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Author Topic: BPD mother over stepping boundaries and jealous of other grandparent  (Read 400 times)
Cold_one0720

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 4


« on: July 13, 2018, 03:55:21 PM »

So, I should probably start by saying my mother has not been diagnosed with BPD just Bipolar(she mentioned she is off meds for that now too), but has exhibited symptoms all my life and my own therapist told me, based on how I described my childhood and her behavior, that my instincts weren't off and she wouldn't be surprised if my mother had bipolar and BPD co-occurring. My entire extended family each has their own theory on what is psychologically wrong with her. Having said that... .

I guess the best way to describe her behavior is that she is severaly intellectually and emotionally stunted and is about as developed as a girl in her early teens. I am the middle child of 3 children and the oldest girl. Apparently until I was about 3 or 4, I worshipped my mother. It was around then I have my first memories of her which were confusion and disappointment. It was also then that I started wanting to spend all my time with my dad and my older brother, becoming a tomboy. My mother never forgave me for that, acting as I abandoned her and destroyed her fantasy world where her daughter wanted to be just like her, because I was becoming my own person. Growing up she was brutal and violent and cruel while also desperate for my siblings and I to love her and tell her we loved her. She would intentionally hurt me, specifically, by doing things with my younger sister and make a point of giving her special attention and what not in front of me saying because she was a good girl. Needless to say I gave up on us ever having a relationship when I was about 10 and basically became the female adult in my family when I was 11. I would only tolerate her from that point on.

As I grew up I became the exact opposite of my mother in virtually every way. At the same time, my mother tried to force me into her perception of what both I, and our relationship, should be. She was always saying how she wanted to be best friends and go and gossip while getting our nails done and go shopping. That wasn't me. That was what she did with my sister who is very much like my mother. I respected the differences between us but never pursued having any sort of mother-daughter relationship, due to our stark differences in our personalities and interests. I remember once when I was 20 she asked me to go to the mall with her to get some sheets then we could go around the stores window shopping then go to lunch. I politely declined and when she demanded to know why I told her I don't need sheets and don't like to just wander around stores. She lost it. She started sobbing how I make no effort to be her daughter and never think of her before storming out and tattling on me to my dad. There was also using me as an emotional crutch and marriage councilor. I would be on vacation with my boyfriend's family out of state and she would call me to talk about my dad because I was the only one who understood him.

4 years ago, after dealing with the constant stress and abuse from my family, I finally severed all ties with my parents and sister when my mother ran up a cell phone bill in my name and didn't have the money to pay it. I had a basic relationship with my brother who I felt bad for because I had moved an hour away and left him in an abusive environment and he has asberger's with no friends of his own there or people to interact with besides my immediate family. When I changed my number, and forbid my brother from giving her my new one, she unexpectedly drove an hour to my apartment and knocked on the door to my building for an hour trying to get me to talk to her.(The buzzer was broke) When I read her email saying all this and how she desperately loved me and how could I do this to her, I replied that I was not going to be in anymore communication with them and if she attempted to contact me or showed up at my apartment again I was calling the police and filing a restraining order on her. After that she finally stopped trying to contact me. A few months later was the holiday party my dad's family always threw. The whole time she was acting like a little girl who was being told to stand in the corner, drawing attention to herself by moping and following around my aunt's house and whimpers and crying until she made my dad and siblings leave. I was polite when my parents said hello but would not engage any of them in any way.

When they finally left I told my aunts and uncles what had happened and they were so pleased since they knew about the abuse for years but couldn't legally prove it to get us removed and also have always hated my mother for said abuse amongst others incidents through the decades. After I cut them out of my life, I found a peace and happiness I didn't know. My aunts and uncles were also closer to me. When they knew my boyfriend and I weren't in contact we started getting invited to family parties I didn't even knew existed. They all kept their distance because of my mother forcing herself on everyone. It was like this for 4 years.

The only problems that came up were when we would want to visit my brother and him staying with us, and discussing my relationship with my family to my boyfriend's family and friends. In general we just said it was a toxic relationship and best for everyone if we weren't around each other. When my boyfriend propose, we decided to explain to his parents and sister the full extent of the relationship and the reasons we were not in contact. We felt it was right for them to know because we were not inviting my parents or sister to the wedding and didn't want them to be stuck in an awkward position when their family asked why my parents weren't there. Even when we called off our wedding and my boyfriend and I separated, I wouldn't talk to them. My brother would take it upon himself to update them on my life.

A little more than a year ago, my boyfriend and I reconciled and soon after I was pregnant with my first child. We did not contact my parents and they learned through my brother. For most of the pregnancy I had to wrestle with the feelings of wanting a mother to help me through what I was feeling and knowing even if my own mother was in my life, I still wouldn't have one and it was better to stay away. I didn't even tell my sister and mother about the baby shower and swore all my aunts to secrecy. I had to block my sister and mother both on Facebook when someone tagged me in photos of the shower so they couldn't find me in a search. My mother went online and searched all over to find our gift registries and started buying the highest priced items despite not being in contact or told about anything. Eventually we had to make the list private because I was beginning to feel the same guilt I did growing up, that I had to show gratitude for something I didn't ask for or want. My boyfriend and I debated for months if we were even going to allow them to visit in the hospital. We ultimately did because I didn't want to let my anger make me petty. Slowly over time we have allowed the door to creak open for the sake of our baby daughter. Already I am feeling the tension and anger I used to feel whenever she was around and making everyone uncomfortable and infringing on our lives. I'm hoping I can find a place here where people understand just how bad it is and give me a place to go when its overwhelming and too much to bare.
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Cold_one0720

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 4


« Reply #1 on: July 13, 2018, 06:58:54 PM »

So my BPD is obsessed with my boyfriend's family and always has been. My boyfriend's family is upper middle class and live very good lives. I grew up very poor and went without basic necessities quite often. His family has always been very generous to me and despite knowing my hard upbringing, has never held that against me. I have their respect due to being a hardworking and decent person who loves their son.

My mother has this fantasy image of his family as driving BMWs and Mercedes and living in mansions. I've explained multiple times that its not like that and that his family drive either Toyota SUVs or Prius and that his dad didn't make good money until they were in jr high and able to move to the nice suburb. One time my brother was invited to my boyfriend's family's for Easter and he told me that our mother grilled him for info about his parents and their house for over a week. The one time his mother and sister met them was when they came to visit me in the hospital after I donated stem cells to my brother. They were expecting to drop in and say hello to my brother and visit me for a few minutes and then leave. They saw my mother who was practically falling over herself to talk to them and "get in" with them and they very quickly left. They later called my boyfriend to ask when my parents were gone so they could come say hello. That was 7 years ago and since then we have told his family about my family and why we don't see them.

For the last 4 years my boyfriend and I were not in contact with my parents and sister due to the toxic situation. When our daughter was born 4 months ago we did reluctantly let them come to the hospital to see her, but only after everyone else had come by. 2 months later he and I decided we would let them have some supervised visits at our house, for the sake of our daughter. We laid down some ground rules though and chief among them that they couldn't be jealous of his dad and sister being in her life more. They live where we do and it just was going to happen. And his mother just died so lots of time with Grandpa to help him heal. Second, no jealousy about the money. His dad is capable of helping us financially when we need it but it doesn't mean we like him more.

When they came to the house my mother would ask "Wow that looks futuristic/really nice. Who gave you that?", about every piece of baby furniture and clothing item. I had explained that my boyfriend's sister had twin girls that are now 3 years old and a family friend also has daughters who are 1 and 3 1/2 and they practically begged us to take all their baby stuff. When she saw the crib his sister gave us my mother was like "Wow, that's a really nice crib. That's so nice of XXXX to give you something like that. It looks expensive." I just bit my tongue so hard. His sister gave us a hand-me-down Fisher Price crib with bite marks from when her daughter was teething. Don't get me wrong, we are absolutely grateful for the hand-me-downs and generosity from our family and friends, but her reaction was ridiculous. Especially when you include the mopey way in which she said it. They got it at Target for $100 because they had to buy 2. My mother acts like she got it from Arhus or something for $1000. I've explained multiple times that she and her husband don't have the money my boyfriend's father has and her husband works 2 jobs so she could stay home with the twins.

They offered to use their Amazon Prime account to order a huge case of diapers and have it delivered to us every month. We agreed and have continued show great appreciation but I knew where this was heading. She has periodically sent us $50 gift cards to local grocery store chain, unprovoked. When I have confronted her she just said "I know you didn't ask for it but I do this for a lot of people just give gifts because. I know we can't help you out financially like XXXX but we do will do what we can." The last time she came up to visit with my dad they brought this little toy pillow for the baby to lay on to help with rolling over. I told her I didn't want her bringing toys as she already has enough stuff we don't have room for and we buy her plenty of toys. Her response was "I know, but we were coming up here and I had to bring something." A week later I had to tell her not to buy her anymore clothes or toys because the baby is outgrowing everything so fast. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place because I know she does this because she thinks doing so will both require us to give her love as a form of gratitude and makes her feel entitled to the baby because she buys stuff. It also fills her ego and this fantasy image of her as a good person and a loving grandma. But my boyfriend thinks if she is offering to buy things, take her up on it. She was meeting us at a family party and before leaving asked could they bring us anything. My boyfriend told me to tell her we were low on formula. Little things like that don't bother me. Her wanting to buy things is... .ok with me, if she asks first. If she were to do what she did with the formula I'd be able to deal with it much better. But if she doesn't see that stupid pillow out when they come over next she will flip out and feel rejected and have a literal hissy fit.

Its all about her being as good or better than my boyfriend's "rich family". A perfect example was my boyfriend and I saying how his nieces called his parents by the Filipino words for grandpa and grandma but how we weren't going to encourage it if his dad didn't care. The next time they visited within 5 minutes she was saying how she looked up the Gaelic words for grandma and grandpa but didn't want to be called by them. Because of all this we have decided any special event for our daughter will be done twice. She will have the main birthday party with all the family and friends and then a small one with my immediate family, just to keep them away from everyone.
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Turkish
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12105


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« Reply #2 on: July 13, 2018, 11:53:11 PM »

To begin with the obvious,  your mother sounds like she never grew up because she never received the healthy mirroring, love and validation children need to mature.

Despite growing up with her and going through all that you did,  you should be proud of yourself for succeeding and starting a family of your own.  You've got resilience!

As for your mother's jealousy about your in-laws... .*sigh* was she a deprived child? It sounds like you were,  but I don't read that attitude in you. 

I dealt with my mom being jealous of my ex's family, though more subtly than your mom.  Like she was competing with my ex-MIL, which would likely surprise them if they ever knew about how she felt.  I sure did.

I got a lot of stuff from my mom that we didn't need.  My mom being a Hoarder,  I was hesitant to accept things,  but I did so in order not to offend her.  Hurt her feelings,  basically. It's a tough place in which to be. 

Your bf and his family seem supportive and that's good.  The two celebrations should be unnecessary but I get why you are doing them,  and it's good that you reached out to your parents after years of NC.

My therapist put it this way about my ex (BPD-like), "she's limited." He put it this way about my BPD mother,  "she's sick [mentally]." It kind of took the wind out of my sails being so angry. 

Maybe your mother is both limited and sick? And it's also painful that your father is mind of her enabler? We have a lot of members here whose parents fit that dynamic, so you are on good company,  Cold_one0720. 

We will support you here.

Turkish
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Learning2Thrive
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 715


« Reply #3 on: July 16, 2018, 12:37:26 PM »

Hi Cold_one0720, how are things going for you? We’re here to listen and support you. I hope you’ll pop in and give us an update when you feel like it. 

L2T
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Cold_one0720

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 4


« Reply #4 on: August 09, 2018, 05:19:23 PM »

Thank you for your kind words and support. I apologize, but things have been a bit crazy the last month with my baby starting to teeth and also sleep training. My mother has still been insufferable. Though I am aware that has more to do with how I feel about her and more what I bring to the situation.

To answer your question, yes my mother grew up poor and in an abusive environment because of my grandmother. In hindsight, my grandma was not a nice person and I think may have been gay. My grandpa died on his 50th birthday at work from a sudden heart attack when my mother was 16 which I am sure stunted her even more. I have also learned from my aunts when they came out for my parent's wedding, there were no doors on the room to my grandma's house and that she had little dogs back then that pooped all over the house. It was a very bizarre situation which would explain some of my mother's behaviors. Such as demanding who was up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom and why we needed to use it, and how she always sleeps with the door to her room open, despite blaring conservative talk radio all night(both my parents are staunch Democrats). It would also explain why she was completely fine sleeping and living in utter filth and garbage with vermin everywhere when we were kids. If you have seen the show Hoarders, then you have a good idea what my environment was like.
But yes, you are right. I was extremely deprived as a child of bare essentials such as food, heat and hot water at times, especially when during particularly crucial parts of my development. Fortunately, I understood that it was not normal and it was abusive, even from a young age. I developed complex PTSD from my childhood, but have always strived to be better. I keep a tidy and mostly clean house(though it could use a dusting more often then I do it). I basically said to myself, I am better than this and these people and once I got out and was able to establish myself away from them, with my boyfriend providing emotional support, I never looked back.

I am still incredibly angry that I don't have a mother in the sense that she has no idea What the heck I am talking about and can't give me any advice about how to be a mother, just tells me stories of what I was like as a baby and shows me pictures of the hospital I was born in. Who finds a picture of a military hospital and posts it on their Facebook page? I mainly find it difficult to just bite my tongue and be like "uh huh" when she does this crap. Half the time she just asks me what tummy time is or what sleep training is. When I explain it she just shrugs and says "well, they have these fancy names now, we just did it." I realize that even if she was trying to give me advice, I would probably ignore it or just do the exact opposite. She continually calls me just to chat because she has a long drive and doesn't want to deal with it alone and after the topic of my child is exhausted its just about how her job is and when she works.

I had to really bite my tongue at my cousin's graduation party a few weeks ago. I almost made a scene multiple times ready to scream at my mother who was constantly in my daughter's face and trying to hold her while it was hot and loud and she was completely overwhelmed. My motherly instincts were kicking in when I had someone less than an inch in my daughter's face while she is screaming and wailing. She kept trying to take the baby from me and especially my boyfriend while she was screaming saying "She is mine today. I am never going to let her go." My father's family absolutely hates my mother and despite trying to get there early to spend time with my extended family, many who hadn't even seen my child yet, we were delayed because my boyfriend is all kinds of screwed up and wouldn't stop playing video games and had us make multiple stops before for the half hour drive. We only had about 3 minutes before my family got there. The second my parents and siblings arrived, they found us and set up camp where we were sitting with the stroller and my aunts and uncles wouldn't come near us. To make matters worse, my mother just sat there sulking the whole time. She did the same routine she has always done since I can remember about his family. She bought a new dress, literally on the way there and changed in the bathroom at Wal-Mart, and was grinning and made my father hold her hand to give the impression of a happy united front as they walked up. They are not happy or in love. My father is just waiting to die. When everyone just said hello and went about their business, she starts sulking and is moody and acts like a pouting child until they leave and then talks trash with my dad about his siblings on the drive home. When my boyfriend and I decided to leave because the baby was just too miserable, they walked us to the car because they had diapers and formula for us. My boyfriend was trying to be nice and had prepared himself for the awkward goodbye. My mother leaned down over the stroller and mere centimeters from my daughter's face was just saying over and over again in a weird voice, "I love you. You know Grandma loves you. Yes I do. I will always love you." My dad shook his hand and said goodbye while my mom hugged me then just turned around and walked away without a word to him. Seeing how she was at this party made us decide she is never going to a party or event we will hold for our daughter that other people would be invited to, i.e. her birthday parties and such. We will make the hour drive to have a dinner just with my family and a separate regular party with family and friends.

She told me last week my sister was complaining and that she wants a relationship with my daughter and how upset my sister was I didn't let her hold the baby at the party and I had to remind her that my daughter was miserable and when we got home slept for 13 hours straight. Also how one of my aunts would give her dirty looks and "was a bitch to her". My mother and sister have always been jealous my aunts like me and will have a conversation with me, but I am by no means close to them due to them needing to keep their distance from us growing up because of my mother. I reminded her said aunt has always been difficult and it doesn't help my sister is choosing to move in with her heroin dealing boyfriend when he gets out of prison in 2 months and that I don't disagree with my aunt on this. My mother then tried to harp about needing to be a family more and making myself available for them, especially my sister, to be closer. I told her that I am not close to any of them and never will be and that I am different from all of them and to just let it be what it is. If my sister wants to see the baby, she knows how to reach me but I am not going to hunt her down when she works 2 jobs and is planning on moving in with and having kids with a f-ing heroin addict and dealer. Thankfully, my mother backed off when I used a firm tone, like one would use when reprimanding a child. I just can't deal with having a mother who I have to treat like a child. I don't have the energy to pretend to be interested in her mundane life. I am completely different from my family and instead of just being able to be myself and everyone accepting I have other interests then living in a small town of less than 5,000 people that hasn't changed since 1972, I have to put on an act to keep my mother and sister, but especially my mother, from having a meltdown.
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Learning2Thrive
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 715


« Reply #5 on: August 10, 2018, 05:02:29 PM »

Thanks for the update! Oh, I remember teething days... .it’s a tiresome time but one day you will wonder where the time went. 

Excerpt
I told her that I am not close to any of them and never will be and that I am different from all of them and to just let it be what it is. If my sister wants to see the baby, she knows how to reach me but I am not going to hunt her down when she works 2 jobs and is planning on moving in with and having kids with a heroin addict and dealer.

Well, these are some pretty clear statements and boundaries.

Excerpt
Thankfully, my mother backed off when I used a firm tone, like one would use when reprimanding a child. I just can't deal with having a mother who I have to treat like a child. I don't have the energy to pretend to be interested in her mundane life. I am completely different from my family and instead of just being able to be myself and everyone accepting I have other interests then living in a small town of less than 5,000 people that hasn't changed since 1972, I have to put on an act to keep my mother and sister, but especially my mother, from having a meltdown.

What kind of relationship, if any, would you like to realistically have with your mother, knowing her limitations?

L2T
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