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Author Topic: What Should I do? my heart is broken  (Read 1238 times)
10sisfun

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« on: June 18, 2018, 01:27:58 PM »

My Daughter has been diagnosed by her therapist with PTSD, resulting from a number of false statements from her that we as parents abused her as a child, which resulted in her behavior now.  I have read Walking On Eggshells and spoken to my therapist and she fits BPD almost perfectly.  My daughter is 35, and has had problems since about middle school.  We noticed a behavioral change and brought her to a therapist around the age of 12.  At that time she was diagnosed Bipolar.
She did not fit the pattern and none of the medications worked.  In fact she took an overdose of Paxil, just to prove it did not work.  She also tried to commit suicide by swallowing a whole bottle of acetaminophen. Her high school and college life was one of drama, drugs and alcohol. To make a very long story short, my daughter got involved with an older man who is very wealthy.  She became pregnant and her baby daughter, our grandchild was born almost 2 years ago.  She is still with the babies father but they have not married.  My husband and I have communicated with her almost daily since she left our home over 10 years ago.  We were there for the birth of our granddaughter.  She presently lives in another state, but we have gone to visit regularly until last Nov.  My older daughter moved to her state as well so she could be with her and the baby.  After the baby was born she became angry and depressed and was diagnosed with Post Partum Depression.  She seemed to be on the mend, but in Nov. just before Thanksgiving her and her boyfriend kicked us out of their home while we were visiting for the holidays.  We were told the reason was because we did not show her boyfriend support (whom we believe also has mental health issues) for a business problem he was experiencing and it proved we did not love her.  We had asked to remain neutral, so this was taken as a sign of betrayal.  My other daughter was also ostracized because they claimed the business problem had to do with her boyfriend.  We were told we would never have contact with our granddaughter again and to stay away.  We tried to contact her anyway.  We suggested seeing her therapist, which she did, but that is when she told us she had PTSD and that we had abused her as a child.  We are now blocked from making any contact except if she happens to read an email we send.  She has called us every evil name you can think of and I no longer know where she lives.  My heart is broken, i love my daughter and my grand baby.  I don't know how to start the healing process because none of her accusations are true.  I thought maybe i should try another email that states: If you truly feel all of these things towards us then we are deeply sorry.  We respect your view.  However our view is very
different and we hope you can respect us.  So, I am wondering what the viewpoint of this group might be.  Am I just asking for more trouble.  :)oes anyone one have a suggestion.  Should I just pray and not try to contact her again.  Please, if you might have any ideas, respond.  We will be most appreciative.
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Kiminski

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« Reply #1 on: June 18, 2018, 01:57:19 PM »

Hello 10sisfun,

Wow, can I relate to your story. My daughter has banned us from seeing our grandchildren too. Probably at least 6 or 7 times over the past 3 years. Anywhere from a few weeks to a few months at a time. She and the kids lived with us for 8 years and we have a very strong bond the children. She has a boyfriend that enables her behavior and has made things so much worse.

Our daughter also claims that she had a terrible childhood. Claims of abuse that never happened. She recently told me that I was "the woman" who stood by and watched my husband (her Dad) beat her children! We have 3 children and I can assure you, none of them were ever beaten or abused. Sad thing is that when she comes up with these new life histories, I think she really believes them at the time.

If I had any advice it would be to try and get some sort of rights in place to see your granddaughter. As hard as it has been trying to deal with our daughter's behavior, not seeing those kids is almost unbearable. They want to see us. She knows this but when she gets angry, she has no empathy for anyone. Not even her own kids.

Kiminski
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bluek9
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« Reply #2 on: June 20, 2018, 10:26:25 AM »

 Hi! Welcome  10sisfun ,

   I am so very sorry for all the heart break you are going through right now. Like Kiminski I too can relate with everything you have shared. My D is 36, I knew she had issues while she was growing up but didn't have the BPD diagnosis until 5 years ago. My heart is broken, i love my daughter and my grand baby.  I don't know how to start the healing process because none of her accusations are true.  When I came to this place I was saying the same things. Some of the memories my D comes up with make me shake my head and ask "where did you grow up?" As parents we wonder where our BPD kids get this stuff from. It's so very hard to remember that a deep seeded fear of abandonment is at the core of their reality.   Like you stated your neutrality was taken as a sign of betrayal. To us it seems like no matter what we do, we are wrong.    That's not the case. It's all about how they are taking it in.
  You have asked a question that so many parents coming here ask; how do I start the healing process?   You are in the right place. Again I'm sorry you feel like your heart is breaking. We are all here to help, support and encourage one another. Take a look to the right of the board -->>
There are great lessons here and tools to help us navigate. Unfortunately this is not an easy or fast process. It will continue to be on going. You can learn how to interact with her in a different way.
  For a short time (a year and a half) my D was no contact with me, she took my infant grandson and disappeared in during the night. It was months before I knew where they were. Even then she refused contact. Yes it was very painful. Now after much learning and being in this place, when she shuts down or de-regulates I just give her her space. After a while she eventually comes back to talk. I must tell you that when she does it's never about the situation. She acts like nothing ever happened.
  My suggestion would be to use this time of silence to recoup, re-energize yourself, learn, read the posts of other parents here.  Thought I pray wisdom for you, never stop loving our child or grandchild. Mental health issues are a life long challenge.
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   H:healing, O:options, PE:positive encouragement
10sisfun

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 7


« Reply #3 on: July 11, 2018, 02:22:03 PM »

Hello 10sisfun,

Wow, can I relate to your story. My daughter has banned us from seeing our grandchildren too. Probably at least 6 or 7 times over the past 3 years. Anywhere from a few weeks to a few months at a time. She and the kids lived with us for 8 years and we have a very strong bond the children. She has a boyfriend that enables her behavior and has made things so much worse.

Our daughter also claims that she had a terrible childhood. Claims of abuse that never happened. She recently told me that I was "the woman" who stood by and watched my husband (her Dad) beat her children! We have 3 children and I can assure you, none of them were ever beaten or abused. Sad thing is that when she comes up with these new life histories, I think she really believes them at the time.

If I had any advice it would be to try and get some sort of rights in place to see your granddaughter. As hard as it has been trying to deal with our daughter's behavior, not seeing those kids is almost unbearable. They want to see us. She knows this but when she gets angry, she has no empathy for anyone. Not even her own kids.

Kiminski
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wendydarling
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« Reply #4 on: July 11, 2018, 03:17:18 PM »

Hello 10sisfun

How are you, we've been thinking of you.   
WDx
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Be kind, always and all ways ~ my BPD daughter
10sisfun

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 7


« Reply #5 on: July 13, 2018, 11:49:16 AM »

Hello 10sisfun

How are you, we've been thinking of you.   
WDx

I am ok.  I am having some good days and some bad days.  It is so hard to lose contact with my daughter and grand baby.
My daughter is 35 and through all these years we always communicated on a daily basis.  Now all this has ended.  We always ended our conversations with "I love you", now she wishes I were dead.  She has moved and I don't know where.  I just wait and pray.  Thank you for thinking of me.  I am trying to navigate around the message board and I don't know how to reply.  Hope this is right.
10sisfun
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10sisfun

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 7


« Reply #6 on: July 13, 2018, 11:58:35 AM »

Hello 10sisfun,

Wow, can I relate to your story. My daughter has banned us from seeing our grandchildren too. Probably at least 6 or 7 times over the past 3 years. Anywhere from a few weeks to a few months at a time. She and the kids lived with us for 8 years and we have a very strong bond the children. She has a boyfriend that enables her behavior and has made things so much worse.

Our daughter also claims that she had a terrible childhood. Claims of abuse that never happened. She recently told me that I was "the woman" who stood by and watched my husband (her Dad) beat her children! We have 3 children and I can assure you, none of them were ever beaten or abused. Sad thing is that when she comes up with these new life histories, I think she really believes them at the time.

If I had any advice it would be to try and get some sort of rights in place to see your granddaughter. As hard as it has been trying to deal with our daughter's behavior, not seeing those kids is almost unbearable. They want to see us. She knows this but when she gets angry, she has no empathy for anyone. Not even her own kids.

Kiminski

Thank you for the advise.  I am still learning how to navigate through the message board so have not replied.  Sorry for this.  My daughter lives in a different state and at this point I don't really know what can be done.  She moved and I do not know where.  She refuses to let me know.  So I just am praying and waiting.  Up until last Nov. we talked almost daily now she wishes I were dead.  How does that happen?  We maintained a relationship through all these years good or bad.  We always said "I love you"!  I am at a total loss.

10sisfun
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Huat
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« Reply #7 on: July 13, 2018, 02:42:20 PM »

Hello 10sisfun.  I join Kiminski, Wendydarling and Blue9k in welcoming you.

My heart goes out to you and I really do know your pain.  About the worst thing our daughters (or sons) can do is separate us from those little cherubs who grabbed onto your hearts the moment they took a breath.

The times this would happen to me, I did know where they were.  With you... .an added worry in not knowing.  Do you feel she will keep them safe?

Yes, the accusations!  Often I scratched my head wondering if I had been in the same room when those "awful" things happened.  Well, guess I had to be... .because apparently it was me who has been the cause of her problems.

Giving advice is a tricky thing to do because, while similar, all our situations are different, each of our children unique.  With that said... .I wonder if it is time for you to be silent... .let her come back to you.  With our daughter, as soon as one of her relationships would end... .she found she needed us... .especially me, her Mom.

I have read,  given thought to and practiced something I read about dealing with someone who has BPD.  The acronym is JADE... .its message is not to Justify, Argue, Defend nor Explain.  That has been such a stress-releaser for me.  I would put so much time and energy in doing all those things... .and I just added fuel to her fire.

So, 10sisfun, none of this should be happening to you... .to me.  Grandchildren can be the ultimate trump card... .hurtful to us grandparents... .damaging to our granchildren.

Hope you find the same comfort and support I have found by participating on/in this forum.  It is always nice to know you are not alone.  Think about attending to your self-care.  The more you do for yourself, the more empowered you are going to feel... .and the better able you will be to handle whatever is thrown in your direction.

A ((HUG) from one grandmother to another from... .

Huat
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10sisfun

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« Reply #8 on: July 17, 2018, 03:08:08 PM »

Hello 10sisfun.  I join Kiminski, Wendydarling and Blue9k in welcoming you.

My heart goes out to you and I really do know your pain.  About the worst thing our daughters (or sons) can do is separate us from those little cherubs who grabbed onto your hearts the moment they took a breath.

The times this would happen to me, I did know where they were.  With you... .an added worry in not knowing.  Do you feel she will keep them safe?

Yes, the accusations!  Often I scratched my head wondering if I had been in the same room when those "awful" things happened.  Well, guess I had to be... .because apparently it was me who has been the cause of her problems.

Giving advice is a tricky thing to do because, while similar, all our situations are different, each of our children unique.  With that said... .I wonder if it is time for you to be silent... .let her come back to you.  With our daughter, as soon as one of her relationships would end... .she found she needed us... .especially me, her Mom.

I have read,  given thought to and practiced something I read about dealing with someone who has BPD.  The acronym is JADE... .its message is not to Justify, Argue, Defend nor Explain.  That has been such a stress-releaser for me.  I would put so much time and energy in doing all those things... .and I just added fuel to her fire.

So, 10sisfun, none of this should be happening to you... .to me.  Grandchildren can be the ultimate trump card... .hurtful to us grandparents... .damaging to our granchildren.

Hope you find the same comfort and support I have found by participating on/in this forum.  It is always nice to know you are not alone.  Think about attending to your self-care.  The more you do for yourself, the more empowered you are going to feel... .and the better able you will be to handle whatever is thrown in your direction.

A ((HUG) from one grandmother to another from... .

Huat


Hi Huat

Thank you.  i will remember JADE.  Many Hugs back to you!
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wendydarling
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« Reply #9 on: July 20, 2018, 10:00:32 AM »

Hi 10isfun

I have read,  given thought to and practiced something I read about dealing with someone who has BPD.  The acronym is JADE... .its message is not to Justify, Argue, Defend nor Explain.  That has been such a stress-releaser for me.  I would put so much time and energy in doing all those things... .and I just added fuel to her fire.

Here is the article Huat refers to, can you see how there are better ways, tools to communicate? 2.02 | Don't "JADE" (justify, argue, defend, explain)

WDx
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Be kind, always and all ways ~ my BPD daughter
10sisfun

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« Reply #10 on: July 30, 2018, 03:16:45 PM »


Hi Huat

Thank you.  i will remember JADE.  Many Hugs back to you!

Hi Huat,
Thank you for JADE.  My daughter has currently contacted my husband (her Dad), in response to an email he wrote to her.  He had asked if she was well and safe as she lives in an area in CA hit by the fires. Surprisingly she sent him some links to a minister, she feels is helpful.  My husband has been listening and says they are good sermons.  I am keeping my finger crossed and hope they can keep the communication going.  I am just waiting and not interfering.  In the meantime, I am meditating, sending her and my sweet granddaughter love and blessings, and taking care of me.  I don't expect much, but pray someday we can be reunited.
Thank you for your care,
10sisfun
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
wendydarling
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« Reply #11 on: July 30, 2018, 03:40:28 PM »

Hi 10isfun

I'm so pleased to hear you have news of your daughter, is a blessing, she's responded to your husband reaching out to ask if she's safe. And there are signs she is helping herself, sending links of a minister.

I totally understand you standing back, hoping she reunites in her own way and time, gently. 10, my now 29 year old daughter was very unwell 3 years ago, 15/16 and while she lives at home standing back and giving her space to get well and to come back to me in her own time helped her.

I wish that for you  

Small, gentle steps.

Hope  

WDx
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Huat
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« Reply #12 on: July 30, 2018, 04:08:46 PM »

Hi back to you 10sisfun

So glad to see more posts from you.  All of us are different.  For some this forum turns out to not being their cup-of-tea... .but for others (like for me) it is a life-saver.  I have found so much comfort in putting my fingers on the keyboard, pouring out my heart, feeling the much-needed support... .then, at other times, reaching out to try to comfort others.

What an extra worry knowing your daughter/grandchildren are in an area in CA hit by the fires!  Especially in a case like this, one would be desperate in wanting some thread of communication ... .and wonderful that it is there for you now.

Sounds like you are working hard at looking after... .you. Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  Baby-steps, baby-steps... .a lifetime work-in-progress... .but progress it is!  Anything you do for yourself will give you a feeling of being empowered.

Sounds like your daughter is seeking a solace, too.  Wonderful if, by connecting with that minister, she could be getting a message of healing.

More hugs   to you, 10sisfun.  Fingers crossed that a possible change is in the wind for you and your daughter.  Well, change IS happening already.  You are getting yourself better-equipped to interact with her.   When/if the time comes for me and my daughter... .I will have JADE inked onto my palm!   ; )  Until then, I really am okay.

Huat
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