my ex won't let go

[titan2018]

I was married to a BPD for 18 years, divorced for 5. Dating someone new for 9 months told ex about it 2 months ago. Ex lives in basement apartment because he doesn't work. He's having a hard time accepting the divorce or that I've moved on. He lives in the past, asks inappropriate questions about my new relationships and now just found out he searched through my bedroom while I was at work today. he was looking for proof that I've been dating longer than 9 months... (he said a year)
He's a jekyll and Hyde. some moments he understands and accepts the new relationship other moments like today he gets on a downward spiral. don't know what I will find when I come home but need words to use to not aggravate the situation. I want to remain calm and not get in a point counter point.
any help would be great.

[zachira]

Your ex is living in the same house as you, and not accepting that you are dating. You ex doesn't work so he has plenty of time to obsess over your new relationship. So many times, we want to show ourselves and our ex that we have moved on by entering into a new relationship. It is usually unwise to let an ex find out that we are in a new relationship, particularly when the ex is still upset about the breakup, as this can usually only escalate the problems you are already having.
Is there any possibility that you or your ex could stay somewhere else or move? Can you tell us more about this new relationship? Can you give us a brief history of the relationship with your ex, and especially his patterns of handling frustrations?
There are many people on this site who are renegotiating/have renegotiated the relationship with their ex. Let us know how we can help, and we will listen and support you.

[titan2018]

I tried living separately the first year but then I was covering two mortgages, electric bills etc... couldn't do it. so we compromised... .I have always financially supported him and would be happy to separate but just couldn't figure out how. We have money in real estate so when that sells (who knows) things would be easier. Also we have two kids (8/13) and wanted to co-parent together. however it's not always a healthy situation for the kids to be around.

He is manipulative, verbally and emotionally abusive. relationship has always been volatile. he has unusual sexual requests and while married and newly divorced I would tell him stories or do things to appease him that I truly regret. (so I was trying to ease the pain which was wrong of me to do but by doing that he was calm and easier to deal with) now since he knows about my BF he is asking for stories again and I have said no - I won't do it... he feels its not fair and I should help him. I think todays episode is because of me saying no.

the new relationship is low key - he knows about my situation and is not rushing anything... we both don't want to advance the relationship to drastically, doesn't want to hurt the relationship between dad/kids, put a wedge or anything between the family. I was keeping is secret but had a breaking point in April and ex pulled it out of me that I was dating.

[titan2018]

also-  he wonders why this is happening to him. He thinks he's a good person but he had an awful relationship with his parents (who are now dead) lost communication with his brother. has no friends, no motivation, no job. constantly threatens suicide and even admitted himself into the behavior science wing at the hospital a week after I told him about my BF. have I mentioned narcissist. 

[zachira]

It is really hard having to live with your ex again. I am not understanding how he is helping you financially if he has no job. I hope I am not being too intrusive if I share some of my concerns. You say he is verbally and emotionally abusive and volatile. I am really concerned that this situation could escalate into becoming even more abusive than it has been in the past, as many men do irreparable harm to a spouse that has left them, sometimes even kill them, especially when there is a new boyfriend involved or they realize the relationship is definitely over.  Can you share with us more about the abuse, more specifics and times when this takes place? I am hoping we can support you in getting some outside help, that will make it easier to do what you have to do, none of which is easy and is overwhelming at times. We are here to support you and listen, and you can always tell us what is going on, and we will respect your decisions.

[tin]

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Is the basement apartment separate from the rest of the house, where you live? Can you install or change locks to the upstairs of your house, or at least your bedroom? Ideally you shouldn't have to financially support him and let him live with you? Is the caretaker for the kids while you are working? I wonder if it would save you money to send them to a daycare or something than financially support him? For instance if you were renting out the apartment he's staying in rent free? If you are saying that he is verbally abusive and his presence is not good for the children or you.

I know I felt I was walking on eggshells when I stayed in the house and my ex would randomly show up even though I asked him not to, and refused to leave. When he went to the house and i wasn't there it caused anxiety and stress that he would go through my things or take/destroy things if he got mad. I started locking the doors from the inside whenever I was home and I knew at least he couldn't show up and verbally abuse me.

I hope you are able to find ways to make changes. It sounds like setting boundaries is hard because he acts out when you do. Hopefully if you are able to set some boundaries it will make you safer, happier, and more at peace in the long run? That's what I kept reminding myself when I wanted to give up on setting and enforcing boundaries with my ex, when I didn't want to deal with his outbursts and rage anymore, instead of giving up. Once I had more separation from him I felt I had more energy, strength and clarity to stand firm when he tried to emotionally manipulate and guilt me into staying with him or accommodating his demands.

[Mutt]

Hi titan2018,

He thinks he's a good person but he had an awful relationship with his parents (who are now dead) lost communication with his brother. has no friends, no motivation, no job.

I'm sorry about the current predicament that you're in you're in a new r/s and have been divorced with your ex for five years now and he lives in your basement unemployed.  I would find it very uncomfortable if I were asked from an ex about a new r/s I my exgf which is now a romantic friend has asked me about potential gf's you're not obligated to go there is you're not in a commited r/s with them.

I notice your title says "my ex won't let go" I'm not trying to give you a hard time by saying this I'm just trying to show you the whole picture, to a degree would you say that you're not letting him go either?

He thinks he's a good person but he had an awful relationship with his parents (who are now dead) lost communication with his brother. has no friends, no motivation, no job.

He doesn't have a reason to motivate himself to get a job while he's living for free. Let's say that you changed this scenario it would eventually change for him because he would have to support him. There's probably going to be backlash if the situation has been like this for a long time but by letting him go might make him less depressed in the long run. It can't be helping his esteem if he's not working.

I really feel for you because I don't think that there is an easy scenario.