his invalidating and indifferent behaviour towards you. He might even still say that you broke up with him.

I know that this is not something you really want to hear now but I'll say it anyways and one you'll look and agree in the end he did you a favour. You'll find someone that values you for you.

[clytie]

Dear Zemmma,
I know how you feel. You are not alone. My exBPD left me after 21 years telling me very cruel, even sadistic, things too. He made me feel like I was less than nothing. He had a long term affair behind my back and when I learned it, he said "You deserved it." I had experienced so much pain for months. I couldn't eat or sleep.
I have been in my healing process for more than a year now. And the good news is I am BETTER. A year ago if anyone had told me, I would have felt better; I wouldn't believe it. During the last 15 months I started and tried to change my perspective about MYSELF, about him and about how a relationship supposes to be. I believe that everything happens for a reason. WE choose to stay in these relationships, maybe because we have had lessons to learn to realize who we really are and improve ourselves, to love ourselves.
I can't tell you what to do, but for me trying to focus on MYSELF and learning to love myself has worked a lot. We are who we are. No other person or no relationship can define us or decide our value. I have discovered that we are important, valuable and worthy of nice things whether or not the other person loves or cares for us. It is just their problem and it's their own journey too. If they don't have capacity to love or care enough, it is their loss; not ours. We are beautiful the way we are.

After a 21-year-rollercoasterlike relationship, now I realize that I am more peaceful, stronger and happier. I used to believe that I couldn't survive without him. Today I feel lucky that I am not on that roller coaster anymore. I feel like I have survived.  Please believe in yourself. I believe in YOU.

[Zemmma]

Thank you for responding.

I hear this a lot. People not valuing themselves. I don't think that is a part of it for me. I value myself and wonder why HE doesn't see my value too. I am confident in myself and think I have a lot to give to a relationship.

What upsets me is that he is okay with leaving me. It doesn't make sense. We had something amazing together including the sex life he always wanted (and the one I never knew existed). Him wanting to leave, this is the part that I can't get my head around. I guess I am confusing my experience with his. I thought we had shared those experiences and feelings together. He said we did. Then he turned off the tap. Over.

The other thing I hear and read a lot is that I just miss having "someone," or the space he filled in my life. I don't get that. People just expect you to be okay to walk away from the one that you think is the most incredible, unique person you have ever met. And they are! I know I have to walk away because he is no longer IN. But him not seeing my value doesn't change that I think he is the most interesting person I have ever met, and the one I want to spend my time with. I can not replace that EVER because there is only one HIM and that is a terrible grief and loss. People are not interchangeable. But if I am honest, I think he believes in that too. He obviously thinks he will find something better with someone else.

I don't get how someone can get that close to you and just walk away. I come from a stable childhood and family and I am very loyal. I don't get how people just cut you out and move on to something else without incredible pain.

Here I am in my late 40's, single again. This BPD man followed on the heels of my very long marriage. He absorbed a lot of trauma for me and I did the same for him. We were both rebounds for each other (from our marriages) and there were so many things wrong with our relationship. But I adored him! I knew I could never live with him, I wouldn't allow him to destroy my life and my home and that is exactly what he would have done. He created enough chaos from across the city! I won't go through a failed co-habitation again. I will not support another man, sorry, but I 've had to fight to crawl out of the hole my unemployed X-husband left me in. I am not doing it again. I am not living with an alcoholic, depressed, moody, insomniac. I am not moving a man into my home to disrupt the life of my children after they already had to live through and adapt to life after divorce. I guess I am the "unavailable" one in a way. I wanted him on my terms. But he had nothing to offer my home life (not stability or order, not cleanliness, not help in the yard or with renos or maintanance, not money... ) so I thought we could just love each other and live apart.

He could have just said, "We want different things," and kindly, "goodbye, you have been a great lover and friend." But I didn't get that kind of courtesy. He has given it to me in previous breakups but not this time.

I guess 2 months is early days. My friends who have witnessed this train wreck so far don't think this is the last I will hear from him. I hate that I wish that were true. When he first left (this time) I felt a big relief and even EXCITEMENT because now I could choose a better situation for myself. As much as I desired him and loved him, he was the only thing in my life that didn't really FIT. We don't have the same values. He is too emotionally unstable and says and thinks terrible things of me. He is suspicious and couldn't be left alone in my house because he would go riffling through my drawers and computers looking for evidence of infidelity even though I have NEVER IN MY LIFE been unfaithful.

I know this was dysfunctional as hell. It was a toxic relationship despite so much love. EVERY SINGLE TIME  I went to his home, I changed the password on my phone.

But to this day, Love= Him.

I hope someone swoops in who shows me something better and changes that equation for me. My eyes are open and I am ready. I go out a lot, I am involved in many things including grad school, work, my community, old friends... I talk to everyone and I am upbeat and fun and ambitious and successful. If the right person comes along I will be ready. I just hope I can fall in love again. I can't imagine what amazing creature could pull me from my devotion and desire and longing for my BPD-messed-up-ex. My attachment to him is seemingly impenetrable.

Love= Him. I really hope this is not always my truth. My x-husband no longer has any effect on me whatsoever. I hope someday that I will feel nothing for this man who rocked my world for six years (on and off!). I want to get over it but I get stuck in missing him and being angry with the things he did and how he left. I guess if he left properly I'd be pissed about something else. It sucks so badly to be left by the one you love. I miss him so much, even though he was not decent or consistent with me.

[patientandclear]

Zemmma, I strongly identify with your post. Long bad marriage, fascinating man who came into my life next. Things were so intense and good with us that it blew my mind he would leave.

I hear you that it isn’t true that you miss just someone — you loved the specific him. It’s a huge loss to be that interested in and focused on someone and have them then be absent—let alone leave of their own choice.

I would also say that there may be some work to do on why you invested so heavily in someone you (wisely it sounds like) wouldn’t live with, someone who treated you badly in addition to the interesting time, great sex etc. Some people—some women in particular—seem to have heightened interest in men who “create chaos.” “Alcoholic, depressed, moody insomniac.” I am guessing these qualities may not be unrelated to his ability to up and leave, saying cruel things as he went.

I think maybe the answer to your “how could he do that” question has been hiding in plain sight all along. It sounds like this man, whatever his charms, doesn’t invest in secure connection, is somewhat impulsive and self-serving, and and doesn’t have a contentment mode.

He may well be back. Then you’ll be asking yourself not how can he leave and not look back—and instead, why did he damage a relationship he ultimately may seek to come back to. The important information is that he does. Radical acceptance means adjusting your picture of him to include these important character traits. He does that.

My exwBPD forms seemingly intimate relationships that you’d swear are once in a lifetime connections. It was for me (or nearly—like, twice in a lifetime). Then he leaves them. For him, it IS possible to turn away, mentally avoid the topic for a long time, dissociated from important pieces of his history. It’s impossible for me to relate to but he can and does do that. Had I known, I would never have let myself love him and invest in the connection with him as I did.

I’m sorry the loss is so devastating. It’s so hard to have a void where there was so much emotional activity. All I can assure you is that if you plant other, less volatile, connections in that space, they eventually will grow to fill it again, and not everyone acts this way.

[Zemmma]

Patientandclear,
Thanks for your thoughtful response. You said a lot of interesting things.

Some things to clarify (and I know I might not be typical):

I don't believe progress in a relationship equals cohabitation or marriage. Those are not my end goals. I have already had my kids. I am independent. I really don't think I want to live with any man ever again. Or marry. That is not a model I want anymore and not because I am bitter. I just strongly believe there is more than one model for life and for monogamy. I know I have to find someone who thinks similarly for that to work. I just now believe that living apart is sexier. Way sexier. The bathroom door is always shut and there is some mystery retained. Not like my 27 years with the exH, where after many years he ended up feeling more like a brother to me. I like sharing a bed many nights per week with a man, so we can stay at his sometimes and at mine others when we don't have our kids, but I want to have a house of my own that I share with my children alone. It wasn't JUST his bad habits that kept me wanting that. But that definitely ruled him out. The guy rents in a non-smoking house but smokes in the bathroom anyways, because that's his "favourite thing to do" when he is drunk at 4 am... whatever. What would he do at my house? Prop open a window? No thanks. Plus he literally goes to bed many nights when I am getting up in the morning. I am talking 7 a.m. or thereabouts. I don't need a man rustling around all night long. Or sleeping all day, as I try to go about my work. And then, he had a daughter much younger than my teenage kids. I don't need to introduce any more kids into my home, or his friends, or his family for weeks on end when they are in from out of province. Nope. Plus I pay more a week on my mortgage than he pays in rent per month. How does any of that work? I am not interested in sharing the one thing I managed to keep from my divorce (house). I can love a man without giving him half of my stuff. Ha! I do sound bitter. But I'm saying all of this calmly, six years after divorce. This is just the way I feel now. No man will ever have to support me financially. And I will not support another man. Outside of that I am happy to be generous. It's not like I am counting pennies.

What I want is love. Conversation. Emotional connection, sex. Companionship. Someone to be mine and have my back. To hear about my day, and tell me about theirs. Full emotional support and intimacy. Fun. I want to see him most days of the week and travel and spend time with family and friends together.

I don't at all love chaos. That was not part of the attraction at all. This man came with all of that, and to be honest I didn't understand most of it. Where it was coming from. How seriously things affected him. I was essentially clueless. I would think we were having a lively debate and he would leave the conversation thinking we had a big fight. Then he would ruminate on it and then text me long streams about it. He would then need hours or days to recover from it. Something that seemed very mild or low key to me. Meanwhile I rather ENJOYED those intense conversations. I didn't think we were fighting or having conflict... I just thought we were expressing opposite views. I liked the intense engagement. I loved talking to him... .Or if he was in an attacking mood, I would write or speak back in defence, trying to get him to see that I was being reasonable, that I was a good person, and everything was fine. After we had shared a wonderful night together I would find out the next day that I had done or said something wrong. Even though we laughed or kissed goodbye or seemingly had a wonderful time.

You talked about a man who "doesn't have a contentment mode." That seems right. This man could not retain happiness for very long. Even right after sex. And when he left the relationship he had recently said something about not being happy for years. For sure, there was always something wrong. I just think, however, that that is who he is.

He is dark. He is an artist with a doctoral level of expertise. Very skilled and impressive in ways that I adored. He was my favourite person to talk with and smells better than anyone (that's a thing!). We loved the same music and shows and food. He cooked and would massage me for HOURS on end. He was very progressive and planet friendly (but not in a dogmatic way) and anti-oppressive and accepting and loving, and kind to servers... you know all the good stuff. That's the stuff I was attracted to. And YES I focused on the good and quickly forgave all the bad because the good was exactly what I wanted, what I needed and loved, and the bad never stuck to me for too long. I easily forgave and forgot. Probably didn't hold him accountable for much.

But never mind all of the crazy reasons we should be apart, NUMBER ONE being his inconsistent interest in me. His addictions should be reason enough that I should leave. He is 100% an alcoholic and that was getting in the way. You were right. The reasons are in plain sight. He literally chose the bottle over me. But he saw the bottle as "fun," not a problem... even though he admitted that without alcohol and drugs he found life painfully unbearable. The high was the only escape from that. I was getting in the way of that. Once he had one drink, he literally couldn't stop until morning. He had to do all or nothing. And being sober was described as "lame, docile, boring, nothing to do" and he might "lose it," if he had to stay in or stay sober too many nights in a row when he wanted to be "fun and free." Sometimes we would finish a movie at 1 a.m. on a night I thought we were staying in, and I was all relaxed and generally passing out on the couch and he would be literally pacing like a caged animal. Feeling trapped. I can't tell you how many times he said he felt "trapped" in the relationship. I had to ask him to stop saying that  because I felt it was offensive.

Anyway. You're right. He did treat me badly. But he also treated me so well. I didn't deserve either. I mean who deserves a three hour massage? All of that hot and cold was confusing and it was always worth it. For me. But not in the end, for him. Sad... hope I can find a new place to put all of this love and desire.